Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mother &%$#@*$* it's here

Wednesday sucked. I was a total bitch, and I walked around like the world was crashing on top of me. I know it's bizarre how I let the outcome of Red Wings games affect my overall mood. But shut it, I'm sure you understand.

While wallowing in self pity and perfecting my stank eye, I tried to put the whole thing into perspective. But since this is the playoffs, that was apparently impossible for me to do. I still cannot get over this comment from Niedermayer:

“There was a lot going on, I don’t know how it all started. The next thing you know my gloves are off. That doesn’t happen too often. I didn’t even know who it was at first. I took a couple of punches to the face. I guess after a couple, I figured I’d try a couple.”

That's like the creepy guy at the bar who "accidentally" grabs your boob and then claims he was falling and just caught himself. On second thought, no it's not. Because at least that creepy bastard admitted to his perverted behavior. Old Scotty doesn't seem capable of admitting to his nasty elbow. A friend once got pissed and called someone pussy boogers. I find that disgusting and wasn't exactly sure what they were talking about, or what compare it to...and now I know, Scott Neidermayer. Anyone who elbows Dangle Dangle in the head is certainly a said pussy booger.

Last night after Pittsburgh beat Washington, I'm sure Bitchman went home, put on some slow jams, poured himself a glass of boxed red wine, grabbed his favorite Sidney Crosby action doll and jacked offer for a minute and a half. I'm hoping this kept him occupied long enough that he would still be too tired and excited to give any thoughts to Detroit's game 7 tonight. The last thing they need is his fucked up energy near this do or die day.

Yesterday the Chief wrote a piece that not only belongs in a speech, ironically enough, at the end of a Mighty Ducks movie with a 70 year old Emilio Estevez, coming back to help Charlie's new team of misfits win it all, but it also started to pull me out of my fucked up mood just a bit.

But then, that little bastard Carlyle had to speak and get me worked up in a bitchy tizzy. He had this to say about the restraint he expects from his team. You know because since they haven't had many penalties DURING the games this season, they must be operating under some new zen like mentality:

Said Ducks coach Randy Carlyle: "I'm not worried about the emotions flying. I just want to make sure our guys are ready to play. We have to cut down on their shots. They've gotten more shots than we have. So did San Jose. But where is San Jose?"

"There was nobody jumping anybody. There was a lot of emotion flying. Players on the ice will tell you nobody is sending any message one way or another."

Wow that sounds like some confidence, huh? I hope he just pissed off the hockey gods with that one. Or at least Datsyuk read it and finally decided today he's had enough and wants to completely fuck up the Duck's world. We Red Wings fans aren't too picky how he decides to it, whether it's setting Zetterberg and Homer up for hat tricks, or if he decides he wants to lead the league in playoff scoring just from this one game....really whatever he feels most comfortable with...we'll take it. If there was ever a day for Dangle Dangle to get his mojo back, nows the time. When that happens, no one will even remember the scoring slump he was in at the beginning.

Who else needs to play well tonight? Homer. I feel like I'm in Ferris Bueller's day off.....Hoooomer, Hoooooomer....where the fuck were you? Not in front of Hiller that's for damn sure. Behind the net, off to the side, attempting to make cutesy passes. Maybe he was trying to be like Datsyuk, I don't know. But to beat Hiller, because let's be honest he's the only reason they're still in the series, they will need his big Swedish ass in front all night. Don't be ashamed Homer, big is beautiful, go work it out and show Hiller what your mama gave you.

Mule will also need to be in I shoot I score form tonight. Remember that no look shot he got past Hiller last time at the Joe? I want it again. Even if he has to look this time, I don't care. He needs to be that on his game. And since this is playoff Mule, and apparently he saves himself all season with a chastity belt and promise ring for moments like these, it's time bust a nut all over Hiller and the Ducks.

Zetterberg has also once again come alive in the playoffs, and as future team leader, he needs to set an example and start strong in the first 10 minutes. Is it too hard for them to control the puck during that time, make tape to tape passes, and not consistently give it up in the neutral zone like a high schooler on prom night?

If you would have told me 3 months ago the Wings would be at this point in the second round, I would have assumed it was due to Ozzie's lack of goaltending. But he's been great all playoffs. Now he just needs to maintain. If they lose tonight, it won't be because of Osgood, it will be despite him. He's made huge saves and now it's time for his teammates to play with the same passion and heart he has been bringing.

It would be great if Kronwall could step his game up as well. I think he is in a bit of a transition year as far as determining what kind of player he will be. But while his partner has been shining, he has seemed to be forcing it a bit. A strong, standout game from him tonight will go a long way. And if he just happens to check Perry and make him cry, revealing what a little bitch he truly is, well that's just all the better.

Tonight the Wings need to decide if they want to continue on their path to greatness. If they do in fact want to cement their place in history as the first team since the lockout to win back to back Stanley Cups. I hope they think about Gary and his constant boner he will be sporting over the fact that Crosby will be going to the Eastern Conference finals, and they decide that crushing his bitch boy dreams for another year sounds fun. If only they had a copy of the Chief's impassioned speech to read and remember that the fans are still here still rooting for them. And if they lose tonight and we are all forced to reenter the real world without Red Wings playoff hockey....well it's just too painful and disgusting to think about.

This team was destined for greatness the minute they raised the cup in 2008. And then they signed Hossa. A ridiculous amount of class and talent all in one place. Will they have the passion and heart to finish off the Ducks? I hope so. Because I'm not sure I can sit through a handshake line while Carlyle, Niedermayer, Perry, Getzlaf, and Pronger, all have smug ass pussy booger looks on their faces.

Now's the time Detroit. I hope they can make it happen.

Until 7pm eastern, I will be unable to work, unable to be productive, and curled up in the necessary fetal position. I hope they can make it worth it.


  1. Jessie Baby!!!!!! They won it.....despite playing 8 on 5 most of the night......they won it!


    Fricking Chicago better waxth out. Remember the CLASSIC!!!

  2. Khabibulin's not as air tight as Hiller seemed to be this series......that's good for the Wings.

    Hopefully they can step up the physical play cuz those Hawks while a bit shady ain't nothing like the Duckies when it comes to the dirty shit.


    WCF here they come!

  4. 8 on 5 I said the same fucking thing!!! My nerves are still on edge! Amazing simply amazing. They should have wont that game 4-0 but the Wings showed they were able to beat two opponents at the same time!! hells yay!