What The Fuck

Dan Cleary out 4 weeks with a separated shoulder.

Feel like crawling in a whole and telling the world to just fuck off??

Well Leino is back in the lineup despite still deserving to sit on the bench. I'm sure he's all fired up and ready to bring his own special brand of suck back for at least 4 weeks....

I'm too bitchy and shouldn't even be posting at this point.

Hey Tatar is doing well with the Griffins....bring him up. My sister who watches a large number of Griffins games, claims he's been consistent all season. There is no way he could be worse....right?

I'm sure it's a joke

Alright haha....last night, this season, the injuries, one big fucking joke right? At any moment the essence of douchness, Ashton Kutcher will jump out from behind a snow mound, and let all of us know we've been punked. Sure it will probably be a big joke and a stubby middle finger to the Wings and their fans from Gary, but I'd gladly take that, because if that's not the case, I've run out of things to say.

Posting has been non existent lately thanks to both work and life deciding to simultaneously kick my ass...yes it's delightful. But hopefully things will begin settling down now, and I will be back to regular posting.

In my opinion, last night can be summed up with one thought, Howard played well, fucking Conk block played better, and the rest of the Wings were about as motivated as a jilted housewife. Wonderful. Not a horrible effort but certainly an uninspired one. And to think, I had hopes of them fully clinching the 8th seed of the Western Conference. Damn you cruel cruel world, have you no mercy?

Oh I had thoughts about the game. Quite a few. But their lackluster performance and the Dan Clearly clusterfuck only inspired me enough to note the following:

• The Blues are in fact as intelligent as they look. They may even be giving Colin Campbell as serious run for a Mensa spot. Somehow last night they forgot they were supposed to wear white on the rode. (and on a side note I still don't fucking understand why they took white away from the home team. I think Gary just likes to poke and fuck something because he can...you know like the crazy little kid down the road that burns ants with the sun and a magnifying glass) So after the pregame skate the Wings had 10 minutes to fully dress in the white uniforms. Seems kinda shitty. Mick was particularly disappointed as he personally felt blue and red looked pretty together....very sweet
• Who the fuck is in charge of the PP...is it the same person who was previously running the the PK. We need names to send the angry mob after.
• Mick was in fine form tonight. I'm pretty sure between the officiating, the injuries, and the overall potential for a clusterfucky (yes thats a word) season he is going to shit his pants at some point. Part of Daniels job description should be strapping a diaper on Mick and having some sort of sedative immediately handy...In all honesty that should be a requirement for all Wings fans.
• I like Eaves on the PK
• With Kronwall out (tears of sadness still falling) Stuart has stepped up his fantastic play even more this season. He seems to work really well with Howard and anticipate exactly where Jimmy is going to aim his rebounds. So when he took a shot off his foot, I cringed and vomited.
• It's no secret I was a huge Conklin fan last year. Talented, yet cheap. But all season he seemed reserved and quite. Last night not so much. He was certainly giving it to Bertuzzi all night...and how did Bert answer, he continuously missed the net. He really is a bitch and I hate him.
• Speaking of Conklin, while shooting the puck around the net, he high sticked May. Despite May bleeding everywhere, there was no penalty. The ref claimed it was because he was in the process of firing the puck. Ashton you bastard you're fucking with me again aren't you? Since when is that the rule? When? You always have to have control of your stick...well if you play for the Wings you do. Anyway, Murph in a typical drunken stupor decided to attempted to share the refs explanation with Ken and Mick. They were having none of it and engaged into some sort of school girl no, yes, no, yes fight. While a passed out Murph was being escorted home for the night, I hope someone checked around to make sure Mickey wasn't hiding somewhere in the hopes of administering some 'old school' punishment....don't shoot the messanger.
• Ericsson, where the fuck did the kid from last year go? The 6'5'' beast that sent terror through other teams....has now become a 4'8'' little boy afraid of his own shadow. I blame Lebda. Lebda did this to him. Hell Lebda's own dog feels inadequate just from living with that fucker. Although in Ericssons defense he did make a nice centering pass in front of his OWN net during the Blues power play. Golf claps and finger snaps.
• Desperation kicked in at one point, well that or Ken and Mickey got ahold of Murphy's moonshine flask, and they decided the Wings new strategy for the night should be to make Conklin change out his stick because it had blue tape instead of the required white tape.....yes they even looked up the rule to confirm. It was one of those nights.
• Wings got on their collective knees and blew a 5 on 3. Congrats, not everyone can do that.
• Abby's line had some good scoring chances.
• Lidstrom hit the post...Twice.

But the real news of the night, Dan Cleary sustained an upper body injury (looked like his head to me) thanks to Jackman nearly blind siding him. Wonderful. According to the Chief's post, Holland believes he will be out for some time. Now I'll do a recap of the injuries, just because this gets confusing. Lilja, Franzen, Filppula, Williams, Kronwall, and now Cleary. Throw in Rafalski and Eaves and yeah. Fuck me. I guess Leino will be back in the line up. Sure both Cleary and Leino haven't been producing to the level their talent warrants, but at least Cleary creates opportunities for his linemates. At least he goes hard into the corners. And he doesn't look like a crazed serial killer ready to eat puppies and babies....so my dog is less at ease when Leino is on the ice. Interesting 2 fucking crazy looking bastards on one team and they both play like its the ice capades....

A Helm, Miller, Cleary, and Bertuzzi night?

Well Happy belated Thanksgiving all. Posting was non existent this past weekend as I was in Michigan visiting family and friends. But now I'm back in Arizona and apparently the Wings are back as well.

When I first turned on the TV and heard that Eaves would be out because he hit a rut during practice and injured his ankle I immediate assumed that tonight would be Marty's second win ever against the Wings during the regular season. (and yes, holy hell that was a run on sentence.) Luckily Turco is the essence of a Wings bitch and in some complicated galactic math equation, Detroit's ability to strip him of any small shred of dignity over and over again outweighs their ridiculous amount of injuries and misfortune....for one night anyway.

Many people said that last Saturday's game was a turning point for the Wings. And I certainly hope they're right because quite frankly watching their play during the end of November was about as enjoyable as having your eye brows plucked out one by one what receiving a lap dance from a greased up and glittery Pierre Mcguire.

Below are a few of my random thoughts on the Wings 4-1 victory over the Stars:

• Howard's strong play on Saturday earned him the start tonight. Well that and quite frankly I think Babcock enjoys torturing Ozzie. If he could he would shove bamboo shoots up his finger nails....during the regular season at least


• So anyway since Howard was starting they of course showed his team picture. It was the first time I noticed this but he certainly has a creepy fucking picture. Just look at it.

For some reason only known to him, baby Jesus, and Santa, he decided to give the camera fuck me eyes. Damn Tyra would be proud.

• Zetterberg had a strong game and some good chemistry with the allusive Ville Leino. At one point early in the first Zetterberg had a nice flip pass to Leino, Leino went back to Zetterberg and one half of the Euro twins had a scoring opportunity with a backhand shot.


• Detroit for some reason only had 4 men on the ice for a period of the time in the first. I was pretty afraid that one Mick was going to shat his pants out of utter confusion and frustration and two that Murph in a drunken stupor would step on the ice as the fifth skater. This would cause the Wings to take 2 double minor penalties and five licks of the paddle which would be personally administered by Gary to every player on the roster.


• For the first time in 5 games the Wings scored first. No really that's not a fucking joke. But it does get better. Michigan State's own Drew Miller got his second goal as a Wing. And he earned it. He was aggressive on the forecheck which apparently caught the Stars off guard. He had a nice snap shot toward the net that deflected off a defensemen's elbow. Yeah he really earned his luck on that one. Go green.
• The weirdest fucking part, Miller now has one more goal thana living hockey god himself, Lidstrom. Fuck this season.
• The vast part of the first period was played without a whistle. Well until the refs became concerned the advertisers weren't getting appropriate air time, and fearing Gary's wrath, decided to call Homer for a cheap hooking penalty.
• The Wings killed the penalty but about 3 second later, with 17 seconds left in the first, Dallas scores. Motherfucker was all that kept going through my head.
• I haven't bitched about Meech much since he's been inserted into the line up. It could be because he doesn't get a lot of minutes, but I also think it's because he doesn't fuck up as much as Lebda. In fact, at the beginning of the second he had a nice defensive play where he went down to block a shot and ended up clearing the puck. I've decided, this is exactly how I like Meech, hardly noticeable unless he's making a decent play. Keep it up.
• Cleary got the game winner. Garbage goal in front of the net. But at this point who's being picky?
• However, Cleary later blocks a shot with his ankle and limps off in pain. When I saw him take a shift later I was inappropriately excited. In fact I noted that more surprising than the Wings having the lead is them not sustaining an injury during the game. Until I realized that after he takes off his skate tonight the real damage will be evident. That and the fact that from his facial expressions during the rest of the game you could assume that either Ozzie was spending his time on the bench pulling out Cleary's ball hair with a pair of tweezers or Clearly was really fucking hurting. Damn. I'm not a psychic but I have a feeling the news tomorrow will not be positive.
• Jimmy Howard had another good game. I still have a sinking feeling in my stomach that just won't allow me to get comfortable with him. Because just when I do, he'll play like Turco does against the Wings.
• HELM FINALLY SCORED! That poor fucking kid. With the opportunities he had last game you knew he was due. If he didn't score this game I was going to start to think the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy weren't real....
• Pavel Datsyuk and Henrick Zetterberg are amazing (past their prime) players. Just don't say that enough so I figured, what the hell nows as good as any other time.
• Early in the night I made a note that Bertuzzi blocked a shot. In my typical cynical, bitchy style, I assumed that I would merely spend a large portion of this post noting that not only did Bertuzzi finally do something beneficial during regulation, but that perhaps he should just be used as a second goalie. Throw him in front of slap shots etc. in the hope that he could at least earn his salary that way....but then he did the unthinkable. He scored a beautiful top shelf goal and you know what, I enjoyed eating my words, or I guess thoughts. My dad seems to think this is a direct result of Bertuzzi's ego growing due to the confidence Babcock placed in him Saturday during the shoot out. I'm not so sure. Personally I think it's a direct result of the Wings having possession of Turco's balls. They keep them in a jar in Homer's locker.

A solid, hardworking game from the Wings tonight. And dare I say a full 60 minute effort. Is the corner turned? I don't know, I can hope. But I'm fragile now. Thanks to this season I fall into a drunken fetal position more quickly than I have ever done before. I'm cautiously optimistic waiting for the next ass kicking from the Wings, the hockey gods, or Gary. But I still hope....I'm still waiting for the injuries to subside and for the Wings to consistently return to form. Because they will. And then all the bitches out there can shut the fuck up.

But until then, all I do know for sure is the Wings had a hell of a game tonight and all ankles, knees, wrists, and what the hell heads, of every Wings player should be wrapped in bubble wrap at all times. Games, practices, trips to the super market whatever because there is some fucked up injury curse surrounding this team.

Well at least Helm, Stuart, and Ozzie showed up...

Wait for it, you know what's coming next, the Wings lost again. Wow that was still surprisingly difficult and painful to write. Nearly as painful as watching Todd Bertuzzi and Brett Lebda attempt to compete in the NHL. Sometimes I wonder if the overweight 50 plus beer leaguers could get around Lebda....and then I watch the shit fest he calls hockey over and over again and realize they would probably make him ride pine so it wouldn't even be an issue.

In what has become typical Red Wings fashion over last season and apparently this year as well, the Wings came and put in a decent 20 minute effort in the third period and seemed utterly shocked that wasn't enough to solidify a win. For fucks sake boys. Come on. You are down Franzen, Filppula, Williams, Lilja (yeah it's been so long I almost forgot how to spell his name), and now this one hurts, Kronwall, and you expect to only show up for the third period. That is about as intelligent as the kid who sits on the bus, picks his nose and then makes them into Harry Potter figures for the remainder of the ride. And no, I'm not talking about Bertuzzi, this time.

Yes they have lost a great deal of firepower and the injuries are almost laughable. ( I think Crosby has a Wings voodoo doll he plays with before he enjoys a nice cup of warm milk and bed time story from Mario.) But they have shown they can win. A bunch of dick teases. They have the ability to dominate. We've seen it this season. Uncle Mike can't do it all. The line shuffling has been impressive (minus the ridiculous pairing of Homer, Datsyuk, and Bertuzzi) but he may actually need the guys to show up on a regular basis to make all of this worth while.

Below are a few of my random thoughts from the game:

• A personal favorite of mine, Darren McCarty made his broadcasting debut. He cleans up pretty well. Sure he looks a little bit like a middle America substitute teacher, but for the most part pretty damn professional. My only question, does he have his teeth in?
• McCarty also made the point at the opening of the broadcast that Ozzie needs to be the Wings best player of the night. And he really was. If only the other guys brought a 40% effort they may have won
• I didn't notice Meech that much, which means he was probably better than Lebda
• Homer looked good in the opening minutes of the game, which made me cringe worrying that he would be next on the hockey gods hit list
• Despite Ozzie having a great game, he did have one pretty, shall we say Howardesque moment in the first. On a wrap around play he found himself complete out of the net forcing his teammates to step in as goalie. Their defensive efforts seemed to end there.
• Ericsson still made me want to beat him with a hockey stick, but not as much as previous games. But the only plausible explanation for that is Lidstrom was there to make up for Ericssons lack of defensive ability this season.
• However with that said he did make a nice defensive play without a stick after his broke in the neutral zone. Just wondering what the fuck took the forwards so long to give him on the their sticks.
• Bertuzzi had two offensive zone penalties. The Predators scored on one. I hate you Todd Bertuzzi.
• Last night the Versus announcers mentioned the Preds are 10-0 when they score a powerplay goal...and now their 11-0. Bastards
• In fact their first two goals were powerplay goals. And I began to realize that every Wings PK is full of stress and ass puckering. Apparently like prison
• For some reason, before this game Babcock called Stuart a minute muncher. I get where he is going but for christ sake that is almost more suggestive than sloppy seconds. I was just waiting for some idiot on the broadcast team (not McCarty) to accidentally misquote him and say carpet muncher allowing Gary to suspend Babcock for 8 games....
• On a positive note, Miller scored his first goal as a Wing. And guess what. He drove to the fucking net. He took the chance and stepped out of the perimeter and was rewarded. Oh yes that's how the Spartans play...
• Darren Helm had another fantastic breakaway attempt, this time on the PK. Ok first, he needs to start practicing that shit because he seems allergic to scoring on a breakaway. Zetterberg and Datsyuk need to pull that boy aside and help him help himself. Secondly Rinne decided that he is motherfucking Hasek and comes all the way out and trips Helm. At first I cringed and grabed my ankles assuming this would be another injury. But when it wasn't I just became pissed thinking how that was a penalty for the Dominator.
• Now I make it a point not to question Babcock. So I will just say that the Bert, Homer, Leino line is about as intelligent as having a group of 3 year olds do your taxes. At that point you know you said fuck it.
• After the ass that is Todd Bertuzzi took his second offensive zone penalty of the game, I had to kick my own ass and pinch myself because I agreed with the versus team. they said "Bertuzzi does not have fast enough feet to keep up with Detroit's style." What the fuck did we do as fans to deserve watching that donkey dick night after night...
• And poor Datsyuk I wonder what he thinks of all of this shit. He watches Zetterberg get to play with people who actually have a set of balls and can play the game. For fucks sake Leino and Datsyuk seem more physical than Big Bert. During Datsyuks big hit at center ice, I can only conclude that he was envisioning Babcock....you know he has to be pissed about his line.

Yeah and that's all I can really say about what transpired last night. I'm bitter. I know there are injuries but something has to be done about Bertuzzi and Lebda. Sure they weren't the only reason the Wings lost last night, they had an off game. And that will happen. But the turnovers and lack of hockey intelligence out of those two is getting old. Really fast. Now if only we could find some team stupid enough to make an advantageous trade for them.

What the hell were they drinking?

No I don't mean the Wings who won yet another game....and Jimmy Howard's second in a row. I'm talking about Larry Murphy, Ken Daniels, and Mickey.....they were full of the fucking giggles last night.

From Daniels providing fun Rascal Flats trivia...did you know their lead singer AND his wife are Canadian? To Murph suggesting the Wings third jersey have the Little Caesar's logo on it. And who knew he hated the Canuck's jersey so much? Pretty sure after that comment someone could have taken a Sammy shot to the mouth (that's what she said) and they would have all still been laughing either at or with Murph.

Yeah I certainly miss those goofy bastards when I'm stuck watching a different feed....

Anyway, the Wings had another grind it out win. Ozzie and Maltby were out with a case of flu...not sure if it was the pig flu, but none the less, the Wings tightened up again and won back to back games. I have my full thoughts here. Check it out if you're bored.

Either way I'm very confused about Howard. He once again refrained from sexual assaulting the blue line, had solid rebound control, and dare I say looked confident? I'm still waiting for confirmation that it wasn't actually Howard in net but instead the love child of Hasek and Vernon, a fucked up Ken Holland creation. It's the only thing to explain the sudden turn around. Well that or I should just shut the fuck up and stop questioning anything....and just enjoy the ride....

Oh and just because it makes me feel warm and cozy inside, I have to mention that the Penguins lost 5 of their last 6 games. And While every body and their mother is writing an article about the demise of the Wings and how much Babcock (You know Team Canada's coach, and the guy who lead the Wings to two consecutive finals appearances) sucks a Richard, they seem to gloss over the Pens struggles and instead focus on how Crosby's scoring drought is over....Fuck you Gary...

Wings 9, BJs 1

Yes what you are currently feeling is totally normal. Confusion is a perfectly natural thing to be experiencing. Everyone including the Wings have been telling you they won't score many goals this year. So as a result you may have even done a double take while looking at the score just to make sure the Wings actually won 9-1. Sure they are still THE organization, THE example to all other 29 teams in the league, but a 9-1 victory was a pleasant and unexpected treat.

They bent the BJs, Nash, and Mason over and had their way nine different times, 7 different guys. Sure that sounds like a cheesy porn, but tonight it best describes the ass kicking that took place in Columbus.

Despite being down 6 forwards, they once again pulled together to have a solid team effort. When adversity strikes they seem to step up their game. First after Filppula and tonight after the Williams injury.

I have my complete thoughts here. However, if you didn't see the game, below is the quick and dirty. All you really need to know.

• One minute and 5 seconds into the game Cleary scores. Yes he really is a fucking lazy bastard for waiting so long. He must be hanging out with Lebda.
• After Datsyuk nearly King Henry VIII's (yes I'm a nerd) Klesla (luckily he was ok) he scores. 2-0 Detroit
• Brad May loses a fight
• Draper thinks he is Homer and after Helm and Eaves do the hard work he tips in a shot...seriously Draper must be drinking the blood of hockey virgins every night...he thinks he's 31 again this season
• I did not feel at any point during the game that I should beat Howard with a hockey stick. Not even one of the composite sticks that breaks easily...
• Kronwall scores on the PP 4-0 at the end of the first
• Columbus scores 4-1
• Bertuzzi scores. Sure no one thought that was possible and for awhile only Bert was celebrating, but if Gary and his bitches can't find a way to take the goal back it must have really happened. 5-1
• In an effort to keep Bert's ego in check, Leino has the goal of the game less than 2 minutes later. 6-1
• Kronwall scores again 7-1. And no curly fries for you...he didn't make it to three....
• Abdelkader scores 8-1
• Abdelkader scores 9-1.

Fantastic effort all around. Whatever Babcock put in their Wheaties this morning, I hope he does it again tomorrow.

Thursday they meet Sammy and the Canucks at the Joe. I hope they saved some goals because a win would be nice on Steve Yzerman night....just saying....

19

I feel a bit remiss that I did not make mention of Yzerman's Hall of Fame Induction sooner, however I didn't really know what to say. How do you put into words what your childhood hero, your example of leadership, dedication, and integrity has meant to you, to the state of Michigan through the years. I'm not talented or articulate enough to express all those emotions into words. Luckily someone much more capable was able to convey what we were all feeling.

I remember as a little girl growing up in Metro Detroit, my 5th grade class was given an interesting project. We all had to pick a famous role model we looked up to and admired. Our assignment was to dress as this hero and present a 'biographical' speech to the entire class. Most of the little girls chose Queen Elizabeth, Madonna, or some other famous actress. Myself, and most of the boys in the class, we chose The Captain. As young impressionable kids we had already learned to recognize and appreciate a true, humble leader who chose the good of his team above others.

Yzerman was one of a kind. Unique even to his time. In a day where athletes personal and professional lives are filled with indiscretions and scandals we can truly appreciate having The Captain as our example. We can truly appreciate how lucky we all were to be there for the ride.

Last night he capped an amazing career. And as he has always done, he handled himself with grace, humility, and class.

To The Captain.