A little podcast with your morning Depends?

So I had every intention of posting a recap of the Wings game against the Kings, but when I drug my tired ass out of bed Sunday morning and forced myself to watch, well watch whatever the fuck that was, I just didn't have the motivation to do it. 3 Wings goals in the first, 3 Kings goals in the second, and 3 Red Wing injuries, well quite frankly the number three can go and fuck itself.

Anyway, after inflicting a little unnecessary torture upon myself, it was time to record another episode of The Obstructed View. Seriously, I'm a little nervous to even entertain the idea of listening to this one....There is a distinct possibility that after my random and possibly incoherent ramblings, Chris may be forced to remove me from future podcasts. But in all seriousness, it was an awesome podcast and a ton of fun. This weeks show consisted of Kris from Snipe Snipe Dangle Dangle with her ever subtle humor and interesting perspective, Rob from The Production Line with his hilarious anecdotes and accurate analysis, and the always popular Chris and Brian. It was a great show. Be sure to check it out. You'll discover what a curling gaggle of drunken Murphs really is, the intricacies of facial landing strips, and possibly an explanation for the Wings struggles....

Tonight the Wings take on the 13th place Blues. And I'm petrified. Quite frankly this is the time when I'm irritate by the social stigma adult diapers would bring a 24 year old. But anyway, the Wings are 1 and 3 against the Blues. Exactly the kind of game that brings fear and irrational superstitions to light.

Speaking of which, the man who still causes Patrick Kane to wet his superman sheets is back in the line up. And in honor of his return, I will FINALLY have the opportunity to wear my "Feed the Mule" t-shirt. I don't have the statistics handy, but in the past this shirt has brought a little luck to our deserving team.

And they will need it. Homer is a game time decision or something, anyway, he's out. Eaves is out, Kronwall is out, but at least Miller is in.

Oh and the third defensive pairing, Lebda and Meech, strap on those depends boys and girls, the puck drops at 8.

Holy Goalie Batman...

Alright we get it. Any team with Getzlaf and Perry can only sanely be classified as a collection of shit licking douchbags. But do their television announcers have to be so fucking annoying as well? Seriously, during the course of that slow motion murder of dreams, us poor bastards forced to endure the Duck's feed, were treated to the gems "holy goalie Batman" and "coast to coast like butter toast" and something about Datsyuk riming the puck or stick, something. I don't know. Even for a late night broadcast, it was inappropriate. But seriously, I'm not 5 (although clearly they believe their core audience has the combined mentality of a 5 year old) and I sure as hell don't appreciate watching a hockey broadcast with a script modeled after a Dr. Seuss book. For fucks sake, give me an incoherent drunken Murph any day. If that weren't bad enough I'm pretty sure the creepy little guy on the left hand side of the screen was attempting to eye fuck us all night long. I woke up feeling used and dirty this morning...we didn't even get a free drink out of it. Bastard. Where are his manners?

Sigh, anyway, sure the broadcast sucked, but I'm really just full of the bitchies this morning for a couple of reasons.

1. The Wings played with the intensity and speed of a drunken and stoned donkey
2. Gary Bettman and his circus of ass clowns

I took notes and points I wanted to make about last nights game. Oh I did. More than a few about the absurdity of Ericsson having to fight to defend himself after a good clean hit. About how I'm not ashamed that I woke up from a night terror out of fear that this morning we would find out another big Swede hurt himself due to a poorly timed fight. I had a whole section about how much I still can't stand Williams and was going to rationally, but probably irrationally suggest the Wings dump his 1.5 million dollar salary. Fuck his right handed shot on the PP.

But instead I'm too irritated to go into details. I'm confused by how the Wings could play so well and with such poise against the top league in the conference, but drop into the fetal position and forfeit a win to Getzlaf and his band of pretty pussys. I don't get it. The emotion as Babcock would say was missing.

But more than anything, I'm confused by how the Gary and his joke of a league can have more goals this season against the Wings alone, than Leino has against 29 other teams? It's pathetic. Please, someone, I am too lazy and pissed to figure this out, but how many goal controversies has there been this season alone? The fact that I cannot name them off the top of my head means there are far too many. Sure, the Wings still lost the game, but a 2-1 game sets a completely different tone than a 3-1 game. George over at Snapshots has a much better write up with video. Perhaps I should create a chart plotting the dates and games the league butt fucked the Wings. I'll even use little pictures of asses....I'll put the effort in.

Sigh, It's time for me to step away from the computer now. All I can say is, Gary suck on a herpes infected dick. Time to readjust and re-enforce my tin foil hat.

Holy Hell That Was a Hockey Game

Ignoring the first period near ass raping, and as the saying goes, close only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades, and anal cavities, the Wings played some fantastic hockey.

I'm racking my short term memory (possibly forever damaged by this season) to remember a time when the Wings played such a complete, game. The PK looked strong, the PP emerged from it's hiding place (conveniently located under Murph's secret stash of bulk size Kirklands vodka), the flying circus was posed and in control. Dare I say that despite the first two softie goals, the Wings took that game by the balls.

Work is kicking my booty today, so this will be short. Below are a few random thoughts about the game:

• Being on the West Coast, I'm forced to watch the majority of the games on Center Ice. So when I am blessed with the FSD feed, I often serenading the hockey gods. And no unlike Mike Green I choose something a little more appropriate than "I'm so pretty." But last night, the feed appeared to be circa 1997. I half expected to Murph slur "I'm ready, put me in coach."
• Speaking of FSD, that damn April in the D promotion is back. The only way that it may be tolerable is if the guys from The Triple Deke, Andy from Fight Night and the Joe, and Herm team up for a multinational clusterfuck submission.
• For fucks sake, Homer was on fire last night. Amazing. It was as if that little butt nugget Lebda never broke his foot. He had two assists and nearly as many goals. I'm pretty sure he's been drinking out of the same fountain of youth that's revived Draper. And no I don't mean Leino's young tears of dispair and anguish.
• Last night on the A2Y live blog, JJ from Kansas mentioned that Filppula looks like a young Datsyuk. Exactly. The way he held onto the puck along the boards and in tight spaces, while still making huge plays is very Dangle Dangleish in nature. He's much stronger than he looks and a great play maker. Fantastic game for everyones favorite bleach blonde Finn.
• With the game tied 2-1, I was still in the "please, please don't make me shit my pants quicker than the new inmate" mode. So when the Wings went on the PP, I made some off handed bitchy comment about wishing they would never go on the PP again because they seem more confused and disjointed than a guy attempting to unhook his first bra...and as I was bitching, Zetterberg shut me the hell up. And they ended up converting on 2 of 6 chances. I hope Babcock puts some sort of GPS on the PP. They can't lose it again.
• Maltby had some nice moves in the second. Hey, did you guys know he was a 50 goal scorer in Juniors?
• Meech had the winning goal. Yes dammit, I said Meech. Lebda take note you little turd.
• And Eaves got the forth after brilliant efforts by both Helm and Rafalski. Just a great play. My words won't do it justice. But the hearts of male Red Wing fans across the world are dancing with puppies, rainbows, and unicorns, while swimming in a river of Joe Thornton tears every time they think of Helm and Eaves...

The only downside to last night was the Kronwall incident. In the first my ulcer started bleeding when I saw Kronwall flopping around like a drunken toddler. If there was ever a time where peeing your pants would be cool, that was it. But apparently as everyone, and my grandma has already pointed out, his blade fell off (the jokes write themselves). The MVP of the first period, would definitely be the equipment guys who were handing him a new skate faster than a guy at a bar buys a pretty girl a drink.

Too bad the gods decided to shit on us, and Kronwall tweaked something. Ankle, knee, toe, it doesn't really matter. He's out for AT LEAST the Anaheim game. Who knows for how much longer. What were the fucking chances of that happening.

As a result, the giant Swede will be back in to night and I hope, like Stella, the Wings got their groove back.

Boom, Roasted

Well the Mike Babcock, Ozzie bitch slap/ ball stomping, comment has now made the rounds. I officially saw it for the first time at The Triple Deke. It was subtle right? Very interesting Babcock. I'm not a genius, but I don't have to read between the lines on that one.

None the less this whole public flogging reminds me of Michael Scott's version of an office wide roast. Yes, check out the clip if you need a little giggle on this Monday morning.

For some weird reason I envision Babcock standing in the middle of the dressing room going:

Leino, you suck. Boom, roasted.

Williams, you cry like a little girl. Boom, roasted.

Bertuzzi, your faux/mohawk automatically makes you a douche. Boom, roasted.

May, Lebda could kick your ass. Boom, roasted.

Datsyuk, you speak English bad. Boom, roasted.

Jimmy, you're American and JR said I hate Americans. So Boom, roasted.

Maltby, yeah, enough said. Boom, roasted.

Not that Babcock is in anyway Michael Scott, but I just imagine that his insults are neither clever nor unique, but instead confusing or straight to the point.

Let's wait and see if Ozzie has any response. I imagine it involves a middle finger and a Bingo Bango approved amount of FUCKS.

In good news, Kronwall appears to be ok. So yeah, thank you baby Jesus.

Wait the Wings Played Today?

Because I honestly thought Crosby was playing Malkin and the Wings players were the puck boys and Jimmy was just there for target practice. Well that's what NBC told me...

Seriously, I hate NBC. Just when you think a sports broadcast cannot be any worse than the amateur production on Versus, we get the distinct pleasure of viewing that shitfest on NBC. Now I warn you, before I get into the game, I need to get some NBC, Pierre McGuire, Edzo, hate off my chest.


Let me start off by saying I was seriously concerned for Sidney Crosby. Now just give me a second to explain. The amount of man love, taking place was disconcerting. I firmly believe it was a necessity to have a police escort get Sid the Kid out of Mellon arena tonight. If not he may have found his Shirley Temple (with extra cherries) spiked with a little somethin somethin, which forced him to take the risk of walking down a dark alley. Waiting for him, would be Pierre and Edzo for a little on the knees love fest...it got to that point today.


Since the Wings once again decided it wasn't necessary to show up for the first 40 minutes, thus frustrating me to no end, I decided to start tallying the number of times anyone on the NBC crew mentioned Crosby. Now this number didn't include the number of times they showed him before every commercial break, after most plays, and most memorably after Stuart's tying goal, no, it was just saying his name. My final number 84. And I wasn't even paying that much attention since I was still a bit "tired" from the night before. 84 fucking times. Are you kidding me?

So what did I do, I became frustrated, started bitching, and possibly irrationally yelling at the TV. My husband took his life into his own hands by telling me I must be imagining it, no one can be that biased....and so he watched the rest of the game with me. Here's what we were able to see:

• After the first period, they did a loooovely expose on wait for it, wait for it...Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin....heaven forbid they discuss the game
• After the second period, they did a piece on Malkin....were the Penguins playing themselves? Are there any other teams in the NHL outside of the Capitals and the Penguins.
• The squirt of the game or whatever that shit was, was Fleury.
• Crosby provided us with the douche squeaks of the game
• I don't give a shit that Crosby hits pucks into a dryer....but I did see that commercial on at least 3 separate occasions, and no I didn't go to facebook to see who won
• Pierre did get off his knees and wipe his mouth long enough to interview Babcock for 23 seconds....wow thanks, you completely left the Wings fans satisfied.

The result, my husband openly said "you're right, they're lining up for a Penguins gang bang."

NBC is always terrible to watch, they fail to show replays of penalties, for fucks sake they fail to show game tying goals live, but today, they took the one sided bias to a whole new level. McGuire honestly reminded me of that blonde chick from the movie Obsessed. You know that movie with Beyonce and the guy who was on a few episodes of The Office. Pretty sure he has a giant poster of Crosby and that obnoxious commercial with Max Talbots head covered with his own replaying over and over again....

Now that I'm done with that, and thanks for listening to my rant, below are a few random thoughts about the game:

• The early start time confused the Wings and they did not show up for the first period. Jimmy was forced to stop 16 shots in the first alone. Unacceptable. I have no words or understanding to where their motivation could possibly be.
• Zetterberg and Datsyuk played well. Datsyuk being the second best Wing after young James.
• Despite tightening up on defense lately, the were slopping in their own end more times that Crosby's name was mentioned... that is until it came to the PK where they once again played fantastically....explain that one to me
• Filppula schooled Gonchar, too bad the creepy guy in the office who spends half the day picking his zits had a greater chance of scoring...because Fil also missed a wide open net. Damn.
• Kronwall may or may not be hurt. MOTHER FUCKER. Seriously, we just got him back. He had a big hit on the giant Canadian that is Staal, and he was limping. He went down hard. Sure he stayed on the bench but it didn't look good. I am afraid to read the news tomorrow. It will suck for the Wings if he reinjured his knee....but it will be awful for him personally with the Olympics coming up.

Whew. I know that was a short one, but I'm not fully over the loss or the Crosby dick blowing that took place today to write more. I'll just end it with this, Jimmy Howard faced another 40 plus shots, and kept the Wings in the game.

Coyotes 5 Wings 4 OT

Yes that really fucking just happened. Normally I would say that game was a kick to the balls, a paper cut on the scrotum, but I don't think that fully explains it. This game was more than just painful, the outcome was embarrassing. I equate it more to the feeling that I am sure the genius on my study abroad had when on the first night of the program, he got shit faced drunk, sang "God Bless the USA," in a french karaoke bar, took a few kicks to the balls himself and woke up hungover in a French jail. See painful and embarrassing.

I missed most of the first period thanks to a hefty dose of Phoenix traffic, but from what I hear the Wings played well. Datsyuk scored the first goal, and apparently Kronwall looked good.

The beginning of the second period was less than impressive. Zetterberg took his second tripping penalty of the game and the Wings looked out of place and sloppy.

Lebda and Ericsson were, well Lebda and Ericsson, with our giant friend essentially watching the Coyotes first power play goal. I am sending a search party to find the Ericsson of last season....Perhaps we can employee Andy from Fight Night at the Joe to head over to Sweden and see if he is hiding out there.

But if that weren't bad enough, Phoenix ends up taking the lead. Awful. Just awful. But in true form, the Wings fucked with our emotions. They teased us and toyed with us. Allowed us to hope. Because on the next play, Patrick Eaves, yes fucking Patrick Eaves, scored. The Draper, Helm, and Eaves line is like a shot of penicillin to a bad does of syphilis, just what this team needs.

With the game tied 2-2, I hear the Versus announcers inform us that Zetterberg has gone back to the dressing room. I assume they are mistaken, because well this is Versus and they just played their impressive theme song during a 2 on 1 rush. But no he really did. Terror struck, the stages of grief whipped by. One by one. I began questioning how the Wings could get one Swede back just to lose another. How this season is going through players faster than a college freshman goes through STDs. But luckily he came back. Perhaps I should send the Wings a bill for the ulcer I must be developing.

There has been a great deal of talk all season about Lidstroms lack of production. Personally it never concerned me. I honestly believe he was revamping and adjusting his game to deal with the injuries. He needed to play more conservatively and with his rotating partners, he needed to make sure he was always in position to get back. With Ericsson and now Kronwall in the line up, I think he can re transform his game once again. The two fantastic goals tonight were a giant shut the fuck up to any Lidstrom detractors. Oh and Mike Green, that is how a Norris winning, Olympian plays defense. Yes Defense.

While Lidstrom was having a great game, Stuart certainly was not. He was on the ice for everyone of the Coyotes 4 goals. Yes, I said four goals, because for the second game in a row, the Wings blew a 2 goal lead faster than a cheap prostitute behind a dumpster. Pathetic. With 21 seconds remaining they lost Jimmy his win.

And overtime wasn't much better with the Coyotes scoring and taking the 2 points Detroit needed so badly. Wow. If it were possible to fuck yourself in the ass, that is exactly what the Wings did tonight. The crowd was into it, they had a 2 goal lead, and yet with the bar closing at 2 am and their date sufficiently drunk, they still couldn't close the deal. They still couldn't bring her home. Next up Minnesota.

Back from the abyss

Well considering that I haven't posted on this blog since Christmas, I would normally say I was on a break...but let's be honest, I was absent for nearly as long as Ville Leino's offensive game, which is really fucking long. And no, during my absence I can assure you I did not find where he is hiding his talent or where Bettman stashes his Crosby masturbation videos. I was instead super busy at work and moving into our first home, which for some reason left me without cable for a week and a half.

In fact, when I was finally able to begin watching the Wings, they went on that 3 game losing streak which ended last night. I began to secretly wonder if I was bringing some sort of bad mojo....

Anywho, just a few quick things that have already been discussed during my "break."

The Herm to Hockeytown event is heating up. If you haven't ordered your tickets yet...do it. It promises to be an awesome event. Finally just booked all of mine and looking forward to being back in Michigan in March.

For some reason, Brian and Chris decided to bring me back for another Red Wings podcast. (By the way, thanks again guys.) It was a great time with the very knowledgeable Andy from Fight Night at the Joe and the always entertaining and thought provoking Michael Petrella from The Production Line. I'll be honest, considering I hate listening to my own voicemail recording, I have avoided downloading any of my podcasts....that is unless I plan on auditioning for the next Alvin and the Chipmunks movie....

During my hiatus, we also learned a little something about Patrick Kane....evidently he likes to scream boom after he scores.....too many jokes there, but the cabby battering king of the mini douches probably likes to use this term during other moments of excitement. You know like when he stops the gas pump on an even dollar amount (his strong aversion to change is well documented), or when the dermatologist tells him his acne should really clear up once he finishes going through puberty, or the day he found Mike Greens self love website and decided to use it as a template for his own...you know the small victories in life people often take for granite. Seriously, what the fuck did you think I meant, take your head out of the gutter...This blog only contains pure and good thoughts. Yes I'm sarcastically shining my halo.

Anyway, speaking of everyones favorite Norris contender, how did I not see his website before. How did no one share it with me? Mike Green has his own personal masturbation website. What a fantastic idea. (Mike "the situation" from the Jersey Shore is kicking his own faux hawked ass right now for not thinking of that idea first). I mean seriously, tell me a guy with a mix of tattoos that contain, the quintessential tribal tattoo, references to faith, and little pretty flowers, did not create that site just for his own personal enjoyment. I mean seriously, too much to pick from for my first post back. I promise to revisit this in the future.

Someone put Ozzie's bra in the freezer again (Babcock we're looking at you) because he decided to throw a bitch fit to the media. I wish they would both keep this shit behind closed doors.

And finally to last nights game. I missed the first 2 periods and most of the 3rd because it decided to rain in Arizona. While the media was sensationalizing the impending storm, I laughed and remembered trekking through feet of snow on my way to class at MSU. But soon I realized that 5 inches of rain the desert can flood my backyard to the point where I needed to dig a drainage ditch. And by me, I mean I asked my husband. So mother nature fucked my hockey night, but I did get to see the shoot out....and yes, when Miller came up, my immediate thought was, this is what the season has fucking come to. And when he scored, I cheered, laughed, annoyed my mud soaked husband, and felt an uncontrollable need to sing the MSU fight song, chipmunk voice and all. Great to see the Wings win. Crossing my fingers and toes they can take that momentum into the game on Saturday.