Monday, April 19, 2010

Let's Look to the Stars

Today's been, well, it's been sort of depressing if we're going to be honest here. There's some anger, doom, gloom, and some serious Coyote ass kissing going on. So I've had enough. Whenever things make me sad, I know it's time to turn to the nonsensical and ridiculous.

So if you are looking for anything actually related to hockey, first of all why are you here? And second, you should probably stop reading, right about now. Because below I have pulled tomorrow's horoscopes for some of our favorite Red Wings. Perhaps to give us some insight into what game 4 will bring.

Now I know what you are thinking. I'm a crazy bitch and how could horoscopes really give us a look into the future. Well, with the way Jobu fucked us, the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde split personalities this team seems to have, and the fact that I only picked players with horoscopes that made me happy, it should be pretty accurate. I know, that's some sound logic right there.

So here we go:

Player: Jimmy Howard

Sign: Aries

4/20 Horoscope: There's no need to pretend that you have everything under control today. In fact the more you try to hide your lack of confidence, the more transparent you will be. But you have a chance now to turn your shortcomings into strengths if you are willing to go out on a limb and admit your fears. Instead of appearing foolish by covering up what everyone already knows, get your concerns out into the open. Others will be willing to support you if they know you are being honest.

My Take: It's time for Jimmy to tell his teammates he needs some fucking support and that his rebounds look juicier to the Coyotes than Crosby's ass does to Bettman. Perhaps this will open their eyes, they'll start covering the lanes, forwards will begin backchecking, and they'll finally breakout of the defensive zone without immediately turning the puck over. All of that may in fact happen if Jimmy admits his shortcomings...hmmm it's either that or he needs to tell them where Osgood has hidden his mojo. Either one seems feasible.

Player: Johan Franzen

Sign: Capricorn

4/20 Horoscope: Remaining sensitive to other people's needs today can be the key to your current happiness. It's not that you are co-dependent; it's just that your life is truly intertwined with those closest to you and you don't live in a vacuum. Although you might prefer to avoid an overly emotional meltdown, sticking with a discussion about your feelings can lead to revitalizing a troubled relationship.

My Take: I think this really points us to the reason for Franzen's current poor level of play. He's having a fight with Homer. Once again, Holmstrom went on a crazed Swedish candy sugar high and stole Franzen's video tape (not DVD) of Saturday Night Fever. Not only was Franzen's pregame ritual thrown off, but he also can't stand the sight of that stinky figured man. If they sit down, have a good chat, and work it out, playoff Mule should return.

Player: Pavel Datsyuk

Sign: Cancer

4/20 Horoscope: It's not easy to cover up your feelings today, even if you attempt to hide behind your shell. But paradoxically, your worries can morph into your greatest strengths now; if you embrace them you'll be able to overcome the obstacles they portend. But if you make believe that everything is fine, your fears can grow and complicate your day even further.

My Take: Fanfuckingtastic. Datsyuk is one player who generally seems pissed when he loses. So I like this horoscope. Take the fears of going down 3-1 to Gary's second favorite team, and use them to make the series even. So if we go off this Wings fans, we're fine. No really. AOL Horoscopes told me so....

Player: Patrick Eaves

Sign: Taurus

4/20 Horoscope: The Sun's return to your sign today marks the beginning of your birthday month. You would be wise to reconsider your priorities and allow time for both work and play. Your well of energy is deeper now, so putting in a little extra effort on the job should pay off. But don't forget about giving yourself enough time to relax. Maintaining your health is easier when physical activity is offset by sufficient rest.

My Take: Patrick Eaves has been one player, consistently trying and give 110 every night. So the fact that our psychic friends are telling us he can do more. That's great news. And perhaps he could even do a little transference and give some of that energy to say Bertuzzi or Ericisson. You know to share the wealth and spread the effort out.

Player: Henrik Zetterberg

Sign: Libra

4/20 Horoscope: You are motivated to take care of others today, but you might not be willing to stop with your family. You may choose to carry your loving and nurturing energy out into your community or workplace. Just be careful that your desire to enhance the lives of those around you could be taken too far. Don't stick your nose into business that's not your concern or you could be perceived as a manipulative person when you only meant to help.

My Take: This horoscope is two fold. First, he's going to help his teammates out of this collective funk because it smells worse than Shane Doan after.....oh for fucks sake forget. Second, he's going to help the Coyotes remember their place. And sure, they'll resent it. Perhaps they'll hate our future Captain for trying to show them the light. Maybe they'll even be a little butt sore, but too damn bad. Better they learn the lesson now.

Alright this could go on for awhile,but I think it's safe to say we should feel relatively confident. The horoscopes and the stars are lining up. The players should be all set for this must win game. We now have sufficient evidence. Just don't read about the Aquarius. That sign doesn't seem to excited about careers for tomorrow....

Yep. This season has officially caused me to lose my fucking mind.

1 comment:

  1. Yep. This season has officially caused me to lose my fucking mind.

    Haha, Brilliant