Monday, April 19, 2010

Don't Drop the Octopus

That weekend was full of more emotional highs and lows that a teenage girl who just got her first period. Yes I went there. I'm all sorts of pissed off and bitchy so why the hell not. Yes I still am. So let me begin with the highs before I delve deep into self pitty and depression.

Friday night was awesome. My first playoff game ended exactly how I had hoped. With a Red Wings win. Myself, my husband, and a few friends met up with Sully, Calquake, and Mike Serven. Fantastic people all around. We had a great time. I have been indoctrinating my Arizona friends for years now. I've made them Wings fans. So when my one friend showed up in a red shirt with something in Swedish written across the front, I decided my transformation was complete. Unfortunately, later in the evening, we learned google translator is not the best source for accurate Swedish phrases. Some Swedish guy we met at a bar basically told her that her shirt said she was ready for a gang bang, or something along those lines. Anyway, definitely not what it was supposed to say.

But aside from the t-shirt foul and Sully nearly getting gang banged in a Glendale jail, the night was a resounding success. Sully has his write up at NOHS. There's really not much more I can add to this. Nothing to say except that Wings fans are awesome people. When else would you feel totally comfortable meeting up with people from the Internet knowing full well you would have a great time? So thanks to Calquake, Serven, and Sully for adding to my first playoff game experience.

And this is the spot where I had every intention of writing about how I can't wait to go to the game on Friday. How much fun that will be and yada yada yada. But quite frankly right now I'm too scared for that shit. I'm petrified that it could be a must win situation. I'm terrified that the Coyotes could be up 3 to 1 in the series and I will publicly make a fool of myself while dropping to the fetal position and peeing my pants. I'm 25, that shit just isn't acceptable anymore.

I don't understand what the hell was going on yesterday. Who was that shit brick of a team? That team that put out 50 percent of an effort and decided that was enough. How can a fully stocked Red Wings team lose to the fucking Coyotes...who were missing Fiddler and Doan? And most importantly, how can I care about the outcome of this series more than a professional athlete?

How is that we fans live and breathe the game. Have our moods altered, stress out during every odd man rush, every Jimmy Howard rebound, every turn over in the neutral zone, and the Wings players show little to no emotion? Can they show they care, just a little bit? Show a bit more effort. Something anything.

It's one thing to lose when the Wings put out their best effort. It's another thing entirely to lose when they seem to be hardly trying. Especially in the second and third periods. Yes, yes intent to blow came back to butt fuck them, but again, it shouldn't have been an issue. The Wings are responsible for allowing a goal within the first minute, for allowing the Coyotes to get comfortable at the Joe, in front of their fans. Fans who have been loyal through all the ups and downs of this fucktastic season. And that's how you were repaid folks. With that performance on a Sunday afternoon.

Below are a few other thoughts about the game. And just a few. I'm trying to remain positive. Trying to look at the fact that the Wings lost 2 games in the first round in 1998, 2002, and 2008. Trying to convince myself that everything will be alright. It doesn't help when it looks like they want a longer summer.
  • Jimmy Howard. He hasn't played terrible, but he's appeared average. Not the game stealer, ass saver we watched during the regular season. At 26, and with 5 years of professional hockey experience, I assumed he would be fine during the playoffs, but he seems off. That swagger that fuck you attitude, well it seems to be gone. Granite that may be due to the fact that his teammates have left him out to dry on multiple occasions, but he should be used to that by now. We need Jimmy to pull his shit together.
  • Franzen. Is he hurt? Is it a knee issue? Does someone have to tell him that Shane Doan is really Patrick Kane in a fugly cheap mask? Something anything to get him pissed off and fired up. Where the fuck is playoff Mule? He seems slow, he's avoiding driving the net, and he's not backchecking like the beast we all know and love. Yes he had an amazing goal last game, but that's it. The Wings need more from him.
  • Abdelkader. Fantastic game. Not only is he hitting, but he's backchecking, registering take aways at the perfect times, providing much needed energy, and stealing your girlfriend. If everyone on the team would give the effort Abby is giving, well I wouldn't be all bitchy this morning.
  • Kronwall. Did he and Mule decide to slowly kill us all together? Perhaps Babcock needs to put a curfew on their late night sleepovers/gab sessions/ hair braiding extravaganzas, because they both seem tried. I don't really want to talk about it.
  • Homer. Hi yes Red Wings, he is most effective when he sets up shop in front of the net. But remember, that's two fold. Some shots need to make it to the net for him to do his job. Without that, he just looks like a cheap whore rubbin his ass on some guy in a club.
  • Darren Helm. I feel dirty. I feel bad even thinking this shit let alone typing it. I'm scared Herm's going to fly from Brazil to come here and bitch slap me. But what's up with Helm? He isn't using his speed to create space and opportunities and he seems to have inherited Lebda's puck handling ability. It must be due to his new buzz cut throwing off his aerodynamics. There is no other explanation.

I could honestly go on and on. Discuss the theory of putting a Team USA t-shirt underneath Rafalski's Red Wings sweater in order to trick him into playing well. I could develop a plan to put super glue or some other sticky substance on Al's hands so he never fucking drops an Octopus again. We could all discuss the options of the best way to scare the shit out of Bertuzzi to the point that he will never do that damn spin o rama during an odd man rush again. Anything.

But what it comes down to is simple. The Wings third and fourth lines were their best. The first two need to step up and dominate. And every single Wings player needs to put out 110% effort. If that doesn't start, its going to be a long, long summer. Tuesday is as must win as them come. A loss is not an option. Flying back to hockey hell down 3-1 is a death sentence. A fate worse than a night in Gary's basement, ok maybe not, but you get what I'm saying.

They need to dig deep and decide if they want this, if they really want to begin another quest for the cup. Because right now, they don't seem too sure. Right now they don't seem to want it.

I'm hoping to be back later this afternoon with sunshine and rainbows shooting out my ass, something a bit more positive.


  1. That was just horribly ugly. I do not know what else to say. I just couldn't recognize that team that was on the ice yesterday. You have summed it up well, I'm wondering what the heck is up with Mule and Kronwall. They both just seem off. Please don't let us go down 3-1, please. My little ol' heart can't take it.

  2. Everyone hating on Helm makes me a sad panda. The fact that all the bad things that they are saying are pretty much spot on, makes me even sadder.

    Game 4 better be a good one.

  3. the worst part is, now when some phucknix supporter busts in and posts about how weak and stupid we look on one of our boards/blogs/interweb hangouts...i really won't be able to counter with anything.
    *furiously rubs rogaine into my playoff beard*

    well, thats not entirely true. i'll still be able to point out that they don't know icing from an icee...