Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It's Award Season

Yes I am well aware that the season is not yet over, but I'm just so fucking happy the Wings are in the playoffs that I'm starting this bitch off early. (no those are not tears running down my face and my voice is not cracking from crying with happiness.) Now I'm sure other, MUCH more talented bloggers will also post "awards" but I still wanted to throw my hat into the mix.

So below is the first, of what will hopefully be a series of award posts.

Most Likely to be a Figure Skater: Is there any doubt as to who would win this award? Detroit's very own (yes I still cringe writing that) Todd Bertuzzi. Not only does he have a toothless smile that makes the guys and gals drop their pants, but his graceful spinoramas will rival even Johnny Weir in a fur embellished unitard. Todd Bertuzzi, hats off to you.

Best Shoot Out Attempt: None other than fan favorite Patrick Eaves. Eaves' beauty, his grace, the memorizing skating nearly cost Betuzzi's his award this year. Not to mention his positive attitude during this massive fail caused a Babcockian Crush to blossom. Yes folks, spring and man crushes are in the air. And we all know how special that is. Uncle Mike has some fickle, fickle taste. From Samuelson to Lebda, and dare I say now Patrick Eaves. At least the fans and Babcock can agree on this one. Congratulations Patrick. You have won over some tough critics. Now really please sign him NOW Kenny.

Most Likely to Make Your Butt Pucker Worse than on the First Day of Jail: Drum roll please.....Brett Lebda. The perpetual fan whipping boy, the one player consistently joining the rush at the most inopportune time, his lovely arrant passes, and inability to cover the lanes has earned Lebda this distinct honor. As a free agent this summer, Red Wing fans and their chapped butt holes are hoping he chooses to move on and torture a new fan base. Haven't we all had enough? But until then, kudos to you Brett.

Best Facial Hair: Now this one may not be as obvious as some of the other award winners. Most people including myself immediately think of Henrik Zetterberg and his perfectly manicured facial hair. And now thanks to those fuckers over at TTD, I immediately think of them pleasuring Zetterberg with their nose hairs. So thanks for that guys. But while the Wings future captain may be the runner up, the true winner of this award has to be everyone's favorite four legged animal, the Mule. How can we not honor the amazing 1970s male gigolo mustache he rocked after his triumphant return prior to the Olympic break. Think of it as a red Tom Selleck inspired stache. Pure genius and I believe personally responsible for adding a little fire to the Wings play. Nothing more to say than thank you Mule for bringing back the crumb catcher.

Now Jimmy Howard could win a number of awards with year. Not just the bitchy and sarcastic awards here at Bingo Bango, but real Gary Bettman sponsored awards. Please cue the oooohhhhs and ahhhhhs. But since I'm hardly every serious, lets focus on the nonsensical variety. Now there are a number of titles that could be awarded to Young James. For example, creepiest fucking eyes, or most likely to get caught smoking a joint with the concession stand guys. But today, he wins the Darren McCarty Teammate Award (it comes with a mug similar to the #1 Boss variety) for this face wash/ punch/ moment of all around awesomeness against Gary's baby boy. Ahhh yes, our James had enough of the cross checks to the head and back on the future captain, so instead of waiting for Bertuzzi to complete his latest triple axel, he took matters into his own hands. Now sure, this wasn't a beatdown of massive proportions, it was more symbolic in nature. It showed his rise in confidence and team spirit. (next we'll see him as leader of the pep squad) My favorite part wasn't even the face wash, but the ensuing crazy eyed laughter as Crosby held back his tears and promised to tell Gary and Mario all about this. Well congrats James, a well earned honor.

Most Likely to Make Murph Shit his Pants with Excitement: Well who else could it be than Detroit's very own Dangle Dangle. While Murphs eyes are generally only half open due to a drunken haze, he still seems to fumble and drool over the magic that is Pavel Datsyuk. Now there are a number of players that cause Murphs speech to become unrecognizable but the reason Dangle was awarded this honor is because I am most surprised that Larry can even keep up with his shifty steals, goals, and all around masterful play. Some in the media question his candidacy for the Selke due to his diminished time on the pk, but in my book, if he can still cause a good ole' fashion Murphy pants shit, he's number one.

The Man Most Likely To Steal John Keating's Heart: Awwwww. Yes come on, you can say it with me. It's one of those touchy feely awards. Well not really. It's more along the lines of one of those fucking creepy things you find out during the course of an awkward and contrived interview. (aka a hockey player interview)Anyway, this award recipient could have also been bestowed a number of serious honors. For fucks sake the man may never have played hockey again. Despite the fact that a few years ago I never thought I would type or utter these words, but thank baby Jesus that Lilja is back. Apparently his extended absence caused Keating to reflect on why he loves Andres so very much. So awkwardly and uncomfortably on a March 9th game against Nashville, FSD's own John Keating instructed Lilja to take off his helmet so all the ladies could see how handsome he is. For fucks least he just asked for the helmet to be removed.

School Yard Bully Award: Were I really focused and done a post like this last year, this player would have been a repeat winner. Unfortunately I'm to sporadic and unreliable for that type of thing. So the first time ever, School Yard Bully Award goes to Johan Franzen, for this taunting and hilarious actions against the Chicago Blackhawks. Last year it was the pacifier, I mean mouth guard incident, this year is was the dramatic and perfectly executed diving motion and call. He may not fight but he will pick on you until you wet your pants. Congratulations to the Mule for his second award of the year. Golf claps and finger snaps.

Biggest "Fuck with the Fans" Moment: It was a February Second game. He just came back from a knee injury and suddenly, in the corner of his own zone, we see Kronwall flopping around like a drunken stripper just attempting to stay up on his feet. Panic, nausea, concern swept over Wings nation as we anxiously awaited word from Ken and Mickey that his knee fell off and our dogs died. But instead, he merely lost the blade to his skate. How the fuck that happened I have no idea, but it was too much for me to handle. It's time he makes it up to us and Kronwall either Crosby or Kane. I don't care who. So congratulations fucker, thanks for taking precious years off my life.

The Always Gives a Shit Award: (Also known as the Shit-giver) This player steals the hearts of Brazilian men, has the speed a mongoose (not sure if they're actually fast but go with it), is responsible for the term "the kill", and plays through a broken nose because "if it's broken, it's broken." Yes not only is Darren Helm a bad ass extraordinaire, but he always gives a shit. Every fucking game he gives an effort. Off the top of my head I can think of three short handed goals. Babcock has a full on man crush and so does the state of Michigan. Mom and Dad's lock up your kids, Darren Helm is here to stay. I call it, a Wing for life. Congratulations Mr Helm, or shall we say Herm's personally god.


  1. I'm sorely disappointed that I wasn't even considered or given a mention in the "Best Facial Hair" category. Although, I strongly agree that Mule's pornstache was one of the greatest sights of this entire season.

  2. I feel a bit remiss not including you as a nominee. Especially since there were some rumblings at H2H that your beard was more impressive than gasp, Henrik Zetterbergs. Although no one, Zetterberg included, can really compete with the Franzen stache, even if that Howard kid from Butler gave it a try. I believe his mustache was the epitome of 1970s bad assness. And yes, that is now officially a word.

  3. Nothing for Valterri? Surely he deserves some silly fucking award, for his face or hair, if for nothing else...