Friday, October 30, 2009

Well that was delightful

Wow. The Wings have got to stop playing the first two periods like that. It's brutal, painful, and a terrible shit storm. I have my entire reaction here. Although at this point anything I write seems pointless....

With Filppula out 6-8 weeks with a broken wrist, I throw my hands in the fucking air. I don't know what else to say. Last night when I first heard the delightful news, this was my response. Sorry, but my initial reaction hasn't changed much.

All I know for sure is Datsyuk and Zetterberg will be split up again, and as expected Holland has no intention of calling up anymore forwards. And my guess, he will stay the coarse and refuse to make any trades.

Here's what Lidstrom had to say:

“We have to bear down and play even better,” Nicklas Lidstrom said. “We have to play even better defensively and be more conscious in our own zone, especially when you’re losing some of the forwards that are going to contribute offensively. Missing him, he’s a very important part of our team.”

Everyone in the Wings organization has been saying that all through October, the Wings blogosphere has been shouting it in Kanye West style all caps since the first game...and yet it hasn't happened. Excuses are running out, players are going down, and something needs to change, needs to happen and fast.

It seems as though they are running scared. That cool, confident swagger is dissipating. I understand there are a lot of new faces, but there is also a large veteran presence. Lidstrom, Maltby, Draper, Zetterberg, Datsyuk,'s time for them to push the young guys through this. With Franzen down and now Filppula, it's trial by fire. Do or die, basically every cliche you can think of.

This team of Champions needs to pull their collective head out of their ass and use this second injury, another set back, as motivation for a record breaking November.

The talent is, the ability is there. We have seen it in the last two third periods they played. It's time to translate that throughout entire games. Pick it up boys.

Filppula had this to say about his injury:

“I feel terrible, but nothing I can do now,” Filppula said.

Yeah you know what, I feel fucking terrible about it too. It's time for the rest of the Wings to do something about it.....

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wings vs. Oilers vs. Swine Flu

Yep so tonight the Wings take on two separate opponents. The Oilers and the Swine Flu. They can barely handle one opponent on some nights and now we want them to BOTH win AND worry about Homer picking his nose or licking something and contracting the flu?? Well why don't we just ask for a million dollars and be done with it. Be prepared for some stressful moments tonight.

I have a few breakdowns over at D4L:

First is a "Pre Game" if you will. And by pregame I mean my usual mindless ramblings and pointless predictions, with some pleas and begging to the hockey gods mixed in. So really a typical game day.

I also attempt to alleviate my own stress by regurgitating Khan's news that Datsyuk will be in tonight. Yes I was being a selfish bitch and making me feel better. But come on. The Flying Circus combined for 3 goals and a shitty Zetterberg breakaway last game. The Wings need Datsyuk to start where he finished in Vancouver.

With that said, however, I am with the Chief on this one. With the injuries the Oilers are dealing with and the Wings coming off a win, well let's be honest. This is exactly the kind of game they love to lose. I'll shut my fucking mouth, but deep down you know it's true.

Anywho, be sure to check out D4L today and I will be back tomorrow with a post game.

Jesus I hope it will be a positive recap. Is that asking too much???

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Well that certainly felt better than a loss

Apparently Tuesday night was when Datsyuk decided to make his triumphant return. He road in on his white horse, broke his scoring draught and helped the Wings to their first away win of the year.

Head over to Detroit 4 Lyfe to see my full post game write up.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I guess he thought why the hell not?

Far be it for me to question Mike Babcock. The man has lead the Wings to two consecutive Stanley Cup Finals. Yzerman trusts him enough to make him coach of Team Canada, and the moment I question anything about Yzerman is when I deserve to have bamboo shoots shoved up my finger nails (ok that was extreme...) I'm not on the fire Babcock bandwagon which seems to be loading up faster than Lindsey Lohan at a night club. (Now McCrimmon is another story, he seems to fit nicely in my scapegoat category.)

But I will say I don't exactly agree with the decision to bench Helm in place of Abdelkader and Mays. Sure Helm has had a slow start and he doesn't seem to have the impact he did during the playoffs. But he is still strong on the forecheck, and is important on the PK. He needs time to recover from his injury and work through the first few games. This is essentially his training camp. I worry that this could be a confidence killer.

Yet at the same time, I trust Babcock to push the players as necessary, and maybe this is what Helm and the team as a whole needs.

Oh fuck it, bring on the tequila tonight.

Worthless Preview

Unfortunately this has become quite a routine here recently, but this preview is devoid of any real deep analysis. Work has decided as of late to personally come back and kick my ass....not sure what I did to piss off Karma, but from this blog alone the possibilities are endless...anywho, if you're still reading, bless you, because below are a few quick points on the Canucks and the game tonight.

Hold on tight boys and girls, this is the night we get to watch, the most amazing goalie in the entire world, the savior of the position, Jesus Christ on skates, and Weather Channel star....the one, the only, Robert Lugano. (please insert golf claps and finger snaps) Oh that's right tonight we will witness live, the goalie who has won, well nothing, but can shed a crocodile tear faster than a teenager caught stealing their parents car ROBERT LUGANO.....seriously I think it is the obligation of every member of the media assigned the Canucks beat to either A) bend over in his holy presence, or B) get on their knees. The love fest is non stop.

Apparently Kyle Wellwood is fat. Personally I think he ate the Jonny Ericsson we all grew to know from last years playoffs and just hasn't fully digested him yet.

I never knew that the Canucks have only been to the finals twice, and each time they have lost to a New York team. Yep pointless fact but interesting to me.

Daniel Sedin is out with a broken foot. In other news, his brother Henrik is suffering from a broken is he supposed to spend a 60 minute game without his other half??

And now for the real nut stompper. Samulesson, ahhh yes the very same Samulesson who's shot in years past was more likely to break Cleary's face or invade the Canadian border than hit the back of the net is leading the Vancouver team with 5 goals. For fucks sake this season is bizarre...but rest assured, Homer is leading the Wings in goals, and Maltby is leading them with the best shooting percentage. Enough said.

During yesterday's practice Babcock decided to split up the Leino-Filppula-Williams line. That's right the most consistent line of the season may not play together tonight, but with the Twilight Zone theme of this season, perhaps it will be a positive.

I am however sad to say the one change that everyone has been screaming to take place (*cough splitting up Lebda and Ericsson *cough) does not appear to be the cards. As usual Matt at On The Wings has the full analysis.

Be back tomorrow with a wrap up of the game. For fucks sake can it be positive for once???

Some Exciting News

Ok, ok I admit that title was slightly lame, but don't let it take away from the exciting announcement buried in this post. Very exciting for me anyway.

Bob from over at Detroit 4 Lyfe, has asked me to become a Red Wings contributor for his fantastic site. Oh shut it, he was of sound and able mind while making that decision, don't worry I asked repeatedly....

As I am sure many of you know D4L is like porn for the hardcore Detroit sports fan. Covering everything from the Lions, Tigers, Pistons, Red Wings, oh and of course the Spartans. They also seem to excel at amazing pieces like this. If you have not yet been over there, be sure to stop by. You will be incredibly pleased. It can be sarcastic, humorous, but always incredibly well written and informational for the Detroit sports fan. I am extremely excited, honored, and humbled they asked little ole me to contribute.

Bob, the fearless leader, has asked me to essentially bring some of what I do over here at Bingo Bango to D4L. And I am excited to begin later this week.

I'll still be writing just as much for Bingo Bango (where else would it be socially appropriate for me to compare Pronger to a cum rag) but will have some additional pieces at D4L. Please be sure to stop by, check it out, and follow them on facebook.

A big thanks to Bob and all the writers at D4L.

I'll be back this afternoon with a pregame for the Vancouver game.....cover your eyes if you don't want to read a cliche, but this game is a must win.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Stop me if you've heard this one before

Ok, by the time I finally decided another Red Wings loss had set in and I was ready to write about it, I discovered that the notes I took during the game were lost. Most likely eaten by my dog. No that's not a lame excuse for how pathetic this post is about to be, it's just the reality of my house. My dog eats everything, carpet, toilet paper, furniture, and of course anything I deem important. Basically she is 6 pounds of pure hell on 4 you can blame her for what you are about to read.

Some random points about the game:

Brad Watson is a donkey dick. What the fuck is wrong with him? No I am seriously asking. How can anyone really be that bad at their job and still be working? Can't they find a more competent official? How was Bertuzzi's goal not actually a goal, how was Ozzie not shoved into the net in Phoenix, and don't even get me started on the Hossa incident of 09. At this point, Gary might as well hire some trained monkeys to ref the games....they couldn't be any worse and they will at least be objective.

Bertuzzi actually played well. And yes a small part of my soul died while writing that...are you happy?

Lebda and Ericsson, sigh. I don't even know at this point. Lebda seems to think he is a forward and spends more time joining the rush than he does playing defense. And Ericsson, well where is the kid that stepped in and was clutch during last years playoffs? I would like him back please. I'll even ask nicely....pretty please? Maybe it's not really the 6'7'' beast of yesteryear, but instead some robot modeled after Brian Campbell.....if so where is Gary hiding Jonny?

Since McCrimmon seemed to struggle running the penalty kill, it appears as though Babcock has now assigned him to handle the power play. I am pretty sure the Wings could not score in a cheap whore house. Pathetic....far too much perimeter play.

I have never seen a team so capable of kicking their own asses. No really, they must be zen like masters when it comes to yoga because they continuously seem to be bend and twist and fuck things up to such a degree that they kick their own asses....masochists....

Oh and Jimmy Howard can suck it.

It is beginning to concern me that I expect the Wings to lose more than I expect them to win. Yes they lost offensive talent in the off season, yes they have a lot of new faces they need to bring together. But it is still an incredibly talented team. Their play of late is inexcusable and Babcock, Lidstrom, Zetterberg, and Holland better figure this shit out fast.

Friday, October 23, 2009

And this is why the seasons long...

Well that was fan fucking tastic.

No really it was. Wonderful. Me, personally, I enjoy getting financially ass raped for what I will admit where amazing seats, only to watch the Wings once again, play a lackadaisical game, with a complete lack of killer instinct.

I distinctly remember in the third period, during the last minute of the Wings powerplay, saying to those around me, they need to score here or we will once again watch them repeat the ridiculous pattern of losing after having the lead. Oh I was scoffed at...until it came true.

I had some thoughts I wanted to share regarding the game, but they seem a bit pointless now. The Wings, once again lost, on the road trip that was supposed to bring them together, you know all that kumbaya shit they spouted. Well it didn't seem to take place last night. Perhaps Lidstrom needs to organize some sort of trust game in the parking lot of the hotel. You know if you fall I will catch you and all that bull shit...something, because they certainly don't seem to be clicking on the ice.

Alright, despite my shitty attitude about the loss, during the first 2 periods it was nice to watch the Wings play live again. And I did have sick seats right next to their bench and the tunnel. It gave me a new perspective, watching the dynamics on the bench, line changes, bitch fests, the fact that Paul Boyer is fucking amazing and seems like the busiest person instead of providing you with in depth, insightful analysis, I'll share all the other stupid shit I noticed. That's right, the game still hurts so here we go with what I like to call pointless and strange observations:

During the pre game I noticed that much like the frat boy douche Mike Green, Todd Bertuzzi is rocking the faux hawk....well it wasn't exactly a faux hawk, it was longer, but really not a mohawk either. It was like during a drunken night a faux hawk and a mullet got together, did the dirty and that monstrosity was born..... I don't know, no matter what we choose to call it, he was too old to be sporting it.

While on the bench you could really see their personalities come out, Lebda ALWAYS has a shit eating grin...and I don't know why. It's like he knows something we don't. Like the jokes on all of us...he creeps me out.

Datsyuk laughs about everything, except for the one lovers quarrel he seemed to have with his bff. He totally pulled the bitch move of rolling his eyes and skating away. The only other thing he could have done to get his point across was to declare "whatever, talk to the hand because the face ain't listenin."

Leino always looks pissed the fuck off....always. I know his team pic makes him look like a serial killer, but he pretty much has that air about him all the time.

If one more half baked Coyotes fan yelled Dooooooooaaaaan, I was going to lose my freaking mind.

Speaking of Coyotes fans, during one of the Wings rushes (and I guess in their defense it was the flying circus) someone did yell "Gordon, the flying V!" Then he high fived all his buddies and spilled his beer on the guy in front of him.

I am pretty sure Maltby's vocabulary is limited to the word FUCK. Yes my respect level for him grew 46%. I swear to baby Jesus, that is the only word he seemed to utter to himself, his teammates, and the Coyotes...which may explain his "fight." Now where I was seated and where the wrestling match took place, it was hard to tell what was happening...I just know he ended up with a 4 minute roughing penalty for his troubles. That seems extreme for whatever was going on down there.

When Bertuzzi nearly took a puck in the face, it looks like he got his shoulder up just in time, I swear to you, the ref and the linesmen near by looked at each other and laughed...classic.

And finally, to me, Babcock always looked like he could be an intimidating guy especially when he's getting all competitive and shit. But during a commercial break, he took it to a new level when he essentially tore Zetterberg a new ass hole.....I don't know, he seems to enjoy bitching at Zetterberg this season...

I have ton of pictures to post and will do so later this afternoon after the whole work thing is completed.

Let me just end by saying that sitting where I was, watching them live, I was much more calm than I usually am. They seemed to have it under control (despite the fact that they did look like an average team). When Lidstrom stepped on the ice the confidence level for the whole team seemed to increase, they still had that Red Wings air about them. But maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe they need to get back to the basics and get back to working hard and earning every minute, every point. Something has to change.

More thoughts and pictures soon.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Wings are in Phoenix

Tomorrows the day....The Wings are in town...Finally. I haven't seen a live Wings game since last winter, and I am long overdue for my hockey fix.

But apparently now the Coyotes have decided to become competitive. Yep, wait for it....

The Phoenix Coyotes are 5-2-0.

Yeah no really they are. I know I know, if you would have told me that 2 months ago I would have believed it about as much as any of the following scenarios:

Sidney Crosby is actually capable of growing a beard...and no not the pube stash he generally rocks

Patrick Kane grows a set of balls and can stand up for himself on the ice and not just at 2am to a cab driver while"allegedly" drunk

The Maple Leafs are competitive

Gary Bettman is no longer a complete douche who in his spare time watches old games where the Wings lose while simultaneously doing jazzercise in hot pants to a Chaka Kahn cassette tape. If you need a visual think of Richard Simmons

Malkin learns to breathe through his nose

Pronger learns to read words greater than 2 syllables

Don Cherry finally admits that European players actually contribute to the NHL

Lebda does not cause me to break any household objects for an entire season

Mike Green learns to play defense, or at least doesn't blame his stick or gloves for his short comings

Anywho, moving on, tomorrow the Wings will meet a surprisingly strong Coyotes team with a hot goalie. Oh and of course this bastard that the guys from the Triple Deke enjoy bringing up. They are either harboring a not so secret mancrush or really just like the subtle cinematography of that youtube clip....I'm going to go with the later.

As I said, I will be at the game tomorrow, and will hopefully get some relatively decent pictures...but I will be at Margaritaville before, so no promises of how my photography skills will hold up....

I just hope Datsyuk will actually play so it doesn't seem as odd when I rock my Dangle Dangle tshirt....yep that's right, one perk of living in this hockey hotbed is sitting outside in 80 something degree weather before you go to a hockey game. Alright, enough being a bragging bitch.

I'll be back tomorrow night, hopefully after a decisive Red Wings win. Go Wings.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's that time of year

It's only Tuesday....and Thursday seems really far away. So what better way to pass the time than with a pointless, useless, and somewhat offensive post. With Halloween right around the corner I have been thinking hard about what my costume will be this year.....and in the process I ran across some options for our favorite Wings players.

Well here we go.

Abdelkader- I'm going to start off with one of my more lame choices. Sticking with his Michigan State nickname of Gator, I immediately and very creatively decided he should be an alligator....and then ultimately decided on a Ninja turtle, because while not a gator, it is a reptile and is a hell of a lot more entertaining to see a 6 foot something grown male in a ninja turtle costume. Now the real decision comes into play, is he Rafael or Leonardo???
Howard- While watching Howard make a complete fuck face of himself in Sweden, a non hockey friend of mine (yes I classify all friends as hockey friends or non hockey friends...shut it) continuously asked "where's Howard." Which progressed to "Where the FUCK is that Fucking Howard." I agreed he did seem to often be out of position but her anger and disgust with him was so severe she nearly made a shirt with that slogan....anywho, as a result of that ridiculously pointless exchange, the costume for Jimmy, Where's Waldo.

Leino- I don't know, something about him just makes me think that one wrong look and he could steal your know what I mean. So for that reason, and that reason alone, I envision him as some sort of menacing vampire....but certainly not the Twilight vampire...more night of the Living Dead, wait those were zombies, oh fuck it you know where I'm going with this.

Draper- Draper is that guy that always seems to be so full of energy and so fucking cheery, All. The. Time. He totally seems like the kind of guy who despite knowing his friend/teammate/kid/Pet is not a morning person, he would be all up in their face at 6am when all they want to do is eat their cheerios in silent while cursing the world for forcing them to be up at that time. With that said, the perfect costume for Draper is the Male Spartan Cheerleader from Saturday Night Live.

Fraznen- Yes this may be a little lame as well, but due to his various nicknames and his overall appearance, he has to be Frankenstein.

Homer- Now this was a tough one. There are so many great costumes for Homer. He could be Kenny from Southpark because only his closest friends seem to understand what the fuck he is saying. I also totally seem him as a Fred Flintstone type. But I settled on the McDonald's Hamburglar. Oh that's right. He seems like the sneaky bastard who would eat all your fries and take a bite of your greasy, slimy burger while you are in the bathroom. Then he'd deny doing it while he is ripping some wicked slider farts.....oh yes disgusting but you know he would
Zetterberg and Datsyuk- Of course the Eurotwins need to have a couples costume so I decided on Mario and Luigi. Each has it's own strengths, you can't pick a favorite (at least I can't) and they really seem to work best together. Could Datsyuk grow the necessary mustache is the only remaining question.
Meech- Since every time he plays his only contribution seems to be the giant steamer he leaves on the ice, his perfect costume would be a whoopy me it is much nicer than my initial thought
May- I've heard him referred to as a fly swatter, Babcock has specifically laid out his role as an enforcer, and since the typically violent costumes seemed like a cliche choice, I think a better option could be the classic, yet always entertaining ghost buster ensemble.

Rafalski- Now this may come off as mean, and that wasn't my intention. But it is a necessary costume for any group , and with Hudler off building snowmen in Siberia for the next two years, and thanks to his height, he became the go to choice. So without further ado, the perfect, or necessary costume for Rafalski would be a teletubby.....Now I know the teletubbies are creepy little fuckers that only come out in your worst nightmares, but a teletubby costume can also be a good laugh and can inflict a little torture on the poor bastard forced to wear it.
Lebda- I don't know why but for some reason he seems like an overgrown cliche frat boy. I'm not meaning to insult any past or current fraternity brothers, but Lebda has that Animal House, smells like smoke and Popov in middle of the afternoon look about him. He may yell Toga Toga Toga at any time. So with that said, I award him the cliche college boy costume....a fact a Flavor Flav style pimp. Go big of go home.

Filppula- Yeah with those flowing locks and sun in highlights.....not being Goldilocks would be a sin against nature, against Finland. Oh that's right, the Goldilocks costume is his calling.

And finally,

Helm- Ah yes he's fast, he's tenacious, and like Homer, there are many costume options. Oh there's the obvious, the energizer bunny, speed racer, or a giant ridalin pill...but I prefer something a bit more humorous, the Talladaga Nights, Ricky Bobby costume. The speed reference is there along with a little hillbilly action which makes any costume 62% better. Don't ask, that percentage came from a complicated calculus equation created after drinking copious amounts of tequilla. It is legit and shit.

And there you have it. I apologize if your IQ has been negatively affected after reading that crap. But either way, perhaps you found your perfect costume, so it's a win overall.

Monday, October 19, 2009

That's what she said.....

So "The Office" is one of my favorite television shows, go figure. And since I have the attention span and sense of humor of an adolescent teen boy, my favorite parts usually revolve around Michael's "that's what she said jokes." Yes please ridicule and judge all you want. So last game as I was watching the Wings/Avalanche clusterfuck, I noticed there were a lot of moments where that wonderfully mature phrase could be applied. Since news is slow today, here are my favorite "That's what she said" moments. Including many Mickey classics, well because look at the name of the blog.....

"He really got it down deep"

"Like a lumberjack fighting for the last pork chop"

"It's a shooting gallery down there."

"He got beat like a rented mule."

"The lumber is flyin"

"You have to drive hard to score."

"He is all over that."

"It's really the year he needs to score more."

"He really likes to get in there and bang around."

"That kid has more moves than a monkey on a highwire."

That's what she said.

Yes I understand this is a pathetic it Thursday yet???? *Sigh*

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Mental Breakdown

What can I possibly say about that game. They played two phenomenal periods. The best hockey I have seen in quite some time. I actually said to the people watching with me, this is the first real Red Wings game I have seen all season. Honestly. They dominated play. They were quick through the neutral zone, they drove the net, they killed some fucking penalties, everyone backchecked......well until the third period anyway. Then they had some sort of mental breakdown....

Here are a few random notes from the game....not that it actually matters I suppose:

Leino has turned out to be a surprisingly gritty player. He fights for the puck along the boards and in front of the net. Now if only he would stop hesitating and shoot the puck quicker...

Helm and Abdelkader have quite a chemistry on the ice and worked really well together during the first goal.

Kronwall had a nice hit on Quincey....sure he wasn't Kronwalled, but that kid fucking bitches about everything I can only imagine the crying that would have taken place had Kronwall really gotten a piece of him.

In my novice opinion, May won his fight with McLeod....however McLeod won overall with a two goal game

This was one of the first games where I did not yell something profane and inappropriate at Brett Lebda...

And then well, the prolific mental collapse takes place. Pathetic. They need to find some way to stop blowing leads. To put together a full 60 minute effort. If I had a dollar or a shot for every time I wrote "a full 60 minute effort," I would be either incredibly rich or piss drunk....

Both George at Snapshots and Matt at On the Wings make a strong argument that this road trip may be exactly what the team needs. There are many new, and some young faces, on the team and this may be a chance for them to bond. To braid hair, have pillow fights, play light as a feather stiff as a board, learn the magical secrets that Filppula's hair contains, begin to finally understand what the fuck Homer is saying, and really just bond as a team. Form their own identity. It isn't something that they have had to do as a team in quite some time....and they better do it fast.

Next game is Thursday. This gives Babcock and the team a chance to figure out what the fuck is going on, it gives Datsyuk's sprained shoulder a chance to heal, and it gives them the opportunity to prepare for a surprisingly competitive Phoenix team. Oh that's right, what keeps me going during these dark, challenging Red Wings days...knowing that I will FINALLY get to see them play live again...can't wait.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

One, Two, Th.....

Ready, one, two, three, VOMIT, then scream MULLIGAN. Do over, do over. I'm not even complaining about the Wings play here, despite the nervous feeling deep in the pit of my stomach only calmed my massive amounts of alcohol, I believe the Wings will work it out. They still have a number of new faces they need to integrate which is not a task well known to the Red Wings. It will take time.

So why do I want to start the season over?? All the freakin injuries. Franzen, and now Datsyuk. Datsyuk is out tonight and someone much smarter than me, Matt at On The Wings has all the information and wonders if Dangle Dangle may be hurt worse than the Wings are letting on. I can't think it, it's only 10:30 here and there is too much left in my work day. Either way tonight should be an interesting game against the Kings. Animal Drew has a positive take on the situation. And for that I thank him. His take is not completely full of unicorns with rainbows and sunshine shooting out of their asses, but it is logical and will bring some level of comfort.

In other exciting news, Babcock has taken it upon himself to call out Zetterberg. I have mixed feelings on this. Zetterberg has been fairly absent all season and if it is because of an injury than Mikey delivered a low kick to the balls. If Zetterberg is in fact fine, than maybe this is exactly what he needed. Most would think it irrational and a little insane to call out an injured leader of your team, but remember this is Babcock, a little Babcockian ass kicking has been known to get out of hand....what's that safe word again?

Either way, the Chief is not a fan of the move. I guess we will see how it shakes out tonight. Maltby and Draper are back in...oh and Lebda too so, so yeah there you go.

I'm nervous, but I'm trying to remember, this is the Red Wings....this Holland, and Babcock, and Lidstrom, and yes Zetterberg too. It's a team with pride. They'll work it out. Until then I will be in fine early season form, worrying and stressing while still displaying a tacky level of confidence.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

It's only just begun

I hate when people do this. I hate when you're out on the golf course and it's getting competitive, you've had a few bad shots, they've had a few bad shots, and suddenly your friend or when your in the heat of the battle, that motherfucker, decides to call a mulligan. I immediately think you mother......lame, weak, pathetic....

Well fine call me all those things, but can we please have a do over for this season? Can we call that one mulligan? Just start over. Take another stab at the games in Sweden and never ever let Johan Franzen play against Chicago in October. That and like the poor guy at the bar with the really bad drunk goggles who wakes up next to the girl that smells like cabbage and bacon...yeah it would be nice to pretend like last night didn't happen.

Not only did the Wings get spanked worse than the new guy in jail, Datsyuk received an upper body injury for his troubles and Kronwall sustained a lower body injury. Seriously guys. Seriously. All Bettman has to do for masturbation material now is read the Wings press clippings....

Babcock of course thinks they'll be fiiiiiiine. But I can't get my hopes up. If Kronwall can't play that means both Meech and Lebda will be in. Might as well bend over now.

I don't even want to speculate on Dastyuk. I just hope he is ok to play and he and Zetterberg finally regain their Eurotwin greatness...During the Washington game Datsyuk showed why he is the reining Selke winner, he just needs to be in top form more often. 1 out of 5 just won't cut it.

Tomorrow night the Wings have a chance for redemption. They play the Kings. If time permits and work stops kicking my ass, I will have a pregame write up. If not, I'll just cross my fingers and toes that the Wings from last Saturday show up...

Until then, I still propose we act like my friend did the other night when I was demoralizing him during a game of NHL 10, unplug the xbox and start the season over??

Vomit, Then Eat It

Yeah I really am going label my post that. Because last night was disgusting. I don't even know what to say at this point. I feel in some regards that last year is replaying itself. Why you ask...oh you remember last years consecutive games with the Wings losing 8-0 and 8-1....this year, despite having less offense, should we be relieved they only lost 6-2? Oh fuck it, it's too hard to find positives...

Each game I usually write some notes so I can post a recap and dazzle you, and by you I mean the 5 readers who for whatever reason keep coming back, with my witty thoughts and comments. Ha that was misleading...but I do generally say something slightly inappropriate or completely off the wall that will disturb/offend some people, so I feel like my mission is usually accomplished.

Last night here were my notes with no modifications:

Wings starting off really slow

Still having a shitty first period

Oh fuck we're on the P...

Oh fuck they scored....Williams you bastard I just wrote something halfway decent about you

Alright still being completely dominated

Wings on the PP

Filppula scores again...can another line actually score a fucking goal

Intermission. Keith Jones with this gem "Heatly will score 70 goals this year" Please vomit now

2-1 Buffalo

3-1 Buffalo

4-1 Buffalo

5-1 Buffalo

Fuck My Life

6-1 Buffalo

6-2 Buffalo

Why the fuck is Zetterberg celebrating like he's never done that before...oh that's right it was his first goal of the season.

And scene. That's it. All I had to write. What more could I say without rocking back and forth in the fetal position dreading the doom and gloom I would be reading about the Red Wings all today.

To add a little positivity to the world, I'm trying here, Jimmy Howard only let in one goal and didn't make me want to beat him over the head with a hockey stick, so that was delightful.....

Alright no more. I can't talk about the shitfest that took place last night. It is far too painful.

Let's move on to a bit of a lighter topic.

Yesterday Snapshots posted a youtube video of one Matt Stafford and his lessons/experiences with Octopussy etiquette. Now Matt had also emailed me his videos and since he is clearly as deranged as myself and I am sure many readers here, I was left not only laughing but with some additional questions. Matt was kind enough to humor me and sent me his answers all the way from London, England...

First watch the video. I am posting the long version because well you should watch it. Nothing I can say could do it justice, so sit back and enjoy!

Yep he really did it. Did you vomit, and if you did, would you eat it?

It left me with more questions than answers when it came to the Octopussy so here is what Matt had to say.

How did you learn the proper etiquette was to eat the Octopussy after the loss?

Like most oral traditions, certain elements of the Octoquette established by the Cusimano Brothers back in the early 50s has slowly faded from the public conscience over time.
It took me hundreds of seconds of online research to rediscover a few lost rules. Post-loss consumption just happened to be one of them.

It took me hundreds of seconds of online research to rediscover a few lost rules. Post-loss consumption just happened to be one of them.

Could you have shared some of it with a willing friend?

Technically yes, but unfortunately I was with a crotchety Brit. This was the first hockey game he'd ever been to and he kept complaining, "I can't see the bloody puck". I've since given him youtube links to Wings games from the 90s featuring FoxTrax technology.

Since the Wings won the game after you ate the octopussy, should you continue with the tradition?

After last night's dismal 6-2 loss to the sabres I may have to up the ante to have the same positive effects. Perhaps I'll take on a narwhal calf--the corndog of the sea.

Any overall thoughts/insight for potential octopussy throwers?

If you're plotting to throw onto enemy ice, be sure you get the octopus before you get to the foreign city. The only thing worse than rushing around, trying to find an octopus vendor on game day is having to choke it down after a Wings' loss.
Also, don't make plans to get laid later that night. Your groin will smell like a dumpster behind Red Lobster for at least 48 hours.

I think he deserves a round of applause for his dedication to the Wing Wheel. Not many people would walk around Sweden with a mouth and crotch smelling of baby octopuss, vomit, and octopuss again that's some serious commitment.

Thanks for your insight and disturbing video Matt.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

He's back

Yep. Per Ansar Khan, Darren "the kill" Helm will make his season debut tonight. I'm going to be honest, this could not have come soon enough. While I have not been disappointed with the 4th line, I think he will add an additional element of speed, grit, physicality, and superb backchecking. Below are how the lines should shake out:


Lebda (scratched)

Osgood (starting)

Pretty excited to see Eaves on the same line as Helm. With their speed they should be a challenge to contain. The addition of Helm allows the Wings to roll 4 effective lines on a nightly basis.

However, it will be interesting to see if Helm is moved up to the third line after a few games worth of conditioning. Either way, despite the Franzen blow, and all the off season fuckery, you have to be very pleased with those lines.

Side note: I am sure Animal Drew will be pretty fricken excited about this development.

October 22

Well this post is pointless but I was ridiculously excited about it so I thought I would share.

Finally got my tickets for the Wings game against the Coyotes. Definitely the best seats I have ever had for a Red Wings game, ever. Third row from the glass right next to the Wings bench.

Can't wait for the 22nd.

Monday, October 12, 2009

A game wrap-up and a preview in one

Ahhh yes I'm a multi-tasker attempting to utilize the most of my time so here we go with a post game and a preview in one. I'm all modern and shit like that.

Let's begin with the Wing's grind it out desperation win against the offensive powerhouse that is the Washington Capitals.

After the kick to the scrotum that is the Franzen injury, I had less than warm fuzzy feelings going into Saturday's game. In fact, I'll admit it, I was nervous. Take away another 30 goals from the Wings (yes I kicked my own ass for being the 800th person to write that) and put them up against well basically the top 3 scorers currently in the league and I was nervous.

But then, just as I sat down with a stiff drink, bracing myself for the worst, a little special treat from baby Jesus floated across the screen....Mike Green, yes I knew things would be ok. That douche supreme, with the pathetically dated fauxhawk, and an ego larger than his double chins was in fine form on Saturday. Taking a perfectly timed penalty *snicker *snicker, his Norris Trophy nominated, elite defensive skills, allowed fucking Homer of all people to get the tying goal in the first. I still don't get the obsession with this kid. What was his excuse this time, sticks, gloves, the inability to stop looking at his reflection in the glass...who knows. But I will say, calling him a Norris Trophy nominee is like saying Britney Spears is an Oscar Nominated actress, it just shows the sad state of things.

But anyway, moving on from my Mike Green bitching, the Wings had a slow start and certainly didn't dominate in the first period. Ozzie let in a softy 4 minutes into the first, but as if he flipped a switch he came back strong for the rest of the game. It seems that the pk improved a bit and I think a large part of that had to do with Osgood.

After the first, the Wings seemed to settle down and control the tempo of the game. I think it was their best game so far. It was a relief to see their puck possession style coming back.

A few other random thoughts:

I can't have a game recap without mentioning the reunion of the Eurotwins. It's like those two never stopped playing together. The chemistry was back and despite my initial reservations about Bertuzzi being on the top line, he seems to be adjusting well to their style of play. There that's it, despite his improved play, he still had 3 giveaways and I don't want to let my guard down about him yet. Because let's be honest, anyone looks better when they play with those two.

Jason Williamson has not made me throw my dog at the tv yet....I know I know. Knock on wood, rub a lucky rabbits foot, but he has not extremely pissed me off. And gasp, I've really like what I've seen of him on the point on the power play. He's been, dare I say, consistent???? And the perfectly placed shot on his goal against the Caps made me once again say au revior Samulesson.

Leino showed some grit last game. Scoring his first garbage goal for the Wings. He worked hard in front of the net, took the punishment, and scored a goal. I've been impressed with Leino so far, and he will need to continue to improve his game to make up for the absence of Franzen.

As strange as it was for Leino to score a goal in front of the net, it was even more strange for Homer to score on a slap shot....well his own slap shot anyway. Yes it may have been his farthest goal in quite some time. This really is a fucked up season....

Filppula has stepped his game up when necessary. He seems to gel well with his fellow countryman and perhaps most surprising, he has really brought a physical aspect to his game. In particular the hit on Ovechkin stands out. Everyone knows Ovechkin is not just a skill player, but is pretty damn physical as well. It was nice to watch him go in for a hit on Fil, Filppula stands up and Ovie takes the worst of it.

Which really leads to the entire theme of the night, Ovechkin who??

Despite having one assist the Wings really made him a non factor. And the credit for most of that can go back to Datsyuk. Of course Babcock liked to match Dangle Dangle's line against Ovechkin and Semin and Datsyuks superb two way play and amazing backchecking really stopped any momentum Ovechkin tried to build. Well that and the amazing desperate toe save by Ozzie late in the third to save the game. All the hype about the great 8 was soon drowned out with the Wings, disciplined, patient, defensive style of play.

My choice for star of the game, Pavel Datsyuk. Clearly making a case for another Selke nomination he was spectacular at both ends of the ice. My favorite moment was watching him backcheck to break up an Ovechkin/Semin odd man rush. When your leaders are the hardest working players on the means something. Just ask the Sharks who lost to the Coyotes tonight. Sorry just had to add that. Watching them be dominated by the Coyotes was a satisfying feeling. If the Coyotes could just find a way to score, that game would not have gone to a shoot out.

But I digress, no more digs at the Sharks. Back to the Wings and their grind it out, hardworking, win against the Caps. I see this as a consistent theme throughout the season. Close games, one goal games, and back to the basics. The Franzen injury hurts and this season certainly won't be easy. But it will force the Wings to buckle down, improve their defensive play, the pk, and goaltending will once again be key. It should put them into a much better position in the long run.

Now onto the preview. I don't have much to say about the Sabres. They do seem to be an improved team this season. Some offensive firepower that the Wings will certainly need to control. Thomas Vanek and Drew Stafford will need to be watched and contained.
Despite the Sabres previously pathetic reputation, the Wings will not have the luxury of taking games "off" this season, and they know it. Continued improvement on the pk and in their defensive play will be a must and a key not just this game but throughout the entire season.
Apparently Helm is ready to play but Babcock is not sure if he will be playing....don't know what the hell that means. I'm ready to see him back in the line up, doesn't that mean anything?
Ozzie starts tomorrow which means Howard will probably be in net on Thursday against the Kings. So yeah, enjoy one more night without Howard.
Ok, so I promised a preview and that was well, rather pathetic, but it's getting late. Hope to be back tomorrow afternoon with some more notes.

Friday, October 9, 2009

No No No....

Fuck. Words can't even begin to describe how royally shitty this is.
My sister calls me to chat, I'm at work just minding my own business, waiting for the weekend, thinking about all the generally debauchery to take place tonight, when she asks, "Did you hear the news, did you see Snapshots?"

I reply all sweet and innocently, because that's me of course, "no I didn't is Ericsson hurt? Will he be out long?" While the word vomit is pouring out of my mouth I begin to shake and have chills thinking about the possibilities of a Lebda/Meech third pairing. And then she hits me with it, like being run over by a dump truck full of shit (yeah don't ask...) I could smell it coming but it still shocked me and really knocked the wind out of me...

"Franzens out, 4 months, torn ACL." 6 little words that will fucking change the course of this season....

I have other thoughts but they're irrational, jumbled, mostly incoherent, and for some reason are still filled with a vast amount of Jimmy Howard bashing, so I'm just going to wait and take it all in and try to figure out who the fuck pissed in the hockey gods cereal.....
We will just have to get used to not seeing this celebration for another 4 months.......Fuck.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Whew. The Wings finally get their first win of the season and I finally have time to sit down and get back to blogging. I've been on a bit of a hiatus recently, but it's mid October, hockey season is in full swing and I'm back....

And apparently so are the Red Wings, finally winning their first game of the season. I can't remember where I read it, but this season is the first time in 20 years that the Wings lost their first two games. Yeah who knows what the fuck that means, good, bad, indifferent..I don't know ask me in March, all I know is it's good to have hockey back. And that first game at the Joe, well it was won in traditional Red Wings style....what, you don't agree?

Well lets look at the facts....

Kris Draper scored a goal....and it wasn't a total fluke or complete garbage goal

A Red Wing player got in a fight, and of course he walked away without breaking his face and with the W.

The Wings once again demonstrated how no team in the league can rival their European dump and chase style of play

Their goalie was phenomenal AND the difference maker

They killed an almost full two minute 5 on 3.

The Wings were outshot by their opponents

Yeah it was a bizarre game. You might as well have said Howard had a shut out and Bertuzzi scored a hot trick after Zetterberg beat up Campbell and Maltby scored a short handed goal...oh wait that has happend already this season...They certainly are keeping it interesting.

Ok that seems bitchy and it wasn't my intention. I'm glad that Detroit was able to shake off any jet leg and the 'rough' games in Sweden to come away with a win, but they still don't seem to be the Wings of the past few years. They're playing tight, a bit overly cautious, and for most of the game they are not controlling the tempo.

My hope is that with time, the new lines will gel, Dangle Dangle will be able to break his scoring draught, and Jimmy Howard learns how to be an NHL goalie.

Other random thoughts from the game:

Kronwall was phenomenal. In my opinion a star of the game. From his hits to his shot blocking, a great night for Nik Jr.

Ozzie. Ozzie. Yeah enough said.

Sharp found another way to kick Lidstrom and the whole team in the balls by scoring in the first two minutes of the second. No reports of damaged testicles however.

Ericsson is 2 for 3 in games with an ankle injury....however Babcock declared he is perfectly fine...yeah I feel like I've heard that before.

Lidstrom scored his 998 career point

And Mickey Redmond of course had the line of the night "Wow. Kopecky with two shots already. That's more than he had in a week and a half in Detroit." Yeah Chicago, you can have him.