Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Little Pimp Swagger

So I'm a little late to the H2H party.....well I guess more than a little late, I'm beyond fashionably late with my recap. Perhaps you could even say I'm Tardy for the Party. With that being said, there's probably not much more I could add that hasn't already been written by much more talented people. It was an awesome event perfectly planned by some really great people. My little sister came to H2H with me. She is currently finishing up her student teaching and preparing to enter that bitch that is the real world. When she mentioned to her students that she was going to a gathering to meet some people from the Internet, those sweet little kids immediately told her to be careful. Apparently to them, anyone on the Internet is a serial killer or dog raper. But luckily everyone who attended turned out to be just as cool as I suspected. The only possible folks in danger were perhaps Helm (Herm managed to avoid staring at his ass despite the fact that every male blogger seemed to check out Herms derriere) and maybe Bertuzzi. I half suspected to see a news clip of Petrella popping out in the lockerroom in his pink shirtuzzi and grabbing onto his idol Todd's leg like a dog in heat. But alas everyone was extreme awesome and dare I say well behaved.

It was a great time. Fun to put faces with names. I'm pretty sure no one looked like what I expected, and since I lack social decorum, I had no problem walking around and grabbing name tags to find out who you were. I mean seriously, who knew that Chollis had a beard that would rival Zetterbergs, or that Matt Saler had some intensely awesome side burns? And no Penguins fans, despite what you think VooX doesn't always have to carry around his Sidney Crosby voodoo doll.

Great time and I cannot wait for next year.

Now on to last nights game.

What the hell was that? I'll admit, I walked over to my couch with a little swagger, fully expecting this Red Wings team to win. Sure the Oilers have beat the Wings 3 other times this year and always managed to score first. And yes, yes I'm aware that there was that whole unfortunate 6- something game earlier this season. But I had a level of confidence I haven't experienced earlier this season. And it felt good.

So while sitting there watching the game at the ungodly early hour of 4:30 (fuck you day lights savings time) the Wings came out and looked poised and controlled. I relaxed a bit, leaned back in my seat, and my dog wasn't even pacing around the room nervously. She even had a little bit of a pimp walk going on.

And Lilja or Flippula, or someone scored to give the Wings a 1-0 lead. Now as I said before, the Wings have not scored first against the Oilers all season. To me it was an omen. A sign. And also incredibly entertaining to watch Lilja search his jersey for a puck mark in hopes that the goal was his.

Soon after, Kronwall scores. I'm pretty sure that Swedish bastard fancies himself some sort of forward now. First his game winning shoot out goal, then this. Fantastic. After some bumps following the Olympic break, Kronwall has once again resumed his sound defensive play and apparently his offensive swagger. (Damn, I'm noticing a bit of a theme here)

Following Kronwalls goal, my favorite Miller (as long as it's not the Olympics.) Scores giving the Wings a 3-0 lead. Miller has played really well the last few games and you could tell he was due.

On a side note, I love Jimmy Johns. I remember MANY 3am trips to grab one of those delicious subs that taste even better when you're drunk. But their new commercials really piss me off. As a marketing and advertising major they make me want to drill a pencil through my eye. Just when you think you've seen the worst one, a new one comes out.

Anywho, at this point in the game the Wings are still dominating. Franzen and Zetterberg took turns missing open nets while Bertuzzi was spinning around like it was the god damn ice capades and Will Ferrell was his new ice dance partner. Seriously, at points in the night all he was missing was that pink shirtuzzi and a pair of leopard print tights....yes please visualize that for a moment.

While the Oilers were still distracted by the beauty and grace that is Todd Bertuzzi, Franzen scored. And let me just say, I love his celebrations. Love them. He skates around like "what, I'm fucking Johan Franzen. This is no big deal." All the while smiling and attempting to make all his teeth fit in his mouth. Awesome. Most hockey players look like, well they look like Todd Bertuzzi, but not the Mule. He has more teeth and he or baby Jesus know what to do with.

Soon after, the Oilers score on the PP. Let me explain. They score 4 seconds into the powerplay. This is the Wings PK that had killed 63 of the last 67 penalties, and then that happened. I had a weird feeling it was only going to get worse before it go better. That swagger, well it was slipping away faster than Colin Campbells dignity.

To make matters worse, Hillary Duff's, spankin new fiance decided to score and put the Oilers within two. I always hated Lizzie McGuire. Bitch.

At this point the Wings had stopped skating. Just as I did, they probably felt they won the game. It was scary, but they almost looked like the Wings of yesteryear. They were dominating, became bored, sat back, and then had to fight to win. Ummm please no more of that mmmmmkaaay.

On another side note, anyone think the Wings have screwed up poor Derek Meech? Anyone, anyone? He's actually looked half way decent in the forward position. Dare I say he may even feel pretty comfortable in that spot?

Moving on, late in the third, Howard makes a big stop, but lack of defensive coverage and his inability to cover the ENTIRE net at once leads to the Oilers 4th goal. Tied game bitches. I was nervous, I wanted those 2 points badly.

But at least the Wings seemed to want those points as well. They once again started skating and began dominating play. Which leads to the goal that may not have been. Stuart, yes the defensemen Brad Stuart tips the puck in. Now the question is, was it a high stick or not. I was distracted at this point by an unexpected visitor, but when I got back to the TV, there was a debate taking place between Ken, Murph, and Mickey. Murph and Ken asked Mickey to jump onto their drunken bandwagon and agree that it was a good goal. Mickey strangely enough wasn't so sure. We were forced to watch over and over again a million different views just hoping it would count.

And guess what boys and girls it did. Wings win 5-4. Now please don't do that shit to me again. This season has forced me to age 60 years and I now have the heart of a 85 year old drinker...I can't take much more.

Be sure to check out THIS today. Well words quite frankly can't describe it.

Oh and THIS is probably making Pinky cry in his apple jacks. Sorry.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

That's our goalie

I've been horribly busy lately with work, blah blah, and now trying to get ready to take a day off for the event of all events, H2H, has proven to be quite a challenge. However, it hasn't stopped me from watching the games. The 3 buzzer beaters have forced me to take up yoga and attempt to calm my nerves throughout the day. Nameste. But last night, well last night was simply a good old fashion ass kicking, in more ways than one.

I'm pretty sure Larry Murphy isn't permitted to do lengthy interviews with the players. Holland and Babcock are probably concerned with some sort of second hand drunkenness taking place. As a result, they shove him between the benches and limit all conversations to 20 seconds or less. Yet somehow last night, that shifty little bastard became all stealth and out of pure motivation to be in the presence of young James escaped his confines and conducted his first, and last "full length" interview with the protector of Zetterberg.

Larry: Hey yo, Jimmah, you gotta minute.

Jimmy: Under his breath, awe fuck. Sure Murph, of course I do.

Larry: stumbles, drops his microphone, rips his pants, possibly farts, but stands up with composure to start his interview like the true journalistic professional he is. Ron Burgundy is his hero.

Larry: Hell of a game there tonight Jimmah. Great effort. And to think, a few months ago no one expected you to excel at anything other than highlighting Fils hair and organizing Homer's doll, I mean action figure collection.

Jimmy: ummm thanks Murph.

Larry: Obviously this was a big game. Awkwardly and drunkenly shoves the microphone in James' face.

Jimmy: Yeah they're a good team and we were down a few guys, so it was great to go out there....

Larry: Alright enough with this pleasantry bull shit, let's cut to the meat and potatoes. Holy fuck, what was going through your head when you face washed Sidney Crosby?

Jimmy: You know quite frankly I've had enough of that little chicken shits whining and general cunt like behavior. Every time he's held scoreless or in this case enjoys a minus 2 for the night, the diving and whining to the refs comes quicker than a kid on prom night. It gets frustrating watching the bull shit year after year.

Larry: ah Jimmah, on a side note, I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language, this is going on TV, or at least you tube. Please cut down on the references to whining and diving. For fucks sake we don't need to piss off the FCC, you know what I mean?

Jimmy: Seriously, can I go now?

Larry: Well Jimmah as a Calder Trophy candidate, aren't you afraid that your recent behavior and potential physical assault of the leagues golden boy will cause you to lose your invitation to Gary's all boy pool party? I heard it's a pretty swinging time, with the snazziest guys in the league all attending. You'd miss out on spending the afternoon with the likes of Crosby, Malkin, Getzlaf, Green, and even Corey Perry? Are you prepared for the consequences of your actions?

Jimmy: Exasperated and frustrated. Honestly Larry, after seeing him repeatedly cross check Zetterberg in the back, in the head, with no repercussions I had enough. I was concerned about two things, 1. that he would damage Z's perfectly manicured beard, and 2. that he would attempt to punch me in the balls like the little bitch that he is. Thankfully both the beard and the balls made it out ok.

Larry: You and hockey Jesus had a few words after the face wash/punch, what did he say to you?

Jimmy: I can't fully remember, but something along the lines of calling me a doodoo head and threatening to tell Uncle Gary.

Larry: Are you concerned the league will now be out to get you.

Jimmy: First of all, I don't even want to consider the fact that "Uncle Gary" is actually Gary Bettman. How they would have come to that close of a creepy relationship is something I don't want to lose sleep over. As far as fall out from the league, Larry I play for the mother fucking Red Wings. Homer can interfere with the goalie at center ice and a quick whistle means only one composite stick is broken over my head. I don't fucking care about Gary and his team of dick sucking minions. I have to concentrate on helping getting this team in the playoffs. Now can I go please.

Larry: Curled up comfortably in the fetal position fast asleep.

Jimmy: that's 2 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Henrik Zetterberg to Everyone "Fuck Off."

Well for fucks sake, this is a Thursday I can get on board with. Saying that the Wings win against the Wild was decisive is like saying that Colin Campbell is a fucking idiot. Yep, it was that obvious. Fantastic team effort. Fantastic 60 minute effort. I almost forgot what that fucking felt like.

Now in the past, I would normally jump up and down like Michael Scott on a sugar high proclaiming this game, this very game, as a turning point in the Wings season. And yes I would normally do that with only 15 games remaining. But in keeping with my new zen, calm, attitude, I will chose to suppress my inner Scott, and simply repeat my previous mantra. This was a game, the Wings won, they were awarded the 2 points. And as an FYI, inside I'm having a full blown party with pin the tail on Gary and a Chris Pronger dart board. Shut up, I realize that sounds weird.

Anywho, moving on, below are my mellow, refined, and yet incoherent thoughts about the game.
  • First and foremost, so happy that the NHL Network had the FSD feed. Sure we had their terrible pregame and intermission reports. And sure I had to endure those awful commercials with closeups of hockey players sweating more than Ken Hitchcock on a treadmill, but Mickey and a drunk Murph, totally worth it.
  • Well that and we were able to see Datsyuk's goal of the week again. I have to say, his goofy weird double fist pump (the Situation is pissed he didn't think of that first) celebration was probably the best part.
  • From the puck drop the Wings looked poised and guess what, they executed a little puck possession.
  • The first goal was from, wait for it, wait for it, the Datsyuk line. That shift was all sorts of amazing. I actually felt the need to double check and see if they were on the powerplay. Their puck movement was that good. After some good hustle from Homer in the corner, Franzen has a great shot and scores. Damn, I missed him.
  • I noticed Bertuzzi twice tonight. Once when he over skated the puck and also when he took a penalty. Well done. Totally worth the salary.
  • May I just say welcome back Lilja. Golf claps, finger snaps and an amen. 2 years ago, I never thought I would miss him so much.
  • With that said, he did take a tripping penalty in the first and Koivu nearly scored. I certainly hope Jimmy made love to that goal post after the game. Show a little gratitude James.
  • Darren Helm draws another penalty soon after negating the Lilja tripping nonsense. Does anyone have any stats on how many penalties Helm has drawn? Unbelievable.
  • You know things were really clicking when Homer scores a goal from the point. I can't remember ever seeing him score from that far out. I'm pretty sure the refs looked around wondering how they could call goaltender interference.
  • About 56 seconds later, HENRIK ZETTERBERG SCORES. On a random, unexpected line combo, Eaves works hard behind the net and gets the puck to a wide open, and I mean wider than a 1990's Pamela Anderson for Zetterberg's 19th goal of the season. Exactly what he needed.
  • Zetterberg and Eaves both had great games. That extra gear everyone was asking Z to turn on, well he did so while giving us the middle finger. Even without that goal, it would have been a fantastic game for the future captain. And Eaves. Wow, bow down to Holland folks, what an acquisition.
  • Tonight was Zetterberg's and Homer's 19th goals of the season. It was also the 16th remaining game. Two very important numbers in Red Wings history. The stars really did align.
  • A non drunk Murphy line tonight, "Homer plays with heart." Enough said.
  • The first period looked poised to end 3-0, if only the damn Wild didn't score with 20 seconds left. Still a great effort.
  • We learned a little something about John Keating tonight folks. He refrained from sexually harassing Zetterberg during their entire interview, which leads me to believe Lilja is his favorite Swede.
  • Despite past precedent, the Wings came back and dominated the second and third periods as well. It was fantastic to see.
  • There was even a Kronwalled sighting. Welcome back.
  • Miller scored his first short handed goal after a great play between himself and Filppula. While the puck did not go off his foot, the goal was of course reviewed. I half expected the league to declare there was a distinct kicking motion with a body party other than a foot. They can make shit up like that, it's the NHL folks.
  • Favorite line of the night was from Mickey, of course, referring to the discovery of Crosby's "lost" hockey stick, "We can get on with our lives." I know I can. Crisis averted.
  • Helm made a bid for back up goaltender duties late in the third with a diving save.
  • Franzen had his second goal of the game making it 5-1. Mick slowly but surely fell in love with the Mule's hands.....yeah that was a weird sentence for a number of reasons, but it stays.
  • The NHLN cuts back late from commercial to Ken saying "you tease Mick, you tease." Yep.
  • The microphones were great this game, by the bench, and at the end when you hear the heads up to Kronwall. Luckily he got out of Clutterfucks way. Haha see what I did there. Yes I know lame.

The game was a solid, puck possession, team effort. They controlled the tempo and for once seemed confident that the lead could be maintained throughout the entire game. They didn't sit back, nor did they act petrified. The Wings were in control until the final whistle. Well done. Well done. Now, can they string two of these performances together? Here's hoping for the same level of play on Saturday.

And so we meet again

Another day, another game. This time they meet the Wild. After the Wings single handily took 2 years off my life on Tuesday, I've decided to take a zen like approach to the rest of the season. I now drink chi tea, practice yoga, meditate, and only think positive thoughts about all of those around me. And yes, I fully expect this new state of mind to end before I finish this post. I'll be back to drinking, avoiding unnecessary exercise and cursing Gary Bettman at least 7 times a day.

But in all seriousness, no longer will I be mentioning a "Big Game" or stressing the importance of beating any one particular team. It clearly doesn't work out.

So tomorrow there's a hockey game. Some people will play, someone will win, and 2 points will be awarded. So yeah, it's March 11th and I'm the epitome of relaxation...yep. If I keep saying it over and over I'm sure I'll begin to believe it.

I'm pressed for time, so here's just a few random videos for your viewing pleasure:

The Wings play the Wild and below is my all time favorite Red Wings, Wild moment. And yes, I realize neither player is still on that respective team, but I don't give a fuck. It's still awesome.

George very succinctly, pointed out that the Wings Issues may stem from a lack of confidence. And well I'm sold. I drank the koolaid. I think lack of confidence is strongly affecting them as well as pressure and perhaps the fact this season has caused them to forget hockey is game. And thus they need to just enjoy it and have fun.

While randomly searching youtube I ran across this old, awkward, and somewhat cheesy video. But at least the team seemed to be enjoying themselves, which is what they need to do now.

Hopefully they can pull it together, because I'm sure this guy's not ready to lose again.

And I'm damn sure this guy does not want all of his hustle and effort to go to waste.

And finally, I guarantee you the team doesn't want to feel like this again.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Oh was that an important game?

Honestly I couldn't tell based on the Red Wings first period and third period play. Just like the Chicago game, a complete effort, from anyone not on Pavel Datsyuk's line, was nonexistent. I don't know. I don't get it. It's frustrating when 2 minutes change an entire game and Nashville of course decides to beat Atlanta. Bye bye number 8 playoff spot.

Below is a short, often irrelevant recap of the game. I just don't have the energy for anything longer.

  • Since the media was making such a big deal (and secretly jacking off to the idea of him breaking this) about Iginla's Red Wings goal drought, you just knew he was going to break that tonight, and he did.

  • I forgot how much I missed watching a Ken and Mickey broadcast. If nothing less, Mick never disappoints with his random facts or weird observations. For example, did you know that both Datsyuk and Ovechkin shaved their faces. Oooo ahhhh very interesting.

  • Matt over at OTW had an interesting debate with a lovely gentlemen named Garth after Matt implied Zetterberg hasn't been playing great. Well sorry Garth, but I'm with Matt on this one and I'm more convinced than ever that he's playing through some sort of injury.

  • In the first period both teams seemed tentative and nervous, but overall the Flames seemed to have a little extra effort or confidence. It gave them the edge allowing them to be just a bit more dominate.

  • The Wings were also guilty of numerous turnovers in the first. None more noticeable than Williams perfect pass in the slot to a Calgary forward. Luckily Jimmy came up big.

  • Either way the period ended 0-0 and it was a relief. The Wings easily could have been behind.

  • The first intermission had an awkward Lilja interview which John Keating began by instructing him to take his helmet off so all the ladies could see how handsome he is. For fucks sake....

  • Anyway, somewhere early in the second the Flames score after the Wings fail to clear the zone and Zetterberg can't reach the puck. Also somewhere in there Mickey begins to lament the fact that goaltenders go down too early these days. So many jokes, so many horrible jokes if only I had the motivation.

  • For some time after that goal the Flames looked like they were on the power play. Lidstrom even had to brilliantly stop an Iginla breakway.

  • But right after that play, Datsyuk restores hope and scores tying the game. Oh and did I mention his goal was the result of a beautiful feed from Homer. That line has been playing great. And since the Olympic break, every game has been Dangelishis. He's so noticeable it seems like he's always on the ice.

  • Mickey nearly pisses his pants with excitement over a big Patrick Eaves hit

  • I hate Todd Bertuzzi. I don't care if he has a catchy Mantuzzi song and can put together a good game every once in awhile. It's games like this that make me want to beat him with a wood hockey stick, just so it won't break easily.

  • Before Kronwall's injury he was having a great season....after, while not always terrible, I'll admit I often become quite concerned when he has the puck. Dammit. However, we did learn that he has 40 plus pairs of shoes. Thanks FSD. Excessive, no amateur. I'm still finding creative ways to store all my shoes. Seriously, right here, I will be the little old lady that could live in her shoes.

  • The first Wings powerplay looked great. A ton of pressure in front of the net from Homer, Mule and even The Perfect Human. Certainly made me realize how much I missed Franzen, especially when he laughs after the whistle at all the frustration he caused. Awesome. But not nearly as great as Homer's go ahead redirect goal. 2-1 Wings

  • But that's about where the fun ends. After, in the third period, Iginla scores and then less than 2 minutes later they score again, you knew it was done. Over. Despite having 6 skaters to their 4 (PP and extra skater) near the end of the game the Wings couldn't get it done.

Yes I'm frustrated, possibly pissed, definitely not sure what to think. There were moments of brilliance. Datsyuk's line for one, the power play, some good defensive plays, but again they couldn't string together a win. The hope is still there, but the fear is also growing.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Well that was Fanfuckingtastic

Yep that's about how this game felt. Well that or this.

That game fucking sucked. The night fucking sucked. I'm not ready for hockey to be done in April.

17 Games Remaining

That's it. Just 17 games left and a playoff spot at stake. The stress is intense around Hockeytown. People are confident, nervous, and anxious all at the same time. Frankly it feels like playoff hockey. In order to get through this, I've created a survival list for Fans, loved ones of fans, and yes even the Red Wings. I warn you that most of these deal with superstitious and crazy ideas, but I’m sorry, since Jobu and the hockey gods have conspired to bend the Wings and their fans over, we need to come up with a way to fuck up their mojo. It’s do or die bitches.

10 Tips to survive the playoff push, for you, your friends and family, and sure why not the Wings too:

1. A copious amount of alcohol seems like an easy answer. And while it may be helpful to calm the nerves of some Wings fans, it’s more complicated than that. There needs to be a special formula. A signature morning drink (for the damn games on NBC), an afternoon drink, and an evening drink. Personally I would recommend that your favorite drink be saved for the evening games since it will most often be consumed. Now, if the Wings lose, retire that drink and change to something else. If they continuously lose while the same ingredient is being used (example tequila, or the same brand) retire said ingredient.

2. Although I don’t have a strong, clear remembrance of such a difficult playoff push, I suspect a great deal of their success is directly associated with karma. The Wings and their fans karma as well as their opponents. So until the playoffs, anytime you are paying for something and your change comes out to 20 cents or less, you DO NOT KEEP IT. I cannot stress this enough. Put that shit in the penny pot, save it all and donate to H2H, something, anything is better than punching a cabby and throwing a drunkin fit over 20 cents.

3. Alright folks, time for a little arts and crafts. I suggest you open your Martha Stewart Living to page 10. It’s time to make the season’s snazziest tin foil hats. Nothing but the finest fashions since the runways in Paris will do. Come on, if Martha can turn her prison cell into a winter wonderland using cigarette buds, a shank, and one ply toilet paper, we can do this. And then I think it’s time for a group picture. You know many bitches out there will dance naked in the rain if the Wings don’t make the playoffs. So Joaquin Phoenix tells us the only way to avoid their bad mojo, and possibly a little of Jobu’s, is with the assistance of the tin foil hat.

4. This one’s for our loved ones, coworkers, and neighbors. Do not, I repeat, do not mention the name Sidney Crosby or Gary Bettman unless it is immediately followed by sucks dick. I can’t begin to warn you of the horrors to come if this one is not followed.

5. Red Wings, I’m looking at you for this one. Please keep Dan Cleary out of the line of fire of all teammates. Please. There is a serious history of, well I’m just going to shut my whore mouth. Bubble wrap and caution are your new best friends.

6. Also for the Wings. Keep Homer pissed off. Aside from Babcock I’m not sure exactly what would piss off a Homer. Maybe sitting him next to Lebda on the plane, stealing his coloring books, or telling him the ending of the new Robert Pattinson movie. I don’t care. A pissed off Holmstrom paired with Dr. Dangler and the Mule only spells wonderful things.

7. Create a pregame/game routine, and when it works stick with it. Routines often are randomly created and followed after success. Other Wings bloggers have lost their pants risking legal and personal ramifications. Another spent countless hours rearranging lawn chair furniture. This folks, is commitment. Friends, family, and strangers may mock your traditions. But fuck it. True there is no clear science linking your superstitions with the Wings success, but I bet there is some correlation between routines and your pre playoff sanity.

8. As a favor to your friends, family, pets, loved ones in general, remind them what your behavior is like during each year’s playoff run. The tantrums, the anguish, elation, sudden mood swings. Prepare them for this behavior to begin earlier this year. They’ll be sure to bitch, but deep down, appreciate the fair warning.

9. Be sure to enjoy it. Remember how shitty the summer is without Red Wings hockey. Enjoy every game.

10. And finally, remember, despite the injuries, the anal probing of Jobu, and a long difficult season, this is still the Detroit Red Wings. It’s still Datsyuk, Lidstorm, a Zetterberg, Mule, Holmstrom, Kronwall, Rafalski, Filppula, Howard, Helm, Eaves, and yes even Bertuzzi. That’s a damn scary line up. And if it’s not enough, Babcock’s behind the bench with Holland and Yzerman watching from above. The 19ths consecutive playoff appearance is at stake, and I believe this team wants it just as bad as we do. Have faith and enjoy the remaining regular season games, even if you must do so in the fetal position.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oh He's Out There

So there is a douche on the loose in Phoenix. I know nothing about him accept that he drives a black car and has a Pens87 licence plate. So yes, enough said. I've seen the car around the area where I work a couple times. Unfortunately since I have the reflexes of a drunk 89 year old man who forgot to take his daily does of Cialis, I've never been able to get a clear picture. But just like Big Foot, I assure you he's out there. So while I condone a Pens87 license plate as much as I encourage a Mike Green fauxhawk, it did at least get me thinking. I began to contemplate what a personalized plate should be for some of our favorite Red Wings. And since I am anything but creative, feel free to offer up any other suggestions.

Jimmy Howard= Jimmah, and yes he's secure enough to have this license plate.

Darren Helm = The Kill, or Third Shorty, enough said.

Johan Franzen = FeedMe, I was going to go with Gigolo in honor of his amazing 1970s inspired mustache, but I was afraid of the possible legal and PR ramifications.

Pavel Datsyuk = Dr. Dangler, screw Dr. Ramani and his eye institute for replacing the best spokesman since Billy Mayes.

Jonathan Ericsson = HideUrGF, Voox over at A2Y has already described Ericsson's powers of fertility, so this is just a friendly warning to the men of Michigan to hide their girl friends.

Todd Bertuzzi = Reaper, because unibomber may raise some flags on the terror watch list.

Tomas Holmstrom = #1Stunna, because who else is as much of a pimp as Homer and his Swenglish

Brett Lebda = Baller, because you know he walks around with swagger he doesn't have.

Andres Lilja = BadAss, again enough said.

Jason Williams = BigJWilly, I'm pretty sure this is how he fancies himself and anything that reminds of a Will Smith song is awesome.

Chris Osgood = STFU BABS, I think the hate runs deep in our friend Chris. This may be too PG for him.

Derek Meech = 4RealAWing, just because I'm not sure people always believe him.

Niklas Kronwall = Kronwalled, because honestly, what else could it be?

Niklas Lidstrom = Mr. Norris, only an acceptable choice because he would be appalled by such a moniker

Drew Miller = ThisBuds4U, just because Miller Time is too predictable. He likes to keep people guessing. And an appropriate/ ironic spokesman choice.

Valterri Filppula = Fierce, and nothing more, because who else has a head of sun in damaged hair like everyone's favorite Finn?

Justin Abdelkader, SpartyOn, yes I know he's currently playing with the Griffins, but as an MSU alumnus he had to be included on the list.

Dan(minus the ny) Cleary = JustDanPls, I'm sure Pierre McGuire calling him Danny has forced him to seek the assistance of a therapist and witch doctor to overcome the night terrors.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Wings 5, Blackhawks 4, Pierre can suck it

Holy hell that was a hockey game. Well the last two periods certainly were. Not sure what was taking place during the first, but I was glad I took Jennbikegirl's advice and had a little Irish coffee with my breakfast. And double points for me being able to keep it down despite the fact that NBC mentioned Crosby's name numerous times before the puck even dropped. Yes fuck you Gary, after practice, patience, and Tai chi, I am able to tolerate that dip shit. You can't keep this girl down.

Anywho, as per the tradition, below are my thoughts, theories, and general bitchiness regarding the game:

  • Edzo, Eddie O, or whatever douche approved nickname you can think of stated that if the Wings lose this game they don't make the playoffs. Exactly the kind of astute analysis I expect from an NBC broadcast.
  • Soon after Pierre starts discussing the free agent deflections, blah blah blah, it's March, shut the fuck up. I'm pretty sure the NBC crew has a strick formula to follow each game. Possibly something like this, Crosby, Crosby, Crosby, Deflections, Crosby, Injuries, Crosby, Crosby, the end of the Red Wing era, Crosby, and finally Pierre gets off his knees and wipes his mouth. Far too predictable.
  • So at this point, I'm annoyed with NBC, I needed to "adjust" the Irish coffee, and I was seriously concerned with the way the Wings came out. To make matters worse Duncan Keith scores and Pierre crowns him the new Nick Lidstrom. Excuse me but I was unaware that the court jester/ ass clown, was able to crown royalty. I must have missed that in Gary's "Fuck the NHL" manifesto. Because later, in all his brilliant wit, the douche canoe crowns Datsyuk the King of larceny. Something about him is just so damn creepy.
  • Despite the win, Jimmy Howard had another rough night. His rebound control, was non existent. I'm hoping he just needs some time to adjust from the long break. I'm anxiously awaiting the return of young James.
  • Filppula had a very uncharacteristic giveaway directly leading to Chicago's second goal. Had Lebda done the same thing, my new neighbors would probably have overheard some new and exciting swear words.
  • It was a rough first period for the Wings. I felt like everyone was standing around waiting for a pass. No one was moving their feet or getting to the open ice. Despite being down 2 goals, the urgency was nonexistent.
  • And if things weren't gloomy enough, if all the bunnies and unicorns hadn't already given us the middle finger while skipping away, Zetterberg appeared to be playing hurt. Something was off and he looked to be in pain. Dammit, just what they need.
  • In the second period a controversial no goal call finally goes the Wings way, and as usual it caused an entire momentum shift. The game could have been 3-0 but instead the Red Wings took over.
  • The Wings score 5, yes 5 bitches, unanswered goals in the second period. Great effort. Rafalski was in Olympic form on the first goal, Lidstrom with his Norris Trophyesque shot scored the second, Williams with the third, and Filppula redeemed himself with the fourth goal.
  • Todd Bertuzzi, everyone's favorite potential, yes potential, serial killer was involved in 3 of the goals. Great game for him. Well until he was awkwardly hit by Eager while already falling down from a previous check. Babcock said he had a charlie horse, but we all know he lies to us, and while we like this, it does render his injury reports about as useful as Pronger during a math test. I'm hoping it wasn't his knee, but it certainly didn't look good.
  • My favorite moment of the game had to be when Datsyuk stole the puck from 20 cents and scored a beautiful goal on the breakaway. Not only did that goal encompass all the things that make Datsyuk, well Dangle Dangleish, but I cannot stand Patrick Kane. I place him in the same douche class as Ryan Getzlaf and Mike Green. I imagine he would be the type of guy to walk up to you and throw out this kind of line "I don't know if you know this, but I'm kinda a big deal. I have many leather bound books." He has that mantra playing over and over again in his head. His daily manifesto if you will. Which makes Datsyuk's game winning goal that much more satisfying.
  • The third period starts out with Kane, Toews, and Hossa on the same line. Honestly that made me a bit nervous. Especially with the Wings seeming to sit back and hope to hold onto the lead.
  • Franzen already had the classic mouth guard incident of 2009, so keeping up with his hysterical tradition, he had a nice dive call late in the third. Thanks for keeping a stressful situation light.
  • Chicago manages to come up with 2 more goals in the third. Ladd of course had a hat trick. And you know what, Lidstrom didn't piss his pants while whining about all the hats on the ice. Because unlike the face of the NHL, the Red Wings captain has class. With a capital C.
  • KronWall returned, welcome back, and had a much better game. Even stopping a goal while Jimmy was flopping around like a drunk stripper at the tale end of a 12 hour shift.
  • Datsyuk ended up taking a shot off his foot. He went to the bench in pain. I doubled over in fear. Luckily he came back out, but we've all watched enough hockey, especially this season, to know as soon as he takes his skate off, and tomorrow rolls around, we could all be experiencing the shakes and cold sweats. I'm holding out hope for both him and Bertuzzi.

Despite a weak first period, and sitting back in the third, the Wings managed to hold onto the win. It was a big game for them because quite frankly they needed the 2 points. They are now one behind Nashville and have a four point game against Calgary coming up. They've won 4 of their last 5 games, and quite frankly I'm sick of standings watching and analyzing, because I suck at it. Great game. Let's go Wings.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

How did I miss that game

Of course I missed it. The one game I couldn't watch and the one game not on the DVR (don't ask why it wasn't recorded, touchy subject.), was apparently a fantastic Red Wings effort. So what does this all mean? Well a completely rational, logical, and sane person would deduce that I'm bad luck this season, and when I watch they lose. Luckily, I'm currently too hung over to posses any of those characteristics. So I'm just going to assume the leaders of the team had enough and demanded more from themselves and the other players.

Even though I didn't watch the game, a wonderful little Al Gore invention, allowed me to view the Datsyuk goal. Unbelievable. Datsyuk has had enough. He's been embarrassed in the Olympics and has decided if him and Darren Helm have to do it on their own, the Wings are making the fucking playoffs. Seriously, it's not even a possibility for them to not make a 19th consecutive playoff appearance. 19. For fucks sake the number 19. 19 is far too important of a number for The Organization and Datsyuk decided to make sure they reach that milestone. Alright, stepping off my soap box. That was far too exhausting for the way I feel today.

Anywho, Darren Helm had 2 goals last night and his third shorty of the year. And yes I realize "Third Shorty" should totally be the name of a cheesy rap song. The only remaining question is what will his stage name be? I'm open to suggestions.

I haven't read anywhere about how Kronwall played. I'm choosing to take that as a good thing and assume it means he successfully kidnapped and destroyed the evil KronVall with copious amounts of lingon berry sauce. Whatever it takes.

Tomorrow is Chicago. A huge game for a number of reasons. I'm hoping they can build off the momentum from last nights win and earn 2 more points.

Another reason to hate Gary and NBC, I'll be eating cheerios while watching the game and avoiding the socially unacceptable morning drink. Thanks a lot ass holes.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Will we see a return of KronWall?

Blah blah blah. Even with the Wings seeming to play every other day until April, the news is slow. I hate days like this. But at least it's Friday. Tonight the Wings play Nashville. Thanks to a win last night, the Predators have a 5 point lead over the Wings. Much more cushy and comfy than the Wings 1 point lead over the 9th place teams. Fuck my life.

So in an effort to maintain my sanity, below are some pointless questions or comments, or drunken (shut up its 9am here) ramblings about tonight's game:

  • Will Jimmy Howard be able to rebound from the Osgood inflicted brainwashing he received over the Olympic break? As much as I love Olympic hockey and am a proponent for the NHL players inclusion, I was worried about the effect this would have on young James. A hot goalie having to take a 2 week break, clearly a poor idea.
  • A friend asked my why all hockey players wear gold chains? Never noticed it before, but he's right. Interesting question and sometimes a horrible fashion choice.
  • Ericsson is rightfully benched tonight. His play of late makes me want to break a piece of IKEA furniture and burn the pieces. Yes I'm hardcore like that. But seriously, how fucked up is this year if Lebda is replacing Ericsson? I think all Wings fans deserve some sort of reward for this. Perhaps the hockey gods could finally leak the pictures of Crosby and Bettman in "compromising" positions. Hey it's called a casting couch for a reason. We don't judge here, we love and accept.
  • Lilja meets up with Shea Weber for the first time since a punch to the chin took him out of commission for a year. Please stay away from Weber. And on a side note, after watching Canada in the Olympics, that big lumberjacks shot scares me more than the thought of Patrick Kane in a limo.
  • Will KronWall return tonight or will we be subjected to KroVall the sequel? Please no, my system can't take being pissed about two Swedes at once. It's a like a double negative that turns into a positive that brings me back to wondering why Lebda's in the lineup to finally cursing Bettman and the salary cap while lying in a pile of half eatten doughnuts. Don't judge me.
  • Will the Wings play with the passion of a jilted Housewife (the ABC version not the Real Housewives of Atlanta version, those bitches are too classy to be jilted) or will they actually stay awake for three full periods?
  • Bertuzzi has officially been moved to the third line. What will possibly get him out of his scoring slump? I believe a TOV male acappella version of the "Mantuzzi" (is this copyrighted yet?) song is the only solution. It doesn't matter if it's painful to us, it's for the good of the whole Wings Nation.

Sure there's no point to the nonsense above, but is there really ever a point to anything at Bingo Bango?

At least I FINALLY posted twice in the same week. Small victories.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

They're Back??

Well Red Wing hockey has returned from a long Olympic break. And when I say "Red Wing Hockey," I of course unfortunately mean this years version of uninspired, bored, piss poor excuse for hockey. Like a bad case of gonorrhea, just when you think the problems gone (please see the Colorado game) all your symptoms (in the place of burning piss insert REALLY poor defensive play) come back at the worst time. It's the playoff hunt, do or die. Even if they wanted to bow out in the first round, I'd take it at this point, just keep the playoff streak alive. The sense of pride, honor, commitment, and hard work associated with the Winged Wheel seems to have disappeared this year. Do I still have faith it can return, sure. But with each passing "throw away" game, my hope and resolve is turning to dispare. At 24, I don't have a strong memory of the Wings not making it to the playoffs. Of course I have many memories of early playoff departures and years of disappointments. But an 18 year playoff streak is impressive in any sport. At the very least, you would think that would inspire the team.

The injuries at this point cannot be an excuse. Yes they are still attempting to adjust to new linemates and essentially a new lineup, but that does not explain the emotionless, slow moving, game they played last night.

Babcock has said, the best players need to actually, you know be the best players on the team. Last night, I thought Datsyuk, Franzen, and Zetterberg had some decent offensive moments. And yep in order to balance by good and bad karma, I said something nice.

Now onto the quick and dirty game recap. And I do mean really quick, I prefer not to relive hangovers, the flu, or moments of self inflicted torture.

  • Well I'd be a fucking idiot not to know exactly what kind of game this was going to be when Vancouver scored in the first 4 minutes. I had to reprogram myself to hate Ryan Kessler. However, I assure you, despite Kane being on team USA, the hate never died.
  • You would think Howard would like that one back. Although maybe not. I'm pretty sure during the Olympic break, Osgood kidnapped and tied Howard up in his creepy little "man shed" behind his house. During Howards imprisonment, he was forced to watch Osgoods regulars season games from last year and this year. During each bad goal, Osgood would bring in a hot stripper to do a little dance for our young Jimmy. At which time, he soon developed a Pavels dog (not that Pavel) type reaction to allowing horrible goals. This, and only this can possibly be the explanation for Jimmy's less than stellar play.
  • I had the TSN feed, and decided I could not stand listening to them say Fraaaaazen over and over again. The utter butchering of his name made me miss the vocal delights from the cast of Jersey Shore.
  • Jason Williams (yes the one I called to trade) scored an amazing goal after a great feed from Zetterberg. 2-1 Wings. False hope restored.
  • Now if this next play happened to any other team, I would have enjoyed it. Kronwall once again pinches (yeah that alone will knock the wind out of you) takes a great feed from Franzen. Attempts a Ken Daniels approved skate to stick move, but instead steps on the puck, and falls down faster than a drunk sorority girl. While doing so, he knocks over another Wing, which leads to an odd man rush and Vancouver's second goal. An entire 90 seconds after Zetterberg ties it up. Awesome.
  • But no worries, a couple other friendly Swedes come to make up for their countryman's mistake. Lilja has a nice pass to Zetterberg, who completely freezes Luongo for a beautiful goal. Hope again restored.
  • Datsyuk was a little pissy last night, which is almost as great as seeing an angry Homer. He took a roughing penalty causing a little 4 on 4 time.
  • Soon after Kyle Wellwood scores on a breakaway. Jimmy froze quicker than a guy who just saw his first real live boob.
  • At some point Kronwall over skates another pass. This one from Zetterberg. He had a horrible, horrible game. Well I guess I should clarify, according to TSN, KronVall had a horrible game. Perhaps that means KronWall took the night off. Yeah I'm going with that theory. It makes me feel better.
  • Speaking of which, everyones favorite KronVall takes a bad penalty, 4-2 Vancouver.
  • Babcock pulls Howard, and we're left with Ozzie. Again, awesome.
  • Best part of the night, and by best part I mean a kick to the balls, Samulesson gets a shot on net and scores.
  • Kessler scores ANOTHER goal after ANOTHER KronVall penalty.
  • At this point I was done. Watching a rerun of the Bad Girls club was less painful. Game ends 6-3.
And there you have it folks. A tremendous effort from a team fighting for a playoff spot. Sigh. Not sure what can help at this point. But in order to maintain the sanity I have left, and because as a die hard Wings fan it's my obligation, I'm holding out hope they can turn this around. And yes I understand how delusional that sounds.