Tuesday, March 9, 2010

17 Games Remaining

That's it. Just 17 games left and a playoff spot at stake. The stress is intense around Hockeytown. People are confident, nervous, and anxious all at the same time. Frankly it feels like playoff hockey. In order to get through this, I've created a survival list for Fans, loved ones of fans, and yes even the Red Wings. I warn you that most of these deal with superstitious and crazy ideas, but I’m sorry, since Jobu and the hockey gods have conspired to bend the Wings and their fans over, we need to come up with a way to fuck up their mojo. It’s do or die bitches.

10 Tips to survive the playoff push, for you, your friends and family, and sure why not the Wings too:

1. A copious amount of alcohol seems like an easy answer. And while it may be helpful to calm the nerves of some Wings fans, it’s more complicated than that. There needs to be a special formula. A signature morning drink (for the damn games on NBC), an afternoon drink, and an evening drink. Personally I would recommend that your favorite drink be saved for the evening games since it will most often be consumed. Now, if the Wings lose, retire that drink and change to something else. If they continuously lose while the same ingredient is being used (example tequila, or the same brand) retire said ingredient.

2. Although I don’t have a strong, clear remembrance of such a difficult playoff push, I suspect a great deal of their success is directly associated with karma. The Wings and their fans karma as well as their opponents. So until the playoffs, anytime you are paying for something and your change comes out to 20 cents or less, you DO NOT KEEP IT. I cannot stress this enough. Put that shit in the penny pot, save it all and donate to H2H, something, anything is better than punching a cabby and throwing a drunkin fit over 20 cents.

3. Alright folks, time for a little arts and crafts. I suggest you open your Martha Stewart Living to page 10. It’s time to make the season’s snazziest tin foil hats. Nothing but the finest fashions since the runways in Paris will do. Come on, if Martha can turn her prison cell into a winter wonderland using cigarette buds, a shank, and one ply toilet paper, we can do this. And then I think it’s time for a group picture. You know many bitches out there will dance naked in the rain if the Wings don’t make the playoffs. So Joaquin Phoenix tells us the only way to avoid their bad mojo, and possibly a little of Jobu’s, is with the assistance of the tin foil hat.

4. This one’s for our loved ones, coworkers, and neighbors. Do not, I repeat, do not mention the name Sidney Crosby or Gary Bettman unless it is immediately followed by sucks dick. I can’t begin to warn you of the horrors to come if this one is not followed.

5. Red Wings, I’m looking at you for this one. Please keep Dan Cleary out of the line of fire of all teammates. Please. There is a serious history of, well I’m just going to shut my whore mouth. Bubble wrap and caution are your new best friends.

6. Also for the Wings. Keep Homer pissed off. Aside from Babcock I’m not sure exactly what would piss off a Homer. Maybe sitting him next to Lebda on the plane, stealing his coloring books, or telling him the ending of the new Robert Pattinson movie. I don’t care. A pissed off Holmstrom paired with Dr. Dangler and the Mule only spells wonderful things.

7. Create a pregame/game routine, and when it works stick with it. Routines often are randomly created and followed after success. Other Wings bloggers have lost their pants risking legal and personal ramifications. Another spent countless hours rearranging lawn chair furniture. This folks, is commitment. Friends, family, and strangers may mock your traditions. But fuck it. True there is no clear science linking your superstitions with the Wings success, but I bet there is some correlation between routines and your pre playoff sanity.

8. As a favor to your friends, family, pets, loved ones in general, remind them what your behavior is like during each year’s playoff run. The tantrums, the anguish, elation, sudden mood swings. Prepare them for this behavior to begin earlier this year. They’ll be sure to bitch, but deep down, appreciate the fair warning.

9. Be sure to enjoy it. Remember how shitty the summer is without Red Wings hockey. Enjoy every game.

10. And finally, remember, despite the injuries, the anal probing of Jobu, and a long difficult season, this is still the Detroit Red Wings. It’s still Datsyuk, Lidstorm, a Zetterberg, Mule, Holmstrom, Kronwall, Rafalski, Filppula, Howard, Helm, Eaves, and yes even Bertuzzi. That’s a damn scary line up. And if it’s not enough, Babcock’s behind the bench with Holland and Yzerman watching from above. The 19ths consecutive playoff appearance is at stake, and I believe this team wants it just as bad as we do. Have faith and enjoy the remaining regular season games, even if you must do so in the fetal position.


  1. So we should become alcoholics huh? As a (poor) student I have approximately two different kinds of alcohol in the house: A very old Scotch single malt whisky and another very old Scotch single maly whisky... So not sure how number 1 will work for me... But I will give you my rituals for the playoff push:
    - As all rituals of clothing, non clothing etc has died, skip rituals, just make sure there are no dirty dishes when I watch the game
    - As I believe that Frank Zappa is God, listen to him for at least an hour on game day.
    - Pray to Frank at the beginning of important PPs

    Those work pretty decently for me right now

  2. I'll start doing the whole change thing...seriously. But if it doesn't work, I'm going to hold you responsible for reparations, young lady.

  3. Alright. $0.11 offered up in change for my chicken salad sandwich for lunch today at the local deli. This had better work.

  4. @Andy, here at Bingo Bango,improper behavior is never encouraged. For fucks sake this blog could be a how to guide for running a ladies refinement school. :)

    @NOHS, It has to work. It has to. How could Karma not side with charity and well the Red Wings, while a cabby punching ingrate is skating into the playoffs. No, no this has to work.

  5. Never, ever discount the value of rearranging lawn furniture.

  6. Haha Jessie, I feel pretty sure if you made a swear word percentage test of Wings blogs our two would come out on top.. :P