You Must Be 3 and Up to Play With Your Poop

In my last post I mentioned both Todd Bertuzzi's salary as well as Brett Lebda's horribly inflated new pay check. Rob, in the comments section pointed out that if Lebda is making 1.45 million then you have to pay Bertuzzi 1.5. Whether this point was in jest or not, its worth looking into because let's be honest, what else can we possibly discuss. So thank you Rob.

Bertuzzi was signed to 1.5 before anyone even considered paying Lebda with anything more than a Big Mac and industrial sized toe nail clippers. In fact, prior to his signing I was absolutely convinced that anyone willing to sign him for more than 850,000 also probably thought Poopy Time Fun Shapes would be the next big thing.

But then Burke went and overpaid for what the Wings deemed an unnecessary spare part. An inconsistent, defensive liability, coming off a down year, in Toronto is apparently worth 1.45. But in this new cap world, overpaying one player can substantially increase the value of another. For better or worse it's a reasonable point.

In all honesty, 1.5 million for Bertuzzi actually isn't a horrible price. I was hoping for 1.2, but obviously Holland and the rest of the Wings brain trust know exactly what they're doing. I'm just not a fan of Bertuzzi. I'm not a fan of his often inconsistent play and inconsistent effort. And I'm sure as hell sick of him haunting my dreams at night threatening to rape my dog. So on that note, let's take a peek at all the other things we could get for 1.5 million dollars.

1,376,146 McDonald's Double Cheeseburgers (from the dollar menu accounting for the lovely new 9% tax in AZ)

88,495 Chia Pets (Not including shipping and handling)

21,739 Billy The Big Mouth Bass (It's a sad state of affairs when a talking, wall mounted Bass, still costs $69 after all these years on the market)

75,000 Clappers (Not to be confused with the clap)

78,947 Thigh Masters (Suzanne Summers not included)

21,739 Rejuvenique Masks (I honestly have no idea what the fuck that is. I can't listen to the sound at work, but something just seems so wrong)

100,000 Snuggies (Not to be confused with 100,000 Jersey Shore Snookies. We could probably get double the amount of Snookies)

Anyone willing to take one of the above options over Detroit's own unibomber? For fucks sake this off season has been long, slow, and increasingly painful. Mike Modano needs to make a fucking decision so I have something else to write about. Things are slow when Poopy Time Fun Shapes, Snookie, and Rejuvenique are mentioned in the same post.