Sunday, January 31, 2010

Wait the Wings Played Today?

Because I honestly thought Crosby was playing Malkin and the Wings players were the puck boys and Jimmy was just there for target practice. Well that's what NBC told me...

Seriously, I hate NBC. Just when you think a sports broadcast cannot be any worse than the amateur production on Versus, we get the distinct pleasure of viewing that shitfest on NBC. Now I warn you, before I get into the game, I need to get some NBC, Pierre McGuire, Edzo, hate off my chest.


Let me start off by saying I was seriously concerned for Sidney Crosby. Now just give me a second to explain. The amount of man love, taking place was disconcerting. I firmly believe it was a necessity to have a police escort get Sid the Kid out of Mellon arena tonight. If not he may have found his Shirley Temple (with extra cherries) spiked with a little somethin somethin, which forced him to take the risk of walking down a dark alley. Waiting for him, would be Pierre and Edzo for a little on the knees love fest...it got to that point today.


Since the Wings once again decided it wasn't necessary to show up for the first 40 minutes, thus frustrating me to no end, I decided to start tallying the number of times anyone on the NBC crew mentioned Crosby. Now this number didn't include the number of times they showed him before every commercial break, after most plays, and most memorably after Stuart's tying goal, no, it was just saying his name. My final number 84. And I wasn't even paying that much attention since I was still a bit "tired" from the night before. 84 fucking times. Are you kidding me?

So what did I do, I became frustrated, started bitching, and possibly irrationally yelling at the TV. My husband took his life into his own hands by telling me I must be imagining it, no one can be that biased....and so he watched the rest of the game with me. Here's what we were able to see:

  • After the first period, they did a loooovely expose on wait for it, wait for it...Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin....heaven forbid they discuss the game
  • After the second period, they did a piece on Malkin....were the Penguins playing themselves? Are there any other teams in the NHL outside of the Capitals and the Penguins.
  • The squirt of the game or whatever that shit was, was Fleury.
  • Crosby provided us with the douche squeaks of the game
  • I don't give a shit that Crosby hits pucks into a dryer....but I did see that commercial on at least 3 separate occasions, and no I didn't go to facebook to see who won
  • Pierre did get off his knees and wipe his mouth long enough to interview Babcock for 23 seconds....wow thanks, you completely left the Wings fans satisfied.

The result, my husband openly said "you're right, they're lining up for a Penguins gang bang."

NBC is always terrible to watch, they fail to show replays of penalties, for fucks sake they fail to show game tying goals live, but today, they took the one sided bias to a whole new level. McGuire honestly reminded me of that blonde chick from the movie Obsessed. You know that movie with Beyonce and the guy who was on a few episodes of The Office. Pretty sure he has a giant poster of Crosby and that obnoxious commercial with Max Talbots head covered with his own replaying over and over again....

Now that I'm done with that, and thanks for listening to my rant, below are a few random thoughts about the game:

  • The early start time confused the Wings and they did not show up for the first period. Jimmy was forced to stop 16 shots in the first alone. Unacceptable. I have no words or understanding to where their motivation could possibly be.
  • Zetterberg and Datsyuk played well. Datsyuk being the second best Wing after young James.
  • Despite tightening up on defense lately, the were slopping in their own end more times that Crosby's name was mentioned... that is until it came to the PK where they once again played fantastically....explain that one to me
  • Filppula schooled Gonchar, too bad the creepy guy in the office who spends half the day picking his zits had a greater chance of scoring...because Fil also missed a wide open net. Damn.
  • Kronwall may or may not be hurt. MOTHER FUCKER. Seriously, we just got him back. He had a big hit on the giant Canadian that is Staal, and he was limping. He went down hard. Sure he stayed on the bench but it didn't look good. I am afraid to read the news tomorrow. It will suck for the Wings if he reinjured his knee....but it will be awful for him personally with the Olympics coming up.

Whew. I know that was a short one, but I'm not fully over the loss or the Crosby dick blowing that took place today to write more. I'll just end it with this, Jimmy Howard faced another 40 plus shots, and kept the Wings in the game.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Coyotes 5 Wings 4 OT

Yes that really fucking just happened. Normally I would say that game was a kick to the balls, a paper cut on the scrotum, but I don't think that fully explains it. This game was more than just painful, the outcome was embarrassing. I equate it more to the feeling that I am sure the genius on my study abroad had when on the first night of the program, he got shit faced drunk, sang "God Bless the USA," in a french karaoke bar, took a few kicks to the balls himself and woke up hungover in a French jail. See painful and embarrassing.

I missed most of the first period thanks to a hefty dose of Phoenix traffic, but from what I hear the Wings played well. Datsyuk scored the first goal, and apparently Kronwall looked good.

The beginning of the second period was less than impressive. Zetterberg took his second tripping penalty of the game and the Wings looked out of place and sloppy.

Lebda and Ericsson were, well Lebda and Ericsson, with our giant friend essentially watching the Coyotes first power play goal. I am sending a search party to find the Ericsson of last season....Perhaps we can employee Andy from Fight Night at the Joe to head over to Sweden and see if he is hiding out there.

But if that weren't bad enough, Phoenix ends up taking the lead. Awful. Just awful. But in true form, the Wings fucked with our emotions. They teased us and toyed with us. Allowed us to hope. Because on the next play, Patrick Eaves, yes fucking Patrick Eaves, scored. The Draper, Helm, and Eaves line is like a shot of penicillin to a bad does of syphilis, just what this team needs.

With the game tied 2-2, I hear the Versus announcers inform us that Zetterberg has gone back to the dressing room. I assume they are mistaken, because well this is Versus and they just played their impressive theme song during a 2 on 1 rush. But no he really did. Terror struck, the stages of grief whipped by. One by one. I began questioning how the Wings could get one Swede back just to lose another. How this season is going through players faster than a college freshman goes through STDs. But luckily he came back. Perhaps I should send the Wings a bill for the ulcer I must be developing.

There has been a great deal of talk all season about Lidstroms lack of production. Personally it never concerned me. I honestly believe he was revamping and adjusting his game to deal with the injuries. He needed to play more conservatively and with his rotating partners, he needed to make sure he was always in position to get back. With Ericsson and now Kronwall in the line up, I think he can re transform his game once again. The two fantastic goals tonight were a giant shut the fuck up to any Lidstrom detractors. Oh and Mike Green, that is how a Norris winning, Olympian plays defense. Yes Defense.

While Lidstrom was having a great game, Stuart certainly was not. He was on the ice for everyone of the Coyotes 4 goals. Yes, I said four goals, because for the second game in a row, the Wings blew a 2 goal lead faster than a cheap prostitute behind a dumpster. Pathetic. With 21 seconds remaining they lost Jimmy his win.

And overtime wasn't much better with the Coyotes scoring and taking the 2 points Detroit needed so badly. Wow. If it were possible to fuck yourself in the ass, that is exactly what the Wings did tonight. The crowd was into it, they had a 2 goal lead, and yet with the bar closing at 2 am and their date sufficiently drunk, they still couldn't close the deal. They still couldn't bring her home. Next up Minnesota.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Back from the abyss

Well considering that I haven't posted on this blog since Christmas, I would normally say I was on a break...but let's be honest, I was absent for nearly as long as Ville Leino's offensive game, which is really fucking long. And no, during my absence I can assure you I did not find where he is hiding his talent or where Bettman stashes his Crosby masturbation videos. I was instead super busy at work and moving into our first home, which for some reason left me without cable for a week and a half.

In fact, when I was finally able to begin watching the Wings, they went on that 3 game losing streak which ended last night. I began to secretly wonder if I was bringing some sort of bad mojo....

Anywho, just a few quick things that have already been discussed during my "break."

The Herm to Hockeytown event is heating up. If you haven't ordered your tickets yet...do it. It promises to be an awesome event. Finally just booked all of mine and looking forward to being back in Michigan in March.

For some reason, Brian and Chris decided to bring me back for another Red Wings podcast. (By the way, thanks again guys.) It was a great time with the very knowledgeable Andy from Fight Night at the Joe and the always entertaining and thought provoking Michael Petrella from The Production Line. I'll be honest, considering I hate listening to my own voicemail recording, I have avoided downloading any of my podcasts....that is unless I plan on auditioning for the next Alvin and the Chipmunks movie....

During my hiatus, we also learned a little something about Patrick Kane....evidently he likes to scream boom after he scores.....too many jokes there, but the cabby battering king of the mini douches probably likes to use this term during other moments of excitement. You know like when he stops the gas pump on an even dollar amount (his strong aversion to change is well documented), or when the dermatologist tells him his acne should really clear up once he finishes going through puberty, or the day he found Mike Greens self love website and decided to use it as a template for his own...you know the small victories in life people often take for granite. Seriously, what the fuck did you think I meant, take your head out of the gutter...This blog only contains pure and good thoughts. Yes I'm sarcastically shining my halo.

Anyway, speaking of everyones favorite Norris contender, how did I not see his website before. How did no one share it with me? Mike Green has his own personal masturbation website. What a fantastic idea. (Mike "the situation" from the Jersey Shore is kicking his own faux hawked ass right now for not thinking of that idea first). I mean seriously, tell me a guy with a mix of tattoos that contain, the quintessential tribal tattoo, references to faith, and little pretty flowers, did not create that site just for his own personal enjoyment. I mean seriously, too much to pick from for my first post back. I promise to revisit this in the future.

Someone put Ozzie's bra in the freezer again (Babcock we're looking at you) because he decided to throw a bitch fit to the media. I wish they would both keep this shit behind closed doors.

And finally to last nights game. I missed the first 2 periods and most of the 3rd because it decided to rain in Arizona. While the media was sensationalizing the impending storm, I laughed and remembered trekking through feet of snow on my way to class at MSU. But soon I realized that 5 inches of rain the desert can flood my backyard to the point where I needed to dig a drainage ditch. And by me, I mean I asked my husband. So mother nature fucked my hockey night, but I did get to see the shoot out....and yes, when Miller came up, my immediate thought was, this is what the season has fucking come to. And when he scored, I cheered, laughed, annoyed my mud soaked husband, and felt an uncontrollable need to sing the MSU fight song, chipmunk voice and all. Great to see the Wings win. Crossing my fingers and toes they can take that momentum into the game on Saturday.