Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Oh course it's not a preview

I had every intention of writing a detailed, thorough, analytical, overall intelligent preview of the upcoming season. But then I remembered who I am and how impossible that might be. Especially considering how rusty I am since my month long hiatus. So instead I compiled what started off as a wish list, morphed into a series of predictions, and finished as a cluster fuck of thoughts. So ummmm enjoy. Hopefully I'll have an actual preview before training camp.

  1. Corey Perry gets completely Kronwalled, and yes I meant that
  2. Mickey Redmond finally swears on television and it happens to be while interviewing Bettman and calling him a fucking evil puppet master
  3. Larry Murphy becomes so confused and irate over the joke that is the NHL officiating that he screams something incomprehensible or outright hilarious (think "I've been speared") while pulling out the flask he hides in his Donald Trump inspired hair.
  4. Someone is actually able to understand Homer in an interview
  5. Lidstrom wins the Norris and a new award created by the media officially called "Lidstrom is a Hockey God" all in hopes of formally apologizing for their royal fuck up last year. Oh and the league actually spells his name right during the marketing masterpiece that is the NHL Awards
  6. The Eurotwins are officially reunited and defensemen league wide immediately and uncontrollably wet their hockey pants
  7. Johnny Ericsson grows 4 inches over the summer causing the league to officially place a height limit on all Red Wing players
  8. Filppula final reveals the mystery of his glorious golden locks. The secret, he steals the souls of hockey virgins. What else could cause that glow?
  9. Williams manages to not cry or bitch about anything for 2 months
  10. Datsyuk literally makes a goalie cry. I'm interested to hear possible candidates
  11. The Wings of course win the Central Division, again. Dale Tallon secretly laughs
  12. Chicago chokes on their own expectations
  13. Leino learned what backchecking was over the summer
  14. Dan Cleary is named captain of team Canada and bathes in Sidney Crosby's tears
  15. Maltby scores 30 goals, yeah the Wings are really firing on all cylinders
  16. Darren Helm takes on the Chicago PP units 1 on 5, twice, and scores one goal and an assist. Yeah I'm not quite sure how that happens
  17. I never have to hear the term Red Wing and busted nut in the same sentence again
  18. Holland signs Lidstrom to a 16 year front loaded contract extension while at the same time selling Hudler's soul (I think they technically still own it) to ensure he performs at his current level for the remaining years of his contract
  19. The Wings regain their 2008 defensive form
  20. I no longer cringe during a PK but instead once again laugh at the inferiority of other teams PP
  21. The Avalanche still suck
  22. Someone, anyone, accidentally calls the BJs, the blow jobs in a interview. I don't know I guess I have a teenagers sense of humor
  23. All other GMs finally admit defeat and officially declare Holland as the best GM in the league.
  24. The Avalanche are still Franzen's bitches
  25. The city of Windsor has officially cancelled plans to build a wall protecting it's borders from arrant Samuelsson shots now that we no longer have him as offical team whipping boy
  26. With Pronger out of the Western Conference, players heads are 83% safer
  27. A full season of Helm, Leino, and Ericsson....yes that shake of the ground is the tremble of fear from other NHL teams and fans

Essentially we all get to sit back, watch, and enjoy the genius that is Ken Holland, the swagger of Babcock, and the mother fucking talent that is the Detroit Red Wings. Damn. We certainly are lucky fans.

Oh and did I mention, watching them win number 12. Let's Go Wings.

5 comments:

  1. Q: Datsyuk literally makes a goalie cry. I'm interested to hear possible candidates.

    A: Jonas Hiller - I hate that little bastard.


    Q: Filppula final reveals the mystery of his glorious golden locks. The secret, he steals the souls of hockey virgins. What else could cause that glow?

    A: God of Thunder....and Rock 'n Roll......the spell you're under.....will slowly rob you of your virgin soul


    Q: The Avalanche still suck

    A: Yes, they do


    Q: The city of Windsor has officially cancelled plans to build a wall protecting it's borders from arrant Samuelsson shots now that we no longer have him as offical team whipping boy

    A: We didn't call him William Tell for nothin'


    Q: Essentially we all get to sit back, watch, and enjoy the genius that is Ken Holland, the swagger of Babcock, and the mother fucking talent that is the Detroit Red Wings. Damn. We certainly are lucky fans.

    A: I raise a toast to you - we are the luckiest fans in the WORLD.

    -----------------------------------------

    Do not forget that we beat a Quennville led team senseless AGAIN.

    Peace!

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  2. Immediately think of Marty Turco as a candidate for Datsyuk tears.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH08Kvwu9Og

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  3. Dats makes Jimmy Howard cry in practice while he works on new shootout moves. He tries to apologize, but nobody can understand a single word that he says.

    Howard is consequently sent to Grand Rapids.

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  4. Crosby eats a Ponger elbow. He remains injured until their next match-up vs. the Flyers. This repeatedly happens throughout the year, as well as, the rest of Pronger's career.

    And yes, Datsyuk makes Huet cry and helps him realize he cannot goal-tend in the NHL, this is also the reason Chicago chokes on their own expectations.

    ReplyDelete