Oh course it's not a preview

I had every intention of writing a detailed, thorough, analytical, overall intelligent preview of the upcoming season. But then I remembered who I am and how impossible that might be. Especially considering how rusty I am since my month long hiatus. So instead I compiled what started off as a wish list, morphed into a series of predictions, and finished as a cluster fuck of thoughts. So ummmm enjoy. Hopefully I'll have an actual preview before training camp.

1. Corey Perry gets completely Kronwalled, and yes I meant that
2. Mickey Redmond finally swears on television and it happens to be while interviewing Bettman and calling him a fucking evil puppet master
3. Larry Murphy becomes so confused and irate over the joke that is the NHL officiating that he screams something incomprehensible or outright hilarious (think "I've been speared") while pulling out the flask he hides in his Donald Trump inspired hair.
4. Someone is actually able to understand Homer in an interview
5. Lidstrom wins the Norris and a new award created by the media officially called "Lidstrom is a Hockey God" all in hopes of formally apologizing for their royal fuck up last year. Oh and the league actually spells his name right during the marketing masterpiece that is the NHL Awards
6. The Eurotwins are officially reunited and defensemen league wide immediately and uncontrollably wet their hockey pants
7. Johnny Ericsson grows 4 inches over the summer causing the league to officially place a height limit on all Red Wing players
8. Filppula final reveals the mystery of his glorious golden locks. The secret, he steals the souls of hockey virgins. What else could cause that glow?
9. Williams manages to not cry or bitch about anything for 2 months
10. Datsyuk literally makes a goalie cry. I'm interested to hear possible candidates
11. The Wings of course win the Central Division, again. Dale Tallon secretly laughs
12. Chicago chokes on their own expectations
13. Leino learned what backchecking was over the summer
14. Dan Cleary is named captain of team Canada and bathes in Sidney Crosby's tears
15. Maltby scores 30 goals, yeah the Wings are really firing on all cylinders
16. Darren Helm takes on the Chicago PP units 1 on 5, twice, and scores one goal and an assist. Yeah I'm not quite sure how that happens
17. I never have to hear the term Red Wing and busted nut in the same sentence again
18. Holland signs Lidstrom to a 16 year front loaded contract extension while at the same time selling Hudler's soul (I think they technically still own it) to ensure he performs at his current level for the remaining years of his contract
19. The Wings regain their 2008 defensive form
20. I no longer cringe during a PK but instead once again laugh at the inferiority of other teams PP
21. The Avalanche still suck
22. Someone, anyone, accidentally calls the BJs, the blow jobs in a interview. I don't know I guess I have a teenagers sense of humor
23. All other GMs finally admit defeat and officially declare Holland as the best GM in the league.
24. The Avalanche are still Franzen's bitches
25. The city of Windsor has officially cancelled plans to build a wall protecting it's borders from arrant Samuelsson shots now that we no longer have him as offical team whipping boy
26. With Pronger out of the Western Conference, players heads are 83% safer
27. A full season of Helm, Leino, and Ericsson....yes that shake of the ground is the tremble of fear from other NHL teams and fans

Essentially we all get to sit back, watch, and enjoy the genius that is Ken Holland, the swagger of Babcock, and the mother fucking talent that is the Detroit Red Wings. Damn. We certainly are lucky fans.

Oh and did I mention, watching them win number 12. Let's Go Wings.