You Must Be 3 and Up to Play With Your Poop

In my last post I mentioned both Todd Bertuzzi's salary as well as Brett Lebda's horribly inflated new pay check. Rob, in the comments section pointed out that if Lebda is making 1.45 million then you have to pay Bertuzzi 1.5. Whether this point was in jest or not, its worth looking into because let's be honest, what else can we possibly discuss. So thank you Rob.

Bertuzzi was signed to 1.5 before anyone even considered paying Lebda with anything more than a Big Mac and industrial sized toe nail clippers. In fact, prior to his signing I was absolutely convinced that anyone willing to sign him for more than 850,000 also probably thought Poopy Time Fun Shapes would be the next big thing.

But then Burke went and overpaid for what the Wings deemed an unnecessary spare part. An inconsistent, defensive liability, coming off a down year, in Toronto is apparently worth 1.45. But in this new cap world, overpaying one player can substantially increase the value of another. For better or worse it's a reasonable point.

In all honesty, 1.5 million for Bertuzzi actually isn't a horrible price. I was hoping for 1.2, but obviously Holland and the rest of the Wings brain trust know exactly what they're doing. I'm just not a fan of Bertuzzi. I'm not a fan of his often inconsistent play and inconsistent effort. And I'm sure as hell sick of him haunting my dreams at night threatening to rape my dog. So on that note, let's take a peek at all the other things we could get for 1.5 million dollars.

1,376,146 McDonald's Double Cheeseburgers (from the dollar menu accounting for the lovely new 9% tax in AZ)

88,495 Chia Pets (Not including shipping and handling)

21,739 Billy The Big Mouth Bass (It's a sad state of affairs when a talking, wall mounted Bass, still costs $69 after all these years on the market)

75,000 Clappers (Not to be confused with the clap)

78,947 Thigh Masters (Suzanne Summers not included)

21,739 Rejuvenique Masks (I honestly have no idea what the fuck that is. I can't listen to the sound at work, but something just seems so wrong)

100,000 Snuggies (Not to be confused with 100,000 Jersey Shore Snookies. We could probably get double the amount of Snookies)

Anyone willing to take one of the above options over Detroit's own unibomber? For fucks sake this off season has been long, slow, and increasingly painful. Mike Modano needs to make a fucking decision so I have something else to write about. Things are slow when Poopy Time Fun Shapes, Snookie, and Rejuvenique are mentioned in the same post.

Holy Shit It's Already July

Where the hell has the summer gone? I turn around and it's July 15th, it's 115 degrees outside, and we've been without hockey since May. I think I nearly forgot I had a blog until my slightly crazed and eccentric coworker asked our manager if she "has a bee in her bonnet." For some very odd reason, that triggered my memory. Don't ask the mind is a mysterious thing and in any event, this encouraged me to try my best to remember my blogger password and sign back on. I then realized my last post was from May 25th and was about Yzerman leaving the Wings....yeah it's been awhile.

But work has slowed down and life is beginning to return to normal, so I figured I'd give this whole blogging thing a go, once again.

During my prolong absence a lot has happened. Good, bad, strange, and in between. Below is my out of order, and as always, random recap of Red Wings news over the last month and a half. Feel free to fill in anything I've missed.

• Lidstrom signs a one year contract with the Wings. Apparently the reverse psychology I pulled on the universe and the hockey gods by repeatedly claiming he wasn't coming back, has worked. That or the daily pleading and begging. Either way, after Yzerman leaving it was good to have Lidstrom return.
• Jimmy of course did not win the Calder Trophy. This was either a direct result of pure ageism by the media, or their utter distance for man boobs. Either way, we did learn that Mark Wahlberg is completely devoid of humor both sober and drunk.
• Patrick Kane looks like an undersized frat boy with or without the vanullet (mullet/vanilla ice hair do)
• Kirk Maltby is close to a one year deal. He is not close to a one year deal. Kovalchuck is in talks with the Wings, he is not in talk with the Wings. It's like a fucking high school cafeteria on twitter right now. The rumors have been in full force this year.
• Toronto signs Lebda to a 1.5 million dollar contract AFTER the KHL passes up on him for being too expensive. I've now decided to throw my 6 pound runt of a dog into the free agent mix. If Lebda went for 1.5, I'm sure she could pull in a cool million.
• We also learned that Gary makes over 7 million a year. The question remains, which GM helped structure that contract? Burke or Tallon or some evil combination of both? They seem to enjoy overpaying for undersized, under performing pompous ass holes.
• Filppula's brother signed with the Wings. Women and men everywhere are now confused on which golden Finn to root for.
• Mike Modano may sign with the Wings. And aside from the Internet arguments taking place around this subject, we have learned he may not come to Detroit because of his wife's career. Apparently he's married to Willa Ford. If she were to come to Michigan with him, how would the world survive without more shitastic music like "I Wanna Be Bad?"
• Bob Probert passed away. I'm still in shock.
• Bertuzzi, Eaves, Miller and Meech are all signed. Apparently Bertuzzi is worth 1.5 million....yet another sign for those keeping count that the world may in fact be coming to an end.
• The cap has officially dick slapped Chicago. And I'm enjoying every single minute.
• There was a "Cooking with Kirk Maltby" extravaganza at Meijer. I miss Meijer. Not many places in Arizona where you can buy bulk gummy candy, lighter fluid, steering wheels, and boxed wine all in one place

What a strange and slightly fucked up off season it's been. But at least we're not forced to grab our ankles and bend over ala Chicago style. We can take solace in that. Hopefully I'll be back to posting semi regularly. And hopefully the Modano nonsense is resolved and Helm and Abby are signed. Not much longer and hockey will be back.

All the Best, Captain

It feels like an end of an era. Steve Yzerman will be leaving Detroit after 27 years. 27 years. That's longer than many of us have been alive. It's a statement to the standard of class, hard work, loyalty, and commitment he placed on himself, his teammates, and the future of the Detroit Red Wings.

Yes it's heart breaking and stomach turning for us to see Stevie Y move on. Sure I have a lump in my throat larger than during the live birth video I witnessed last night with my sister in law at her birthing and breathing class. And yes we all question why the hockey gods are continuing to fuck with us. In what world do we lose Steve Yzerman to Tampa Bay and still have to endure Pierre McGuire broadcasts. Is there more mercy?

But at the same time, we all knew it was coming. Did we expect it this soon, of course not. But Yzerman has made no secret of his wish to move on and run his own team. The opportunity was not yet available in Detroit, so all we can do is wish him the best on his new adventure. But hey, what's saying that his path will never lead him back to the Red Wings?

Steve Yzerman set the standard of a what a leader ought to be. He taught Wings fans and hundreds of other kids, what an athlete should be. What sportsmanship, dedication, and self sacrifice was. Lessons and legacies no amount of writing will ever do justice.

This could be a tough off season for Wings faithful. No Conference Final. No Stanley Cup Final. Yzerman is moving on and there is still a distinct possibility that Lidstrom will choose to retire. But rest assured. The Captain has left us a future we can be proud of. I remember last season while we all watched and waited for Holland to re-sign Zetterberg. We wanted confirmation and a promise that the future captain would be locked up long term. And you may remember, Zetterberg stated that he finally made his decision after speaking with who else, but Steve Yzerman. After Yzerman reminded him what a special team Detroit was and how rare and unique it is to play for the same team your entire career. Yzerman helped ensured a future of hard work, determination, and class for the Red Wings organization.

So while Stevie Y is leaving the comfy confines of the only hockey family he has known, he has left us many gifts and promises of hope. We have his past, the present, and he's helped to ensure the Wings and their fans will be strong in the future.

What more can any of us say, but thank you Steve Yzerman. Thank you and best of luck. The Wings and their fans could not be prouder or more lucky to call you The Captain.

Please Don't Go

Yep, hockey is still over for Red Wings fans. News has been of the depressing variety over the last week. First we have Lidstrom Gate where we all watch and debate whether or not he is coming back. Every sentence is analyzed to the 10th degree. He mentions he likes Michigan Hot Dogs...so we determine he's staying. We hear some story about how he still considers Sweden home, so he's leaving. Back and forth, back and forth our emotions are toyed with. I honestly feel like a high school girl again, sitting at the lunch table debating with my friends, do you think he likes me? Enough already. I can't believe this shit is going to go on for weeks. Just please come back. Please.

And if the emotional toll from Lidstrom Gate wasn't enough, I also had the distinct pleasure of watching Chicago beat San Jose. Jesus Christ you fucking idiotic Sharks. Pull your dicks out of your mouths and beat Chicago. For fucks sake I have NEVER wanted a team that eliminated the Wings to make it to the Finals so badly. I cannot even begin to fathom the possibility of Chicago making it to the finals. Because mark my words, the team from the West is going to win this bitch. No questions asked. Done. And I cannot spend an entire season listening to how baby brother is the new King of the central division and how they "dethroned" the "Dead Things." I can't. So San Jose needs to do something right. That waste of space, piece of shit, whinny Joe Thornton needs to act like a fucking leader and crush Chicago. Because I'm not ready to see 20 cent lift Lord Stanley's Cup.

Anywho, Moving on from my rant regarding Chicago and back to Lidstrom Gate. I know most people in the organization and outside think he's coming back. And I hope they're right. My gut is telling me he's not coming back but that could just be indigestion. So instead of speculating, I'm going to once again turn to something solid and realistic, AOL Horoscopes.

Below is his horoscope for today. Let's see if it gives us any insight into his decision making process:

Pleasure calls today as your key planet Venus is over-stimulated by opulent Jupiter, luring you to accept the second helping of dessert, even if you are already full. The idea of luxuriating in delight could turn your need for satisfaction into gluttony or greed. Think about how much is actually enough, for even if you are happily enjoying yourself, overdoing it could create difficulties sooner than you realize.

My Take: Well after having read that nonsense a few times to try and put some sort of hockey spin on it, here's what I came up with. He's enjoying his off time off to a great degree (yeah not good for us) although the stars are trying to warn him that perhaps retirement and lounging around is not what he should be doing yet. He could be creating issues for himself with too much relaxation. The stars are clearly saying he should play hockey for another 2 years. At a discounted rate of course.

Yeah, that was a stretch, but it's all I got. I hate the off season.

And the Long Summer Begins

And so it has ended. I realize I'm very delayed with this post, but work, being under the weather, and a variety of other life commitments have forced me to put this off. Not to mention I was still letting everything sink in. But here is my delayed and now irrelevant post.

I was sad when the Wings lost. Obviously disappointed. But not to the degree I have been in the past. After the free agent cluster fuck of last year (yes Jiri Hudler I'm looking at you) and the massive joke of injuries this season, I think deep down we all knew this wasn't the Wings year. Most of us didn't want to say it. There was something dirty and icky about uttering those words out loud. Like when you first start realizing the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause aren't real. You're afraid to admit it out of fear you might be wrong. Out of fear that if they are real, your presents won't be delivered. So you tease yourself and expect the most. But we had to know, it just wasn't meant to be.

This year the Wings overcame a great deal:

Folding new, young, inexperienced players into the line up

Torn ACLs

Broken Legs

Free agent deflections. How will they ever overcome the loss of Kopecky?

Fucked up MCLs

Concussions

Brett Lebda

Bad Backs

Rookie goaltending and a Chris Osgood melt down

Separated Shoulders

Sophomore slumps

Broken Wrists

The Olympics

And the list goes on and on and on. People are saying the Wings Dynasty is over. That it's come to an end. Like giddy school girls who just talked to their crush, Red Wings haters across the NHL are giggling and trying not to piss themselves with excitement. But I have this to say. If during a known transition year, the Red Wings can overcome even half of that list, and still manage a 102 point season, a fifth seed in the competitive Western Conference, and make it to the second round, well that to me is how a Dynasty would handle a transition year. How they would handle adversity. I'd like to see any other team deal with those factors and come out better and set for the next year.

What I'm trying to say in a horribly mixed up and drunken ramble is I am proud of this team. I am proud they made it into the playoffs for the 19th consecutive season. I'm proud they had another year of over 100 points. I'm proud they admitted the teams short comings and promises to improve next year. And I'm especially proud, that during game 4 at the Joe, against San Jose, they did not sit back and wait for the loss, they fought hard and demonstrated what is sure to come next year. I'm proud of this team.

And now with the season over we begin to anticipate next year. Sure it's farther away than usual, but perhaps that's a good thing.

It gives Holland a little more wiggle room before July 1st.

It gives players with two consecutive Stanley Cup Finals appearances a longer, and much deserved break

Clearly we can see in the picture below the massive amount of PKs and playoff stress have turned Miller fully gray. Well now he has time to perfect his shade of Just for Men.

The seasons over but as Red Wings fans we have so much to be proud of and so much to look forward to. As Mike Babcock said, they still did better than 22 other teams. And in a transition year, that's pretty damn good.

I'll be posting more this summer. But I just wanted to say a quick thanks to anyone who managed to stop by my blog this season. I award you an honorary gold star for your attempts to decipher my ramblings.

And I'll end with this, while my gut tells me he will retire, Nick Lidstrom, please stay at least one more year. Pretty please.

It's All About The Mule

Holy Fuck what was that? And where the hell did playoff Mule come from? You know what, I don't even care, I'm just thrilled that big son of a bitch showed up at the perfect time. 4 goals from Franzen, a natural hat trick over a span of 3:26 well that alone should have made my night. But the Wings weren't done yet as they decided to shove that broom the Sharks and their fans were waving around a little farther up their collective anal cavity with a decisive 7-1 win. Mmmmhmm that win felt good.

But as we know, it was only one win and the Wings need to keep taking it game by game. Keep the intensity level up. But before we look ahead, below are a few random thoughts about the game to relish in. (Let me apologize in advance as this recap will be a bit more shoddy than normal. I watched the game at a bar with a friend, FYI this beautiful bar has Center Ice, so my "focus" was often interrupted by both the other patrons as well as the alcohol I was consuming.)

• I was all sorts of nervous when the game began. Despite the fact that AOL Horoscopes gave me the best collective set of predictions, I had a weird uncomfortable pit in my stomach. So when Karen Newman was singing the National Anthem, all I could think of was, damn, I hope I have more to write about tomorrow than the obscene size of her belt buckle. No really, its bothered me for awhile. I swear to baby Jesus, each game, her tacky rhinestone cowboy belt buckles get bigger. I know I am alienating any men that read this blog, but for fucks sake woman, it's not 1985, and I promise, no matter what anyone says, acid wash jeans are never coming back.
• Alrighty, moving along. The sharks had a few good opportunities at the beginning of the first but after that it was all Red Wings. They were so on that even when Ericsson decided to pinch yet again, causing ANOTHER 2 on 1 situation, it was defended beautifully. But really, I thought he would have learned his lesson after the OT clusterfuck he caused on Tuesday. Will nothing get through this kids head?
• And then the Mule showed up. I was looking at the live blog over at A2Y and there was mention of Uncle Mike giving Franzen more than a Babcockian stare and adding a little dash of benching to get some sort of point across. I didn't notice, but those observant bitches over there catch everything. And if Uncle Mike tore Franzen a new one, thank you. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. It clearly worked. Because soon after he assisted (was the result of) the Bertuzzi goal and since he decided that just wasn't enough, he proceeded to score 4 more goals.
• Yeah Babcock clearly needs to screw with Franzen's head more often. I think he's already started the process. Last night the only significant comment he made regarding Mule's game was something along the lines of, "It would have been nice to have in Game 1."
• The other goals of the game were scored by Bertuzzi, Rafalski, and Filppula. So Clearly the new line of Bert, Z, and Mule seems to be clicking, if you want to get all technical and shit.
• Unfortunately it wasn't a shut out for James. The Sharks managed to score on a 5 on 3, but at that point, it had as much of an effect as pissing in the ocean. Clearly the Sharks seem dependent on the 5 on 3 to score goals this series. Which come on, that's like a parent standing up and cheering for kicking their 5 year olds ass in Boggle.
• If the Wings can win Game 5 and force the Sharks to a Game 6, I am dedicated to creating an entire game recap just using Mickey and John Keating quotes. No really. While watching the game at a bar is entertaining, I missed hearing Mickey and Ken. And I hate that I missed Keating talking to Bertuzzi about his muscular thighs. Somewhere Andres Lilja wis breathing a massive sigh of relief.
• Darren Helm is a bad ass. Normally that would be enough said, but his play last night warrants a greater mention. He just consistently works hard, no matter what. On a pp the Wings were up 6-1 and he was still diving for pucks. While killing penalties he had a few short handed chances. If the kid was able to sell his soul for goals, he would have had a few last night. A Wing for life.
• And Justin Abdelkader. Well that kid really has a special ability to piss people off. Can't wait to see him full time with the Wings next year. He just keeps getting better and better.
• Joe Thornton is a douche bag. I've never liked the guy and after the "leadership" he displayed last night, I wash my hands of that big moron. Seriously, I'd rather take a 3 day old half eaten tuna fish sandwich on the team then Thornton. He went after Homers head, Zetterbergs head, and even Nick Lidstrom. Who goes after Nick Lidstrom?? I'll tell you who, a gonorrhea infected vagina like Thornton does. Many of the Sharks decided to act like the Ducks or the Flames in the third and I just don't understand that. The Wings have been spanked many times, and I'm proud to say I've never seen them goon it up.
• And this leads to my next point, Thornton calling out the Wings for diving. Wow Joe. That's quite a claim after the shit your teams been pulling. Besides, I thought it was moving your feet and not diving...hmmmm
• While at the bar my friend decided to leave me on my own to hit on some blonde at the bar. Normally I wouldn't give a shit, but she was wearing a Thornton San Jose shirt, so yeah .... But while he was off Shark hunting I met some very cool Wings fans in Phoenix and just wanted to point out how awesome this fan base is. Great people with great hockey knowledge.
• The only negative from last nights game was the Stuart injury. Of course Babbles said he would play, and I just hope that's the truth. The last thing this poor old heart needs is to watch Ericsson play a massive amount of minutes.

Great game over all by this team. They came out strong and put forth a solid 60 minute effort. I strongly believe that San Jose underestimated the Wings. That they forgot their first 3 victories were by small margins and assumed they'd wrap this bitch up in 4. The Wings had other ideas.

San Jose won't lie down so easily on Saturday and the Wings MUST bring this level of intensity again, if they hope to play another day.

LGRW.

The Stars Are Back

I took yesterday off to regroup. To reflect on what just happened, hoping that today I'd have something insightful, meaningful, and thought provoking to write. But I soon realized this blog hardly ever contains those qualities so fuck it.

I don't want to talk about Tuesday and I don't care if that's wrong, lame, or lazy. I just don't want to and I can be stubborn as hell, so I won't. I'm not pissed off at the Wings, I'm a little disappointed, but I love this team too much to bitch and moan about anyone not named Ericsson and Williams. (But seriously, after Game 3, those two can go and fuck themselves with a curling iron.)

Today's game 4, and we all have to accept the possibility that tonight could be the last Wings game of the season. Yes they could come back and win it all...but a loss is a possibility and it makes me sad. Damn I hate being a realist. So all I will say, I hope to baby Jesus, Buddha, God and all the others that tonight is not Nick Lidstroms last game. That this season is not his last season. The end. I can't bring myself to say anything more about that topic, corporate America tends to look down on people crying and convulsing at work.

I'm not mentally prepared to do a pregame, so I'm going to revert back to something I promised I had stopped. Out of pure time constraints, aka laziness, I ended the horoscope feature after the Game 2 loss. But today it's back. Previously I had cherry picked the good horoscopes, the ones that made me feel warm and fuzzy about a Detroit win. Not today. Today I'm looking at just "the best players" as Babcock would say and we're taking it as is. Even if that means up the butt. So here we go.

Player: Pavel Datsyuk

Sign: Cancer

Horoscope: You may not be happy about a complex situation in your immediate environment, but there's no apparent way for you to avoid it. Still, you aren't eager to talk about your feelings because you fear that your words will be taken the wrong way. Don't say anything that could complicate things even further; your silence won't make the problem go away, but at least it won't make it any worse.

My Take: Well I think we all know what the fucking problem is. Being down 3-0 to the Sharks doesn't send rainbows out any of our asses. But talking about the situation isn't going to solve it. Obviously the AOL stars let us know we have a pissed off, unhappy Dangle Dangle on our hands. And I hope he can find a way to rectify the situation.

Player: Johan Franzen

Sign: Capricorn

Horoscope: It's natural for you to strive for excellence, even if only to avoid harsh judgments from others. But you have more than approval now riding on your success. There may be financial considerations at play, motivating you to demonstrate your considerable skills. However, you could become inhibited if you take yourself too seriously today, so aim high and trust that your best effort will be appreciated.

My Take: It's been rough for Johan Franzen throughout both series. I'm the first to admit I've bitched about him and even created a milk carton campaign to find Playoff Mule of the past. But in reality, considering the injury he's had to deal with, we can't complain. I'm sure he feels the immense pressure, but if he can mentally over come that and just play his best (probably 80% right now) we should begin to see some positive results. I like this one.

Player: Henrik Zetterberg

Sign: Libra

Horoscope: You may be proud of your social networking skills, yet you still might feel like an outsider today. You want to be accepted by others, yet you choose to do things that demonstrate your independence rather than thinking with a group mentality. Don't be afraid to dance to the beat of your own drum. However, consider the consequences of your non-conformist activities before you undermine the progress you have already made.

My Take: Alright this one is really going to have to be stretched to make it apply. First ignore the social networking section. For some reason I just don't see Zetterberg with a blog ala the Swedish Meatball. So I'm going to take it this direction; "Z" needs to break through the shackles and expectations and simply play his game. Follow his instincts, his "own drum" and lead the Wings onto a victory. Beat the Sharks with those fucking brooms they're waving around. See, we can manipulate anything.

Player: Nick Lidstrom

Sign: Taurus

Horoscope: Although you may be required to respond to a stressful situation at work, you also need to carve out some personal time for yourself. Your motivation for a bit of peace and quiet now is not for relaxation; instead, you want to think about what's coming up for you in the future. Unfortunately, with your current job-related pressures, you'll need to schedule a mini-retreat away from it all. Fortunately, even an hour or so should be enough to reconnect with your dreams.

My Take: The stars are seriously fucking with us, right? Prepare yourselves, I'm about to revert to a high school girl, but OMG this is spot on boys and girls. Spot freaking on. Holy crap does he have pressure at work. And holy crap does he have a lot to think about regarding his future.(shudder) Apparently he needs to take that hour, focus, re fall in love with the game of hockey, and most of all remember the little boy from back in Sweden playing on an outdoor ice rink. If he does that, he'll realize he doesn't want this season to end, and he sure as hell doesn't want this to be the last year he plays for the Red Wings. No really, he'll figure that out because my fragile nerves can't take any other scenario. If we've learned anything about Lidstrom over the past 19 or so years, aside from the fact that he is the perfect human, it's that he responds to pressure packed situations. This horoscope brightens my day.

Alright, after that bizarro Lidstrom horoscope, I'm spent. I've got nothing more than LGRW.