Put Down The Urine

So this year has been a "cutefest" (I'm choosing to reinterpret the meaning of cutefest to shitfest) of work, work, more work, and work. This has left me unable to watch more Red Wings games then I can to share and the ones I have been able to enjoy, I either miss the first period, or leave during the third and have to catch up on my DVR. Which never seems to fucking work because I'm as bad as a kid who finds all of their Christmas presents early....I can't wait for the surprise and I need to find out the score.

Well anyway, the last 3 games I have been able to catch in their entirety. Yes, I admit it, the last three. Now you may be quick to point out how I'm now bad luck or a game wrecker, or blah blah blah. It's cool, others have already shared those sentiments with me rather loudly, I'm a big girl, I can take it. But I have a different, much more scientific explanation for you....

And it all stems from that handsome devil at the top of the post....yes the guru of all things good and bad, George Lopez. (golf claps)

Now on one of my recent nights propped up in front of my lap top sustaining myself on espresso and oreos (classy) I became very interested in an episode of the George Lopez show. Now hold your judgement, while not normally a fan, it was late, I was hopped up on sugar and caffeine, and as a result, my judgement became similar to that of a 12 year old. Anyway, this particular episode focused on his mother vigorously rubbing pee on his face and insulting him daily because she believed if you praised something the evil eye would take it away. No not that eye, the evil eye.

Now hold on, I know you probably want to dive into the complexities of that beyond brilliant episode, but this is a Wings blog so lets round this out and bring it back to the Wings shall we? In recent weeks every "hockey expert," every "closet" Wings hater, every blogger in his mommy's basement (why not call it a cozy private apartment?) have been bemoaning how great the Wings are. Yes every compliment may have pierced their soul while simultaneously allowing an angel to gain its Wings (Red Wings), but they had no fucking choice...the Wings were (and are) that good. And now the evil eye, no I said evil eye, came around to smite the Wings. Perhaps the ever brilliant (cough cough sarcasm) Lambert from Puck Daddy viewed the recent George Lopez episode and began a campaign to collectively fuck with the Wings? If you're a fan of another team, you had to try something.

But no matter what's happened. Whether we like it or not, the Wings are in a MINOR slump. MINOR. I don't think it's time to begin rubbing our own urine on our faces or brushing our teeth with some other sort of body excrement (never recommended) because you and I both know they'll pull through this just fine on their own.

So in the mean time, just sit back, and wait for the haters to come, enjoy it, reveal in it. Because it's good to be a Wings fan.

And since it's the season of child like wonder, if you're looking for a reason to smile and and reconfirm the world is a good place, just remember how happy Murph was because it was dollar hot dog night....it's the little things...

Fuck You October

That's right. I've officially decided to give the middle finger to October. I'm done with you. Yes Halloween is at the end of the month and it's the start of fall and the end of 100 plus temps, but fuck you October.

After a horrendous day at work, I finally am able to leave the office. Since my fridge only consisted of old sour cream and some expired/recalled eggs, I decided I should stop at the grocery store, pick up some food maybe a bottle of wine and head home to catch the last few periods of the Wings game.

So while in the grocery store, minding my own business, searching through the avocados hoping to find at least a few that don't look like a dried up donkey nuts, I receive this text message from a friend:

"Franzen, hit to the head, out."

Yep, definitely getting the bottle of wine. Fuck you October. Franzen, seems to have a knack for getting injured in "that month" (knees twice and now the head) and quite frankly his injuries and October seem to be seriously testing my sanity. No official word on his condition but the Mule says it's a concussion....so yeah no Franzen in Phoenix this Saturday. sigh.

As for the rest of the game, well let's just say the Wings looked about as good as Mike Ribeiro's mug shot.


Fuck you October.

There Goes the Perfect Season

Today was quite a busy day. Both in the Wing's world as well as at work. Which is why I didn't have the chance to post anything about the two huge pieces of Wings news earlier.

First and foremost, Kirk Maltby has decided to retire after a long, committed, and hardworking career as a Red Wing. Growing up he was always one of my favorite Wings. Mostly because he was a huge pain in the ass, like myself, and he thoroughly enjoyed irritating his opponents. But more than being the quintessential agitator, he was a huge part of the heart and soul of the Red Wings. A grinder, who had timely goals, and played an influential role in his 4 Stanley cups. A player who instilled this same work ethic, attitude, and loyalty into the next generation of Red Wings. Thank you Kirk Maltby and best of luck in your new role.

Secondly, we found out that Rafalski had his knee scoped and will be out the next 3-4 weeks. Certainly not the news we were looking to hear. I'd lie if I didn't admit to have night sweats and horrible flash backs to last year. When the season started, it was clear the forward lines were stacked and I would gladly put any of those lines up against any other team. But the defense had question marks. The top 4 were set, but then there's Ericsson and Kindl. Throw in the Rafalski and Ericsson injuries and the Wings get the heavy weight champ that is Janik. This could make for an interesting few weeks. But more on that later.

If you couldn't tell the title of my blog was incredibly sarcastic. One loss is no reason to panic. But it does show some holes in the defense and some areas the Wings could certainly improve upon. A team of that caliber shouldn't have issues with the fucking Colorado Avalanche.

But anywho, let's jump right into the post game recap:

• After once again rushing home to catch the game just in time, I turn on the allusive piece of crap that is Versus to catch Eddie O stating "This is a dynasty." No he wasn't talking about each and everyone of his overly coiffed hair follicles, he was in fact referring to the Wings. That smug bastard jinxed us...mother fucker.....
• Next Versus breaks to McCarty nearly chocking on live TV while attempting to make a funny about his time playing with Maltby. I've always been a McCarty fan and I'm happy to see he's doing something he enjoys, but I will not pretend that it's not difficult to watch at times.
• 2 1/2 minutes into the first period the Mule scores. Silly, cocky me, then settled into what I thought would be another good old fashion ass kicking.
• Through the first part of the first period, Kronwall was joining the rush at exactly the right time and Zetterberg and Datsyuk seemed to be clicking. My cocky attitude also began to rise.
• Cut to the Crosby commercial discussing his Penguins being a "dynasty".... what the fu....wait nevermind, that may be the most brilliant and perfect weight loss commercial ever.
• During the various Maltby clips (sometimes Versus does get it right) I quickly realized I'll never get to hear Mickey Redmond refer to Maltby as a "50 goal score in juniors." Now that is enough to make a grown girl cry. Sad.
• Janik gets into a "fight." It was so sad and so pathetic I actually feel bad making fun of him. Yes I feel bad....if you didn't see it that should tell you all you need to know.
• Then Colorado scores. But with Zetterberg and Datsyuk looking strong at the end of the first my high level of cocky is maintained.
• Filppula had a strong game. He made some nice plays, was shooting much more, and was strong on the puck. It's been a good start to the season for him. Please, please, please keep it up.
• Detroit gets a PP despite the "well informed" announcers going on and on about how it should have also been a highsticking penalty on the Wings. Did Modano's stick hit the face of a Colorado beauty? Sure did. In fact it did so at the very moment he was being hooked to the ice. So yes, shut the fuck up.
• Either way, Zetterberg and Datsyuk end the power play early with a beautiful Datsyuk redirect. Now that was Red Wings hockey folks.
• Soon after the Avs almost score if not for a big Howard save.
• The Perfect Human has a great 2 on 1 chance with Homer (who was rather invisible tonight) The play Lidstrom made is just another example of how he makes everything look so easy.
• Supposedly Filppula takes a penalty. I merely saw it as Colorado keeping up with their storied history of diving.
• Wings were out shot all night. However, they did make some good opportunities for themselves.
• My notes go from "Great save by Jimmy" to "Weak goal by Jimmy" and back again. The defense needs to tighten up and eliminate some of those chances.
• Franzen scores his second goal. What more can you possibly say about him?
• Hudler and Cleary had a few good scoring opportunities, but other than that the 3rd line struggled. They weren't clicking and they need to find some chemistry soon. If for no other reason but to prevent the other lines from getting shuffled around.
• It was 3-1 Wings at this point so when I hear the following "Detroit now playing THEIR possession game." I immediately feel that cocky feeling pick right back up despite less than stellar play from the Wings.

And then the third period came. Giveaways, poor defensive play, and some week goals gave Colorado an overtime victory. blah. It was uninspired and certainly not Red Wings hockey. But it was one game at the beginning of the season and I expect them to come back strong on Thursday. And especially Saturday, when they're here in Sunny Arizona and I get to watch them first hand kick some Coyote ass.

LGRW.

The Non-Recap

Unfortunately I missed the Wings beating Chicago on their banner raising night. I was at my friends, kids birthday party, eating cake, candy, and drinking beer. Yes it was strangely as delicious as it sounds. And in between avoiding death stares from Ohio State and Michigan fans (of course I was rocking the green and white) I had the "pleasure" of chatting with a Chicago Blackhawks "fan." The conversation went a little something like this: (PG for both the kids birthday and due to my lady like tendencies)

"Chi Fan:" Hello, are you from Michigan.

Me: Why yes I am, what possibly gave it away?

"Chi Fan:" Your Michigan State T-shirt

Me: Sigh

"Chi Fan:" So are you a Red Wings fan as well? Because I'm a HUGE Blackhawks fan.

Me: Yes I am, and I'm looking forward to watching the Wings kick your teams butt when I get home tonight

"Chi Fan:" Ohhhh it's starting already?! I didn't realize

Me: Seriously? You're joshing me right?(again with the PG) It's the night of their banner raising and I'm looking forward to the Wings tarnishing that with a little old fashion ass kicking.

"Chi Fan:" huh, I honestly forgot about that....for the Stanley Cup, right?

Yep. I wish I were fucking with you. I really wish I were surprised. But a self proclaimed HUGE Blackhawks fan seemed to not only forget the season starts in October, but also, somehow, failed to remember they won the Stanley Cup last year. That's not something you forget. At least not if you truly are a HUGE fan. But anyway, I watched the game Sunday afternoon and at this point, a recap seems pointless since everything has already been said.

Other than that we can now officially say goodbye to the Lilja we all knew and grew to tolerate/like. He's a Duck now so along with applying for a new work visa, he will apply for an Official Dirty Bitch card as well.

So long Lilja. It was nice while it lasted.

Oh yeah, and we have an additional 4 years of this. Awesome.

And That's How You Start a Season

Well, well, well that was quite a way to start the season, wasn't it? A Wings beat down, a Dangle fight, a Mickey Modano goal, and a Jimmy shut out. What more could we ask for?

I've been MIA for the last two months thanks to a series of work commitments, but with the season FINALLY starting again, I'll be back to blogging. But enough of that, let's jump right into the game recap with all its usual nonsense and jumbled, yes jumbled order.

• It's the first game of the season, I rush out of work, settle down with a beer, and prepare myself for 2 hours of uninterrupted hockey enjoyment. And then Gary bitch slaps me in the face, like the sneaky little leprechaun bastard he is. Because despite it being the WINGS home opener, I'm forced to watch the Ducks feed. Yep, that's right, no Mickey, no Ken, no drunken Larry, and sure as hell no Bernstein beauty. Let's just say it's a good thing I was full of sunshine and happiness on account of the season finally starting.
• Anyway, aside from my disappointment of missing the Wings feed the Ducks announcers weren't as bad as usual. Aside from a few awkward comments about Franzen giving some rough rides along the boards, they spent much of the first two periods drooling over the Red Wings....and I can appreciate that.
• I really missed watching Helm and Eaves. While they didn't necessarily do anything overtly spectacular, I missed watching a 4th line with that kind of speed and hustle.
• Franzen had the first goal of the season, officially announcing his return. Now can we sit him during tonight's game. You know since it's in Chicago, against the Hawks and all. I'm just being cautious.....
• 24 seconds after the Mule's goal, Mikey Modano scored his first goal as a Red Wing....quite a way to endure him self with the Wing's faithful.
• Filppula had a great game. Enough said.
• Just as I was commenting how great Cleary was playing now that he could comfortably walk and all, he took a high stick. Thanks to the anal probing injuries of last year I immediately and instinctively cringed. Luckily he was fine and my response was a mere overreaction.
• On a side note, I already fucking hate the new Center Ice Commercials. While I never expected to enjoy them, this is the NHL after all, their horrible quality and Crosby panty creaming never fails to surprise or disgust me. It's like they hired the same people that came up with this idea, to produce this amateur dribble. I need to lower my expectations.
• During the preseason I became concerned that Ericsson, so impressed with Lebda's contract, decided to fully take over all of his horrible habits and irritatingly bad decisions. But tonight, while paired with The Perfect Human he didn't bother me as much as usual. That could be because he lasted 6 whole shifts before leaving the game with back spasms....here's hoping he's ok, and here's really fucking hoping this injury is a fluke and not a sign of more to come....
• At the start of the second period Dangle Dangle and the future captain had a few good plays before Datsyuk capitalized on an awesome tip in....I knew I missed watching those two play together, but sometimes I forgot how much.
• Howard, while only facing 21 shots had to make a few big, key saves. While it was great to see Jimmy in form, it was concerning to see the turnovers of last year have also returned. Hopefully once the new defensive pairings play together more, the turnovers will diminish.
• At one point in the second period, Bertuzzi had an unexpected and uncharacteristic burst of speed during a rather impressive steal.
• And then the Duck's showed up. You know the typical and expected cheap shots to overcompensate for their lack of talent. The one time the Duck's announcers annoyed me was at this point when they bitched on and on about how the Duck's were "sending a message." What kind of fucking message would that be? That they don't belong on the same ice as the Red Wings? Because that I would agree with.
• I thought Cleary would be awarded the first no goal of the season. And for once I honestly felt like it would have been the correct call. But for some poorly explained and ill-conceived reason, Toronto called it a good goal...WHAT? First Bertuzzi with a burst of speed, the Duck's announcers popping a boner for the Wings, and now this? I'm pretty sure this will come back to haunt us in the future....You know Gary's little pea brain has a long memory and this act of "kindness" will not be forgotten.
• And then we get to the third period and the fight, possibly play of the season. And it happened in the season opener. Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be that kind of year. Fanfuckingtastic.
• After yet another scrum, Perry skates up to Datsyuk and gives him a cheap shot. And the Datsyuk fight begins. While I was both thrilled and not surprised to see Datsyuk stand up for himself, I was seriously ready to pee my pants every time Perry swung his dainty arms. Did I honestly think Perry could hurt anyone with those pathetic fists, no, but I kept having Lilja flashbacks with every swing. At one point my husband walks in and simply says, "oh is that Perry?" Being he's not much of a hockey fan I asked how he knew that was Perry. His awesome response, "He was pulling Datsyuk's hair at the end." That's right. Not only did Datsyuk win a fight against the 6'3'' Perry, but it has officially been confirmed that Perry fights like a middle school girl. Congratulations you piece of trash.

And at this point I had to leave. I missed the rest of the game but obviously knew the Wings would end their season opener with a win, and what a fantastic way to do so. Let's hope they can do the same tonight. Against the Hawks, during their banner raising, in front of their pathetic band wagon fans. The season's begun. Let's go Red Wings.

And in Shocking News....

Hey did you all hear, Mike Modano decided to sign with the Wings.

I know, shocking. I nearly fell out of my chair.

But apparently after some deep concentration:

Some chin propping pensive thought:

A few late night gab sessions with his bff:

And of course after the final ok from Gordon Bombay, Modano decided that if he wanted one more run at the cup, his best shot would be with the Wings. Thanks for making us wait until August for that.

And in other breaking, unexpected new from yesterday:

Levi and Bristol broke up, again

Brett Favre retired, again

Michelle Duggar would like a 20th baby...her uterus was last seen hitch hiking on the interstate

And Brett Favre unretires...oh wait sorry, not yet

Now I should stop before I get ahead of myself, nothing is official, yet. This shocking announcement took place after a texting session between Modano and St. James. Who knew that outside of Hollywood and middle school cafeterias, important decisions and news worthy moments are initially communicated through text. Evidently I'm out of the loop and not down with the 40 year old kids. But none-the-less a press conference is scheduled for Friday where Modano will make his long, and I do mean long, awaited announcement.

Now I'm not going to get into the debate of whether he took too long (he did) to decide or not. Whether this is good for the Wings or not. And I'm certainly not touching the issue of whether or not Willa Ford will now steal Kristin Bell's spot in the hearts of male Wings fans every where. At this point, Modano is on the team, and you have to like the 3rd line.

Quite frankly you have to like all 4 lines. It's an impressive line up and a clear improvement from last season. The question now remains, who will be the allusive 6th defensemen? Lilja has reportedly turned down a 1 million dollar offer, Twitter has been alive with suggestions of Mitchell, and Holland said he's fine going to training camp with what he has. I suppose it's a wait and see situation.

All we know for certain, Brett Lebda is gone, and Marty Turco is in Chicago. I'm feeling pretty good about the prospects of number 12.....

You Must Be 3 and Up to Play With Your Poop

In my last post I mentioned both Todd Bertuzzi's salary as well as Brett Lebda's horribly inflated new pay check. Rob, in the comments section pointed out that if Lebda is making 1.45 million then you have to pay Bertuzzi 1.5. Whether this point was in jest or not, its worth looking into because let's be honest, what else can we possibly discuss. So thank you Rob.

Bertuzzi was signed to 1.5 before anyone even considered paying Lebda with anything more than a Big Mac and industrial sized toe nail clippers. In fact, prior to his signing I was absolutely convinced that anyone willing to sign him for more than 850,000 also probably thought Poopy Time Fun Shapes would be the next big thing.

But then Burke went and overpaid for what the Wings deemed an unnecessary spare part. An inconsistent, defensive liability, coming off a down year, in Toronto is apparently worth 1.45. But in this new cap world, overpaying one player can substantially increase the value of another. For better or worse it's a reasonable point.

In all honesty, 1.5 million for Bertuzzi actually isn't a horrible price. I was hoping for 1.2, but obviously Holland and the rest of the Wings brain trust know exactly what they're doing. I'm just not a fan of Bertuzzi. I'm not a fan of his often inconsistent play and inconsistent effort. And I'm sure as hell sick of him haunting my dreams at night threatening to rape my dog. So on that note, let's take a peek at all the other things we could get for 1.5 million dollars.

1,376,146 McDonald's Double Cheeseburgers (from the dollar menu accounting for the lovely new 9% tax in AZ)

88,495 Chia Pets (Not including shipping and handling)

21,739 Billy The Big Mouth Bass (It's a sad state of affairs when a talking, wall mounted Bass, still costs $69 after all these years on the market)

75,000 Clappers (Not to be confused with the clap)

78,947 Thigh Masters (Suzanne Summers not included)

21,739 Rejuvenique Masks (I honestly have no idea what the fuck that is. I can't listen to the sound at work, but something just seems so wrong)

100,000 Snuggies (Not to be confused with 100,000 Jersey Shore Snookies. We could probably get double the amount of Snookies)

Anyone willing to take one of the above options over Detroit's own unibomber? For fucks sake this off season has been long, slow, and increasingly painful. Mike Modano needs to make a fucking decision so I have something else to write about. Things are slow when Poopy Time Fun Shapes, Snookie, and Rejuvenique are mentioned in the same post.