Bingo Bango

Put Down The Urine

2010-12-09T07:57:00.002-07:00

So this year has been a "cutefest" (I'm choosing to reinterpret the meaning of cutefest to shitfest) of work, work, more work, and work. This has left me unable to watch more Red Wings games then I can to share and the ones I have been able to enjoy, I either miss the first period, or leave during the third and have to catch up on my DVR. Which never seems to fucking work because I'm as bad as a kid who finds all of their Christmas presents early....I can't wait for the surprise and I need to find out the score.

Well anyway, the last 3 games I have been able to catch in their entirety. Yes, I admit it, the last three. Now you may be quick to point out how I'm now bad luck or a game wrecker, or blah blah blah. It's cool, others have already shared those sentiments with me rather loudly, I'm a big girl, I can take it. But I have a different, much more scientific explanation for you....

And it all stems from that handsome devil at the top of the post....yes the guru of all things good and bad, George Lopez. (golf claps)

Now on one of my recent nights propped up in front of my lap top sustaining myself on espresso and oreos (classy) I became very interested in an episode of the George Lopez show. Now hold your judgement, while not normally a fan, it was late, I was hopped up on sugar and caffeine, and as a result, my judgement became similar to that of a 12 year old. Anyway, this particular episode focused on his mother vigorously rubbing pee on his face and insulting him daily because she believed if you praised something the evil eye would take it away. No not that eye, the evil eye.

Now hold on, I know you probably want to dive into the complexities of that beyond brilliant episode, but this is a Wings blog so lets round this out and bring it back to the Wings shall we? In recent weeks every "hockey expert," every "closet" Wings hater, every blogger in his mommy's basement (why not call it a cozy private apartment?) have been bemoaning how great the Wings are. Yes every compliment may have pierced their soul while simultaneously allowing an angel to gain its Wings (Red Wings), but they had no fucking choice...the Wings were (and are) that good. And now the evil eye, no I said evil eye, came around to smite the Wings. Perhaps the ever brilliant (cough cough sarcasm) Lambert from Puck Daddy viewed the recent George Lopez episode and began a campaign to collectively fuck with the Wings? If you're a fan of another team, you had to try something.

But no matter what's happened. Whether we like it or not, the Wings are in a MINOR slump. MINOR. I don't think it's time to begin rubbing our own urine on our faces or brushing our teeth with some other sort of body excrement (never recommended) because you and I both know they'll pull through this just fine on their own.

So in the mean time, just sit back, and wait for the haters to come, enjoy it, reveal in it. Because it's good to be a Wings fan.

And since it's the season of child like wonder, if you're looking for a reason to smile and and reconfirm the world is a good place, just remember how happy Murph was because it was dollar hot dog night....it's the little things...

Fuck You October

2010-10-15T06:40:00.003-07:00

That's right. I've officially decided to give the middle finger to October. I'm done with you. Yes Halloween is at the end of the month and it's the start of fall and the end of 100 plus temps, but fuck you October.

After a horrendous day at work, I finally am able to leave the office. Since my fridge only consisted of old sour cream and some expired/recalled eggs, I decided I should stop at the grocery store, pick up some food maybe a bottle of wine and head home to catch the last few periods of the Wings game.

So while in the grocery store, minding my own business, searching through the avocados hoping to find at least a few that don't look like a dried up donkey nuts, I receive this text message from a friend:

"Franzen, hit to the head, out."

Yep, definitely getting the bottle of wine. Fuck you October. Franzen, seems to have a knack for getting injured in "that month" (knees twice and now the head) and quite frankly his injuries and October seem to be seriously testing my sanity. No official word on his condition but the Mule says it's a concussion....so yeah no Franzen in Phoenix this Saturday. sigh.

As for the rest of the game, well let's just say the Wings looked about as good as Mike Ribeiro's mug shot.

Fuck you October.

There Goes the Perfect Season

2010-10-12T19:37:00.003-07:00

Today was quite a busy day. Both in the Wing's world as well as at work. Which is why I didn't have the chance to post anything about the two huge pieces of Wings news earlier.

First and foremost, Kirk Maltby has decided to retire after a long, committed, and hardworking career as a Red Wing. Growing up he was always one of my favorite Wings. Mostly because he was a huge pain in the ass, like myself, and he thoroughly enjoyed irritating his opponents. But more than being the quintessential agitator, he was a huge part of the heart and soul of the Red Wings. A grinder, who had timely goals, and played an influential role in his 4 Stanley cups. A player who instilled this same work ethic, attitude, and loyalty into the next generation of Red Wings. Thank you Kirk Maltby and best of luck in your new role.

Secondly, we found out that Rafalski had his knee scoped and will be out the next 3-4 weeks. Certainly not the news we were looking to hear. I'd lie if I didn't admit to have night sweats and horrible flash backs to last year. When the season started, it was clear the forward lines were stacked and I would gladly put any of those lines up against any other team. But the defense had question marks. The top 4 were set, but then there's Ericsson and Kindl. Throw in the Rafalski and Ericsson injuries and the Wings get the heavy weight champ that is Janik. This could make for an interesting few weeks. But more on that later.

If you couldn't tell the title of my blog was incredibly sarcastic. One loss is no reason to panic. But it does show some holes in the defense and some areas the Wings could certainly improve upon. A team of that caliber shouldn't have issues with the fucking Colorado Avalanche.

But anywho, let's jump right into the post game recap:

After once again rushing home to catch the game just in time, I turn on the allusive piece of crap that is Versus to catch Eddie O stating "This is a dynasty." No he wasn't talking about each and everyone of his overly coiffed hair follicles, he was in fact referring to the Wings. That smug bastard jinxed us...mother fucker.....
Next Versus breaks to McCarty nearly chocking on live TV while attempting to make a funny about his time playing with Maltby. I've always been a McCarty fan and I'm happy to see he's doing something he enjoys, but I will not pretend that it's not difficult to watch at times.
2 1/2 minutes into the first period the Mule scores. Silly, cocky me, then settled into what I thought would be another good old fashion ass kicking.
Through the first part of the first period, Kronwall was joining the rush at exactly the right time and Zetterberg and Datsyuk seemed to be clicking. My cocky attitude also began to rise.
Cut to the Crosby commercial discussing his Penguins being a "dynasty".... what the fu....wait nevermind, that may be the most brilliant and perfect weight loss commercial ever.
During the various Maltby clips (sometimes Versus does get it right) I quickly realized I'll never get to hear Mickey Redmond refer to Maltby as a "50 goal score in juniors." Now that is enough to make a grown girl cry. Sad.
Janik gets into a "fight." It was so sad and so pathetic I actually feel bad making fun of him. Yes I feel bad....if you didn't see it that should tell you all you need to know.
Then Colorado scores. But with Zetterberg and Datsyuk looking strong at the end of the first my high level of cocky is maintained.
Filppula had a strong game. He made some nice plays, was shooting much more, and was strong on the puck. It's been a good start to the season for him. Please, please, please keep it up.
Detroit gets a PP despite the "well informed" announcers going on and on about how it should have also been a highsticking penalty on the Wings. Did Modano's stick hit the face of a Colorado beauty? Sure did. In fact it did so at the very moment he was being hooked to the ice. So yes, shut the fuck up.
Either way, Zetterberg and Datsyuk end the power play early with a beautiful Datsyuk redirect. Now that was Red Wings hockey folks.
Soon after the Avs almost score if not for a big Howard save.
The Perfect Human has a great 2 on 1 chance with Homer (who was rather invisible tonight) The play Lidstrom made is just another example of how he makes everything look so easy.
Supposedly Filppula takes a penalty. I merely saw it as Colorado keeping up with their storied history of diving.
Wings were out shot all night. However, they did make some good opportunities for themselves.
My notes go from "Great save by Jimmy" to "Weak goal by Jimmy" and back again. The defense needs to tighten up and eliminate some of those chances.
Franzen scores his second goal. What more can you possibly say about him?
Hudler and Cleary had a few good scoring opportunities, but other than that the 3rd line struggled. They weren't clicking and they need to find some chemistry soon. If for no other reason but to prevent the other lines from getting shuffled around.
It was 3-1 Wings at this point so when I hear the following "Detroit now playing THEIR possession game." I immediately feel that cocky feeling pick right back up despite less than stellar play from the Wings.

And then the third period came. Giveaways, poor defensive play, and some week goals gave Colorado an overtime victory. blah. It was uninspired and certainly not Red Wings hockey. But it was one game at the beginning of the season and I expect them to come back strong on Thursday. And especially Saturday, when they're here in Sunny Arizona and I get to watch them first hand kick some Coyote ass.

LGRW.

The Non-Recap

2010-10-11T15:10:00.002-07:00

Unfortunately I missed the Wings beating Chicago on their banner raising night. I was at my friends, kids birthday party, eating cake, candy, and drinking beer. Yes it was strangely as delicious as it sounds. And in between avoiding death stares from Ohio State and Michigan fans (of course I was rocking the green and white) I had the "pleasure" of chatting with a Chicago Blackhawks "fan." The conversation went a little something like this: (PG for both the kids birthday and due to my lady like tendencies)

"Chi Fan:" Hello, are you from Michigan.

Me: Why yes I am, what possibly gave it away?

"Chi Fan:" Your Michigan State T-shirt

Me: Sigh

"Chi Fan:" So are you a Red Wings fan as well? Because I'm a HUGE Blackhawks fan.

Me: Yes I am, and I'm looking forward to watching the Wings kick your teams butt when I get home tonight

"Chi Fan:" Ohhhh it's starting already?! I didn't realize

Me: Seriously? You're joshing me right?(again with the PG) It's the night of their banner raising and I'm looking forward to the Wings tarnishing that with a little old fashion ass kicking.

"Chi Fan:" huh, I honestly forgot about that....for the Stanley Cup, right?

Yep. I wish I were fucking with you. I really wish I were surprised. But a self proclaimed HUGE Blackhawks fan seemed to not only forget the season starts in October, but also, somehow, failed to remember they won the Stanley Cup last year. That's not something you forget. At least not if you truly are a HUGE fan. But anyway, I watched the game Sunday afternoon and at this point, a recap seems pointless since everything has already been said.

Other than that we can now officially say goodbye to the Lilja we all knew and grew to tolerate/like. He's a Duck now so along with applying for a new work visa, he will apply for an Official Dirty Bitch card as well.

So long Lilja. It was nice while it lasted.

Oh yeah, and we have an additional 4 years of this. Awesome.

And That's How You Start a Season

2010-10-09T10:46:00.002-07:00

Well, well, well that was quite a way to start the season, wasn't it? A Wings beat down, a Dangle fight, a Mickey Modano goal, and a Jimmy shut out. What more could we ask for?

I've been MIA for the last two months thanks to a series of work commitments, but with the season FINALLY starting again, I'll be back to blogging. But enough of that, let's jump right into the game recap with all its usual nonsense and jumbled, yes jumbled order.

It's the first game of the season, I rush out of work, settle down with a beer, and prepare myself for 2 hours of uninterrupted hockey enjoyment. And then Gary bitch slaps me in the face, like the sneaky little leprechaun bastard he is. Because despite it being the WINGS home opener, I'm forced to watch the Ducks feed. Yep, that's right, no Mickey, no Ken, no drunken Larry, and sure as hell no Bernstein beauty. Let's just say it's a good thing I was full of sunshine and happiness on account of the season finally starting.
Anyway, aside from my disappointment of missing the Wings feed the Ducks announcers weren't as bad as usual. Aside from a few awkward comments about Franzen giving some rough rides along the boards, they spent much of the first two periods drooling over the Red Wings....and I can appreciate that.
I really missed watching Helm and Eaves. While they didn't necessarily do anything overtly spectacular, I missed watching a 4th line with that kind of speed and hustle.
Franzen had the first goal of the season, officially announcing his return. Now can we sit him during tonight's game. You know since it's in Chicago, against the Hawks and all. I'm just being cautious.....
24 seconds after the Mule's goal, Mikey Modano scored his first goal as a Red Wing....quite a way to endure him self with the Wing's faithful.
Filppula had a great game. Enough said.
Just as I was commenting how great Cleary was playing now that he could comfortably walk and all, he took a high stick. Thanks to the anal probing injuries of last year I immediately and instinctively cringed. Luckily he was fine and my response was a mere overreaction.
On a side note, I already fucking hate the new Center Ice Commercials. While I never expected to enjoy them, this is the NHL after all, their horrible quality and Crosby panty creaming never fails to surprise or disgust me. It's like they hired the same people that came up with this idea, to produce this amateur dribble. I need to lower my expectations.
During the preseason I became concerned that Ericsson, so impressed with Lebda's contract, decided to fully take over all of his horrible habits and irritatingly bad decisions. But tonight, while paired with The Perfect Human he didn't bother me as much as usual. That could be because he lasted 6 whole shifts before leaving the game with back spasms....here's hoping he's ok, and here's really fucking hoping this injury is a fluke and not a sign of more to come....
At the start of the second period Dangle Dangle and the future captain had a few good plays before Datsyuk capitalized on an awesome tip in....I knew I missed watching those two play together, but sometimes I forgot how much.
Howard, while only facing 21 shots had to make a few big, key saves. While it was great to see Jimmy in form, it was concerning to see the turnovers of last year have also returned. Hopefully once the new defensive pairings play together more, the turnovers will diminish.
At one point in the second period, Bertuzzi had an unexpected and uncharacteristic burst of speed during a rather impressive steal.
And then the Duck's showed up. You know the typical and expected cheap shots to overcompensate for their lack of talent. The one time the Duck's announcers annoyed me was at this point when they bitched on and on about how the Duck's were "sending a message." What kind of fucking message would that be? That they don't belong on the same ice as the Red Wings? Because that I would agree with.
I thought Cleary would be awarded the first no goal of the season. And for once I honestly felt like it would have been the correct call. But for some poorly explained and ill-conceived reason, Toronto called it a good goal...WHAT? First Bertuzzi with a burst of speed, the Duck's announcers popping a boner for the Wings, and now this? I'm pretty sure this will come back to haunt us in the future....You know Gary's little pea brain has a long memory and this act of "kindness" will not be forgotten.
And then we get to the third period and the fight, possibly play of the season. And it happened in the season opener. Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be that kind of year. Fanfuckingtastic.
After yet another scrum, Perry skates up to Datsyuk and gives him a cheap shot. And the Datsyuk fight begins. While I was both thrilled and not surprised to see Datsyuk stand up for himself, I was seriously ready to pee my pants every time Perry swung his dainty arms. Did I honestly think Perry could hurt anyone with those pathetic fists, no, but I kept having Lilja flashbacks with every swing. At one point my husband walks in and simply says, "oh is that Perry?" Being he's not much of a hockey fan I asked how he knew that was Perry. His awesome response, "He was pulling Datsyuk's hair at the end." That's right. Not only did Datsyuk win a fight against the 6'3'' Perry, but it has officially been confirmed that Perry fights like a middle school girl. Congratulations you piece of trash.

And at this point I had to leave. I missed the rest of the game but obviously knew the Wings would end their season opener with a win, and what a fantastic way to do so. Let's hope they can do the same tonight. Against the Hawks, during their banner raising, in front of their pathetic band wagon fans. The season's begun. Let's go Red Wings.

And in Shocking News....

2010-08-04T05:36:00.000-07:00

Hey did you all hear, Mike Modano decided to sign with the Wings.

I know, shocking. I nearly fell out of my chair.

But apparently after some deep concentration:

Some chin propping pensive thought:

A few late night gab sessions with his bff:

And of course after the final ok from Gordon Bombay, Modano decided that if he wanted one more run at the cup, his best shot would be with the Wings. Thanks for making us wait until August for that.

And in other breaking, unexpected new from yesterday:

Levi and Bristol broke up, again

Brett Favre retired, again

Michelle Duggar would like a 20th baby...her uterus was last seen hitch hiking on the interstate

And Brett Favre unretires...oh wait sorry, not yet

Now I should stop before I get ahead of myself, nothing is official, yet. This shocking announcement took place after a texting session between Modano and St. James. Who knew that outside of Hollywood and middle school cafeterias, important decisions and news worthy moments are initially communicated through text. Evidently I'm out of the loop and not down with the 40 year old kids. But none-the-less a press conference is scheduled for Friday where Modano will make his long, and I do mean long, awaited announcement.

Now I'm not going to get into the debate of whether he took too long (he did) to decide or not. Whether this is good for the Wings or not. And I'm certainly not touching the issue of whether or not Willa Ford will now steal Kristin Bell's spot in the hearts of male Wings fans every where. At this point, Modano is on the team, and you have to like the 3rd line.

Quite frankly you have to like all 4 lines. It's an impressive line up and a clear improvement from last season. The question now remains, who will be the allusive 6th defensemen? Lilja has reportedly turned down a 1 million dollar offer, Twitter has been alive with suggestions of Mitchell, and Holland said he's fine going to training camp with what he has. I suppose it's a wait and see situation.

All we know for certain, Brett Lebda is gone, and Marty Turco is in Chicago. I'm feeling pretty good about the prospects of number 12.....

You Must Be 3 and Up to Play With Your Poop

2010-07-16T05:52:00.004-07:00

In my last post I mentioned both Todd Bertuzzi's salary as well as Brett Lebda's horribly inflated new pay check. Rob, in the comments section pointed out that if Lebda is making 1.45 million then you have to pay Bertuzzi 1.5. Whether this point was in jest or not, its worth looking into because let's be honest, what else can we possibly discuss. So thank you Rob.

Bertuzzi was signed to 1.5 before anyone even considered paying Lebda with anything more than a Big Mac and industrial sized toe nail clippers. In fact, prior to his signing I was absolutely convinced that anyone willing to sign him for more than 850,000 also probably thought Poopy Time Fun Shapes would be the next big thing.

But then Burke went and overpaid for what the Wings deemed an unnecessary spare part. An inconsistent, defensive liability, coming off a down year, in Toronto is apparently worth 1.45. But in this new cap world, overpaying one player can substantially increase the value of another. For better or worse it's a reasonable point.

In all honesty, 1.5 million for Bertuzzi actually isn't a horrible price. I was hoping for 1.2, but obviously Holland and the rest of the Wings brain trust know exactly what they're doing. I'm just not a fan of Bertuzzi. I'm not a fan of his often inconsistent play and inconsistent effort. And I'm sure as hell sick of him haunting my dreams at night threatening to rape my dog. So on that note, let's take a peek at all the other things we could get for 1.5 million dollars.

1,376,146 McDonald's Double Cheeseburgers (from the dollar menu accounting for the lovely new 9% tax in AZ)

88,495 Chia Pets (Not including shipping and handling)

21,739 Billy The Big Mouth Bass (It's a sad state of affairs when a talking, wall mounted Bass, still costs $69 after all these years on the market)

75,000 Clappers (Not to be confused with the clap)

78,947 Thigh Masters (Suzanne Summers not included)

21,739 Rejuvenique Masks (I honestly have no idea what the fuck that is. I can't listen to the sound at work, but something just seems so wrong)

100,000 Snuggies (Not to be confused with 100,000 Jersey Shore Snookies. We could probably get double the amount of Snookies)

Anyone willing to take one of the above options over Detroit's own unibomber? For fucks sake this off season has been long, slow, and increasingly painful. Mike Modano needs to make a fucking decision so I have something else to write about. Things are slow when Poopy Time Fun Shapes, Snookie, and Rejuvenique are mentioned in the same post.

Holy Shit It's Already July

2010-07-15T08:04:00.003-07:00

Where the hell has the summer gone? I turn around and it's July 15th, it's 115 degrees outside, and we've been without hockey since May. I think I nearly forgot I had a blog until my slightly crazed and eccentric coworker asked our manager if she "has a bee in her bonnet." For some very odd reason, that triggered my memory. Don't ask the mind is a mysterious thing and in any event, this encouraged me to try my best to remember my blogger password and sign back on. I then realized my last post was from May 25th and was about Yzerman leaving the Wings....yeah it's been awhile.

But work has slowed down and life is beginning to return to normal, so I figured I'd give this whole blogging thing a go, once again.

During my prolong absence a lot has happened. Good, bad, strange, and in between. Below is my out of order, and as always, random recap of Red Wings news over the last month and a half. Feel free to fill in anything I've missed.

Lidstrom signs a one year contract with the Wings. Apparently the reverse psychology I pulled on the universe and the hockey gods by repeatedly claiming he wasn't coming back, has worked. That or the daily pleading and begging. Either way, after Yzerman leaving it was good to have Lidstrom return.
Jimmy of course did not win the Calder Trophy. This was either a direct result of pure ageism by the media, or their utter distance for man boobs. Either way, we did learn that Mark Wahlberg is completely devoid of humor both sober and drunk.
Patrick Kane looks like an undersized frat boy with or without the vanullet (mullet/vanilla ice hair do)
Kirk Maltby is close to a one year deal. He is not close to a one year deal. Kovalchuck is in talks with the Wings, he is not in talk with the Wings. It's like a fucking high school cafeteria on twitter right now. The rumors have been in full force this year.
Toronto signs Lebda to a 1.5 million dollar contract AFTER the KHL passes up on him for being too expensive. I've now decided to throw my 6 pound runt of a dog into the free agent mix. If Lebda went for 1.5, I'm sure she could pull in a cool million.
We also learned that Gary makes over 7 million a year. The question remains, which GM helped structure that contract? Burke or Tallon or some evil combination of both? They seem to enjoy overpaying for undersized, under performing pompous ass holes.
Filppula's brother signed with the Wings. Women and men everywhere are now confused on which golden Finn to root for.
Mike Modano may sign with the Wings. And aside from the Internet arguments taking place around this subject, we have learned he may not come to Detroit because of his wife's career. Apparently he's married to Willa Ford. If she were to come to Michigan with him, how would the world survive without more shitastic music like "I Wanna Be Bad?"
Bob Probert passed away. I'm still in shock.
Bertuzzi, Eaves, Miller and Meech are all signed. Apparently Bertuzzi is worth 1.5 million....yet another sign for those keeping count that the world may in fact be coming to an end.
The cap has officially dick slapped Chicago. And I'm enjoying every single minute.
There was a "Cooking with Kirk Maltby" extravaganza at Meijer. I miss Meijer. Not many places in Arizona where you can buy bulk gummy candy, lighter fluid, steering wheels, and boxed wine all in one place

What a strange and slightly fucked up off season it's been. But at least we're not forced to grab our ankles and bend over ala Chicago style. We can take solace in that. Hopefully I'll be back to posting semi regularly. And hopefully the Modano nonsense is resolved and Helm and Abby are signed. Not much longer and hockey will be back.

All the Best, Captain

2010-05-25T07:14:00.002-07:00

It feels like an end of an era. Steve Yzerman will be leaving Detroit after 27 years. 27 years. That's longer than many of us have been alive. It's a statement to the standard of class, hard work, loyalty, and commitment he placed on himself, his teammates, and the future of the Detroit Red Wings.

Yes it's heart breaking and stomach turning for us to see Stevie Y move on. Sure I have a lump in my throat larger than during the live birth video I witnessed last night with my sister in law at her birthing and breathing class. And yes we all question why the hockey gods are continuing to fuck with us. In what world do we lose Steve Yzerman to Tampa Bay and still have to endure Pierre McGuire broadcasts. Is there more mercy?

But at the same time, we all knew it was coming. Did we expect it this soon, of course not. But Yzerman has made no secret of his wish to move on and run his own team. The opportunity was not yet available in Detroit, so all we can do is wish him the best on his new adventure. But hey, what's saying that his path will never lead him back to the Red Wings?

Steve Yzerman set the standard of a what a leader ought to be. He taught Wings fans and hundreds of other kids, what an athlete should be. What sportsmanship, dedication, and self sacrifice was. Lessons and legacies no amount of writing will ever do justice.

This could be a tough off season for Wings faithful. No Conference Final. No Stanley Cup Final. Yzerman is moving on and there is still a distinct possibility that Lidstrom will choose to retire. But rest assured. The Captain has left us a future we can be proud of. I remember last season while we all watched and waited for Holland to re-sign Zetterberg. We wanted confirmation and a promise that the future captain would be locked up long term. And you may remember, Zetterberg stated that he finally made his decision after speaking with who else, but Steve Yzerman. After Yzerman reminded him what a special team Detroit was and how rare and unique it is to play for the same team your entire career. Yzerman helped ensured a future of hard work, determination, and class for the Red Wings organization.

So while Stevie Y is leaving the comfy confines of the only hockey family he has known, he has left us many gifts and promises of hope. We have his past, the present, and he's helped to ensure the Wings and their fans will be strong in the future.

What more can any of us say, but thank you Steve Yzerman. Thank you and best of luck. The Wings and their fans could not be prouder or more lucky to call you The Captain.

Please Don't Go

2010-05-17T06:21:00.003-07:00

Yep, hockey is still over for Red Wings fans. News has been of the depressing variety over the last week. First we have Lidstrom Gate where we all watch and debate whether or not he is coming back. Every sentence is analyzed to the 10th degree. He mentions he likes Michigan Hot Dogs...so we determine he's staying. We hear some story about how he still considers Sweden home, so he's leaving. Back and forth, back and forth our emotions are toyed with. I honestly feel like a high school girl again, sitting at the lunch table debating with my friends, do you think he likes me? Enough already. I can't believe this shit is going to go on for weeks. Just please come back. Please.

And if the emotional toll from Lidstrom Gate wasn't enough, I also had the distinct pleasure of watching Chicago beat San Jose. Jesus Christ you fucking idiotic Sharks. Pull your dicks out of your mouths and beat Chicago. For fucks sake I have NEVER wanted a team that eliminated the Wings to make it to the Finals so badly. I cannot even begin to fathom the possibility of Chicago making it to the finals. Because mark my words, the team from the West is going to win this bitch. No questions asked. Done. And I cannot spend an entire season listening to how baby brother is the new King of the central division and how they "dethroned" the "Dead Things." I can't. So San Jose needs to do something right. That waste of space, piece of shit, whinny Joe Thornton needs to act like a fucking leader and crush Chicago. Because I'm not ready to see 20 cent lift Lord Stanley's Cup.

Anywho, Moving on from my rant regarding Chicago and back to Lidstrom Gate. I know most people in the organization and outside think he's coming back. And I hope they're right. My gut is telling me he's not coming back but that could just be indigestion. So instead of speculating, I'm going to once again turn to something solid and realistic, AOL Horoscopes.

Below is his horoscope for today. Let's see if it gives us any insight into his decision making process:

Pleasure calls today as your key planet Venus is over-stimulated by opulent Jupiter, luring you to accept the second helping of dessert, even if you are already full. The idea of luxuriating in delight could turn your need for satisfaction into gluttony or greed. Think about how much is actually enough, for even if you are happily enjoying yourself, overdoing it could create difficulties sooner than you realize.

My Take: Well after having read that nonsense a few times to try and put some sort of hockey spin on it, here's what I came up with. He's enjoying his off time off to a great degree (yeah not good for us) although the stars are trying to warn him that perhaps retirement and lounging around is not what he should be doing yet. He could be creating issues for himself with too much relaxation. The stars are clearly saying he should play hockey for another 2 years. At a discounted rate of course.

Yeah, that was a stretch, but it's all I got. I hate the off season.

And the Long Summer Begins

2010-05-13T07:01:00.003-07:00

And so it has ended. I realize I'm very delayed with this post, but work, being under the weather, and a variety of other life commitments have forced me to put this off. Not to mention I was still letting everything sink in. But here is my delayed and now irrelevant post.

I was sad when the Wings lost. Obviously disappointed. But not to the degree I have been in the past. After the free agent cluster fuck of last year (yes Jiri Hudler I'm looking at you) and the massive joke of injuries this season, I think deep down we all knew this wasn't the Wings year. Most of us didn't want to say it. There was something dirty and icky about uttering those words out loud. Like when you first start realizing the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause aren't real. You're afraid to admit it out of fear you might be wrong. Out of fear that if they are real, your presents won't be delivered. So you tease yourself and expect the most. But we had to know, it just wasn't meant to be.

This year the Wings overcame a great deal:

Folding new, young, inexperienced players into the line up

Torn ACLs

Broken Legs

Free agent deflections. How will they ever overcome the loss of Kopecky?

Fucked up MCLs

Concussions

Brett Lebda

Bad Backs

Rookie goaltending and a Chris Osgood melt down

Separated Shoulders

Sophomore slumps

Broken Wrists

The Olympics

And the list goes on and on and on. People are saying the Wings Dynasty is over. That it's come to an end. Like giddy school girls who just talked to their crush, Red Wings haters across the NHL are giggling and trying not to piss themselves with excitement. But I have this to say. If during a known transition year, the Red Wings can overcome even half of that list, and still manage a 102 point season, a fifth seed in the competitive Western Conference, and make it to the second round, well that to me is how a Dynasty would handle a transition year. How they would handle adversity. I'd like to see any other team deal with those factors and come out better and set for the next year.

What I'm trying to say in a horribly mixed up and drunken ramble is I am proud of this team. I am proud they made it into the playoffs for the 19th consecutive season. I'm proud they had another year of over 100 points. I'm proud they admitted the teams short comings and promises to improve next year. And I'm especially proud, that during game 4 at the Joe, against San Jose, they did not sit back and wait for the loss, they fought hard and demonstrated what is sure to come next year. I'm proud of this team.

And now with the season over we begin to anticipate next year. Sure it's farther away than usual, but perhaps that's a good thing.

It gives Holland a little more wiggle room before July 1st.

It gives players with two consecutive Stanley Cup Finals appearances a longer, and much deserved break

Clearly we can see in the picture below the massive amount of PKs and playoff stress have turned Miller fully gray. Well now he has time to perfect his shade of Just for Men.

The seasons over but as Red Wings fans we have so much to be proud of and so much to look forward to. As Mike Babcock said, they still did better than 22 other teams. And in a transition year, that's pretty damn good.

I'll be posting more this summer. But I just wanted to say a quick thanks to anyone who managed to stop by my blog this season. I award you an honorary gold star for your attempts to decipher my ramblings.

And I'll end with this, while my gut tells me he will retire, Nick Lidstrom, please stay at least one more year. Pretty please.

It's All About The Mule

2010-05-07T07:18:00.003-07:00

Holy Fuck what was that? And where the hell did playoff Mule come from? You know what, I don't even care, I'm just thrilled that big son of a bitch showed up at the perfect time. 4 goals from Franzen, a natural hat trick over a span of 3:26 well that alone should have made my night. But the Wings weren't done yet as they decided to shove that broom the Sharks and their fans were waving around a little farther up their collective anal cavity with a decisive 7-1 win. Mmmmhmm that win felt good.

But as we know, it was only one win and the Wings need to keep taking it game by game. Keep the intensity level up. But before we look ahead, below are a few random thoughts about the game to relish in. (Let me apologize in advance as this recap will be a bit more shoddy than normal. I watched the game at a bar with a friend, FYI this beautiful bar has Center Ice, so my "focus" was often interrupted by both the other patrons as well as the alcohol I was consuming.)

I was all sorts of nervous when the game began. Despite the fact that AOL Horoscopes gave me the best collective set of predictions, I had a weird uncomfortable pit in my stomach. So when Karen Newman was singing the National Anthem, all I could think of was, damn, I hope I have more to write about tomorrow than the obscene size of her belt buckle. No really, its bothered me for awhile. I swear to baby Jesus, each game, her tacky rhinestone cowboy belt buckles get bigger. I know I am alienating any men that read this blog, but for fucks sake woman, it's not 1985, and I promise, no matter what anyone says, acid wash jeans are never coming back.
Alrighty, moving along. The sharks had a few good opportunities at the beginning of the first but after that it was all Red Wings. They were so on that even when Ericsson decided to pinch yet again, causing ANOTHER 2 on 1 situation, it was defended beautifully. But really, I thought he would have learned his lesson after the OT clusterfuck he caused on Tuesday. Will nothing get through this kids head?
And then the Mule showed up. I was looking at the live blog over at A2Y and there was mention of Uncle Mike giving Franzen more than a Babcockian stare and adding a little dash of benching to get some sort of point across. I didn't notice, but those observant bitches over there catch everything. And if Uncle Mike tore Franzen a new one, thank you. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. It clearly worked. Because soon after he assisted (was the result of) the Bertuzzi goal and since he decided that just wasn't enough, he proceeded to score 4 more goals.
Yeah Babcock clearly needs to screw with Franzen's head more often. I think he's already started the process. Last night the only significant comment he made regarding Mule's game was something along the lines of, "It would have been nice to have in Game 1."
The other goals of the game were scored by Bertuzzi, Rafalski, and Filppula. So Clearly the new line of Bert, Z, and Mule seems to be clicking, if you want to get all technical and shit.
Unfortunately it wasn't a shut out for James. The Sharks managed to score on a 5 on 3, but at that point, it had as much of an effect as pissing in the ocean. Clearly the Sharks seem dependent on the 5 on 3 to score goals this series. Which come on, that's like a parent standing up and cheering for kicking their 5 year olds ass in Boggle.
If the Wings can win Game 5 and force the Sharks to a Game 6, I am dedicated to creating an entire game recap just using Mickey and John Keating quotes. No really. While watching the game at a bar is entertaining, I missed hearing Mickey and Ken. And I hate that I missed Keating talking to Bertuzzi about his muscular thighs. Somewhere Andres Lilja wis breathing a massive sigh of relief.
Darren Helm is a bad ass. Normally that would be enough said, but his play last night warrants a greater mention. He just consistently works hard, no matter what. On a pp the Wings were up 6-1 and he was still diving for pucks. While killing penalties he had a few short handed chances. If the kid was able to sell his soul for goals, he would have had a few last night. A Wing for life.
And Justin Abdelkader. Well that kid really has a special ability to piss people off. Can't wait to see him full time with the Wings next year. He just keeps getting better and better.
Joe Thornton is a douche bag. I've never liked the guy and after the "leadership" he displayed last night, I wash my hands of that big moron. Seriously, I'd rather take a 3 day old half eaten tuna fish sandwich on the team then Thornton. He went after Homers head, Zetterbergs head, and even Nick Lidstrom. Who goes after Nick Lidstrom?? I'll tell you who, a gonorrhea infected vagina like Thornton does. Many of the Sharks decided to act like the Ducks or the Flames in the third and I just don't understand that. The Wings have been spanked many times, and I'm proud to say I've never seen them goon it up.
And this leads to my next point, Thornton calling out the Wings for diving. Wow Joe. That's quite a claim after the shit your teams been pulling. Besides, I thought it was moving your feet and not diving...hmmmm
While at the bar my friend decided to leave me on my own to hit on some blonde at the bar. Normally I wouldn't give a shit, but she was wearing a Thornton San Jose shirt, so yeah .... But while he was off Shark hunting I met some very cool Wings fans in Phoenix and just wanted to point out how awesome this fan base is. Great people with great hockey knowledge.
The only negative from last nights game was the Stuart injury. Of course Babbles said he would play, and I just hope that's the truth. The last thing this poor old heart needs is to watch Ericsson play a massive amount of minutes.

Great game over all by this team. They came out strong and put forth a solid 60 minute effort. I strongly believe that San Jose underestimated the Wings. That they forgot their first 3 victories were by small margins and assumed they'd wrap this bitch up in 4. The Wings had other ideas.

San Jose won't lie down so easily on Saturday and the Wings MUST bring this level of intensity again, if they hope to play another day.

LGRW.

The Stars Are Back

2010-05-06T06:54:00.002-07:00

I took yesterday off to regroup. To reflect on what just happened, hoping that today I'd have something insightful, meaningful, and thought provoking to write. But I soon realized this blog hardly ever contains those qualities so fuck it.

I don't want to talk about Tuesday and I don't care if that's wrong, lame, or lazy. I just don't want to and I can be stubborn as hell, so I won't. I'm not pissed off at the Wings, I'm a little disappointed, but I love this team too much to bitch and moan about anyone not named Ericsson and Williams. (But seriously, after Game 3, those two can go and fuck themselves with a curling iron.)

Today's game 4, and we all have to accept the possibility that tonight could be the last Wings game of the season. Yes they could come back and win it all...but a loss is a possibility and it makes me sad. Damn I hate being a realist. So all I will say, I hope to baby Jesus, Buddha, God and all the others that tonight is not Nick Lidstroms last game. That this season is not his last season. The end. I can't bring myself to say anything more about that topic, corporate America tends to look down on people crying and convulsing at work.

I'm not mentally prepared to do a pregame, so I'm going to revert back to something I promised I had stopped. Out of pure time constraints, aka laziness, I ended the horoscope feature after the Game 2 loss. But today it's back. Previously I had cherry picked the good horoscopes, the ones that made me feel warm and fuzzy about a Detroit win. Not today. Today I'm looking at just "the best players" as Babcock would say and we're taking it as is. Even if that means up the butt. So here we go.

Player: Pavel Datsyuk

Sign: Cancer

Horoscope: You may not be happy about a complex situation in your immediate environment, but there's no apparent way for you to avoid it. Still, you aren't eager to talk about your feelings because you fear that your words will be taken the wrong way. Don't say anything that could complicate things even further; your silence won't make the problem go away, but at least it won't make it any worse.

My Take: Well I think we all know what the fucking problem is. Being down 3-0 to the Sharks doesn't send rainbows out any of our asses. But talking about the situation isn't going to solve it. Obviously the AOL stars let us know we have a pissed off, unhappy Dangle Dangle on our hands. And I hope he can find a way to rectify the situation.

Player: Johan Franzen

Sign: Capricorn

Horoscope: It's natural for you to strive for excellence, even if only to avoid harsh judgments from others. But you have more than approval now riding on your success. There may be financial considerations at play, motivating you to demonstrate your considerable skills. However, you could become inhibited if you take yourself too seriously today, so aim high and trust that your best effort will be appreciated.

My Take: It's been rough for Johan Franzen throughout both series. I'm the first to admit I've bitched about him and even created a milk carton campaign to find Playoff Mule of the past. But in reality, considering the injury he's had to deal with, we can't complain. I'm sure he feels the immense pressure, but if he can mentally over come that and just play his best (probably 80% right now) we should begin to see some positive results. I like this one.

Player: Henrik Zetterberg

Sign: Libra

Horoscope: You may be proud of your social networking skills, yet you still might feel like an outsider today. You want to be accepted by others, yet you choose to do things that demonstrate your independence rather than thinking with a group mentality. Don't be afraid to dance to the beat of your own drum. However, consider the consequences of your non-conformist activities before you undermine the progress you have already made.

My Take: Alright this one is really going to have to be stretched to make it apply. First ignore the social networking section. For some reason I just don't see Zetterberg with a blog ala the Swedish Meatball. So I'm going to take it this direction; "Z" needs to break through the shackles and expectations and simply play his game. Follow his instincts, his "own drum" and lead the Wings onto a victory. Beat the Sharks with those fucking brooms they're waving around. See, we can manipulate anything.

Player: Nick Lidstrom

Sign: Taurus

Horoscope: Although you may be required to respond to a stressful situation at work, you also need to carve out some personal time for yourself. Your motivation for a bit of peace and quiet now is not for relaxation; instead, you want to think about what's coming up for you in the future. Unfortunately, with your current job-related pressures, you'll need to schedule a mini-retreat away from it all. Fortunately, even an hour or so should be enough to reconnect with your dreams.

My Take: The stars are seriously fucking with us, right? Prepare yourselves, I'm about to revert to a high school girl, but OMG this is spot on boys and girls. Spot freaking on. Holy crap does he have pressure at work. And holy crap does he have a lot to think about regarding his future.(shudder) Apparently he needs to take that hour, focus, re fall in love with the game of hockey, and most of all remember the little boy from back in Sweden playing on an outdoor ice rink. If he does that, he'll realize he doesn't want this season to end, and he sure as hell doesn't want this to be the last year he plays for the Red Wings. No really, he'll figure that out because my fragile nerves can't take any other scenario. If we've learned anything about Lidstrom over the past 19 or so years, aside from the fact that he is the perfect human, it's that he responds to pressure packed situations. This horoscope brightens my day.

Alright, after that bizarro Lidstrom horoscope, I'm spent. I've got nothing more than LGRW.

Game 3....

2010-05-04T08:25:00.006-07:00

It's Game 3. The Wings are down 0-2 in the series. The last time this shit happened, was in 2003 when they were swept by the Ducks. That's right boys and girls, the Ducks. I know I'm sure as hell not ready for this season to be over and I don't think the Wings are either.

We haven't seen true Red Wing hockey this entire series. At times the team has seemed disjointed perhaps even a step behind the Sharks. The pathetic faceoff numbers have left Detroit chasing the puck instead of controlling the tempo with their superb puck possession game. And yes, the refs have influenced the outcome by giving the Sharks multiple, unjustified, 5 on 3 opportunities. And may I point out once again, in BOTH, yes BOTH games, the game winning goal was scored during a 5 on 3. But despite all of that. Despite outside forces and even despite being outworked by San Jose, Detroit has only lost by one goal in each game. One fucking goal.

And that's why we should feel cautiously optimistic. Why we should still hold out hope and focus some positive energy towards this team. Why this cocky and over confident San Jose team will hopefully finally meet the real Detroit Red Wings in the 2010 playoffs.

The Wings are pissed. They're mad and irritated and disappointed at the fact that they're down 0-2. They know they were ass raped for two straight games. I'm sure that's not something you generally forget. But hopefully, it's something they'll use to their advantage.

They've said the right things in the media. They know they haven't played their best, and yet you can still sense a pissed off, fired up mentality just below the surface. Which is exactly what you would hope for come this time of year.

They can let the fans worry about the refs. An awesome group of people are planning a tin foil flash mob at the Gordie Howe entrance tonight. The frustration and sentiment will be heard. And the Wings, they can focus squarely on putting the sharks back in their place.

Because this man is in playoff form. He's not ready for the season to be done. And that's a good thing for the Wings.

And because karma is a sneaky bitch with a long long memory. And I'm guessing she doesn't like diving.

And I have a feeling that Karma may use one particularly pissed off Swede to extract her revenge.

And finally, the future Captain usually plays his best when challenged. Give him Pavelski. Shut him down. It's been a slow start to the series for Zetterberg and this assignment may give him a boost. But even if Babcock keeps his previous matchups, I still expect to see a significant improvement from "Z." Because that's what real leaders do. They step up when necessary.

Game 3 boys and girls, it's do or die. A pressure packed situation. Exactly the kind of environment this group thrives on. Here we go....

Meh, Whatever

2010-05-03T10:05:00.004-07:00

Alright I'm still grumpy today. Still pissed. Still irritated. But I was slightly less so after I read Drew's post over at NOHS. Read it. And then read it again. It's a little reassuring. Shows a little history of various teams fighting back from a 2-0 deficit. It does succeed in pushing down the vomit.

Last night I was hoping Mike Babcock would throw a chair on the ice and then smash it over Watson's head ala the WWE. In some ways, I half expected McLellan to join. (He could not have been happy about what took place for his team either, albeit to a lesser degree.) I then hoped every player would line up for their post game pressers and say, yes we still need to fix a number of things to win, but the officiating had a direct impact on the results of that game. Follow that with Mike Babcock scratching his nose with his middle finger and calling out Nabokov for being a giant infected limp dick that flops over to the side with the slightest touch or wrong look. (And as a sidenote: Jimmy, Wings fans don't want you to learn ANYTHING from this goalie. Technique, choke habits, and certainly not the tendency to dive. There's no place for that shit when you wear the Winged Wheel. Stepping off soap box...)

But of course they didn't. And in the light of the morning, after emotions have some what subsided, I am so thankful this team chose to act in a professional and classy manor. Sure they would have been justified in their complaints. And sure the unprofessional behavior would have fit in very nicely with both the Sharks lack of self respect and the refs lack of professional integrity, but it would have done more harm than good.

McCosky's article this morning points out a very valid, albeit disappointing fact. McLellan has out played/ out coached Babcock in one very important area, gamesmanship. And honestly, we should all tip our hats. When I first read Babcock's quote about Western Canada and their distaste for diving, I thought perhaps he was merely venting. But after 5 seconds, it was clear it was both a dig at the refs, the league, and a hope that it would prevent such behavior from happening in the future. Todd came back and instead praised the refs and essentially fained astonishment that anyone would question their integrity and knowledge. Golf claps and finger snaps Todd. Your manipulation and political maneuvering would be appreciated at any major corporation. Soon to be college grads with a business major, take note and buy an industrial size bottle of Listerine. This type of ass kissing is appreciated and often helpful in your success. Yes they don't teach this shit in college. But Todd understands it and it's two games to none for the Sharks.

Now the Officiating was a serious issue and so were the dives, but that doesn't remove all fault from the Wings.

1. Faceoffs. Seriously, since when did it become such a challenge to win a fucking faceoff? Clearly I have been far too spoiled in the past because it was never something I thought of. But 38%, even on the road, is an appalling number.

2. Puck possession. And this can go hand in hand with our allusive friend Faceoff Wins. The Wings need to begin playing their game, holding onto the puck, and perhaps the refs will have less opportunities to call penalties. Crazy idea.

3. Johan Franzen. I thought for sure after receiving 9 stitches he'd be fired up for this game. But the only thing fiery about Franzen was his beard.

4. Niklas Kronwall. What the fuck is going on with him. I noticed him twice. Once for an open ice hit on Babcock's Western Canadian poker partner, and again when he took a penalty leading to a five on three. Aside from that, I have chosen to block out his giveaways and defensive brain farts. Watching Kronwall play this year has made me dread Lidstrom's retirement even more. And I didn't think that was possible....

5. Patrick Eaves and special teams. If the game is going to be called the way it was, both teams sure as hell better work on their special teams. And for the Wings, I hope Eaves can get back into the line up soon. They could use him on the PK....and Williams is essentially worthless 5 on 5 for that matter.

6. Henrik Zetterberg. I understand he has been playing well defensively, but the team needs him to both contribute offensively and improve on faceoffs.

Essentially they need to find a way to compensate for both the Sharks play and for the way the game will be called. They need to be cautious about every hit, every move of their stick, but still find a way to win.

It's a quick turn around with Game 3 starting on Tuesday and I hope the Wings come prepared, refocused, and determined to turn this series around. Both Game 3 and Game 4 are must wins. Losing either is not an option at this point.

That Was Embarrassing

2010-05-02T21:03:00.002-07:00

And it was embarrassing on so many different levels.

1. The Sharks should be embarrassed and their fans should be appalled by the complete lack of self respect and consistent diving shown by multiple players. I completely understand how difficult it must be for them being the laughing stock and perpetual playoff disappointments year after year. But you think they would prefer to win with honor instead of concocting a game plan which would embarrass half the professional soccer teams out there.

2. The NHL should be concerned and ashamed. In the playoffs they allow a game like that to take place. Shameful. When the Versus announcers are questioning the majority of calls, someone should be held accountable. But it's the NHL, so that won't happen. And I'm not surprised. This is a league that makes the NBA look both competent and ethical.

3. Finally, I'm embarrassed and disappointment in myself for consistently being shocked by the anti Wing bias and the incompetency of this league. If I performed my job like Brad Watson, and my companies CEO demonstrated the type of leadership Gary displays we would both be fired in this right to work state. Instead, I come back for more and get worked up each time the Wings and their fans are anally raped by the refs and the league. You would think that the revenue provided by the team and the fans would be motivation enough to call an even fair game. But clearly the bias runs deep. And we don't need a tin foil hat to see that.

Now sure the Wings took some stupid penalties at the end of the game. And yes, the penalty kill and their in ability to win face offs has been an issue. But if the game was called fairly, chances are they still could have left San Jose with a 1-1 split. Not the Wings best game, but it is a challenge working against two opponents.

I'm hoping this will be motivation for them to come back in Detroit and Win both games. To find a way to dig deep and win despite a large amount of adversity.

For a better take check out what both George and Matt had to say.

Well aren't I a Positive Polly

2010-04-30T05:59:00.002-07:00

This is probably the first loss in a long time that I feel very "eh" about. Very whatever. Very unconcerned. Everyone knew the Sharks would be a tough team and we all sure as hell knew the challenges with playing Game one mere hours after defeating a gritty Coyotes team in Game 7. So when the Wings lost 4-3 last night, for once my panties didn't get in a bunch.

First let me say this was at least a good effort. (minus the minute twenty of pure goal scoring hell) Aside from Game 7, it was probably the best game they had played all playoffs. They just let down for that time period and the Sharks capitalized. And yet the positive, the Wings clawed and scratched their way back into it. They ended with a 4-3 loss that could have been much much worse.

My other thoughts you ask? Jimmy Howard didn't really play badly. During that goal spurt and essentially every penalty kill he was pretty much left to fend for himself. I don't blame Jimmy for the loss and yet he's probably pretty pissed off with himself. Which is a great thing for Red Wings Nation because Howard seems to relish in a little adversity and bounces back well. Tell me if you could think of a better mind set for a Red Wings goalie?

Welcome to the 2010 playoffs Johan Franzen. I see someone noticed his face on the fan sponsored milk carton and sent him back to the team. Whoever returned the Mule can collect their prize any time now. It's a trip (sorry a no expense paid trip) to Brazil to see Herm...I believe he did however offer up a room at his place for free...so there you go. Thanks Herm.

Dan Cleary had a great night. Which probably explains why half the male population in Michigan now have undescended testicles as a direct result of watching him lay on the ice hurt. But as the true grinder he came back out and finished the game. I'm just crossing my fingers he'll be ok...

Alright since Franzen seems to be back with the team, can we pool the remaining money and put Kronwall's face on the next round of milk cartons? Where the hell has he been? And why does he continuously seem to be possessed by Pierre McGuire's favorite Swede, KronVall? It's time for a milk carton campaign and an exorcism. As the future of the Wings blue line, he needs to start playing to the level we've all seen in the past. And as one of my favorite players it's getting really fucking old complaining about him.

Special teams needs to be better. Period. The penalty kill and the power play have had moments of billiance. But they need to start being more consistent.

Alright, I can't have a "recap" without mentioning the Franzen penalty. How is it that two blatant high sticks have been ignored during the playoffs. My understanding was, this penalty is one call that's black and white. A high stick doesn't have to be intentional. If a player doesn't have control of his stick, he goes to the box. There's blood, he goes for 4 minutes. Pretty fucking cut and dry. Especially considering Franzen was hit before either player fell. If they were going to call Franzen for tripping, at the very LEAST, San Jose should have gotten 2 minutes for high sticking as well. Leave it as a wash. The irony, Filppula was called for a high stick or slash, during that pk and the Sharks had a 5 on 3. Inexcusable. Sure the Wings didn't capitalize on the power plays they had, but that was a huge glaring mistake. Very similar to the Lidstrom high stick in the Phoenix series. Below is what Babcock had to say:

"But on the 5-on-3 penalty, it's a slash for sure but don't dive on the ice and embellish it. You are from Western Canada, don't do that."

I'm looking forward to Sunday. I anticipate a rested and re energized Red Wings team. I still stand by my original comment, if they can split the first two games, I like their chances. However, going down 2-0 to the Sharks, very well may be too deep a hole. Sunday is in many ways a must win.

And as a side note, I feel a little off being so freaking positive after a loss. My whole world seems turned upside down. Roses smell fresher, the Phoenix smog is less intense, and the sun is shining brighter. I hope the Wings don't take this loving feeling away with another loss on Sunday. I can't be Positive Polly after two losses. No matter how hard I try.

A Random "Recap" and a Look to the Stars...Again

2010-04-28T07:24:00.004-07:00

Wow. For the first time in a long time, I was absolutely speechless last night. What an effort. What a game. What a fantastic demonstration of true Red Wings hockey. They came in, knew what needed to be done, and with an extreme amount of determination they executed their plan phenomenally.

I'm far too excited, yes still, and the 2nd round starts too soon for me to do a real recap, but it won't stop me from a little shameless gushing about my favorite team. But before I do that, I would like to congratulate the Phoenix Coyotes. Sure I bitched about their cheap shots and the fact that they whine worse than my 3 year old niece when you tell her she's too young to say fuck off, but what a season. Once you remove the Great One from behind the bench, the team pulls together and executes Tippets plan. A great season.

Now moving onto the team we all love, the Red Wings. That was a complete 60 minute effort my friends. From drilling Bryzgalov with 16 shots in the first to scoring 4 goals in the second, and 2 more in the 3rd, yes that was a Red Wings win.

The power play, the penalty kill, they were text book. A free clinic for the masses without the penicillin.

The top players lead the way and set the tone and the 3rd and 4th lines came through in the third.

After the first Datsyuk goal there was a bit of a sigh across Red Wings nation. And then the second a little more relief. But it was after they killed the 5 on 3 penalty and after the Stuart breakaway goal, you knew the Wings were in the zone.

Really, this video says so much about last nights game and the opportunities throughout the rest of the playoffs.

Now onto round 2. Apparently Washington dethroned San Jose as the perennial choke artists and the Sharks look to be quite a challenge this off season. Yes the Wings were 3-1 this season against the top seed, but this team is not to be taken lightly. The defensive cracks which came out to butt fuck the Wings during the first round, cannot happen against San Jose. The teams too deep.

And since the Eagles are in town and the Wings play their first game tomorrow, below are the player horoscopes for 4/29....let's hope the stars are kind to us.

Player: Niklas Kronwall

Sign: Capricorn

4/29 Horoscope: Although you are often drawn toward a conservative approach, holding back now doesn't lead to increased stability. Paradoxically, exercising your freedom may be the most important tool you have in your ongoing search for creativity and fun.

My Take: Alright, this will be Kronwalls series and this game his opening act. He's been playing conservative, attempting to minimize risks. At times this has caused KronVall to make an apperance. But if he lets go and plays with the creativity and freedom he usually does, that bodes well for the Wings defense which will face a strong onslot from a talented San Jose team. Perhaps there will be a few Kronwalled moments...dare we dream.

Player: Justin Abdelkader AND Filppula

Sign: Pisces

4/29 Horoscope: You have a magical aura that wraps around you today, wherever you go. This energetic layer is powered by your imagination and it is only as strong as your current belief in yourself. Don't let logic or reality spoil your dreams. If you believe that anything is possible, then you won't be limited by restrictive rules or your own self-doubt.

My Take: Wow. What more could we ask for as Wings fans. Two players who consistently had a strong series seem set to continue that tomorrow. Filppula in particular has shown his imagination and creativity this season and apparently he's ready to fully display that tomorrow. And Abdelkader, he has to have some self confidence after the last few games against Phoenix. I like it.

Player: Darren Helm

Sign: Aquarius

4/29 Horoscope: It's apparently your turn to show off your brilliance today and you have no intention of being a shrinking violet. But your creative genius isn't reliable and you might find the spotlight shining on you while you have nothing to say. Don't try to fake it by pretending to share what's on your mind while actually hiding your true thoughts. Once you become comfortable with the idea of opening up, then the resistance to being seen begins to fade.

My Take: Yeah. That's a great horoscope.

Alright yes that was quick and dirty, but it still seems promising. I like it. And sure round 2 came quick but I kind of like that too. I'm hoping that the intensity will still be there and the Wings can at the very least split these first two games.

Round 2 starts tomorrow, are you fucking ready?

Oh For Fucks Sake, Are You Ready?

2010-04-27T05:53:00.015-07:00

Yep so I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Game 7 is here and this could possibly be my last pregame post of the season. And I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for Red Wings hockey to be over. So today I'll be pacing, I'll be grumpy, and I'll be waiting for this fucker to start. It's gotten to the point where my manager now jokes that on game days she's going to schedule all my meetings where I either need to negotiate or be "assertive." Yes I'm that cranky with anticipation.

Last game the Wings were bent over worse than Crosby during an afternoon love making session with Bettman. Not only did the Coyotes out work them, but they threw in a number of cheap shots for good measure. And now it's up to the Wings. Now they need to remember both the humiliation as well as the anger from Sunday's abortion.

But rest assured. Because as you can see in the picture below, the future captain has some determination. He's willing to drive hard to the net and put in the dirty work other skill players shy away from. Anyone willing to take this sort of punishment isn't ready for the season to be over.

And there's always Todd Bertuzzi. He doesn't even need to get involved in scrums. His mere stare will eat a soul in 33 seconds flat. That's a secret weapon right there.

Sunday Brad Stuart looked like a ghost from Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals past. It was an awful afternoon for him. And yet, I don't think he's ready for the season to end. And this first period shortie from Game 6. Sure Jimmy may forget the disappointment, but he will remember enough not to let that happen again.

Remember, there's always Filppula. If he could have won the game by himself on Sunday he would have. Consistent winning hasn't left him jaded. He's ready to add another Stanley cup to his list of accomplishments.

And in addition to Filppula there's always Justin Abdelkader. Ahhhh yes, a Spartan. A Michigan State boy who willing went back down to the minors to put his time in waiting for this opportunity with the big club. You think this guy wants to go home early? Do you think he's going to forget about Derek Morris' balless cheap shot from Sunday. Probably not.

Datsyuk. What more do you need to say other than his name. There's no one in the league like him. And just look at the fear on the Coyote's face.

With this group of Red Wings, I hope to see this all over the ice tonight. Coyotes crying in the fetal position because their season just came to an end.

You have to like the Wings chances. Especially with a psychotic face like this in net.

I hope to be back later with some pregame updates if the stress doesn't kill me first.

It's game 7 boys and girls. Are you fucking ready to do this?

Let's Look to the Stars....Again....and Again

2010-04-26T07:04:00.003-07:00

Since this has worked the last 2 games, I'm hoping the stars and AOL Horoscopes will help us out again. I didn't post them on Saturday before game 6 and we all know how Sunday went. Sigh. I hated Sunday.

Anywho, here's a look at tomorrow's horoscopes for some of our favorite players. Cross your fingers and toes.

Player: Patrick Eaves

Sign: Taurus

4/27 Horoscope: There could be a return to normalcy, with the Moon's visit to your 6th House of Daily Routine. Although you know that there are big changes unfolding at work, your smartest strategy is to simply do your job today without getting caught up in the big picture. It's impossible for you to know how everything will play out in the long run, so concentrate on keeping things as stable as you can for now.

My Take: Ok this one makes me happy. I'm still not riding a unicorn picking daisys in a valley happy (thanks to Sunday) but I like this horoscope for Patrick Eaves. Especially considering he is one of the key penalty killers. First, it tells us things will return to normal. Which can only mean one thing, the Wings will start to play like the motherfucking Red Wings and not that freaky pod team we've seen so much this season. Second, Eaves is a free agent after this season. Big changes could be coming to the Wings roster whether we feel confident about it or not. Eaves just needs to play hard and have a great game and use those thoughts of uncertainty as motivation. I like it.

Player: Niklas Kronwall

Sign: Capricorn

4/27 Horoscope: You can be quite strategic in your planning today, for your professional objectives are clear and you'll do whatever it takes to reach your destination. But nothing is as straightforward as it initially seems and as the day progresses you are required to balance your own needs with the needs of your friends and associates. Don't assume that your dreams are in line with everyone's. Nevertheless, continue to clarify your ambitions and work steadily to attain your goals.

My Take: Ah Kronwall. Between him and the Mule I've screamed at the TV more this series than I did all season. He certainly hasn't been up to par. And I hate saying that since he's always been one of my favorite players. The one thing about Kronwall, he always seems genuinely pissed when the Wings lose. He wants to win. His objective is clear. Perhaps how he helps the team achieve their goal is the only portion up in the air. Will he be the feared Kronwall with open ice hits, or will he be the offensive minded clutch goal scorer? There's no way to fucking tell, but if one of those Kronwall personalities makes an appearance, I feel pretty damn good about the Wings chances.

Player: Brad Stuart

Sign: Scorpio

4/27 Horoscope: You have more going on in your imagination today than anyone could possibly guess. Fortunately, you are able to hide your fantasies from everyone else without too much effort, but keeping your secrets will become more difficult as the day unfolds. Ultimately, your actions could give away your real feelings, especially if you've grown tired of pretending everything is okay when it's not. Letting the truth out little by little is wiser now than doing it all at once.

My Take: Yes I know this doesn't say much about the game tomorrow. But it may further prove the distraction that Karen Newman has become. I think it explains game 3 and 6.

Player: Jimmy Howard

Sign: Aries

4/27 Horoscope: Although you try to remain unbiased, you do know what you want and your feelings continue to intensify throughout the day. At first, the graceful Libra Moon assists in your process of finding equilibrium but you are unable to hold on to a detached point of view once it enters Scorpio. Be willing to let go of your previous expectations in order to make room for something new to enter your life.

My Take: It's time for Jimmy to let go of Game 6 and the desire he had to bring Hockeytown to the second round. If he refocuses and moves on, he can still accomplish his goal in Game 7. One thing to say about Jimmy, the kid seems to thrive on adversity. He bounces back and dare I say rebounds quite well. The Wings will need him focused and able to do so again on Tuesday.

Player: Justin Abdelkader AND Filppula

Sign: Pisces

4/27 Horoscope: Your performance at work today makes your friends see how determined you are, but you have more going on than meets the eye. Although they might think you are trying to impress them, you are actually pushing yourself to accomplish as much as you can while you still feel in control. Keep in mind that although everything seems to be very intense, you have a couple of weeks to organize yourself before the window of opportunity begins to close.

My Take: Both Adelkader and Filppula have had fantastic series. Abby has brought a physical presence and as witnessed by Morris' cheap shot and unprovoked attack on our favorite MSU alum, he has started to piss off some Coyotes. Top that with the goal he scored and the kid has made his presence known. If everyone plays on Tuesday with even half of his determination, I like the Wings chances.

And Filppula, wow. It has certainly been a turning point season for him. I'm pretty sure he's attempting to compete for a spot on Babcock's man crush list. Keep it up.

Player: Darren Helm

Sign: Aquarius

4/27 Horoscope: You are able to see the benefits along with the potential pitfalls of your current plan, but negative thoughts won't deter you from trying to get ahead now. At first, your friends might wonder if you're playing a game, but as the plot thickens they realize how important your success is to you at this time. Don't back down just because you're worried about what everyone else thinks. For now, persistence is your best guarantee of success.

My Take: First of all. Please be ok Darren Helm. Pretty please. I'm not sure I'm ready for a game where Detroit's faster player, possibly the only person who will consistently out skate the puck, is not available to play. I'm hoping those piece of shit pussy Coyotes haven't taken him out of the game. Because if they haven't, I like this horoscope. Just like Abdelkader, he's determine and he I hope the rest of the team will feed off of this.

And there it is. The short, quick, and dirty player horoscopes for 4/27. As long as the Red Wings decide it is important enough to TRY, we should feel pretty confident. Well, at least thats what I tell myself.

It has to be a Nightmare

2010-04-26T06:13:00.002-07:00

Sigh. What the hell kind of god damn bipolar week was that? Seriously. Ups and downs. Moments of brilliance and then a game of utter lackluster play. I'm irritated. And yes, even a little grumpy.

I haven't posted in a few days and I was all set to recap and recount my last Thursday night where I was able to meet Nick Lidstrom, Darren Helm, Tomas Holmstrom, Jimmy Howard oh yes, and more. I even have pictures. And then I was all set to jump into my recap of Game 5 and the awesome time I had with thousands of other Wings fans at Jobing.com watching the Wings beat the Coyotes at home.

But then yesterday happened. Yesterday was a kick to the stomach. That "game" really took the wind out of my sails and well, just throw in any other cliche metaphor you can think of at this point. Where was the effort? The drive, the determination in an elimination game no less. As soon as the power play failed to capitalize on a 5 on 3, the Coyotes scored a shortie, and the pk decided to revert back to habits from November, you knew the game was done.

I can't imagine this team thought it would be a great idea to go to a game 7. I can't imagine they love Phoenix (because who really does?) to such a degree that they felt the need to come back. And I sure as hell can't believe they thought the Coyotes would lie down and take it up the ass in an elimination game.

I've already had to post an open letter begging for a little effort. Begging that if the Wings lose, at least go down while trying. At least show up. I feel a bit dirty having to do so again. So I won't.

They have one last shot on Tuesday. All the other wins, all the other loses, meaningless. It comes down to a single game elimination in fucking Glendale Arizona.

I hope they will remember the cheap shots, dirty plays, and chicken shit behavior displayed by the Phoenix Coyotes. The behavior that made it perfectly clear that even though Doan may not be playing, his influence, encouragement, and legacy of heartless cheap shots lives on.

Filppula

Abdelkader

Helm (please, please be ok)

Yes, use the anger and embarrassment to crush these cheap shot fuckers at home, in front of their bandwagon fans. Help send the fans back to the other sports they usually "follow." And put hockey in the desert back to it's rightful place.

I'll be back later with my look to the stars because I didn't do so before yesterday's game and maybe, just maybe AOL Horoscopes would have been able to give me a heads up for the national abortion I witnessed.

Let's Look to the Stars....Again

2010-04-22T06:00:00.002-07:00

So Monday of this week, which by the way feels like ages ago, I did a post regarding the horoscopes of some of our favorite Wings players. The stars seemed to align and foretold of a Wings victory. A positive outcome. So I figured I'd give it a shot again today. I mean what the hell. It's another day without a game and I'll be sure to cherry pick the players as I did before.

Player: Pavel Datsyuk

Sign: Cancer

4/23 Horoscope: You have an extra large supply of will power today and would be wise to put it to good use. Although your communication skills are heightened now, you still could get yourself into a bit of trouble by mixing up your favorite fantasy with the actual truth. Don't trust your perceptions because they may bend reality in your favor. Instead, check out your assumptions by asking a close friend for his or her perspective. You'll have a better sense of what's happening once you have another point of view.

My Take: I don't know about you, but to me, Datsyuk doesn't seem like a guy who spends his day dreaming of finding Gary's secret stash of Sidney Crosby pictures. You know the ones they took last summer vacation where Gary dressed up as the naughty nurse and Crosby the "brooding" doctor. So I'm not too worried about day dreaming taking away from his game on Friday night. Especially when the stars and AOL Horoscopes tell us he has an extra supply of will power. A determined Datsyuk ready to put the upstart Phoenix players in their place. What more could we ask for.

Player: Patrick Eaves

Sign: Taurus

4/23 Horoscope: You aren't as sure that you know exactly what you want even though the Moon's entry into your playful 5th House today boosts your desire for pleasure. Paradoxically, while you have a practical approach to the concept of satisfaction, it becomes more elusive now as you attempt to reach it. But don't give up just because you don't have the clarity you want; your sheer determination will win out in the end.

My Take: While the beginning doesn't make me think of singing puppies and chocolate roses, the end should leave us feeling pretty damn good. The Wings have flown safely into hockey hell. And aside from avoiding getting a sun burn, their only goal, and the only satisfaction they seek while in the Valley of the Sun is knocking Gary's ugly bastard child of a hockey team out of the playoffs. So if the planets, moons, and stars are letting us know that Eaves hard work will win out in the end, I feel good. This has been a redemption season for the kid. Signed for cheap he's added invaluable energy to the lineup. He's beaten both Ville Leino and Jason Williams for a starting spot. When he works hard and wants something, he gets it. Yeah, I like this horoscope.

Player: Niklas Kronwall

Sign: Capricorn

4/23 Horoscope: You have an abundance of creative energy now, yet it's challenging to find an outlet for even the most practical of your ideas. Your actions may not have the positive impact you want, turning your enthusiasm to discouragement. Don't give up, for the clouds of illusion can dissipate suddenly, leaving you with clear vision. If you know what you want, your determination and hard work will eventually pay off.

My Take: Ok so this hasn't been Kronwall's best series. Let's be honest. There have even been flashes and unwanted sightings of KronVall along the way. But, if he keeps a positive attitude and keeps working hard, it should turn around. There was a noticeable improvement last game, perhaps Game 5 will be the breakout he needs. When all the energy and hard work pays off. I'm anticipating a perfectly timed Kronwalled moment.

Player: Brad Stuart

Sign: Scorpio

4/23 Horoscope: You are driven by the idea of accomplishing something very concrete today. However, it's challenging to keep your mind from wandering into the distracting realms of sensual pleasure. As lovely as your fantasies may be now, it's really up to you whether or not to encourage them with your attention. You'll enjoy the present moment more if it contributes to the enduring satisfaction of reaching your goals.

My Take: Ok we get it. Stuart isn't the only person who longing thinks of Karen Newman and her new money makers. I'm pretty sure there's an entire fan club set up over at A2Y, along with a tight election for President. But luckily with the Wings being on the road, the distraction will be gone. He can now focus all of his energy towards reaching his goal of crushing Shane Doan's hopes and dreams once and for all. Because let's be honest, with the dirty way that bastard has played, how wonderful would it be if the Wings organization not only to shat on his Olympic dreams, but also his Stanley Cup aspirations. No sympathy for the head hunter and I'm sure Stuart doesn't have any either.

Player: Jimmy Howard

Sign: Aries

4/23 Horoscope: You look like you are ready to take a risk now in order to get something you have wanted for a while. But beneath your cavalier appearance, you're probably doing more calculations than anyone might realize. When you finally do climb out on a limb, you optimistically believe that you won't fall. To be safe, just make sure you've built your strategy on facts and not false assumptions based on unrealistic fantasies.

My Take: Oh you can be sure our young James wants this more than he does a Champps Restaurant Mile High Pie. (and as a girl who can down one of those by herself, it's a hard dessert to pass up.) Everyone else doubted James, assumed he wouldn't make it in the NHL. Everyone but Jimmy himself. So you can be sure he's done the research and prepared for Game 5. He'll take a risk, but he'll be ready to succeed.

Player: Dan(ny) Cleary

Sign: Sagittarius

4/23 Horoscope: It's important to follow through with your promises at work today, for others are counting on your performance. Although you take your job quite seriously now, it's easy to misinterpret what's expected of you by getting the details mixed up. Listen to your instructions extra carefully, write them down and then double check that you heard them correctly. This might seem like overkill, but it can save you from needlessly wasting time and energy.

My Take: Cleary was put on the top line last game to add some speed and break through the trap. And he certainly accomplished that. Promises and expectations are high. As hard as it may be to understand Datsyuk at times, that will apparently be the key to Cleary's success tomorrow night. Perhaps someone should send him a copy of Russian for Dummies to help him along. But none-the-less I still feel confident about this horoscope.

And there you have it folks. The stars once again lined up and we should feel confident going into Friday's game. Because seriously, what additional reassurance could you possibly need aside from a collection of AOL Horoscopes?

I Feel Better this Morning

2010-04-21T06:00:00.004-07:00

Well what can I say other than, that was playoff hockey. Intense, sometimes tentative, on your seat, shat your pants, playoff hockey.

Game three reminded me of this video. Things just weren't clicking. The Wings weren't giving it their best effort and the win (or the sandal) was just always out of their reach. (By the way, I love drunk people.)

But tonight they grabbed that win (sandal) by the balls and came up with the victory.

I missed the first period thanks to some fantastic and well thought out scheduling that had the game start at 3:30 Phoenix time. We don't participate in day light savings. And yes everything really is ass backwards here. But during the ride home, at every stop light, safety first, I refreshed my blackberry to find out the score. With every slow refresh, fuck you Verizon, I held my breathe and counted to 10 hoping I wouldn't see the Wings down a goal or two. When I finally arrived home and ran (alright this is me, I walked briskly) to the TV and my computer to find the score still 0-0. The great people at A2Y both assured me the Wings were playing better than Game 3, albeit a bit tentative, and that Jimmy Howard seemed focused and prepared.

Semi-sigh. I wasn't ready to really relax, what with the score being 0-0 and one bad bounce changing the course of the game. But at least the Wings decided not to shit the bed in the first minute. It already felt like progress.

Below are my random and quick thoughts about the game. Work is a nasty bitch today.

Immediately in the second period it was clear the Wings forecheck was better. They were hitting through the neutral zone and generating the speed necessary to "solve" the trap. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about Cleary moving to the first line and Homer to the fourth. But now I kinda feel warm and fuzzy about the whole thing.
What else helped the forecheck you ask? The long stretch passes they were finally using and connecting to get behind the Phoenix defense. My eyes may be deceiving me, but I believe I even saw Todd Bertuzzi win a foot race and start the cycle. At that point you knew either the Apocalypse was coming or the Wings were going to win.....basically the same scenario either way for Gary.
Both teams seemed to be playing a bit tentatively at times. Like they knew this shit was going to be close and the first team to score was basically going to win. The difference, Phoenix looked like they were playing not to lose and Detroit was playing to win. And no, that's not the same thing.
The Wings PK went 6 for 6. It was unfuckingbelievable. They even killed a 5 on 3 for 17 seconds after a weak Lilja hooking penalty late in the 3rd. Jimmy was on, Helm, Eaves, Miller, they had that bitch rolling. Fantastic effort and with each kill they deflated the Coyotes just a little bit more.
Now being in Phoenix I was forced to listen to the Coyotes feed (I used to like you Dave Strader) so I missed the interesting Lidstrom facts such as his favorite Karaoke song is "Sweet Home Alabama" and if he weren't a hockey player he would be an engineer. One, what a strange song choice for a Swedish hockey player living in Michigan and two, I guarantee he has a fantastic singing voice. Would you expect anything else? Homer probably breaks down into tears of joy each time he hears Lidstrom break out the chorus.
Moving right along out of order of course, Howard had possibly the save of the game. Was it his most difficult, probably not. But it was his bad ass move of the night. After taking a shot to the head, his helmet falls off and he still covers up the rebound. I'm pretty sure after game three he would have stopped that puck with his mouth if it came to that point. He wanted the win and the shut out.
Jimmy was then rewarded by the bipolar Wings fans and they started a Jim-my, Jim-my chant and gave him the big O. I mean ovation you sick fucks. You know he both peed himself a bit out of excitement and rewarded himself with an entire banana cream pie when he got home.
At one point on the bench, Zetterberg looked hurt. He limped off and hung his head in pain. How did I react? Calmly of course. First I threw up in my mouth a little and then I changed the spot I was sitting on the couch. Obviously to realign the fate of the Wings. I think it worked.
At the start of the third period, Helm had a big hit and a few great shifts. After a rather blah series so far, he turned it up for this game. I told you, he just needed to adjust to the buzz cut and figure out the aerodynamics of it all. Future engineer Nick Lidstrom probably drew up a diagram and created a powerpoint presentation that morning to help the kid out.
I'm still waiting for playoff Franzen to show up. I'm this close to reinstating the face on the milk carton campaign. I would put a crazed picture of playoff Mule on there in hopes someone would find him. Chances are he wandered away, got lost, and is now working as a runaway stripper in some dive bar by the airport. If you see him, please return to Joe Louis Arena ASAP. The Wings and the fans miss him. And yes I know he assisted on Datsyuks goal. And he did have a big hit in the third which caused Tyson Nash to say "wakey, wakey" I still shutter because of that. But aside from that, the only other time I noticed him was when he took a penalty. No questions asked, the Wings need him to start delivering.
At the start of the third the Wings seemed to have issues with turning the puck over and I began to fear the Coyotes would take over and dominate. They had some quality scoring chances and their game plan was to shoot high on Howard's stick side. I was just happy they were up 1-0 after the first Zetterberg goal.
Favorite part of the game, Zetterberg scoring his second of the night and Datsyuk scoring his first, 25 seconds a part. And that was the game folks.
As my friends little kid said, "there were octopuses all over," and the crowd at the Joe was on their feet, screaming, singing, chanting, and cheering the Wings to their victory and Howard to his first career playoff shut out.

It was a white knuckle effort until Zetterberg scored that first goal late in the second. The Wings certainly looked better, but it still wasn't the best we've seen them play this year. With the talent and experience that team still has more to offer. And we should take that in and use it to get through the next 2 days. Because the effort was there. It was finally there. The series is now tied 2-2 and the Wings need to bring it all, the talent, the hard work, the drive on Friday. I feel so much better about going to game 5.

It's Called Hockey In The Valley...sigh

2010-04-20T12:11:00.002-07:00

I've made no secret of the fact that I live in this hockey hell that is Phoenix, Arizona. When the Wings went on their post Olympic run, I hoped and dreamed they would meet Phoenix in the first round. I was selfish. I wanted to see a few playoff games live. So really, it's my own fault that I now have to deal with multiple lame attempts at taunting, having the same question asked over and over by friends and coworkers "what happened to the Wings," multiple versions of dead octopi on my desk, and ultimately, people in the valley finally learning they have a hockey team. So you'll understand why I may or may not be a little, tiny bit bitchy today.

AZ Central is one of the online news sources for Arizona. Today they had a delightful article regarding Shane Doan's injury. The article didn't irritate me really, but the comments were of the ridiculous variety. I pulled out a few of my favorites. Not sure if I should feel badly for these people, laugh at them, or bitch about them....

First Up:

Ahhh band wagon fans and playoff virgins. Clearly they have no idea how playoff injury reporting works or why a team would choose to do this.

geez, thanks for the precise injury report ... now we don't have to speculate on the location, and severity of the injury ... at least it wasn't a lower body injury, heaven forbid ..... k s a 'yotes .....

You're fucking with us right? This isn't the Mighty Ducks.

Though the Coyotes may be without it's captain this team will continue to stick together and get the job done. If it is at all possible, Tippett should have Shane behind the bench. Not to coach, but to be the captain and help push the guys to win the game.

I know in general, I'm not a warm fuzzy, person, so this one, for fucks sake. You have got to be kidding me.

Get well Captain!! You took the wall instead of the goalie, that was classy. The boys will work hard for you and hold down the fort until you can play! Your fans are proud of you and the whole team! Go Coyotes, use those boards in the Joe! :)

This commentator didn't like someone calling their "Captain" a goon. I refuse to make fun of a child...not today anyway

Goon? U R a dope!

Ahh yes, lesson one of the playoffs, always fuck with a winning lineup and put in your lesser talented players.

Glad to have Fiddler back tonight. I'd like to see one of the guys on the sideline activated for tonight (maybe Bissonette, Tikhonov, or Boedker). Those guys have been chomping at the bit and this is a good opportunity to insert one of them.

Yep. I live and work with people who have conversations like this.

It will sting the team, but I truly believe, with their PACK MENTALITY, that this will make the team even more angry, stronger, and provide even higher incentive to go and grab one for their Captain.A wounded Coyote is not a good animal to taunt.GO YOTES!!AWHHHOOOOOOOO!!

I hate that fucking wolf howl.

Pretty Please with Sugar on Top??

2010-04-20T06:08:00.004-07:00

So I sat down at my computer this morning at 4:30....yes I have the same schedule as an 80 year old, and had every intention of writing a game preview. While rare for me, I wanted to give it a shot.

But all that I could come up with was the same stuff I have been shouting and bitching about since game one. Better defensive coverage, stop turning the puck over in the neutral zone, puck possession, shoot the DAMN puck...blah blah blah. And since the pit of fear deep in my stomach (the one moving farther and farther up) has me feeling neither jolly or creative, I couldn't really come up with too much else. Perhaps I'll continue my trend and post twice in one day to make up for this piece of shit. Who knows.

Until then, below is my open letter to the Detroit Red Wings. Short, simple, and sweet....just like me. Oh and I'm totally sure they'll read it. (dripping in sarcasm)

Dear Red Wings,

We love you. No really we do. I get it, we can be harsh at times. We can bitch. We can complain. And we can even tear you a new ass hole when things don't go well. But it's only because we care.

You'll remember, that when you're playing to your ability, when you're putting forth a huge effort, so are we. Cheering, chanting, jumping up and down like the drunk psychotic manics you know and love. We do it at the Joe and at arenas throughout the United States and Canada. We ignore the threats from other fans, bathroom confrontations from shemen, and the law to celebrate our team. Win or lose we love our team, we just ask for an effort.

But when you keep bitch slapping us in the face by not putting out the effort we know you can, there are millions of sad faces around the world. Herm in Brazil, Andy in Norway, poor Sully in Phoenix. It's time to turn those frowns upside down.

So tonight, I beg you. Please, please, please, please please, try hard. Please work hard. Please use your skill and talent. Please crush this piece of shit talentless team that is now cocky enough thinking they deserve to beat the Detroit Red Wings. Please put their "fans" back where they belong, rooting for the Suns or the Diamondbacks.

Just please try hard tonight. That's all we ask. Just for the effort. Just for the emotion and pure desire to crush and destroy Shane Doan and his pack of puppy dog bitches. Because when that efforts there, it will pump up that crowd at the Joe. The crowd of thousands cheering you along attempting to will you to win. Holding their breathe at every odd man rush and losing their shit each time you score.

Please just try. For the fans.

Hugs and kisses,

The #1 fans

Let's Look to the Stars

2010-04-19T11:18:00.003-07:00

Today's been, well, it's been sort of depressing if we're going to be honest here. There's some anger, doom, gloom, and some serious Coyote ass kissing going on. So I've had enough. Whenever things make me sad, I know it's time to turn to the nonsensical and ridiculous.

So if you are looking for anything actually related to hockey, first of all why are you here? And second, you should probably stop reading, right about now. Because below I have pulled tomorrow's horoscopes for some of our favorite Red Wings. Perhaps to give us some insight into what game 4 will bring.

Now I know what you are thinking. I'm a crazy bitch and how could horoscopes really give us a look into the future. Well, with the way Jobu fucked us, the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde split personalities this team seems to have, and the fact that I only picked players with horoscopes that made me happy, it should be pretty accurate. I know, that's some sound logic right there.

So here we go:

Player: Jimmy Howard

Sign: Aries

4/20 Horoscope: There's no need to pretend that you have everything under control today. In fact the more you try to hide your lack of confidence, the more transparent you will be. But you have a chance now to turn your shortcomings into strengths if you are willing to go out on a limb and admit your fears. Instead of appearing foolish by covering up what everyone already knows, get your concerns out into the open. Others will be willing to support you if they know you are being honest.

My Take: It's time for Jimmy to tell his teammates he needs some fucking support and that his rebounds look juicier to the Coyotes than Crosby's ass does to Bettman. Perhaps this will open their eyes, they'll start covering the lanes, forwards will begin backchecking, and they'll finally breakout of the defensive zone without immediately turning the puck over. All of that may in fact happen if Jimmy admits his shortcomings...hmmm it's either that or he needs to tell them where Osgood has hidden his mojo. Either one seems feasible.

Player: Johan Franzen

Sign: Capricorn

4/20 Horoscope: Remaining sensitive to other people's needs today can be the key to your current happiness. It's not that you are co-dependent; it's just that your life is truly intertwined with those closest to you and you don't live in a vacuum. Although you might prefer to avoid an overly emotional meltdown, sticking with a discussion about your feelings can lead to revitalizing a troubled relationship.

My Take: I think this really points us to the reason for Franzen's current poor level of play. He's having a fight with Homer. Once again, Holmstrom went on a crazed Swedish candy sugar high and stole Franzen's video tape (not DVD) of Saturday Night Fever. Not only was Franzen's pregame ritual thrown off, but he also can't stand the sight of that stinky figured man. If they sit down, have a good chat, and work it out, playoff Mule should return.

Player: Pavel Datsyuk

Sign: Cancer

4/20 Horoscope: It's not easy to cover up your feelings today, even if you attempt to hide behind your shell. But paradoxically, your worries can morph into your greatest strengths now; if you embrace them you'll be able to overcome the obstacles they portend. But if you make believe that everything is fine, your fears can grow and complicate your day even further.

My Take: Fanfuckingtastic. Datsyuk is one player who generally seems pissed when he loses. So I like this horoscope. Take the fears of going down 3-1 to Gary's second favorite team, and use them to make the series even. So if we go off this Wings fans, we're fine. No really. AOL Horoscopes told me so....

Player: Patrick Eaves

Sign: Taurus

4/20 Horoscope: The Sun's return to your sign today marks the beginning of your birthday month. You would be wise to reconsider your priorities and allow time for both work and play. Your well of energy is deeper now, so putting in a little extra effort on the job should pay off. But don't forget about giving yourself enough time to relax. Maintaining your health is easier when physical activity is offset by sufficient rest.

My Take: Patrick Eaves has been one player, consistently trying and give 110 every night. So the fact that our psychic friends are telling us he can do more. That's great news. And perhaps he could even do a little transference and give some of that energy to say Bertuzzi or Ericisson. You know to share the wealth and spread the effort out.

Player: Henrik Zetterberg

Sign: Libra

4/20 Horoscope: You are motivated to take care of others today, but you might not be willing to stop with your family. You may choose to carry your loving and nurturing energy out into your community or workplace. Just be careful that your desire to enhance the lives of those around you could be taken too far. Don't stick your nose into business that's not your concern or you could be perceived as a manipulative person when you only meant to help.

My Take: This horoscope is two fold. First, he's going to help his teammates out of this collective funk because it smells worse than Shane Doan after.....oh for fucks sake forget. Second, he's going to help the Coyotes remember their place. And sure, they'll resent it. Perhaps they'll hate our future Captain for trying to show them the light. Maybe they'll even be a little butt sore, but too damn bad. Better they learn the lesson now.

Alright this could go on for awhile,but I think it's safe to say we should feel relatively confident. The horoscopes and the stars are lining up. The players should be all set for this must win game. We now have sufficient evidence. Just don't read about the Aquarius. That sign doesn't seem to excited about careers for tomorrow....

Yep. This season has officially caused me to lose my fucking mind.

Don't Drop the Octopus

2010-04-19T06:03:00.003-07:00

That weekend was full of more emotional highs and lows that a teenage girl who just got her first period. Yes I went there. I'm all sorts of pissed off and bitchy so why the hell not. Yes I still am. So let me begin with the highs before I delve deep into self pitty and depression.

Friday night was awesome. My first playoff game ended exactly how I had hoped. With a Red Wings win. Myself, my husband, and a few friends met up with Sully, Calquake, and Mike Serven. Fantastic people all around. We had a great time. I have been indoctrinating my Arizona friends for years now. I've made them Wings fans. So when my one friend showed up in a red shirt with something in Swedish written across the front, I decided my transformation was complete. Unfortunately, later in the evening, we learned google translator is not the best source for accurate Swedish phrases. Some Swedish guy we met at a bar basically told her that her shirt said she was ready for a gang bang, or something along those lines. Anyway, definitely not what it was supposed to say.

But aside from the t-shirt foul and Sully nearly getting gang banged in a Glendale jail, the night was a resounding success. Sully has his write up at NOHS. There's really not much more I can add to this. Nothing to say except that Wings fans are awesome people. When else would you feel totally comfortable meeting up with people from the Internet knowing full well you would have a great time? So thanks to Calquake, Serven, and Sully for adding to my first playoff game experience.

And this is the spot where I had every intention of writing about how I can't wait to go to the game on Friday. How much fun that will be and yada yada yada. But quite frankly right now I'm too scared for that shit. I'm petrified that it could be a must win situation. I'm terrified that the Coyotes could be up 3 to 1 in the series and I will publicly make a fool of myself while dropping to the fetal position and peeing my pants. I'm 25, that shit just isn't acceptable anymore.

I don't understand what the hell was going on yesterday. Who was that shit brick of a team? That team that put out 50 percent of an effort and decided that was enough. How can a fully stocked Red Wings team lose to the fucking Coyotes...who were missing Fiddler and Doan? And most importantly, how can I care about the outcome of this series more than a professional athlete?

How is that we fans live and breathe the game. Have our moods altered, stress out during every odd man rush, every Jimmy Howard rebound, every turn over in the neutral zone, and the Wings players show little to no emotion? Can they show they care, just a little bit? Show a bit more effort. Something anything.

It's one thing to lose when the Wings put out their best effort. It's another thing entirely to lose when they seem to be hardly trying. Especially in the second and third periods. Yes, yes intent to blow came back to butt fuck them, but again, it shouldn't have been an issue. The Wings are responsible for allowing a goal within the first minute, for allowing the Coyotes to get comfortable at the Joe, in front of their fans. Fans who have been loyal through all the ups and downs of this fucktastic season. And that's how you were repaid folks. With that performance on a Sunday afternoon.

Below are a few other thoughts about the game. And just a few. I'm trying to remain positive. Trying to look at the fact that the Wings lost 2 games in the first round in 1998, 2002, and 2008. Trying to convince myself that everything will be alright. It doesn't help when it looks like they want a longer summer.

Jimmy Howard. He hasn't played terrible, but he's appeared average. Not the game stealer, ass saver we watched during the regular season. At 26, and with 5 years of professional hockey experience, I assumed he would be fine during the playoffs, but he seems off. That swagger that fuck you attitude, well it seems to be gone. Granite that may be due to the fact that his teammates have left him out to dry on multiple occasions, but he should be used to that by now. We need Jimmy to pull his shit together.
Franzen. Is he hurt? Is it a knee issue? Does someone have to tell him that Shane Doan is really Patrick Kane in a fugly cheap mask? Something anything to get him pissed off and fired up. Where the fuck is playoff Mule? He seems slow, he's avoiding driving the net, and he's not backchecking like the beast we all know and love. Yes he had an amazing goal last game, but that's it. The Wings need more from him.
Abdelkader. Fantastic game. Not only is he hitting, but he's backchecking, registering take aways at the perfect times, providing much needed energy, and stealing your girlfriend. If everyone on the team would give the effort Abby is giving, well I wouldn't be all bitchy this morning.
Kronwall. Did he and Mule decide to slowly kill us all together? Perhaps Babcock needs to put a curfew on their late night sleepovers/gab sessions/ hair braiding extravaganzas, because they both seem tried. I don't really want to talk about it.
Homer. Hi yes Red Wings, he is most effective when he sets up shop in front of the net. But remember, that's two fold. Some shots need to make it to the net for him to do his job. Without that, he just looks like a cheap whore rubbin his ass on some guy in a club.
Darren Helm. I feel dirty. I feel bad even thinking this shit let alone typing it. I'm scared Herm's going to fly from Brazil to come here and bitch slap me. But what's up with Helm? He isn't using his speed to create space and opportunities and he seems to have inherited Lebda's puck handling ability. It must be due to his new buzz cut throwing off his aerodynamics. There is no other explanation.

I could honestly go on and on. Discuss the theory of putting a Team USA t-shirt underneath Rafalski's Red Wings sweater in order to trick him into playing well. I could develop a plan to put super glue or some other sticky substance on Al's hands so he never fucking drops an Octopus again. We could all discuss the options of the best way to scare the shit out of Bertuzzi to the point that he will never do that damn spin o rama during an odd man rush again. Anything.

But what it comes down to is simple. The Wings third and fourth lines were their best. The first two need to step up and dominate. And every single Wings player needs to put out 110% effort. If that doesn't start, its going to be a long, long summer. Tuesday is as must win as them come. A loss is not an option. Flying back to hockey hell down 3-1 is a death sentence. A fate worse than a night in Gary's basement, ok maybe not, but you get what I'm saying.

They need to dig deep and decide if they want this, if they really want to begin another quest for the cup. Because right now, they don't seem too sure. Right now they don't seem to want it.

I'm hoping to be back later this afternoon with sunshine and rainbows shooting out my ass, something a bit more positive.

It's Finally Here

2010-04-16T06:18:00.002-07:00

Holy shit was that not the longest Thursday ever? For fucks sake during points of the day I began counting down the minutes until Friday. Productivity be damned apparently.

At least mserven posted a smorgasbord of pictures on twitter from his day at the Wings practice. I told myself I would attempt to push aside any jealous feelings but I just can't. That lucky bitch was able to see Stevie Y and some impromptu soccer. I'm promising myself I'll go to the practice before game 5.

So tonight's game 2. It's also the night I lose my playoff game virginity. Wait that sounds weird. Nevermind. Anyway, moving on, I'll finally be attending my first Wings playoff game. Myself and some friends will have the distinct pleasure of meeting up with Sully, Serven, and Calquake. Awesome. Should be a fantastic time. We have an IV bag full of beer and a nurse on hand ready to hook Sully up. The only remaining question, do I rock the Feed the Mule t-shirt or the Dangle Dangle....life is full of really fucking hard decisions.

Moving along to some pregame nonsense. In my post game rant or whatever the hell that was, I mentioned that I may or may not have had some animosity for JWilly. I also begged or bitched, not sure which one, that Abdelkader be put in the line up. Well my wishes were answered. Tonight Abby or Gator or Abdekaldkfjelkjsfsdk will make his triumphant return to the 4th line. I'm women enough to admit I nearly peed my pants with excitement over the thought that someone other than Helm or Stuart will be in the line up willing to spend much of his shift hitting Coyotes. Yes this Michigan State Alumnus knows his role and you can be damn sure he wants that spot in the line up and will work to keep it. Williams can sit his ass down and enjoy the Phoenix sun and his fatty pay check. I'm just asking for one big, yet clean hit on Shane Doan. Send a message early.

In other news, when John Keating isn't busy lusting over Lilja he spends his time writing. He's a multi-tasker like that. Yesterday he wrote this piece. (via Snapshots) The only way this whole bandwagon nonsense could have been wrapped more concisely is if Larry Murphy himself became a writer.

In this bandwagon world in which we live, this town, which didn't give a lizard's behind about hockey for awhile, at least for now, is on board. The arena was filled for a playoff game, they had that Whiteout idea left over from a previous incarnation as Winnipeg Jets and, for a change, the majority seemed to be rooting for the home team and not the Red Wings. Winning seems to fix things.

While they finished ahead of Detroit in the conference standings, there is this feeling that the Wings are the favorites. This is Rocky meets Slap Shot here. Their regular season had the Coyotes feeling all giddy, and some of the populace actually might have become fans.

It's a reminder of how good we have it in Detroit. Where passion doesn't have to be artificially created. Where traditions live and continue from a generation to the next. It could be argued that Detroit was much darker than the situation here in Phoenix back in the mid-80's, but we had Howe and Delvecchio and Sawchuk and Abel -- history to call upon -- and knew that better days were ahead.

Phoenix had Gretzky for a minute, but it was an odd fit and actually contributed to the soap opera here.

Now that they're winning, there is a buzz here in the Valley of the Sun. But it will last only as long as they're winning. Which is living on a hockey edge. The Wings will have something to say about, not just the Coyotes season, but their very literal future.

Boom roasted.

Drew over at Nightmare on Helm Street said it best:

I'm still thinking that we've already seen the best that Phoenix has to offer.

Exactly. And Detroit, well last game was some of the worst they have to offer. So in the bright sunshine of this Friday morning, here's how I see it. If Phoenix's best can only beat Detroit's worst by one goal and multiple advantages awarded by the refs, I'm feeling good about a 7 game series. Now I still firmly believe it is pertinent to split these first two games, but it's not the end all be all for this team.

A few keys to tonight's game in typical bullet point fashion.

Win some damn faceoffs in the defensive zone. Enough said.
Kronwall, Stuart, Abdelkader need to set the tone early with some good, hard, CLEAN hits
Everyone knows what the Phoenix game plan is. Play physical. (also known as play like the Ducks and injure as many Red Wings players as possible in hopes of depleting their line up enough to win) Sure the refs will let a bunch of cheap and dirty shit go, but they have to (crossing my fingers) call something. Make them pay on the powerplay. And for fucks sake, bring back the post Olympic PP units. Please, pretty please.
Franzen, our big red headed friend, needs to drive the goddamn net. Please. Whatever it was he was doing on Friday, well he needs to flip that shit around and reverse it. I think it's time that Phoenix (fans and players) meet playoff Mule first hand.
Nick Lidstrom. Apparently he's still a little perturbed that "Filppula" was able to highstick him and get away with it. Let's just sit back and see how the Perfect Human responds.
James Howard. Yes Jimmy and his beer gut will be called upon once again. He played well in his first game and I anticipate him doing so again. As always with young James, rebound control will be key. But we really can't blame him for the massive bounces the puck takes. The puck is really just trying to get away from his crazy fucking eyes.
Tomas Holmstrom's ass. Other teams hate it, Wings fans love it. I'm quite sure in a past life he was a high paid stripper. And the Wings will be looking for him to use all of those skills tonight as he backs that ass up on Brydfjslfjsdklj.
PUCK POSSESSION HOCKEY
Control through the neutral zone.
Set the tempo and come out strong from the first whistle. Drill Bryaldsjfsldj with shot after shot and get the lead and control of the game. Take the refs and Shane Doan's goonery out of the equation. If the Wings play their game, they can beat their two opponents.

Works busy and I'm almost too excited to write anything coherent. So I'll just end with this, it's a big game, in some ways a must win. No one on that team wants to go back to Detroit down two games. The Wings have been playing in must win situations for 2 months now. James knows how to respond, Zetterberg, Datsyuk, they get, Lidstrom is preparing his troops, it should be a hell of a game.

I'll be there surrounded by some bandwagon fans in white, but also with some hard core Wings fans cheering on our team. I had every intention of making a sign to take to the game. Although I quickly realized I am neither witty or creative and am at a loss for ideas. I also have spent an obscene amount of time trying to figure out how to put the sign down my pants if they won't let me take it into Jobbing.com I have a plan. So if anyone has thoughts or ideas for a sign, I'm all ears.

It's game two after a serious wake up call. I'm fired up and I think the Wings are too. I'll try to post again before the game, but if not, I'll be back tomorrow with pictures and LGRW.

Well that was Painful

2010-04-15T05:45:00.002-07:00

Hi excuse me. Excuse me....Hi yes, I have a question. Yes the short person up front with her hand politely fucking raised, yes I have a question.

Where the fuck did the post Olympic Red Wings team go?

And more importantly who's balltastic idea was it to ice the pre-Olympic Red Wings team?

I'd like to speak to the person or persons involved....no, no I promise I'll be calm...it's just that last night was such a clusterfuck of insanity. It blew my fucking mind. After being stuck at work from 4am to 8pm I arrive home and was awarded with that. No, no. Not acceptable.

I really don't want to talk about the shit fest of last night, but I will. I'll also try to remember Drew's Twitter advice that you're not in trouble until you lose on home ice. I'm trying here fuckers. Nameste.

So first things first. I didn't know that Doan and Pronger were long lost cousins. I suppose that explains why he's such a dirty little fucker. (editors note, not in a good way) Seriously, I lost track of the number of dirty hits with intent to injure. He often left his feet, he hit Kronwall high while also punching him in the head, he hit Cleary while a teammate had him tied up, he went after Homer after the whistle...the list goes on and on and on. I get playoff intensity, and I like it. But dirty hits which could injure multiple players on multiple occasions, well that just makes Doan a stinky pussy. I'm guessing this was all allowed because Gary, their creepy uncle that watches them in the shower, was in the stands.
But this does lead me to my next point. Yes the Coyotes got a way with near murder. Yes they looked like the Flyers baby brother after a 17 hour crack binge. But the Wings made the decision to stop skating. The Wings made the decision to sit back, occasionally scramble through the neutral zone, and essentially be completely thrown off their game because they knew illegal dangerous hits were coming. Not acceptable. That's where Stuart and Kronwall need to start laying some players out. Shift the momentum.
Another question, so when did Franzen decide to play with the toughness of a 3 year old ballerina? Wait, I take that back. My sister, the ballet dancer, will kick my ass for that comment. A ballerina would have drove the net more than Franzen did last night.
Can we discuss the high stick that for some fucking reason wasn't called? To make the whole situation even better, they did blow the whistle while the Wings were on the rush. Awesome. Thanks for the ass raping. Now Harry Potter nerds don't shit a brick if I get this wrong. I've only seen the movies. But in them I seem to remember something about unicorn blood giving extra powers but also stealing your soul? Something like that. We'll we already know Doan and company sold their soul and perhaps other body parts, I'm not judging, to Gary last summer. But now they've also made the perfect human bleed. Sure it may have temporarily given them an edge, but the repercussions could be severe. You may remember a team in the Western Conference Finals that speared Lidstrom's ball...yeah see how well that worked out for those fuckers. Lidstrom was apparently slightly irritated when the refs told him they thought it was Fil's stick. Of all my years watching the Wings I've never seen The Perfect Human mad. So enjoy it now Phoenix, you just pissed off the wrong Swede.
But all jokes aside, how was that missed? It was a game changing moment. If Gary hadn't had the refs balls in his purse, I mean satchel, and they made the correct call, the Wings would have been on a 5 on 3.....hmmmmm my tinfoil hat is telling me this smells strongly of the Malkin incident of '09.
Next question, where the fuck did the PK go? Seriously one of the worst power play units in the league went 3 for 3. Unacceptable.
Did anyone else poop their pants, just a little, when Datsyuk was driven hard into the net?
Who wants to bet we see Abdelkader on Friday? Anyone, any takers? Jason Williams can sit the fuck down, I've had enough of him. People strongly disagreed with me when I called for him to be traded. But come on. He was a fourth liner being paid 1.5 million and was completely worthless. He can take his right handed point shot and suck on it. Get Abby out there and have him drill Doan. At least that Michigan State boy will hit, and will do so legally I might add.
Darren Helm went from "the kill" to nearly being killed. For fucks sake, I hope he keeps his head up a little more next game.
Datsyuk and Zetterberg will need to bring a lot more intensity next game and set the pace for their team.

Blah. That game was just all sorts of wrong. It was like finding out that your parents really do have sex. Just awful. Sure the officiating was atrocious. Did it have an affect on the game, absolutely. Sure Shane Doan is a disgusting pussy booger that needs to be put in his place. But the real reason for the loss lies with the Wings. They were out worked, out hustled, and out played by an inferior but hungrier team. They need to take this as their one and only wake up call and get back to puck possession hockey on Friday. Control the tempo and they control the game. I'm hoping they come out and light Phoenix up on Friday. I'll be at the game, getting heckled by jack asses in white, and hope to see Abdelkader and company come out flying.

You don't make the perfect human bleed and get off lightly....

It Begins Today

2010-04-14T04:00:00.003-07:00

And it's finally here. Game one of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. I'm as giddy as a school girl who just talked to her first big crush. The playoffs are always so exciting. But I'm not sure what it is about this year, that makes it feel even more thrilling. Maybe it's finally being so close to the action with the Wings being in town. Maybe it's finally going to my first playoff game. Perhaps it's the 2 month long push the Wings went on to achieve their 19th straight playoff appearance. But chances are, each year the playoffs feel like this, you just forget until the second season, or real season begins.

I started writing a pregame but wasn't sure really where to begin or where to take it. There are many incredibly talented Wings bloggers out there who will do a far better job than I could have. Instead I wanted to focus a bit on quotes from the Wings players themselves as well as clips that show the history and legacy of this Original 6 Franchise.

There has been a lot of smack talk from the new found Coyotes fans and media. Calling Detroit fans douche bags or demanding that Michigan transplants abandon our team to jump on the latest trend. Well just as I refuse to wear leggings I refuse to cheer for the Coyotes.

Below are a few clips from one of my favorite books "What it Means to be a Red Wing." This is why Wings fans remain Red Wings fans for life.

"Every time I put on the Red Wings jersey and see the wheel and the wing, I know I'm ready to go. It goes right through you. It's a great honor to be a Red Wing." - Tomas Holmstrom

"Being a Detroit Red Wing is being a part of a franchise with a long storied history. The winged wheel- putting that on is special when you think about all the players who played in it and the tradition. The one thing I love about the Red Wings is they stay true to their path, especially in terms of their uniform. You feel the history of being an Original Six team. That's an honor. There are two types of teams in the National Hockey League- there's an Original Six team and there's not. You either get to experience it or you don't. The Red Wings had that great uniform, and I always like pulling on the sweater."- A surprisingly coherent Larry Murphy

"My first season we were playing in Los Angeles and we were winning 3-2, but I made a bad play and they scored to send it to overtime. In overtime, I tried to pass to Igor, and Ziggy Palffy stole the puck and scored to win the game. I had just given up two goals! I was so mad on the bus. I wanted someone to tell me it was a bad play and I can't play like that, but no one told me anything. Igor was sitting next to me and I asked him, 'Why isn't anyone telling me how bad I was?' He told me to forget about it and think about tomorrows game; that was what the other guys were doing. It was hard to change my mindset from Russia, where I would always think about what happened in the previous game until the next game started. Igor taught me how to move on; that in the NHL, you learn from your past mistakes, but you leave them behind you."- Pavel Datsyuk

The experience this team and these players have gained not only from their multiple playoff runs but also what was passed down from the greats before them is invaluable. It's a proud tradition Datsyuk, Lidstrom, Zetterberg, and others have been and will continue to pass down to the young guys on the team. This is the experience people discuss when the playoffs roll around. This can be a difference maker.

"It wasn't until the next year, when we played Anaheim, that I really understood what the playoffs were all about and what it meant to play for the Stanley Cup."- Pavel Datsyuk

Phoenix is going to be a tough team. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Detroit will face a hot goalie and a young group of guys with nothing to lose and everything to gain. Every playoff cliche that scares the shit out of me is rolled up into the this Phoenix team. But the playoffs are a unique experience that can't be understood by a team until they get there.

"Being a Detroit Red Wing is about being around the organization and all the players who play here. It's about getting the chance to meet all the great Red Wings legends, like when Ted Lindsay and Mr. Hockey come down to the rink. To be able to tell my children and grandchildren one day that I was a part of that tradition is unbelievable."- Henrik Zetterberg

"Being a Red Wing is a great honor. To be a part of the tradition of this organization, looking up at the rafters at Joe Louis Arena, and then meeting Ted Lindsay and Gordie Howe is so gratifying. It's such a classy organization. I love playing at Joe Louis Arena. I think it's the best rink to play at in the league. I like the ice; I like the fans, even though if we're not playing well we're going to hear it. But when the fans are on you're side, they're the greatest fans in the NHL. They are a lot of fun to play in front of."- Nicklas Lidstrom

It's almost here, game one. The 19th year.

Oh, Well Now I'm Convinced

2010-04-13T09:12:00.002-07:00

Alright so this little pathetic attempt at persuasion (via Drew at Nightmare On Helm Street) made me giggle today. And yes, shut up, giggling is perfectly acceptable even if you are over the age of 9.

If you are a transplant from Michigan, hockey is in your DNA. But you live in Arizona, and chances are, you've grown to love what the Valley has to offer. Well, part of the landscape is a hockey team struggling for survival. So do the right thing. Keep the Red Wings sweater in the closet, and cheer for the home team. Just this once.

He's fucking with us right? Come on there is no way in hell he thinks his argument is going to win over even the most lackadaisical Wings fan, let along someone like myself who has religiously watched, stressed over, and cheered for the Winged Wheel since I can remember. I mean, what I am supposed to do? Thank him and run to the nearest Sports Authority to purchase a Shane Doan white jersey and join the masses of uninformed bandwagon fans who just now realized the Coyotes didn't move to Canada last summer? I don't think so.

I've lived in Arizona for nearly 3 years and most, not all, but most sports fans in this state are all the same. Until the team is doing fantastic, until they are in the playoffs, it's as if they don't exist. We've seen it with the Suns, with the Cardinals at the Superbowl, and now, apparently it is time to jump on the Coyotes bandwagon.

Where was this call for loyalty and support during the Save the Coyotes rally this summer? Where were all of these supposed die hard fans before? I'm pretty sure most were not standing in the heat waving "I Love Shane Doan" signs. (And I keep referring to Shane Doan, because honestly, most fans here probably couldn't name 5 Coyotes players.) Let's be honest, my nieces first birthday had a bigger turnout than that rally.

But now all of us proud Michiganders forced to live else where due to a tough economic climate, are supposed to turn our back on the team we've loved and cheered for, in order to support a struggling team and assist their bandwagon fan base....not going to happen with this blogger.

I'm a proud Red Wings fan. Win or lose. I support this team, this organization no matter where I live. An organization and team that I can be proud of. A team and organization that gets it, not only with their system on the ice, but with their fans as well. Look at the support received during H2H, and compare that to the league run team that can't recognize the validity of the grassroots Throw the Snake campaign. Thanks, but I'm a loyalist and I'll stick with my team. The new Coyotes fans can instead enjoy the money the Wings players and the Wings organization are forced to give in order to fund teams like the Coyotes where fans only show up when things are going well.

I'll be at the game Friday with a group of Wings fans, proudly wearing our Red Wings attire. Proudly starting a LGRW chant.

In the mean time, I'd like to thank the writer at AZ Central for the Tuesday afternoon giggle. He must have limited experience with Hockeytown fans.

Who knew that playing Phoenix in the first round could be so damn entertaining?

Oh it's like Christmas Morning

2010-04-12T05:55:00.002-07:00

Yeah so yesterday was pretty fucking awesome. This morning I still feel like a little girl on Christmas morning who woke up to find the cute pony she had been wanting for years. I even weighed my options on the repercussions for wearing my Red Wings t-shirt underneath my suit jacket to work. Yes folks, this rebel said dress codes be damned.

Yesterday was another day where the Wings put their baby brother in his place. They came out, and while playing some rather uninspired hockey, James Howard shut the "offensive power" of Chicago down, and the Wings beat those cocky little fuckers putting them squarely in their place before the playoffs. Yes Detroit was badly out played, Chicago had two lucky goals, and the Wings still won in overtime, off a Brad Stuart goal no less. Sorry Chi Town, that's how the model franchise takes care of their business. You know the team that at one point was in 11th place after being decimated by injuries, but came back, took 5th place in the conference, and crushed your dreams of taking the Western Conference. That ideal match up against Colorado, not going to happen. Enjoy Nashville bitches.

But my excitement is not only the result of Chicago's despair. No it's also because the Wings will be playing Gary's second favorite team. Now I know what you're thinking. This isn't probably the best match up. A hot goalie, a young energetic and determined team with nothing to lose...but I'm sorry, for purely selfish reasons, I am excited to see them play Phoenix. That's right, this blogger has never been to a playoff game and it's about damn time that changes. Sully has promised to sell his body to his friends with connections in an attempt to find us some playoff tickets. Either way, I'll be there. And apparently I'll be dealing with some hostile angry, and still confused Coyotes fans.

Andy and Fightnight at the Joe had the link to this little ditty:

Time to BRING IT. It's official now that we'll be facing the Detroit Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs. We know what that means. No, not that we have to deal with a well coached team. No, not that they have good goaltending we have to beat. No, not that we have to pummel Tomas Holstrom about the head until he gets his ass out of the crease without getting called for interference. Rather it means we have to deal with their annoying, know-it-all, douchebag fans thinking they can come into OUR HOUSE and thinking they can run things. To that end i'm asking for you to step it up for the playoffs and do the following things.

It's ok I know exactly what he means by douche bag know it all fans. I have been in Phoenix for almost 3 years now and have attended every Red Wings game. And he's right. Detroit fans are stuch sticklers for knowledge. We "pretend" to know everything. Like for example there are three periods in a game. Five skaters. And we at the minimum have a general understanding of the rulebook. And since the gentlemen at Five for Howling likes to make lists, let me make one outlining the amazing experiences I've had with those "polite" Phoenix fans.

During my first game at Jobing.com Arena, the classy girl sitting behind me, with the high heels and the pink jersey that was cut down the middle to display her surgically enhanced "assets" proceeded to bitch the entire game to her boyfriend who spent more time on his blackberry than watching the game, about how boring hockey was, and she doesn't get it, and how many quarters are there?
No seriously, every event in Phoenix, whether it be a Suns game, the Waste Management Open, or a Coyotes game is more of a fashion show for the wanna be millionaires. They spend more time running for their next glass of wine than they do paying attention to the game.
This year, there was a delightful older gentlemen (who should have known better) who kept screaming periodically about the Wings having too many men on the ice. I counted, I had my friends count, 5 skaters and one goalie. What the fuck confused him?
And don't get me started on the fact that the concept of an icing blows their mind. EVERY game I've been to, I've either heard one fan explaining it to another, or heard a fan bitching about a play stating it should have been an icing penalty. Yes they called it an icing penalty....
Off sides. Don't even try. If they can't understand an icing, off side is far too advanced. Many times when the refs call a play off side, the boos and hissing begin and they yell "what was the penalty for?" I usually shake my head in disgust at this point and grab another beer in hopes of drowning out their stupidity.
Now in that list they also mention the classless douchebag Wings fans while simultaneously threatening to beat us up or throw paint on us. I'll ignore the irony and instead give you an example of the wonderful fans I've encountered while at Jobing.com. Well while attending one game, I had the privilege to sit next to a friendly women and her probably 4 or 5 year old son. I immediately was given the stank eye and decided this should be fun. Half way through the first, the little boy taps me on the shoulder gives me the finger and says the Red Wings suck. Awesome.
And I haven't even mentioned the offer I received to fight another fan in the bathroom. Yes that's right, I was wearing my Feed The Mule t-shirt washing my hands when a "women" and I use that term very loosely, walked up and told me to get the fuck out of her bathroom. I said "excuse me?" She said we don't want any fucking Red Wings fans around here. Now, I'm not one for fighting, I'm little, I can be scrappy, but really not too violent....so luckily, another Wings fan stepped in and those two had an all out screaming bitch fight.

But none of that really matters I suppose, because every time I've gone to a game, I've been surrounded by more Wings fans than Coyotes fans. The LGRW chant is louder than that damn wolf howl. The Coyotes and their fans are cocky and I like it. Stay that way, because the mother fucking Red Wings are coming to town, to crush your hope and Gary's hopes in one swoop. Double the pleasure.

So bring it on bitches. I'll be there in my RED yes RED Dangle Dangle shirt watching Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Franzen, Helm, Eaves, Lidstrom, Kronwall, make Shane Doan and company whimper all the way to the golf course.

They Want Your Smiling Face

2010-04-08T11:18:00.002-07:00

The Red Wings have an awesome opportunity for fans to be a part of the opening playoff video. You know the video they play before the players hit the ice. Yes, we all have the opportunity to have our shining faces above the Joe. Click HERE for all the details.

Be sure to check it out AND participate. Red Wings fans have already brought Herm to Detroit demonstrating just how unbelievably awesome they are. Now lets show the rest of the NHL once again, what an amazing fan base Hockeytown has.

Happy taping.

A Fantastic 1 Minute and 16 Seconds

2010-04-07T20:31:00.005-07:00

No your eyes are not deceiving you. It does appear that Kronwall is milking Meech's nipple. I don't often use pictures here at Bingo Bango. One because I'm too lazy and two because of shit like this. Someone had mentioned that it may jazz up my posts if I throw in a picture or two. So I decided to give it a shot and put up a picture of Kronwall in honor of his one goal and one assist and mostly because he made it out of the game alive. So here's what I found. You're welcome.

Anywho moving along. I missed most of the first period due to the three hour time difference and a little thing I like to call work. When I finally arrived to the comfy confines of my home, I turn on the game to see Eaves deliver a hard, yet clean hit. Per the usual, Columbus took exception and Eaves was forced to fight in a meaningless game. Luckily according to Mickey and his astute powers of mind reading, it wasn't much of a fight as the Columbus player (yes I didn't bother to look up his name) realized Eaves was tougher than he looked. Either way nice to see him defend himself and Helm step up for him as well.

That fight however was the most interesting thing I saw in the first period. Aside from that the Wings played tentative and uninspired. The period ended with Columbus up 2-1.

Below are my random thoughts about that game. And I promise, no more milking. Even if you can milk anything with nipples.

Before the start of the second period, the Detroit Feed cut to a shot of Kronwall on the bench having his face gently rubbed by another player. I have no idea who the fuck it was but strange none the less.
Much of the second period consisted of turnover after turnover and sloppy play in the neutral zone. It was everything that I feared this game would be.

However, the Cleary, Eaves, Helm line was fantastic. They had some great opportunities. This line has the speed and now a scoring touch. It's a third line most people would be jealous of. Not to mention Helm and Eaves seem to read each other really well, I think they need a nickname.

Lilja had the play of the game when he dove behind a flopping and sprawling Jimmy to save a goal. And how important that turned out to be as it would have been the game tying goal. So many people talk about how Franzen has been the difference maker since he's come back. And there's no denying the positive effects he's had. But you can't discount having Lilja on the third pairing, the pk, and what that means to this team. Please just look back a few months to the Lebda, Meech nonsense we all survived....barely.

After Lilja's moment in the sun, there were some more turn overs, arrant passes, and inconsistent play

Howard then had a huge save on an Umberger chance (that guy seriously scares the shit out of me) I believe James was inspired by Lilja and didn't want to lose his starting job to Keatings newest man crush.

Kronwall was hit hard in the second and I panicked. I admit it. I'm women enough to say that I thought the worst and may or may not have overreacted. I said on TOV that I think it's important that the Wings win a game before the playoffs, but it's even more important that they play well and avoid .....well avoid exactly what I don't want to say due to fear of jinxing them. When Kronwall did come back out to play I'm pretty sure Mick was as relieved as the Tin Foil Hat Society. He said something along the lines of "Kronner out which is good news Kenny Boy." So yes we learned that Mickey uses player nicknames and does have a soft spot for Kenny Boy Daniels.

Mason played like 2008/2009 Mason. A fantastic game for him. Not sure where this play came from but I'm sure his team would have loved to see it earlier in the year. Steve Mason should be the poster boy for sophomore season collapses. I hope that Babcock is posting pictures of him in Jimmy's locker along with corresponding stats and other terrifying facts to ensure our James doesn't follow down the same path.

At this point in the second, I will admit I was irritated. (I know, shocking right?) I kept thinking, if they're going to lose, at least play well and avoid bad habits.

Luckily the second period ends with an amazing Datsyuk pass to Homer and an even better save by Mason. Some hope was restored.

As I said before, Helm's line had a good game, and so did Datsyuk's. Especially when things started to pick up in the third period. That line had more scoring opportunities than I can remember, they just couldn't get it passed Mason.

That is until the penalty that should not have been. (Cue the menacing music). In the third Ericsson being the coordinated bastard that he is, trips over himself and falls down. The linesmen was either stealing Murphs flask while Larry was passed out during commercial breaks, or he had a REALLY bad angle. Either way, a crappy call. This doesn't happen the Wings favor too often, normally they're on the other side, but I bitch about the refs when they rape the Wings, so I'll be an equal opportunity bitcher.

Anyway, on this penalty Homer scores to tie the game. Cheers erupt, people are happy. Initially everyone thought it was a Zetterberg goal. But upon further review, we see that not only was Homer in the crease (which I know is not the end all be all) but the puck also went in off his foot. Yes folks his foot. Thanks to a little Larry Murphy moonshine, the refs didn't notice and the play wasn't even reviewed. Unfuckingbelieveable.

Well you can be sure that Columbus noticed and they began screaming, shouting, and throwing a fit worse than a housewife who found a slutty shade of lipstick on her husbands shirt. The refs weren't going to take that shit, and gave Umberger a two minute penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct.

And Boom (ala douch extraordinaire Patrick Kane) Lidstrom scroes 40 seconds later on the ensuing penalty. I'm sure you can imagine that the BJs were super calm and zen like about that shit.

To make matters even better for them, Cleary (wait did I mention I love that line) scores to make the game 4-2 off a fantastic passing play.

That's 3 goals in 1:16 folks. Suck on that.

Well until Ericsson decides he's Lidstrom and attempts to make a defensive play he's not qualified to even think about leading to another Columbus goal, thus ending the game at 4-3.

I will say it wasn't the Wings best effort for most of the game. Luckily they took advantage of the opportunities in the third and came through with the win. I understand the game wasn't "meaningful" but I hope in the remaining two games they can keep the intensity up and not lose focus before the playoffs. This push to get in had to be both physically and mentally demanding. When the new season starts, hopefully all the lines will be established and they'll be ready.

It's Award Season

2010-04-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yes I am well aware that the season is not yet over, but I'm just so fucking happy the Wings are in the playoffs that I'm starting this bitch off early. (no those are not tears running down my face and my voice is not cracking from crying with happiness.) Now I'm sure other, MUCH more talented bloggers will also post "awards" but I still wanted to throw my hat into the mix.

So below is the first, of what will hopefully be a series of award posts.

Most Likely to be a Figure Skater: Is there any doubt as to who would win this award? Detroit's very own (yes I still cringe writing that) Todd Bertuzzi. Not only does he have a toothless smile that makes the guys and gals drop their pants, but his graceful spinoramas will rival even Johnny Weir in a fur embellished unitard. Todd Bertuzzi, hats off to you.

Best Shoot Out Attempt: None other than fan favorite Patrick Eaves. Eaves' beauty, his grace, the memorizing skating nearly cost Betuzzi's his award this year. Not to mention his positive attitude during this massive fail caused a Babcockian Crush to blossom. Yes folks, spring and man crushes are in the air. And we all know how special that is. Uncle Mike has some fickle, fickle taste. From Samuelson to Lebda, and dare I say now Patrick Eaves. At least the fans and Babcock can agree on this one. Congratulations Patrick. You have won over some tough critics. Now really please sign him NOW Kenny.

Most Likely to Make Your Butt Pucker Worse than on the First Day of Jail: Drum roll please.....Brett Lebda. The perpetual fan whipping boy, the one player consistently joining the rush at the most inopportune time, his lovely arrant passes, and inability to cover the lanes has earned Lebda this distinct honor. As a free agent this summer, Red Wing fans and their chapped butt holes are hoping he chooses to move on and torture a new fan base. Haven't we all had enough? But until then, kudos to you Brett.

Best Facial Hair: Now this one may not be as obvious as some of the other award winners. Most people including myself immediately think of Henrik Zetterberg and his perfectly manicured facial hair. And now thanks to those fuckers over at TTD, I immediately think of them pleasuring Zetterberg with their nose hairs. So thanks for that guys. But while the Wings future captain may be the runner up, the true winner of this award has to be everyone's favorite four legged animal, the Mule. How can we not honor the amazing 1970s male gigolo mustache he rocked after his triumphant return prior to the Olympic break. Think of it as a red Tom Selleck inspired stache. Pure genius and I believe personally responsible for adding a little fire to the Wings play. Nothing more to say than thank you Mule for bringing back the crumb catcher.

Now Jimmy Howard could win a number of awards with year. Not just the bitchy and sarcastic awards here at Bingo Bango, but real Gary Bettman sponsored awards. Please cue the oooohhhhs and ahhhhhs. But since I'm hardly every serious, lets focus on the nonsensical variety. Now there are a number of titles that could be awarded to Young James. For example, creepiest fucking eyes, or most likely to get caught smoking a joint with the concession stand guys. But today, he wins the Darren McCarty Teammate Award (it comes with a mug similar to the #1 Boss variety) for this face wash/ punch/ moment of all around awesomeness against Gary's baby boy. Ahhh yes, our James had enough of the cross checks to the head and back on the future captain, so instead of waiting for Bertuzzi to complete his latest triple axel, he took matters into his own hands. Now sure, this wasn't a beatdown of massive proportions, it was more symbolic in nature. It showed his rise in confidence and team spirit. (next we'll see him as leader of the pep squad) My favorite part wasn't even the face wash, but the ensuing crazy eyed laughter as Crosby held back his tears and promised to tell Gary and Mario all about this. Well congrats James, a well earned honor.

Most Likely to Make Murph Shit his Pants with Excitement: Well who else could it be than Detroit's very own Dangle Dangle. While Murphs eyes are generally only half open due to a drunken haze, he still seems to fumble and drool over the magic that is Pavel Datsyuk. Now there are a number of players that cause Murphs speech to become unrecognizable but the reason Dangle was awarded this honor is because I am most surprised that Larry can even keep up with his shifty steals, goals, and all around masterful play. Some in the media question his candidacy for the Selke due to his diminished time on the pk, but in my book, if he can still cause a good ole' fashion Murphy pants shit, he's number one.

The Man Most Likely To Steal John Keating's Heart: Awwwww. Yes come on, you can say it with me. It's one of those touchy feely awards. Well not really. It's more along the lines of one of those fucking creepy things you find out during the course of an awkward and contrived interview. (aka a hockey player interview)Anyway, this award recipient could have also been bestowed a number of serious honors. For fucks sake the man may never have played hockey again. Despite the fact that a few years ago I never thought I would type or utter these words, but thank baby Jesus that Lilja is back. Apparently his extended absence caused Keating to reflect on why he loves Andres so very much. So awkwardly and uncomfortably on a March 9th game against Nashville, FSD's own John Keating instructed Lilja to take off his helmet so all the ladies could see how handsome he is. For fucks sake....at least he just asked for the helmet to be removed.

School Yard Bully Award: Were I really focused and done a post like this last year, this player would have been a repeat winner. Unfortunately I'm to sporadic and unreliable for that type of thing. So the first time ever, School Yard Bully Award goes to Johan Franzen, for this taunting and hilarious actions against the Chicago Blackhawks. Last year it was the pacifier, I mean mouth guard incident, this year is was the dramatic and perfectly executed diving motion and call. He may not fight but he will pick on you until you wet your pants. Congratulations to the Mule for his second award of the year. Golf claps and finger snaps.

Biggest "Fuck with the Fans" Moment: It was a February Second game. He just came back from a knee injury and suddenly, in the corner of his own zone, we see Kronwall flopping around like a drunken stripper just attempting to stay up on his feet. Panic, nausea, concern swept over Wings nation as we anxiously awaited word from Ken and Mickey that his knee fell off and our dogs died. But instead, he merely lost the blade to his skate. How the fuck that happened I have no idea, but it was too much for me to handle. It's time he makes it up to us and Kronwall either Crosby or Kane. I don't care who. So congratulations fucker, thanks for taking precious years off my life.

The Always Gives a Shit Award: (Also known as the Shit-giver) This player steals the hearts of Brazilian men, has the speed a mongoose (not sure if they're actually fast but go with it), is responsible for the term "the kill", and plays through a broken nose because "if it's broken, it's broken." Yes not only is Darren Helm a bad ass extraordinaire, but he always gives a shit. Every fucking game he gives an effort. Off the top of my head I can think of three short handed goals. Babcock has a full on man crush and so does the state of Michigan. Mom and Dad's lock up your kids, Darren Helm is here to stay. I call it, a Wing for life. Congratulations Mr Helm, or shall we say Herm's personally god.

Luckily there's a Censor Button

2010-04-06T09:58:00.002-07:00

The new episode of The Obstructed View is up and running. I had the honor of joining the always entertaining Chris Hollis from Motown Wings, the knowledgeable Joe Burkel from Red Wings Guy, and the apparently foul mouthed Tyler from The Triple Deke.

It was quite a show where we touched on a number of topics including possible playoff matchups and some listener questions. Overall a fun show to be a part of, I only wish I were a more active participant....that damn allergy medicine really kicked my ass.

Perhaps the biggest take away is a new Tyler inspired contest. Check out The Obstructed View for all of the details. All I will say is, he may have made me look like a squeaky clean angel, which is hard to do....alright that's an exaggeration but it still should be a very interesting contest. Personally, I think he was still overcome by the scent of Henrik Zetterberg and just wasn't thinking clearly.

Pronger and Laperriere are Like a Rattlesnake in the Garage

2010-04-05T05:43:00.003-07:00

Well that was a special little Easter treat yesterday wasn't it? The Wings stunk it up worse than an old forgotten egg baking out in the hot Arizona sun....alright I'm done with the stupid comparisons, I promise.

Anyway, that wasn't the best weekend for the Winged Wheel was it? I'll admit I missed the Nashville game on Saturday. In fact I didn't even DVR it. Why you ask....because of course you're dying to know (yes that was dripping in sarcasm) well because we had a rattlesnake in our garage. I was never the kid who ran around with garden snakes and thought they were cool, so you can imagine my utter delight in finding a rattlesnake coiled up and hissing at me in the garage. Certainly not one of my best moments. But from what I read I perhaps didn't miss too much.

But I did have the distinct pleasure of witnessing the beat down on Sunday. And when I say beat down, I'm not referring to the score. That was a dirty game and one of my unacknowledged fears came true. Laperriere and Pronger on the same team. Yes the thoughts of broken noses and career ending hits are enough to send chills down your spine. Perhaps even worse than that giant (please read baby) rattlesnake.

Alright well here we go with my, you guessed it, my random, hopped up on allergy medicine thoughts about the game:

Well Lilja didn't play. I believe it was a result of the shot he took off his foot. But what that really meant was we saw the return of Brett Lebda. Fuck you Easter Bunny. That is not what I asked for.
Oh and guess what, Ozzie started. Now I watched the game with some of my in-laws. They're not really big hockey fans as their first question was where is that blue glowing puck. I'm not fucking with you. But they tried. So when I began to express my concern about Osgood starting they asked why. And you know what, Uncle Mike has fucked with my head and this goaltending situation so much that it took me a second to remember that under normal circumstances goalies would split back to backs. Now why he finally decided to do this now, I'll never know. Maybe it was punishment for the rest of the team for not playing to their ability.
Well none the less, my confusion and bitching about Osgood appeared to be warranted as Carcillo and his pubestache scored less than a minute into the first. Sure the whole play started as a result of a Franzen turnover, but still a pretty bad goal for Ozzie.
Oh and wait it gets even better, Laperriere being the skilled class act that he is, decided the best way to stop "the kill" is to break his nose. If you don't remember Laperriere, he's the same gentlemen that drove Lidstrom into the boards. Class act.
Once I calmed the fuck down after that first goal I took a moment to observe how weird it was seeing Ozzie's helmet out there and not Jimmy and his crazy fucking eyes. I certainly wasn't relaxed.
I completely forgot (since I was still hypnotized by that snake) that Leino was on the Flyers. And in many ways he was still the same Ville Leino that left the Wings. But he did look better and slightly more confident. Perhaps he had some extra motivation for this game.
While still very early in the game, the Flyers had a 4 on 2 and of course they score. I blame Bertuzzi and Osgood. Ok yes those are two people often blamed but this time it was valid. No really it was.
At this point, I for some reason wrote the following note. "Hitting hard and dirty." Wow. If there is an online submission contest for cheesy or cliche porn titles, I may have a finalist right there.
Now I forgot to mention that Dan(ny) Cleary and his groin made a triumphant return. This was one of his best games in a long time. He was driving the net, winning puck battles, and returned to his grinding style. And he was ultimately rewarded with the Wings first goal.
Speaking of grind it out play, Patrick Eaves had a great game. He took a lot of abuse and some dirty hits, but didn't seem to mind as he opened up a lot of space for his linemates. Please sign him Kenny.
You'll remember earlier in the game when Laperriere broke Herm's God's nose (I wonder if some Brazilian hex or curse was uttered on Sunday) well that magnificent bastard came back and scored the tying goal, 2-2. Another great effort. Not pretty but just further proof that hard work pays off.
Now I avoided mentioning that the game was on NBC as my endless bitching about Pierre and "Edzo" can perhaps be, dare I say, a bit repetitive. Not that it isn't warranted, but you get my point. Anyway, Edzo (I hate that fucking nickname and personally feel it has no place in the broadcast booth) had the odd line of the game. "The old legs of Cleary showing a lot of youth in them." Just imagine him and Murph in a room together. What brilliance would take place. Wait, please don't it's Monday and you will probably need all of your brain cells functioning.
Sunday wasn't Mule's best game. He seemed determined to cough the puck up at every opportunity. But it was interesting watching him and Hartnell go at it. One because I hate Hartnell and his Carrot Top wanna be hair. And two because a pissed off red in the face Mule makes me almost as happy as an angry Homer.
If I didn't already hate Laperriere for being an ex Ave, a dirty Lidstrom hitter (wow that sounds weird and not at all what I meant), and a breaker of Helm's nose, he then had to rip off Datsyuk's helmet causing Babcock to almost lose his shit. And the Flyers to once again score within the first minute of the period. Awesome.
Some time later in the second, Datsyuk (illegally mind you) had his helmet ripped off again. Doc mentions that this time there will be a penalty. Imagine his surprise when instead Homer is called for the infraction. Yes it was one of those days. The "let them play" mentality applied only to the flyers as they took turns elbowing various Wings players heads and taking bets on who could cause the most injuries.
Back to my NBC/Gary hate one last time. What the fuck is with all of the Penguins commercials. Now I fully expect to see that damn washer and dryer nonsense at least 6 times, but now that new one with the Penguins and their fans wanting some sort of encore. For fucks sake, Gary's pushing my insanity.
Ozzie's helmet breaks at one point and a backup is brought out. I was seriously hoping it would have some superhero effect. You know like he changes his outfit and he suddenly turns into, well Jimmy Howard. Unfortunately it didn't happen. Now I'm not blaming Ozzie for his play. He hasn't started a game since January 7th. But overall it wasn't a good situation for anyone.
Speaking of Howard, while the trainer ran out in his shorts to deliver Osgood's helmet Howard had himself a good laugh. Seriously, the kid creeps me out a bit.
All throughout the game the Wings were giving the puck up in the neutral zone. And I'm not sure if it was the mixing up of the defensive pairings, but there were so many breakdowns and miscommunications in their end. I can joke about Osgood's play, but these issues were the real reasons they lost.
At some point in the third the Flyers were up 4 to 2, and my only consolation was Leino didn't score.
Datsyuk, being well Pavel Datsyuk, made it a game putting the Wings within one on an awesome shot and a great passing play. Dare I say it looked like Red Wings hockey.

But even with pulling the goalie, they couldn't tie it up within the last few seconds as they did in the Nashville game. I hate to say this but I believe, as a result of the dirty hits, the elbows to the head, and well typical Flyers hockey, the Wings decided to sit back and stop skating. Not all but enough that they put the game out of reach. They need to regroup and go back to the basics they hardworking style that had immediately following the Olympics. A few games left and one win needed to essentially claim a playoff spot.

Welcome to The Twilight Zone

2010-04-02T06:08:00.002-07:00

First of all, let me just say, what the fuck is happening? It's like a god damn Twilight episode out there. And no I don't mean the movie with Robert Pattinson, I mean the Twilight Zone. Since when does the "War Room" actually call something in Detroits favor? And for fuckity fucks sake when does that happen two games in a row?

I have no idea. But I think it has something to do with the massive amount of tin foil hats worn by Wings fans for H2H. Perhaps the strong power of the foil in combination with Herm's seriously love for his own personal God Darren Helm caused the axis of the earth to shift thus throwing off the equilibrium of the war room judges until they officially developed inner ear infections, thus forcing them to take massive amounts of cold medicine, and while under the influence of the good shit, they ultimately fuck up 2 calls for Gary. Whew. That was a run on sentence that would make my English teacher sister cringe. But it's cleary the only possibility.

Anyway, the Wings pulled off a victory in what was often a tight game. Some of the chances Columbus had were enough to make your ass hole pucker and cause a little tinkle in your pants. Don't be ashamed I'm sure you've pissed yourself once or twice during the course of your Red Wings fandom.

But never the less, Todd Bertuzzi rode in on his white horse (what the fuck) and in dramatic form scored his second game winning goal in the last four games. I feel so so dirty just writing that.

Below are my random thoughts about the game. I missed the first period because work decided to bitch slap me again, so this recap may be more pathetic than usual.

Sure the Blue Jackets only had 22 shots, but many of them were great scoring opportunities. I felt like they were constantly on the rush during the start of the second. My friend even mentioned there were many good BJ chances.....hmmmmm where to go with that, where to go...
Datsyuk in typical Dangle Dangle fashion scored a beautiful goal after Homer once again won the puck battle in the corner. Franzen looked pretty excited, yet slightly creepy after Datsyuk scored.
Later in the second, Mason takes a Franzen shot to the head. Yes the head. Football what?
Once again Meech looked half way decent in the forward position. I distinctly remember one particular drive to the net which gave him a pretty good opportunity. I can get a little bitchy at times (who me, kitten?) about his defensive play, but for his price, and the fact that he often sits, he seems to have a good attitude and fills the swingman roll well. And I still would perfer him over Lebda. Yep I said it.
Nash had a bit of an off night. And by off night I mean Franzen and Zetterberg took turns pulling his hair and kicking sand in his face, those damn sandbox bullies. I think he managed 2 shots and no points. Hey if he needs someone to vent to, have him call Crosby. I'm sure he could give him some pointers on how to whine to the refs and send some personal videos over on the proper form of a dive. Because instead Nash tried to kill Zetterberg at one point and had a nice slash on Rafalski's stick. However rest assured, Mickey was ok with that stick break. He said it was a 200 dollar slash but a good reason for the composite to break. Whew thanks Mick, I felt my blood pressure boiling there as I was about to begin a bitch fest about those damn composite sticks.
Before the Bertuzzi goal review, did anyone notice him attempt to bat the puck into the net. He looked like a 5 year old girl trying to learn how to spike a volleyball...and yes I was reliving my childhood there.
Datsyuk looked great all night and very dangerous in the second. Mickey said "Datsyuk is on a mission." And I believe that mission was to make Mason his bitch.
There were a few "tense" moments during the game. And by tense I mean I was about to loose it worse than Will Ferrell when his meatloaf is delayed. Filppula was hit hard into th boards and very well could have injured his wrist. FYI, no penalty on the play. And then Franzen decided to block a shot and took it off the top of his foot. He was visibly in pain and hardly played in the last 6 minutes. It's no problem though, I have a solution. refuse to allow him to take off his skate until after the playoffs. Problem solved in a logical and well thought out manner.
While Nash may not have attended the Sidney Crosby School of A Diving Douche this summer, Mason did. Apparently a shot to the head is no big deal, but a diving save that took him completely out of position was too much for the young goaltender to handle. I think Mason can expect that gold star of course completion from Crosby now.
The end of the game was awfully intense. Lidstrom takes a penalty with 2:18 left and on a 6 on 4, the BJs score. However the Wings managed to hold off the remaining intese 30 second rush.

And there you have it the Wings are still one point behind Nashville. The Blues being the Saint Louis Blues sucked donkey dick and offered no help to the Wings. Next game is Saturday and I hope the Wings can put together a full 60 minute effort. And just like the coworker with awful breathe who invades your personal bubble on a daily basis, that game was too close for comfort.

A Little Pimp Swagger

2010-03-31T05:42:00.003-07:00

So I'm a little late to the H2H party.....well I guess more than a little late, I'm beyond fashionably late with my recap. Perhaps you could even say I'm Tardy for the Party. With that being said, there's probably not much more I could add that hasn't already been written by much more talented people. It was an awesome event perfectly planned by some really great people. My little sister came to H2H with me. She is currently finishing up her student teaching and preparing to enter that bitch that is the real world. When she mentioned to her students that she was going to a gathering to meet some people from the Internet, those sweet little kids immediately told her to be careful. Apparently to them, anyone on the Internet is a serial killer or dog raper. But luckily everyone who attended turned out to be just as cool as I suspected. The only possible folks in danger were perhaps Helm (Herm managed to avoid staring at his ass despite the fact that every male blogger seemed to check out Herms derriere) and maybe Bertuzzi. I half suspected to see a news clip of Petrella popping out in the lockerroom in his pink shirtuzzi and grabbing onto his idol Todd's leg like a dog in heat. But alas everyone was extreme awesome and dare I say well behaved.

It was a great time. Fun to put faces with names. I'm pretty sure no one looked like what I expected, and since I lack social decorum, I had no problem walking around and grabbing name tags to find out who you were. I mean seriously, who knew that Chollis had a beard that would rival Zetterbergs, or that Matt Saler had some intensely awesome side burns? And no Penguins fans, despite what you think VooX doesn't always have to carry around his Sidney Crosby voodoo doll.

Great time and I cannot wait for next year.

Now on to last nights game.

What the hell was that? I'll admit, I walked over to my couch with a little swagger, fully expecting this Red Wings team to win. Sure the Oilers have beat the Wings 3 other times this year and always managed to score first. And yes, yes I'm aware that there was that whole unfortunate 6- something game earlier this season. But I had a level of confidence I haven't experienced earlier this season. And it felt good.

So while sitting there watching the game at the ungodly early hour of 4:30 (fuck you day lights savings time) the Wings came out and looked poised and controlled. I relaxed a bit, leaned back in my seat, and my dog wasn't even pacing around the room nervously. She even had a little bit of a pimp walk going on.

And Lilja or Flippula, or someone scored to give the Wings a 1-0 lead. Now as I said before, the Wings have not scored first against the Oilers all season. To me it was an omen. A sign. And also incredibly entertaining to watch Lilja search his jersey for a puck mark in hopes that the goal was his.

Soon after, Kronwall scores. I'm pretty sure that Swedish bastard fancies himself some sort of forward now. First his game winning shoot out goal, then this. Fantastic. After some bumps following the Olympic break, Kronwall has once again resumed his sound defensive play and apparently his offensive swagger. (Damn, I'm noticing a bit of a theme here)

Following Kronwalls goal, my favorite Miller (as long as it's not the Olympics.) Scores giving the Wings a 3-0 lead. Miller has played really well the last few games and you could tell he was due.

On a side note, I love Jimmy Johns. I remember MANY 3am trips to grab one of those delicious subs that taste even better when you're drunk. But their new commercials really piss me off. As a marketing and advertising major they make me want to drill a pencil through my eye. Just when you think you've seen the worst one, a new one comes out.

Anywho, at this point in the game the Wings are still dominating. Franzen and Zetterberg took turns missing open nets while Bertuzzi was spinning around like it was the god damn ice capades and Will Ferrell was his new ice dance partner. Seriously, at points in the night all he was missing was that pink shirtuzzi and a pair of leopard print tights....yes please visualize that for a moment.

While the Oilers were still distracted by the beauty and grace that is Todd Bertuzzi, Franzen scored. And let me just say, I love his celebrations. Love them. He skates around like "what, I'm fucking Johan Franzen. This is no big deal." All the while smiling and attempting to make all his teeth fit in his mouth. Awesome. Most hockey players look like, well they look like Todd Bertuzzi, but not the Mule. He has more teeth and he or baby Jesus know what to do with.

Soon after, the Oilers score on the PP. Let me explain. They score 4 seconds into the powerplay. This is the Wings PK that had killed 63 of the last 67 penalties, and then that happened. I had a weird feeling it was only going to get worse before it go better. That swagger, well it was slipping away faster than Colin Campbells dignity.

To make matters worse, Hillary Duff's, spankin new fiance decided to score and put the Oilers within two. I always hated Lizzie McGuire. Bitch.

At this point the Wings had stopped skating. Just as I did, they probably felt they won the game. It was scary, but they almost looked like the Wings of yesteryear. They were dominating, became bored, sat back, and then had to fight to win. Ummm please no more of that mmmmmkaaay.

On another side note, anyone think the Wings have screwed up poor Derek Meech? Anyone, anyone? He's actually looked half way decent in the forward position. Dare I say he may even feel pretty comfortable in that spot?

Moving on, late in the third, Howard makes a big stop, but lack of defensive coverage and his inability to cover the ENTIRE net at once leads to the Oilers 4th goal. Tied game bitches. I was nervous, I wanted those 2 points badly.

But at least the Wings seemed to want those points as well. They once again started skating and began dominating play. Which leads to the goal that may not have been. Stuart, yes the defensemen Brad Stuart tips the puck in. Now the question is, was it a high stick or not. I was distracted at this point by an unexpected visitor, but when I got back to the TV, there was a debate taking place between Ken, Murph, and Mickey. Murph and Ken asked Mickey to jump onto their drunken bandwagon and agree that it was a good goal. Mickey strangely enough wasn't so sure. We were forced to watch over and over again a million different views just hoping it would count.

And guess what boys and girls it did. Wings win 5-4. Now please don't do that shit to me again. This season has forced me to age 60 years and I now have the heart of a 85 year old drinker...I can't take much more.

Be sure to check out THIS today. Well words quite frankly can't describe it.

Oh and THIS is probably making Pinky cry in his apple jacks. Sorry.

That's our goalie

2010-03-23T05:50:00.002-07:00

I've been horribly busy lately with work, blah blah, and now trying to get ready to take a day off for the event of all events, H2H, has proven to be quite a challenge. However, it hasn't stopped me from watching the games. The 3 buzzer beaters have forced me to take up yoga and attempt to calm my nerves throughout the day. Nameste. But last night, well last night was simply a good old fashion ass kicking, in more ways than one.

I'm pretty sure Larry Murphy isn't permitted to do lengthy interviews with the players. Holland and Babcock are probably concerned with some sort of second hand drunkenness taking place. As a result, they shove him between the benches and limit all conversations to 20 seconds or less. Yet somehow last night, that shifty little bastard became all stealth and out of pure motivation to be in the presence of young James escaped his confines and conducted his first, and last "full length" interview with the protector of Zetterberg.

Larry: Hey yo, Jimmah, you gotta minute.

Jimmy: Under his breath, awe fuck. Sure Murph, of course I do.

Larry: stumbles, drops his microphone, rips his pants, possibly farts, but stands up with composure to start his interview like the true journalistic professional he is. Ron Burgundy is his hero.

Larry: Hell of a game there tonight Jimmah. Great effort. And to think, a few months ago no one expected you to excel at anything other than highlighting Fils hair and organizing Homer's doll, I mean action figure collection.

Jimmy: ummm thanks Murph.

Larry: Obviously this was a big game. Awkwardly and drunkenly shoves the microphone in James' face.

Jimmy: Yeah they're a good team and we were down a few guys, so it was great to go out there....

Larry: Alright enough with this pleasantry bull shit, let's cut to the meat and potatoes. Holy fuck, what was going through your head when you face washed Sidney Crosby?

Jimmy: You know quite frankly I've had enough of that little chicken shits whining and general cunt like behavior. Every time he's held scoreless or in this case enjoys a minus 2 for the night, the diving and whining to the refs comes quicker than a kid on prom night. It gets frustrating watching the bull shit year after year.

Larry: ah Jimmah, on a side note, I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language, this is going on TV, or at least you tube. Please cut down on the references to whining and diving. For fucks sake we don't need to piss off the FCC, you know what I mean?

Jimmy: Seriously, can I go now?

Larry: Well Jimmah as a Calder Trophy candidate, aren't you afraid that your recent behavior and potential physical assault of the leagues golden boy will cause you to lose your invitation to Gary's all boy pool party? I heard it's a pretty swinging time, with the snazziest guys in the league all attending. You'd miss out on spending the afternoon with the likes of Crosby, Malkin, Getzlaf, Green, and even Corey Perry? Are you prepared for the consequences of your actions?

Jimmy: Exasperated and frustrated. Honestly Larry, after seeing him repeatedly cross check Zetterberg in the back, in the head, with no repercussions I had enough. I was concerned about two things, 1. that he would damage Z's perfectly manicured beard, and 2. that he would attempt to punch me in the balls like the little bitch that he is. Thankfully both the beard and the balls made it out ok.

Larry: You and hockey Jesus had a few words after the face wash/punch, what did he say to you?

Jimmy: I can't fully remember, but something along the lines of calling me a doodoo head and threatening to tell Uncle Gary.

Larry: Are you concerned the league will now be out to get you.

Jimmy: First of all, I don't even want to consider the fact that "Uncle Gary" is actually Gary Bettman. How they would have come to that close of a creepy relationship is something I don't want to lose sleep over. As far as fall out from the league, Larry I play for the mother fucking Red Wings. Homer can interfere with the goalie at center ice and a quick whistle means only one composite stick is broken over my head. I don't fucking care about Gary and his team of dick sucking minions. I have to concentrate on helping getting this team in the playoffs. Now can I go please.

Larry: Curled up comfortably in the fetal position fast asleep.

Jimmy: that's 2 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Henrik Zetterberg to Everyone "Fuck Off."

2010-03-11T21:24:00.004-07:00

Well for fucks sake, this is a Thursday I can get on board with. Saying that the Wings win against the Wild was decisive is like saying that Colin Campbell is a fucking idiot. Yep, it was that obvious. Fantastic team effort. Fantastic 60 minute effort. I almost forgot what that fucking felt like.

Now in the past, I would normally jump up and down like Michael Scott on a sugar high proclaiming this game, this very game, as a turning point in the Wings season. And yes I would normally do that with only 15 games remaining. But in keeping with my new zen, calm, attitude, I will chose to suppress my inner Scott, and simply repeat my previous mantra. This was a game, the Wings won, they were awarded the 2 points. And as an FYI, inside I'm having a full blown party with pin the tail on Gary and a Chris Pronger dart board. Shut up, I realize that sounds weird.

Anywho, moving on, below are my mellow, refined, and yet incoherent thoughts about the game.

First and foremost, so happy that the NHL Network had the FSD feed. Sure we had their terrible pregame and intermission reports. And sure I had to endure those awful commercials with closeups of hockey players sweating more than Ken Hitchcock on a treadmill, but Mickey and a drunk Murph, totally worth it.
Well that and we were able to see Datsyuk's goal of the week again. I have to say, his goofy weird double fist pump (the Situation is pissed he didn't think of that first) celebration was probably the best part.
From the puck drop the Wings looked poised and guess what, they executed a little puck possession.
The first goal was from, wait for it, wait for it, the Datsyuk line. That shift was all sorts of amazing. I actually felt the need to double check and see if they were on the powerplay. Their puck movement was that good. After some good hustle from Homer in the corner, Franzen has a great shot and scores. Damn, I missed him.
I noticed Bertuzzi twice tonight. Once when he over skated the puck and also when he took a penalty. Well done. Totally worth the salary.
May I just say welcome back Lilja. Golf claps, finger snaps and an amen. 2 years ago, I never thought I would miss him so much.
With that said, he did take a tripping penalty in the first and Koivu nearly scored. I certainly hope Jimmy made love to that goal post after the game. Show a little gratitude James.
Darren Helm draws another penalty soon after negating the Lilja tripping nonsense. Does anyone have any stats on how many penalties Helm has drawn? Unbelievable.
You know things were really clicking when Homer scores a goal from the point. I can't remember ever seeing him score from that far out. I'm pretty sure the refs looked around wondering how they could call goaltender interference.
About 56 seconds later, HENRIK ZETTERBERG SCORES. On a random, unexpected line combo, Eaves works hard behind the net and gets the puck to a wide open, and I mean wider than a 1990's Pamela Anderson for Zetterberg's 19th goal of the season. Exactly what he needed.
Zetterberg and Eaves both had great games. That extra gear everyone was asking Z to turn on, well he did so while giving us the middle finger. Even without that goal, it would have been a fantastic game for the future captain. And Eaves. Wow, bow down to Holland folks, what an acquisition.
Tonight was Zetterberg's and Homer's 19th goals of the season. It was also the 16th remaining game. Two very important numbers in Red Wings history. The stars really did align.
A non drunk Murphy line tonight, "Homer plays with heart." Enough said.
The first period looked poised to end 3-0, if only the damn Wild didn't score with 20 seconds left. Still a great effort.
We learned a little something about John Keating tonight folks. He refrained from sexually harassing Zetterberg during their entire interview, which leads me to believe Lilja is his favorite Swede.
Despite past precedent, the Wings came back and dominated the second and third periods as well. It was fantastic to see.
There was even a Kronwalled sighting. Welcome back.
Miller scored his first short handed goal after a great play between himself and Filppula. While the puck did not go off his foot, the goal was of course reviewed. I half expected the league to declare there was a distinct kicking motion with a body party other than a foot. They can make shit up like that, it's the NHL folks.
Favorite line of the night was from Mickey, of course, referring to the discovery of Crosby's "lost" hockey stick, "We can get on with our lives." I know I can. Crisis averted.
Helm made a bid for back up goaltender duties late in the third with a diving save.
Franzen had his second goal of the game making it 5-1. Mick slowly but surely fell in love with the Mule's hands.....yeah that was a weird sentence for a number of reasons, but it stays.
The NHLN cuts back late from commercial to Ken saying "you tease Mick, you tease." Yep.
The microphones were great this game, by the bench, and at the end when you hear the heads up to Kronwall. Luckily he got out of Clutterfucks way. Haha see what I did there. Yes I know lame.

The game was a solid, puck possession, team effort. They controlled the tempo and for once seemed confident that the lead could be maintained throughout the entire game. They didn't sit back, nor did they act petrified. The Wings were in control until the final whistle. Well done. Well done. Now, can they string two of these performances together? Here's hoping for the same level of play on Saturday.

And so we meet again

2010-03-11T00:24:00.002-07:00

Another day, another game. This time they meet the Wild. After the Wings single handily took 2 years off my life on Tuesday, I've decided to take a zen like approach to the rest of the season. I now drink chi tea, practice yoga, meditate, and only think positive thoughts about all of those around me. And yes, I fully expect this new state of mind to end before I finish this post. I'll be back to drinking, avoiding unnecessary exercise and cursing Gary Bettman at least 7 times a day.

But in all seriousness, no longer will I be mentioning a "Big Game" or stressing the importance of beating any one particular team. It clearly doesn't work out.

So tomorrow there's a hockey game. Some people will play, someone will win, and 2 points will be awarded. So yeah, it's March 11th and I'm the epitome of relaxation...yep. If I keep saying it over and over I'm sure I'll begin to believe it.

I'm pressed for time, so here's just a few random videos for your viewing pleasure:

The Wings play the Wild and below is my all time favorite Red Wings, Wild moment. And yes, I realize neither player is still on that respective team, but I don't give a fuck. It's still awesome.

George very succinctly, pointed out that the Wings Issues may stem from a lack of confidence. And well I'm sold. I drank the koolaid. I think lack of confidence is strongly affecting them as well as pressure and perhaps the fact this season has caused them to forget hockey is game. And thus they need to just enjoy it and have fun.

While randomly searching youtube I ran across this old, awkward, and somewhat cheesy video. But at least the team seemed to be enjoying themselves, which is what they need to do now.

Hopefully they can pull it together, because I'm sure this guy's not ready to lose again.

And I'm damn sure this guy does not want all of his hustle and effort to go to waste.

And finally, I guarantee you the team doesn't want to feel like this again.

Oh was that an important game?

2010-03-10T05:30:00.000-07:00

Honestly I couldn't tell based on the Red Wings first period and third period play. Just like the Chicago game, a complete effort, from anyone not on Pavel Datsyuk's line, was nonexistent. I don't know. I don't get it. It's frustrating when 2 minutes change an entire game and Nashville of course decides to beat Atlanta. Bye bye number 8 playoff spot.

Below is a short, often irrelevant recap of the game. I just don't have the energy for anything longer.

Since the media was making such a big deal (and secretly jacking off to the idea of him breaking this) about Iginla's Red Wings goal drought, you just knew he was going to break that tonight, and he did.

I forgot how much I missed watching a Ken and Mickey broadcast. If nothing less, Mick never disappoints with his random facts or weird observations. For example, did you know that both Datsyuk and Ovechkin shaved their faces. Oooo ahhhh very interesting.

Matt over at OTW had an interesting debate with a lovely gentlemen named Garth after Matt implied Zetterberg hasn't been playing great. Well sorry Garth, but I'm with Matt on this one and I'm more convinced than ever that he's playing through some sort of injury.

In the first period both teams seemed tentative and nervous, but overall the Flames seemed to have a little extra effort or confidence. It gave them the edge allowing them to be just a bit more dominate.

The Wings were also guilty of numerous turnovers in the first. None more noticeable than Williams perfect pass in the slot to a Calgary forward. Luckily Jimmy came up big.

Either way the period ended 0-0 and it was a relief. The Wings easily could have been behind.

The first intermission had an awkward Lilja interview which John Keating began by instructing him to take his helmet off so all the ladies could see how handsome he is. For fucks sake....

Anyway, somewhere early in the second the Flames score after the Wings fail to clear the zone and Zetterberg can't reach the puck. Also somewhere in there Mickey begins to lament the fact that goaltenders go down too early these days. So many jokes, so many horrible jokes if only I had the motivation.

For some time after that goal the Flames looked like they were on the power play. Lidstrom even had to brilliantly stop an Iginla breakway.

But right after that play, Datsyuk restores hope and scores tying the game. Oh and did I mention his goal was the result of a beautiful feed from Homer. That line has been playing great. And since the Olympic break, every game has been Dangelishis. He's so noticeable it seems like he's always on the ice.

Mickey nearly pisses his pants with excitement over a big Patrick Eaves hit

I hate Todd Bertuzzi. I don't care if he has a catchy Mantuzzi song and can put together a good game every once in awhile. It's games like this that make me want to beat him with a wood hockey stick, just so it won't break easily.

Before Kronwall's injury he was having a great season....after, while not always terrible, I'll admit I often become quite concerned when he has the puck. Dammit. However, we did learn that he has 40 plus pairs of shoes. Thanks FSD. Excessive, no amateur. I'm still finding creative ways to store all my shoes. Seriously, right here, I will be the little old lady that could live in her shoes.

The first Wings powerplay looked great. A ton of pressure in front of the net from Homer, Mule and even The Perfect Human. Certainly made me realize how much I missed Franzen, especially when he laughs after the whistle at all the frustration he caused. Awesome. But not nearly as great as Homer's go ahead redirect goal. 2-1 Wings

But that's about where the fun ends. After, in the third period, Iginla scores and then less than 2 minutes later they score again, you knew it was done. Over. Despite having 6 skaters to their 4 (PP and extra skater) near the end of the game the Wings couldn't get it done.

Yes I'm frustrated, possibly pissed, definitely not sure what to think. There were moments of brilliance. Datsyuk's line for one, the power play, some good defensive plays, but again they couldn't string together a win. The hope is still there, but the fear is also growing.

Well that was Fanfuckingtastic

2010-03-09T19:52:00.002-07:00

Yep that's about how this game felt. Well that or this.

That game fucking sucked. The night fucking sucked. I'm not ready for hockey to be done in April.

17 Games Remaining

2010-03-09T00:02:00.001-07:00

That's it. Just 17 games left and a playoff spot at stake. The stress is intense around Hockeytown. People are confident, nervous, and anxious all at the same time. Frankly it feels like playoff hockey. In order to get through this, I've created a survival list for Fans, loved ones of fans, and yes even the Red Wings. I warn you that most of these deal with superstitious and crazy ideas, but I’m sorry, since Jobu and the hockey gods have conspired to bend the Wings and their fans over, we need to come up with a way to fuck up their mojo. It’s do or die bitches.

10 Tips to survive the playoff push, for you, your friends and family, and sure why not the Wings too:

1. A copious amount of alcohol seems like an easy answer. And while it may be helpful to calm the nerves of some Wings fans, it’s more complicated than that. There needs to be a special formula. A signature morning drink (for the damn games on NBC), an afternoon drink, and an evening drink. Personally I would recommend that your favorite drink be saved for the evening games since it will most often be consumed. Now, if the Wings lose, retire that drink and change to something else. If they continuously lose while the same ingredient is being used (example tequila, or the same brand) retire said ingredient.

2. Although I don’t have a strong, clear remembrance of such a difficult playoff push, I suspect a great deal of their success is directly associated with karma. The Wings and their fans karma as well as their opponents. So until the playoffs, anytime you are paying for something and your change comes out to 20 cents or less, you DO NOT KEEP IT. I cannot stress this enough. Put that shit in the penny pot, save it all and donate to H2H, something, anything is better than punching a cabby and throwing a drunkin fit over 20 cents.

3. Alright folks, time for a little arts and crafts. I suggest you open your Martha Stewart Living to page 10. It’s time to make the season’s snazziest tin foil hats. Nothing but the finest fashions since the runways in Paris will do. Come on, if Martha can turn her prison cell into a winter wonderland using cigarette buds, a shank, and one ply toilet paper, we can do this. And then I think it’s time for a group picture. You know many bitches out there will dance naked in the rain if the Wings don’t make the playoffs. So Joaquin Phoenix tells us the only way to avoid their bad mojo, and possibly a little of Jobu’s, is with the assistance of the tin foil hat.

4. This one’s for our loved ones, coworkers, and neighbors. Do not, I repeat, do not mention the name Sidney Crosby or Gary Bettman unless it is immediately followed by sucks dick. I can’t begin to warn you of the horrors to come if this one is not followed.

5. Red Wings, I’m looking at you for this one. Please keep Dan Cleary out of the line of fire of all teammates. Please. There is a serious history of, well I’m just going to shut my whore mouth. Bubble wrap and caution are your new best friends.

6. Also for the Wings. Keep Homer pissed off. Aside from Babcock I’m not sure exactly what would piss off a Homer. Maybe sitting him next to Lebda on the plane, stealing his coloring books, or telling him the ending of the new Robert Pattinson movie. I don’t care. A pissed off Holmstrom paired with Dr. Dangler and the Mule only spells wonderful things.

7. Create a pregame/game routine, and when it works stick with it. Routines often are randomly created and followed after success. Other Wings bloggers have lost their pants risking legal and personal ramifications. Another spent countless hours rearranging lawn chair furniture. This folks, is commitment. Friends, family, and strangers may mock your traditions. But fuck it. True there is no clear science linking your superstitions with the Wings success, but I bet there is some correlation between routines and your pre playoff sanity.

8. As a favor to your friends, family, pets, loved ones in general, remind them what your behavior is like during each year’s playoff run. The tantrums, the anguish, elation, sudden mood swings. Prepare them for this behavior to begin earlier this year. They’ll be sure to bitch, but deep down, appreciate the fair warning.

9. Be sure to enjoy it. Remember how shitty the summer is without Red Wings hockey. Enjoy every game.

10. And finally, remember, despite the injuries, the anal probing of Jobu, and a long difficult season, this is still the Detroit Red Wings. It’s still Datsyuk, Lidstorm, a Zetterberg, Mule, Holmstrom, Kronwall, Rafalski, Filppula, Howard, Helm, Eaves, and yes even Bertuzzi. That’s a damn scary line up. And if it’s not enough, Babcock’s behind the bench with Holland and Yzerman watching from above. The 19ths consecutive playoff appearance is at stake, and I believe this team wants it just as bad as we do. Have faith and enjoy the remaining regular season games, even if you must do so in the fetal position.

Oh He's Out There

2010-03-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

So there is a douche on the loose in Phoenix. I know nothing about him accept that he drives a black car and has a Pens87 licence plate. So yes, enough said. I've seen the car around the area where I work a couple times. Unfortunately since I have the reflexes of a drunk 89 year old man who forgot to take his daily does of Cialis, I've never been able to get a clear picture. But just like Big Foot, I assure you he's out there. So while I condone a Pens87 license plate as much as I encourage a Mike Green fauxhawk, it did at least get me thinking. I began to contemplate what a personalized plate should be for some of our favorite Red Wings. And since I am anything but creative, feel free to offer up any other suggestions.

Jimmy Howard= Jimmah, and yes he's secure enough to have this license plate.

Darren Helm = The Kill, or Third Shorty, enough said.

Johan Franzen = FeedMe, I was going to go with Gigolo in honor of his amazing 1970s inspired mustache, but I was afraid of the possible legal and PR ramifications.

Pavel Datsyuk = Dr. Dangler, screw Dr. Ramani and his eye institute for replacing the best spokesman since Billy Mayes.

Jonathan Ericsson = HideUrGF, Voox over at A2Y has already described Ericsson's powers of fertility, so this is just a friendly warning to the men of Michigan to hide their girl friends.

Todd Bertuzzi = Reaper, because unibomber may raise some flags on the terror watch list.

Tomas Holmstrom = #1Stunna, because who else is as much of a pimp as Homer and his Swenglish

Brett Lebda = Baller, because you know he walks around with swagger he doesn't have.

Andres Lilja = BadAss, again enough said.

Jason Williams = BigJWilly, I'm pretty sure this is how he fancies himself and anything that reminds of a Will Smith song is awesome.

Chris Osgood = STFU BABS, I think the hate runs deep in our friend Chris. This may be too PG for him.

Derek Meech = 4RealAWing, just because I'm not sure people always believe him.

Niklas Kronwall = Kronwalled, because honestly, what else could it be?

Niklas Lidstrom = Mr. Norris, only an acceptable choice because he would be appalled by such a moniker

Drew Miller = ThisBuds4U, just because Miller Time is too predictable. He likes to keep people guessing. And an appropriate/ ironic spokesman choice.

Valterri Filppula = Fierce, and nothing more, because who else has a head of sun in damaged hair like everyone's favorite Finn?

Justin Abdelkader, SpartyOn, yes I know he's currently playing with the Griffins, but as an MSU alumnus he had to be included on the list.

Dan(minus the ny) Cleary = JustDanPls, I'm sure Pierre McGuire calling him Danny has forced him to seek the assistance of a therapist and witch doctor to overcome the night terrors.

Wings 5, Blackhawks 4, Pierre can suck it

2010-03-07T19:30:00.004-07:00

Holy hell that was a hockey game. Well the last two periods certainly were. Not sure what was taking place during the first, but I was glad I took Jennbikegirl's advice and had a little Irish coffee with my breakfast. And double points for me being able to keep it down despite the fact that NBC mentioned Crosby's name numerous times before the puck even dropped. Yes fuck you Gary, after practice, patience, and Tai chi, I am able to tolerate that dip shit. You can't keep this girl down.

Anywho, as per the tradition, below are my thoughts, theories, and general bitchiness regarding the game:

Edzo, Eddie O, or whatever douche approved nickname you can think of stated that if the Wings lose this game they don't make the playoffs. Exactly the kind of astute analysis I expect from an NBC broadcast.
Soon after Pierre starts discussing the free agent deflections, blah blah blah, it's March, shut the fuck up. I'm pretty sure the NBC crew has a strick formula to follow each game. Possibly something like this, Crosby, Crosby, Crosby, Deflections, Crosby, Injuries, Crosby, Crosby, the end of the Red Wing era, Crosby, and finally Pierre gets off his knees and wipes his mouth. Far too predictable.
So at this point, I'm annoyed with NBC, I needed to "adjust" the Irish coffee, and I was seriously concerned with the way the Wings came out. To make matters worse Duncan Keith scores and Pierre crowns him the new Nick Lidstrom. Excuse me but I was unaware that the court jester/ ass clown, was able to crown royalty. I must have missed that in Gary's "Fuck the NHL" manifesto. Because later, in all his brilliant wit, the douche canoe crowns Datsyuk the King of larceny. Something about him is just so damn creepy.
Despite the win, Jimmy Howard had another rough night. His rebound control, was non existent. I'm hoping he just needs some time to adjust from the long break. I'm anxiously awaiting the return of young James.
Filppula had a very uncharacteristic giveaway directly leading to Chicago's second goal. Had Lebda done the same thing, my new neighbors would probably have overheard some new and exciting swear words.
It was a rough first period for the Wings. I felt like everyone was standing around waiting for a pass. No one was moving their feet or getting to the open ice. Despite being down 2 goals, the urgency was nonexistent.
And if things weren't gloomy enough, if all the bunnies and unicorns hadn't already given us the middle finger while skipping away, Zetterberg appeared to be playing hurt. Something was off and he looked to be in pain. Dammit, just what they need.
In the second period a controversial no goal call finally goes the Wings way, and as usual it caused an entire momentum shift. The game could have been 3-0 but instead the Red Wings took over.
The Wings score 5, yes 5 bitches, unanswered goals in the second period. Great effort. Rafalski was in Olympic form on the first goal, Lidstrom with his Norris Trophyesque shot scored the second, Williams with the third, and Filppula redeemed himself with the fourth goal.
Todd Bertuzzi, everyone's favorite potential, yes potential, serial killer was involved in 3 of the goals. Great game for him. Well until he was awkwardly hit by Eager while already falling down from a previous check. Babcock said he had a charlie horse, but we all know he lies to us, and while we like this, it does render his injury reports about as useful as Pronger during a math test. I'm hoping it wasn't his knee, but it certainly didn't look good.
My favorite moment of the game had to be when Datsyuk stole the puck from 20 cents and scored a beautiful goal on the breakaway. Not only did that goal encompass all the things that make Datsyuk, well Dangle Dangleish, but I cannot stand Patrick Kane. I place him in the same douche class as Ryan Getzlaf and Mike Green. I imagine he would be the type of guy to walk up to you and throw out this kind of line "I don't know if you know this, but I'm kinda a big deal. I have many leather bound books." He has that mantra playing over and over again in his head. His daily manifesto if you will. Which makes Datsyuk's game winning goal that much more satisfying.
The third period starts out with Kane, Toews, and Hossa on the same line. Honestly that made me a bit nervous. Especially with the Wings seeming to sit back and hope to hold onto the lead.
Franzen already had the classic mouth guard incident of 2009, so keeping up with his hysterical tradition, he had a nice dive call late in the third. Thanks for keeping a stressful situation light.
Chicago manages to come up with 2 more goals in the third. Ladd of course had a hat trick. And you know what, Lidstrom didn't piss his pants while whining about all the hats on the ice. Because unlike the face of the NHL, the Red Wings captain has class. With a capital C.
KronWall returned, welcome back, and had a much better game. Even stopping a goal while Jimmy was flopping around like a drunk stripper at the tale end of a 12 hour shift.
Datsyuk ended up taking a shot off his foot. He went to the bench in pain. I doubled over in fear. Luckily he came back out, but we've all watched enough hockey, especially this season, to know as soon as he takes his skate off, and tomorrow rolls around, we could all be experiencing the shakes and cold sweats. I'm holding out hope for both him and Bertuzzi.

Despite a weak first period, and sitting back in the third, the Wings managed to hold onto the win. It was a big game for them because quite frankly they needed the 2 points. They are now one behind Nashville and have a four point game against Calgary coming up. They've won 4 of their last 5 games, and quite frankly I'm sick of standings watching and analyzing, because I suck at it. Great game. Let's go Wings.

How did I miss that game

2010-03-06T13:40:00.004-07:00

Of course I missed it. The one game I couldn't watch and the one game not on the DVR (don't ask why it wasn't recorded, touchy subject.), was apparently a fantastic Red Wings effort. So what does this all mean? Well a completely rational, logical, and sane person would deduce that I'm bad luck this season, and when I watch they lose. Luckily, I'm currently too hung over to posses any of those characteristics. So I'm just going to assume the leaders of the team had enough and demanded more from themselves and the other players.

Even though I didn't watch the game, a wonderful little Al Gore invention, allowed me to view the Datsyuk goal. Unbelievable. Datsyuk has had enough. He's been embarrassed in the Olympics and has decided if him and Darren Helm have to do it on their own, the Wings are making the fucking playoffs. Seriously, it's not even a possibility for them to not make a 19th consecutive playoff appearance. 19. For fucks sake the number 19. 19 is far too important of a number for The Organization and Datsyuk decided to make sure they reach that milestone. Alright, stepping off my soap box. That was far too exhausting for the way I feel today.

Anywho, Darren Helm had 2 goals last night and his third shorty of the year. And yes I realize "Third Shorty" should totally be the name of a cheesy rap song. The only remaining question is what will his stage name be? I'm open to suggestions.

I haven't read anywhere about how Kronwall played. I'm choosing to take that as a good thing and assume it means he successfully kidnapped and destroyed the evil KronVall with copious amounts of lingon berry sauce. Whatever it takes.

Tomorrow is Chicago. A huge game for a number of reasons. I'm hoping they can build off the momentum from last nights win and earn 2 more points.

Another reason to hate Gary and NBC, I'll be eating cheerios while watching the game and avoiding the socially unacceptable morning drink. Thanks a lot ass holes.

Will we see a return of KronWall?

2010-03-05T09:06:00.003-07:00

Blah blah blah. Even with the Wings seeming to play every other day until April, the news is slow. I hate days like this. But at least it's Friday. Tonight the Wings play Nashville. Thanks to a win last night, the Predators have a 5 point lead over the Wings. Much more cushy and comfy than the Wings 1 point lead over the 9th place teams. Fuck my life.

So in an effort to maintain my sanity, below are some pointless questions or comments, or drunken (shut up its 9am here) ramblings about tonight's game:

Will Jimmy Howard be able to rebound from the Osgood inflicted brainwashing he received over the Olympic break? As much as I love Olympic hockey and am a proponent for the NHL players inclusion, I was worried about the effect this would have on young James. A hot goalie having to take a 2 week break, clearly a poor idea.
A friend asked my why all hockey players wear gold chains? Never noticed it before, but he's right. Interesting question and sometimes a horrible fashion choice.
Ericsson is rightfully benched tonight. His play of late makes me want to break a piece of IKEA furniture and burn the pieces. Yes I'm hardcore like that. But seriously, how fucked up is this year if Lebda is replacing Ericsson? I think all Wings fans deserve some sort of reward for this. Perhaps the hockey gods could finally leak the pictures of Crosby and Bettman in "compromising" positions. Hey it's called a casting couch for a reason. We don't judge here, we love and accept.
Lilja meets up with Shea Weber for the first time since a punch to the chin took him out of commission for a year. Please stay away from Weber. And on a side note, after watching Canada in the Olympics, that big lumberjacks shot scares me more than the thought of Patrick Kane in a limo.
Will KronWall return tonight or will we be subjected to KroVall the sequel? Please no, my system can't take being pissed about two Swedes at once. It's a like a double negative that turns into a positive that brings me back to wondering why Lebda's in the lineup to finally cursing Bettman and the salary cap while lying in a pile of half eatten doughnuts. Don't judge me.
Will the Wings play with the passion of a jilted Housewife (the ABC version not the Real Housewives of Atlanta version, those bitches are too classy to be jilted) or will they actually stay awake for three full periods?
Bertuzzi has officially been moved to the third line. What will possibly get him out of his scoring slump? I believe a TOV male acappella version of the "Mantuzzi" (is this copyrighted yet?) song is the only solution. It doesn't matter if it's painful to us, it's for the good of the whole Wings Nation.

Sure there's no point to the nonsense above, but is there really ever a point to anything at Bingo Bango?

At least I FINALLY posted twice in the same week. Small victories.

They're Back??

2010-03-04T06:59:00.002-07:00

Well Red Wing hockey has returned from a long Olympic break. And when I say "Red Wing Hockey," I of course unfortunately mean this years version of uninspired, bored, piss poor excuse for hockey. Like a bad case of gonorrhea, just when you think the problems gone (please see the Colorado game) all your symptoms (in the place of burning piss insert REALLY poor defensive play) come back at the worst time. It's the playoff hunt, do or die. Even if they wanted to bow out in the first round, I'd take it at this point, just keep the playoff streak alive. The sense of pride, honor, commitment, and hard work associated with the Winged Wheel seems to have disappeared this year. Do I still have faith it can return, sure. But with each passing "throw away" game, my hope and resolve is turning to dispare. At 24, I don't have a strong memory of the Wings not making it to the playoffs. Of course I have many memories of early playoff departures and years of disappointments. But an 18 year playoff streak is impressive in any sport. At the very least, you would think that would inspire the team.

The injuries at this point cannot be an excuse. Yes they are still attempting to adjust to new linemates and essentially a new lineup, but that does not explain the emotionless, slow moving, game they played last night.

Babcock has said, the best players need to actually, you know be the best players on the team. Last night, I thought Datsyuk, Franzen, and Zetterberg had some decent offensive moments. And yep in order to balance by good and bad karma, I said something nice.

Now onto the quick and dirty game recap. And I do mean really quick, I prefer not to relive hangovers, the flu, or moments of self inflicted torture.

Well I'd be a fucking idiot not to know exactly what kind of game this was going to be when Vancouver scored in the first 4 minutes. I had to reprogram myself to hate Ryan Kessler. However, I assure you, despite Kane being on team USA, the hate never died.
You would think Howard would like that one back. Although maybe not. I'm pretty sure during the Olympic break, Osgood kidnapped and tied Howard up in his creepy little "man shed" behind his house. During Howards imprisonment, he was forced to watch Osgoods regulars season games from last year and this year. During each bad goal, Osgood would bring in a hot stripper to do a little dance for our young Jimmy. At which time, he soon developed a Pavels dog (not that Pavel) type reaction to allowing horrible goals. This, and only this can possibly be the explanation for Jimmy's less than stellar play.
I had the TSN feed, and decided I could not stand listening to them say Fraaaaazen over and over again. The utter butchering of his name made me miss the vocal delights from the cast of Jersey Shore.
Jason Williams (yes the one I called to trade) scored an amazing goal after a great feed from Zetterberg. 2-1 Wings. False hope restored.
Now if this next play happened to any other team, I would have enjoyed it. Kronwall once again pinches (yeah that alone will knock the wind out of you) takes a great feed from Franzen. Attempts a Ken Daniels approved skate to stick move, but instead steps on the puck, and falls down faster than a drunk sorority girl. While doing so, he knocks over another Wing, which leads to an odd man rush and Vancouver's second goal. An entire 90 seconds after Zetterberg ties it up. Awesome.
But no worries, a couple other friendly Swedes come to make up for their countryman's mistake. Lilja has a nice pass to Zetterberg, who completely freezes Luongo for a beautiful goal. Hope again restored.
Datsyuk was a little pissy last night, which is almost as great as seeing an angry Homer. He took a roughing penalty causing a little 4 on 4 time.
Soon after Kyle Wellwood scores on a breakaway. Jimmy froze quicker than a guy who just saw his first real live boob.
At some point Kronwall over skates another pass. This one from Zetterberg. He had a horrible, horrible game. Well I guess I should clarify, according to TSN, KronVall had a horrible game. Perhaps that means KronWall took the night off. Yeah I'm going with that theory. It makes me feel better.
Speaking of which, everyones favorite KronVall takes a bad penalty, 4-2 Vancouver.
Babcock pulls Howard, and we're left with Ozzie. Again, awesome.
Best part of the night, and by best part I mean a kick to the balls, Samulesson gets a shot on net and scores.
Kessler scores ANOTHER goal after ANOTHER KronVall penalty.
At this point I was done. Watching a rerun of the Bad Girls club was less painful. Game ends 6-3.

And there you have it folks. A tremendous effort from a team fighting for a playoff spot. Sigh. Not sure what can help at this point. But in order to maintain the sanity I have left, and because as a die hard Wings fan it's my obligation, I'm holding out hope they can turn this around. And yes I understand how delusional that sounds.

Team America, Puppet Sex, Corey Perry is a douche

2010-02-23T18:41:00.005-07:00

I had no idea how to title this post, or really what to write about which is why I'm about two days late and a million analogies behind everyone else when it comes to the USA pissing all over Canada's dreams Sunday night.

What a fantastic game. For some reason, after the end of the second period, the Team America World Police theme song kept playing in my head over and over again, followed by fucked up visions of the marionette puppet sex scene and all the questions that come along with the logistics of such a scene.

Top that lovely moment with Corey Perry getting ass raped on the open net goal and it was a glorious night. My parents missed the game as they were taking a late flight back to Michigan from sunny Arizona. However, first things first, when they landed and called to see who won the game, you could hear cheers erupt throughout the plane. For fucks sake I love Michigan.

And apparently Michigan loves hockey. I forgot the number, but something like 12 players on Team USA have ties to Michigan. Particularly Brian Rafalski. Can anyone tell me where he came from? 4 goals in the tournament and dare I say strong defensive play. He's rejuvenated. You know what, I think the Olympics and a little Canadian dream molesting certainly seems to do a Rafalski good.

Oh and as the final verse of Team America Fuck Yeah played in my head, the Michigan State Fight song soon picked up in honor of none other than Ryan Miller. Under normal circumstances the guy scares the shit out of me. Not just because he's fantastic in net, but he has that, I didn't fart look about him. Something seems off, but wow. It's been great watching him play on a regular basis. Amazing performance. And another reason I have dreams of punching Gary in the nuts, so many great East Coast players I hardly get to see.

Speaking of other teams, (and please ignore the fact that this post is all over the place. I am still laughing at Crosby missing the penalty shot in the game tonight.) how weird is it to root for the success of Patrick Kane and Bobby Ryan? It's like trying to tell your body not to throw up when you have the flu. It's tough. I'm one of the rare people who likes seeing the NHL players in the Olympics, purely for my own entertainment, but it will be nice to get back to hating Patrick Kane. It's like everything in the world will fall back into place.

Anyway, let's take a quick look at some of the other Wings in the Olympics:

Pavel Datsyuk: Having a really good strong tournament. His usual Dangle Dangle self. He's been particularly great defensively. He seems to be having fun.

Henrik Zetterberg: eh? He's playing well. Nothing overtly special. (and yes I know saying that is like kicking a sleeping puppy.) I was hoping this would maybe give a boost of energy. Still time I suppose.

Niklas Kronwall: He seems to still be working through the knee injury. Certainly playing well, some big hits, but still getting his timing back. That's fine, work it out now, just please don't twe.....yeah I'll stop.

Johan Franzen: Yep he looks good. Of course the Swedish Mule comes back a mere 3 months after ACL surgery. If he weren't one of my favorite players (aka a Red Wing) I'd certainly be calling him some sort of freak.

Niklas Lidstrom: The Perfect Human nickname has stuck for a reason.

Valterri Filppula: I'll be honest. I haven't watched Finland much. He looked pretty good when they played Sweden, but I only saw a period and a half before finally giving in to sleep.

Brian Rafalski: Please tell me that when you think of Rafalski and Team America, creepy marionette puppets at least begin to pop into your mind. Anyway, fantastic tournament, tied for second in scoring. Please, please bring that back to Detroit.

Mike Babcock: Apparently goalie controversies are following him this year. You know Ozzie is laughing while still working on unbunching his panties....Canada, well the country is beginning to assemble their angry mob, just in case.

Tomorrow USA vs Switzerland (aka Jonas Hiller)

Wings 2, Sharks 3 (SO)

2010-02-12T05:53:00.002-07:00

Well the Wings didn't win, they didn't sweep the sharks, but it was a better game, and they did come out of it all with a point. So that's something. Enough, what they needed, no. But at least they didn't play like a bunch for 2 year olds who haven't napped for the day. So yeah, an improvement.

In some ways it was a little deja vu of last year. The Wings had 40 plus shots, the other teams goaltender pulled his pants down and said I'm bigger than you are, and despite long periods of domination, the Wings still lost. Painful yes, but much better than the alternative we've witnessed the rest of this season.

Below are my random thoughts about the game, or other nonsense. It's early, I can't promise anything.

While watching Franzen's "pre game interview," I became concerned he had shaved the gigolo mustache fans across North America have become so very fond of. But alas, during the game it reappeared. Since he is Johan Franzen, I'm pretty sure he can grow facial hair on demand. But what's sad, I've taken the time to note this. Never since Apolo Ohno's facial landing strip have I been so convinced a mans hair can affect his game.
Ok moving on, Ryan Clowe is an ass licker. But I didn't have to tell you that. Filppula took a nice elbow to the head. Clowe obviously argued the penalty because come on, it was quite clear Filppula's face injured his elbow. Blondie should have been given two for either interference of for roughing up Clowe's money maker, he is a natural beauty.
The Wings looked good through the first. The defense was finally making some decent outlet passes, and the forwards were quick through the neutral zone. It was weird.
Brett Lebda has been receiving a great deal of flak, some believe rightfully so, others not so much. Well either way, last night the linesmen felt a little bad for Brett, so he hoped on his lap for a little mid game dance. Everyone kept their pants on.
Howard had some unbelievable saves, once again. I'm still working on eating all the shit I spewed about him earlier this season....
When Homers gone, you really do forget how much that bastard does for the team. After getting stripped searched and a full rectal exam in front of the net, Homer finally drew a penalty. That man certainly works for his money more than a male "escort" working the night shift in Vegas. Meech missed an open net on the delayed penalty. I think it was a delayed tribute to poor Sammy who is still untwisting his bunched up panties over the Olympic "snub."
But on that PP, Franzen scores top shelf. Awesome. Beautiful wrister. Nothing more to say but, we missed you Johan Franzen.
Well the celebration was short lived as the Sharks scored seconds later.
A little out of sequence here, but did I mention yet that Tomas Holmstrom negated an icing? No really, Helm didn't get confused and accidentally put on Homer's sweater. Wouldn't you feel like such an ass if you were the Shark beaten by Homer coming back after missing time due to a bruised knee? Either way, I now feel bad that during the last TOV podcast I compared his skating to that of a drunken monkey...
San Jose took the lead late in the first. Really fucking late actually with about 10 seconds left. Ericsson forgot he was playing defense, or really playing hockey at all, and left his man wide open. I've got nothing. He's done it too often this year to even talk about it again.
A some point Mickey (I really have missed Ken and Mick during the road trip) noted that Clowe (yes that ass licker again) tried to "make Homer a soprano." Awesome line, and yet it's all very confusing to me. Why do guys, well some guys like Clowe and Crosby, enjoy hitting other guys in the nuts? I don't get it? I played sports growing up and never chose to hit another girl in the boob...seems weird. Anyway Clowe is still a douche.
Usually during the FSD broadcasts, Mickey and a drunk Murph are the ones to bring the laughs while Ken Daniels just attemps to make sure everyone gets through the broadcast safely. But last night, he did have the line of the game. During the third period, Jody Shelley (yes he has two girl names) hit the crossbar, cue Ken "Good thing that was Shelley....no offense." Oh I'm sure none would be taken.
Is it just me or does Filppula seem so much stronger this season both along the boards and on the puck. It's not as though he was every weak in this area, he just has improved so much.
Jason Williams ends up tying the game. However it was reviewed. Well obviously.
Ericsson (at an inopportune time) decides to fight Clowe. He got a nice first shot it. But the rest of the fight was a bit unimpressive. Despite his poor play as of late, I would like Holland to issue a proclamation (he's Ken Holland, he does have that kind of power) that no more Swedes are to fight. Ever. And under the signed document would be a giant picture of Lilja.
After that there is a little overtime, a little Wings PP during overtime, a shoot out that consists of Dangle, Williams, and Bert...and the Wings lose. I hate the shoot out for so many reasons.

Last night Ken Daniels also insightfully informed us that Ken Holland would be making a roster move today. In other breaking news, Larry Murphy puked after the game and Johan Franzen's teeth are revolting against his mouth.

A much better effort from the Wings last night. But they need more than just the effort, they need 2 points from at least SOME of their games. I suppose it is a step in the right direction.

I wonder what the turn around can be attributed to. Perhaps player leadership? I still don't buy the Babcock scenario. Is he a players coach? Fuck no. Was Scotty Bowman? Yeah he was about as much of a players coach as I am a delicate flower. It's time for the leaders in the dressing room to push their team, and perhaps last night, that's what happened.

Hopefully the momentum carries over into tomorrows game.

I've got 4 reasons to be a homer....

2010-02-10T09:04:00.002-07:00

And no I don't mean a Tomas Holmstrom. Turning into a slightly angry Swede who resembles a rabid chipmunk especially when dreaming on a nightly basis of punching both Scotty Bowman and Mike Babcock in the balls it a bit too ambitious of a task for a Wednesday morning. What I mean is a Red Wings homer. A fan who plays pin the tail on the Gary donkey at birthday parties even if it makes the other, non hockey fan adults, question your sanity and remind their kids not to talk to strangers. Apparently last night Darren McCarty said something along these lines. Anyway I think he did. I turned the game off immediately, I couldn't bare to watch the "analysis" but everyones twitters were twatting this...so in some context something was said. And if not, well it still applies. I have about 24 years worth of reasons to be a Wings fan. Since I can remember, my ENTIRE family grew up watching the team. When my parents would go to the games and my poor, poor grandparents were left to watch me, they would sit my little 3 year old hyperactive ass down in front of the game and tell me to see if I can find my parents in the crowd....or maybe there will be a fight...either way, I turned into some crazed fan. A passionate, life long Wings fan.

But with that said, the passion for the Wings seems to have completely dissipated. They were slow, lethargic, and had I not known better, I would have assumed they had played the night before, not St. Louis. Quite frankly, they are damn lucky to walk away with a point. Jimmy deserves a round of drinks and whatever else makes that goofy little bastard happy because he kept them in the game. It easily could have been 6-0, 7-0, or worse. Yes I said zero because the goals the Wings received were flukes, lucky. And good luck hasn't been something they've run into a lot this year. Personally, I think the hockey gods felt bad. They only meant to fuck with the Wings. You know, the old bra in the freezer trick. But instead they broke them. They took their dreams and rubbed their grubby little hands all over.

Below are a few random and quick thoughts about the game:

First and foremost, the Mule looked good in his return. Both on the ice and off. He threw a good hit in the first, made some plays (for fucks sake he was the only person taking the puck off the boards and driving through the slot in the middle), and had some solid scoring opportunities. He kept up with play (although at the pace the rest of his teammates was playing there was no way he couldn't keep up). But the highlight would be his newly developed mustache. The only way it could have been better was if it had handle bars. Pure awesomeness. I'm convinced that after his ACL surgery he repeatedly watched Boogie Nights and now fancies himself some sort of American gigolo. Either way, great to have him back.
Bertuzzi somehow took a penalty in the first 2 minutes. Fuck you Bert.
Johnny Ericsson had a better night. He cleared some rebounds in front of his own net and had an assist on the Draper clusterfuck of a goal. Seriously, how the hell did that go in?
According to the Versus announcers, young James is a pitchback. Do they think before they speak, and why do I have the humor of an 11 year old boy.
On the Draper goal, Helm apparently was a little quick out of the gate and according to the 10 minutes dedicated to the subject by Versus, he cheated. Draper has taught the young grasshopper well.
The Wings were awful the first two periods. Painful to watch. So Versus cut to Datsyuk on the bench dangling his boogers. Nice double snot rocket. Guess he didn't feel like a little dangle dangle on the ice during the first 2 , but boogers, well that he felt like.
Howard faced 20 shots in the first. At this point, that probably bored him.
On the Wings first pp in the first period, they didn't have a shot on goal...just a fun little fact...
It was only a matter of time that the lack of defensive effort came and bit the Wings in their collectively slow ass. 3-1 Blues was hard to see, but the only surprising part, it wasn't worse...
Now obviously I'm not a professional athlete, so this next point will probably not be popular. There has been a great deal of talk regarding the teams motivation and how that is probably Babcocks fault. I disagree. These guys are PROFESSIONAL athletes. Sure they don't make as much money as basketball or football players but they still make obscene amounts of cash compared to the average person. Plus they have a job, where they get to play a game they love. Often a childhood dream achieved. And if that's not enough, wouldn't performing your fucking job be all the motivation you need? They aren't peewee players, or even college or junior players. They are in the NHL. Motivation may not be able to be maintained for 82 games a year. Let's face it, no one has their A game on everyday at work. But this seems unacceptable....Alright, stepping off soap box...
Somehow the Wings fought back with a little bit of help from lady luck and tied the game up to earn a point in overtime. A point we're happy to take but they didn't deserve.
Datsyuk showed up for the latter part of the game. Would have been great to have him for 3 whole periods.
I don't know about you, but I would be ok not seeing Zetterberg in any more shootouts. That was painful.

Next game is Thursday. Who honestly knows what team we will see on the ice. There is no way of telling. Either way it's time for the leaders in the dressing room to step up and demand more from themselves and from their team. The talent level is there, the time to make the playoffs is still there....now the players just need to jump on board.

What we do know for sure, Uncle Mike says young James is starting. I'd be interested to know the last Wings goaltender that faced this many shots per game. Just imagine what his save percentage would be with a little solid defense in front of him.

A little podcast with your morning Depends?

2010-02-09T07:07:00.002-07:00

So I had every intention of posting a recap of the Wings game against the Kings, but when I drug my tired ass out of bed Sunday morning and forced myself to watch, well watch whatever the fuck that was, I just didn't have the motivation to do it. 3 Wings goals in the first, 3 Kings goals in the second, and 3 Red Wing injuries, well quite frankly the number three can go and fuck itself.

Anyway, after inflicting a little unnecessary torture upon myself, it was time to record another episode of The Obstructed View. Seriously, I'm a little nervous to even entertain the idea of listening to this one....There is a distinct possibility that after my random and possibly incoherent ramblings, Chris may be forced to remove me from future podcasts. But in all seriousness, it was an awesome podcast and a ton of fun. This weeks show consisted of Kris from Snipe Snipe Dangle Dangle with her ever subtle humor and interesting perspective, Rob from The Production Line with his hilarious anecdotes and accurate analysis, and the always popular Chris and Brian. It was a great show. Be sure to check it out. You'll discover what a curling gaggle of drunken Murphs really is, the intricacies of facial landing strips, and possibly an explanation for the Wings struggles....

Tonight the Wings take on the 13th place Blues. And I'm petrified. Quite frankly this is the time when I'm irritate by the social stigma adult diapers would bring a 24 year old. But anyway, the Wings are 1 and 3 against the Blues. Exactly the kind of game that brings fear and irrational superstitions to light.

Speaking of which, the man who still causes Patrick Kane to wet his superman sheets is back in the line up. And in honor of his return, I will FINALLY have the opportunity to wear my "Feed the Mule" t-shirt. I don't have the statistics handy, but in the past this shirt has brought a little luck to our deserving team.

And they will need it. Homer is a game time decision or something, anyway, he's out. Eaves is out, Kronwall is out, but at least Miller is in.

Oh and the third defensive pairing, Lebda and Meech, strap on those depends boys and girls, the puck drops at 8.

Holy Goalie Batman...

2010-02-04T06:20:00.004-07:00

Alright we get it. Any team with Getzlaf and Perry can only sanely be classified as a collection of shit licking douchbags. But do their television announcers have to be so fucking annoying as well? Seriously, during the course of that slow motion murder of dreams, us poor bastards forced to endure the Duck's feed, were treated to the gems "holy goalie Batman" and "coast to coast like butter toast" and something about Datsyuk riming the puck or stick, something. I don't know. Even for a late night broadcast, it was inappropriate. But seriously, I'm not 5 (although clearly they believe their core audience has the combined mentality of a 5 year old) and I sure as hell don't appreciate watching a hockey broadcast with a script modeled after a Dr. Seuss book. For fucks sake, give me an incoherent drunken Murph any day. If that weren't bad enough I'm pretty sure the creepy little guy on the left hand side of the screen was attempting to eye fuck us all night long. I woke up feeling used and dirty this morning...we didn't even get a free drink out of it. Bastard. Where are his manners?

Sigh, anyway, sure the broadcast sucked, but I'm really just full of the bitchies this morning for a couple of reasons.

1. The Wings played with the intensity and speed of a drunken and stoned donkey
2. Gary Bettman and his circus of ass clowns

I took notes and points I wanted to make about last nights game. Oh I did. More than a few about the absurdity of Ericsson having to fight to defend himself after a good clean hit. About how I'm not ashamed that I woke up from a night terror out of fear that this morning we would find out another big Swede hurt himself due to a poorly timed fight. I had a whole section about how much I still can't stand Williams and was going to rationally, but probably irrationally suggest the Wings dump his 1.5 million dollar salary. Fuck his right handed shot on the PP.

But instead I'm too irritated to go into details. I'm confused by how the Wings could play so well and with such poise against the top league in the conference, but drop into the fetal position and forfeit a win to Getzlaf and his band of pretty pussys. I don't get it. The emotion as Babcock would say was missing.

But more than anything, I'm confused by how the Gary and his joke of a league can have more goals this season against the Wings alone, than Leino has against 29 other teams? It's pathetic. Please, someone, I am too lazy and pissed to figure this out, but how many goal controversies has there been this season alone? The fact that I cannot name them off the top of my head means there are far too many. Sure, the Wings still lost the game, but a 2-1 game sets a completely different tone than a 3-1 game. George over at Snapshots has a much better write up with video. Perhaps I should create a chart plotting the dates and games the league butt fucked the Wings. I'll even use little pictures of asses....I'll put the effort in.

Sigh, It's time for me to step away from the computer now. All I can say is, Gary suck on a herpes infected dick. Time to readjust and re-enforce my tin foil hat.

Holy Hell That Was a Hockey Game

2010-02-03T07:49:00.003-07:00

Ignoring the first period near ass raping, and as the saying goes, close only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades, and anal cavities, the Wings played some fantastic hockey.

I'm racking my short term memory (possibly forever damaged by this season) to remember a time when the Wings played such a complete, game. The PK looked strong, the PP emerged from it's hiding place (conveniently located under Murph's secret stash of bulk size Kirklands vodka), the flying circus was posed and in control. Dare I say that despite the first two softie goals, the Wings took that game by the balls.

Work is kicking my booty today, so this will be short. Below are a few random thoughts about the game:

Being on the West Coast, I'm forced to watch the majority of the games on Center Ice. So when I am blessed with the FSD feed, I often serenading the hockey gods. And no unlike Mike Green I choose something a little more appropriate than "I'm so pretty." But last night, the feed appeared to be circa 1997. I half expected to Murph slur "I'm ready, put me in coach."
Speaking of FSD, that damn April in the D promotion is back. The only way that it may be tolerable is if the guys from The Triple Deke, Andy from Fight Night and the Joe, and Herm team up for a multinational clusterfuck submission.
For fucks sake, Homer was on fire last night. Amazing. It was as if that little butt nugget Lebda never broke his foot. He had two assists and nearly as many goals. I'm pretty sure he's been drinking out of the same fountain of youth that's revived Draper. And no I don't mean Leino's young tears of dispair and anguish.
Last night on the A2Y live blog, JJ from Kansas mentioned that Filppula looks like a young Datsyuk. Exactly. The way he held onto the puck along the boards and in tight spaces, while still making huge plays is very Dangle Dangleish in nature. He's much stronger than he looks and a great play maker. Fantastic game for everyones favorite bleach blonde Finn.
With the game tied 2-1, I was still in the "please, please don't make me shit my pants quicker than the new inmate" mode. So when the Wings went on the PP, I made some off handed bitchy comment about wishing they would never go on the PP again because they seem more confused and disjointed than a guy attempting to unhook his first bra...and as I was bitching, Zetterberg shut me the hell up. And they ended up converting on 2 of 6 chances. I hope Babcock puts some sort of GPS on the PP. They can't lose it again.
Maltby had some nice moves in the second. Hey, did you guys know he was a 50 goal scorer in Juniors?
Meech had the winning goal. Yes dammit, I said Meech. Lebda take note you little turd.
And Eaves got the forth after brilliant efforts by both Helm and Rafalski. Just a great play. My words won't do it justice. But the hearts of male Red Wing fans across the world are dancing with puppies, rainbows, and unicorns, while swimming in a river of Joe Thornton tears every time they think of Helm and Eaves...

The only downside to last night was the Kronwall incident. In the first my ulcer started bleeding when I saw Kronwall flopping around like a drunken toddler. If there was ever a time where peeing your pants would be cool, that was it. But apparently as everyone, and my grandma has already pointed out, his blade fell off (the jokes write themselves). The MVP of the first period, would definitely be the equipment guys who were handing him a new skate faster than a guy at a bar buys a pretty girl a drink.

Too bad the gods decided to shit on us, and Kronwall tweaked something. Ankle, knee, toe, it doesn't really matter. He's out for AT LEAST the Anaheim game. Who knows for how much longer. What were the fucking chances of that happening.

As a result, the giant Swede will be back in to night and I hope, like Stella, the Wings got their groove back.

Boom, Roasted

2010-02-01T09:33:00.002-07:00

Well the Mike Babcock, Ozzie bitch slap/ ball stomping, comment has now made the rounds. I officially saw it for the first time at The Triple Deke. It was subtle right? Very interesting Babcock. I'm not a genius, but I don't have to read between the lines on that one.

None the less this whole public flogging reminds me of Michael Scott's version of an office wide roast. Yes, check out the clip if you need a little giggle on this Monday morning.

For some weird reason I envision Babcock standing in the middle of the dressing room going:

Leino, you suck. Boom, roasted.

Williams, you cry like a little girl. Boom, roasted.

Bertuzzi, your faux/mohawk automatically makes you a douche. Boom, roasted.

May, Lebda could kick your ass. Boom, roasted.

Datsyuk, you speak English bad. Boom, roasted.

Jimmy, you're American and JR said I hate Americans. So Boom, roasted.

Maltby, yeah, enough said. Boom, roasted.

Not that Babcock is in anyway Michael Scott, but I just imagine that his insults are neither clever nor unique, but instead confusing or straight to the point.

Let's wait and see if Ozzie has any response. I imagine it involves a middle finger and a Bingo Bango approved amount of FUCKS.

In good news, Kronwall appears to be ok. So yeah, thank you baby Jesus.

Wait the Wings Played Today?

2010-01-31T17:57:00.003-07:00

Because I honestly thought Crosby was playing Malkin and the Wings players were the puck boys and Jimmy was just there for target practice. Well that's what NBC told me...

Seriously, I hate NBC. Just when you think a sports broadcast cannot be any worse than the amateur production on Versus, we get the distinct pleasure of viewing that shitfest on NBC. Now I warn you, before I get into the game, I need to get some NBC, Pierre McGuire, Edzo, hate off my chest.

Let me start off by saying I was seriously concerned for Sidney Crosby. Now just give me a second to explain. The amount of man love, taking place was disconcerting. I firmly believe it was a necessity to have a police escort get Sid the Kid out of Mellon arena tonight. If not he may have found his Shirley Temple (with extra cherries) spiked with a little somethin somethin, which forced him to take the risk of walking down a dark alley. Waiting for him, would be Pierre and Edzo for a little on the knees love fest...it got to that point today.

Since the Wings once again decided it wasn't necessary to show up for the first 40 minutes, thus frustrating me to no end, I decided to start tallying the number of times anyone on the NBC crew mentioned Crosby. Now this number didn't include the number of times they showed him before every commercial break, after most plays, and most memorably after Stuart's tying goal, no, it was just saying his name. My final number 84. And I wasn't even paying that much attention since I was still a bit "tired" from the night before. 84 fucking times. Are you kidding me?

So what did I do, I became frustrated, started bitching, and possibly irrationally yelling at the TV. My husband took his life into his own hands by telling me I must be imagining it, no one can be that biased....and so he watched the rest of the game with me. Here's what we were able to see:

After the first period, they did a loooovely expose on wait for it, wait for it...Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin....heaven forbid they discuss the game
After the second period, they did a piece on Malkin....were the Penguins playing themselves? Are there any other teams in the NHL outside of the Capitals and the Penguins.
The squirt of the game or whatever that shit was, was Fleury.
Crosby provided us with the douche squeaks of the game
I don't give a shit that Crosby hits pucks into a dryer....but I did see that commercial on at least 3 separate occasions, and no I didn't go to facebook to see who won
Pierre did get off his knees and wipe his mouth long enough to interview Babcock for 23 seconds....wow thanks, you completely left the Wings fans satisfied.

The result, my husband openly said "you're right, they're lining up for a Penguins gang bang."

NBC is always terrible to watch, they fail to show replays of penalties, for fucks sake they fail to show game tying goals live, but today, they took the one sided bias to a whole new level. McGuire honestly reminded me of that blonde chick from the movie Obsessed. You know that movie with Beyonce and the guy who was on a few episodes of The Office. Pretty sure he has a giant poster of Crosby and that obnoxious commercial with Max Talbots head covered with his own replaying over and over again....

Now that I'm done with that, and thanks for listening to my rant, below are a few random thoughts about the game:

The early start time confused the Wings and they did not show up for the first period. Jimmy was forced to stop 16 shots in the first alone. Unacceptable. I have no words or understanding to where their motivation could possibly be.
Zetterberg and Datsyuk played well. Datsyuk being the second best Wing after young James.
Despite tightening up on defense lately, the were slopping in their own end more times that Crosby's name was mentioned... that is until it came to the PK where they once again played fantastically....explain that one to me
Filppula schooled Gonchar, too bad the creepy guy in the office who spends half the day picking his zits had a greater chance of scoring...because Fil also missed a wide open net. Damn.
Kronwall may or may not be hurt. MOTHER FUCKER. Seriously, we just got him back. He had a big hit on the giant Canadian that is Staal, and he was limping. He went down hard. Sure he stayed on the bench but it didn't look good. I am afraid to read the news tomorrow. It will suck for the Wings if he reinjured his knee....but it will be awful for him personally with the Olympics coming up.

Whew. I know that was a short one, but I'm not fully over the loss or the Crosby dick blowing that took place today to write more. I'll just end it with this, Jimmy Howard faced another 40 plus shots, and kept the Wings in the game.

Coyotes 5 Wings 4 OT

2010-01-26T20:14:00.003-07:00

Yes that really fucking just happened. Normally I would say that game was a kick to the balls, a paper cut on the scrotum, but I don't think that fully explains it. This game was more than just painful, the outcome was embarrassing. I equate it more to the feeling that I am sure the genius on my study abroad had when on the first night of the program, he got shit faced drunk, sang "God Bless the USA," in a french karaoke bar, took a few kicks to the balls himself and woke up hungover in a French jail. See painful and embarrassing.

I missed most of the first period thanks to a hefty dose of Phoenix traffic, but from what I hear the Wings played well. Datsyuk scored the first goal, and apparently Kronwall looked good.

The beginning of the second period was less than impressive. Zetterberg took his second tripping penalty of the game and the Wings looked out of place and sloppy.

Lebda and Ericsson were, well Lebda and Ericsson, with our giant friend essentially watching the Coyotes first power play goal. I am sending a search party to find the Ericsson of last season....Perhaps we can employee Andy from Fight Night at the Joe to head over to Sweden and see if he is hiding out there.

But if that weren't bad enough, Phoenix ends up taking the lead. Awful. Just awful. But in true form, the Wings fucked with our emotions. They teased us and toyed with us. Allowed us to hope. Because on the next play, Patrick Eaves, yes fucking Patrick Eaves, scored. The Draper, Helm, and Eaves line is like a shot of penicillin to a bad does of syphilis, just what this team needs.

With the game tied 2-2, I hear the Versus announcers inform us that Zetterberg has gone back to the dressing room. I assume they are mistaken, because well this is Versus and they just played their impressive theme song during a 2 on 1 rush. But no he really did. Terror struck, the stages of grief whipped by. One by one. I began questioning how the Wings could get one Swede back just to lose another. How this season is going through players faster than a college freshman goes through STDs. But luckily he came back. Perhaps I should send the Wings a bill for the ulcer I must be developing.

There has been a great deal of talk all season about Lidstroms lack of production. Personally it never concerned me. I honestly believe he was revamping and adjusting his game to deal with the injuries. He needed to play more conservatively and with his rotating partners, he needed to make sure he was always in position to get back. With Ericsson and now Kronwall in the line up, I think he can re transform his game once again. The two fantastic goals tonight were a giant shut the fuck up to any Lidstrom detractors. Oh and Mike Green, that is how a Norris winning, Olympian plays defense. Yes Defense.

While Lidstrom was having a great game, Stuart certainly was not. He was on the ice for everyone of the Coyotes 4 goals. Yes, I said four goals, because for the second game in a row, the Wings blew a 2 goal lead faster than a cheap prostitute behind a dumpster. Pathetic. With 21 seconds remaining they lost Jimmy his win.

And overtime wasn't much better with the Coyotes scoring and taking the 2 points Detroit needed so badly. Wow. If it were possible to fuck yourself in the ass, that is exactly what the Wings did tonight. The crowd was into it, they had a 2 goal lead, and yet with the bar closing at 2 am and their date sufficiently drunk, they still couldn't close the deal. They still couldn't bring her home. Next up Minnesota.

Back from the abyss

2010-01-22T09:20:00.004-07:00

Well considering that I haven't posted on this blog since Christmas, I would normally say I was on a break...but let's be honest, I was absent for nearly as long as Ville Leino's offensive game, which is really fucking long. And no, during my absence I can assure you I did not find where he is hiding his talent or where Bettman stashes his Crosby masturbation videos. I was instead super busy at work and moving into our first home, which for some reason left me without cable for a week and a half.

In fact, when I was finally able to begin watching the Wings, they went on that 3 game losing streak which ended last night. I began to secretly wonder if I was bringing some sort of bad mojo....

Anywho, just a few quick things that have already been discussed during my "break."

The Herm to Hockeytown event is heating up. If you haven't ordered your tickets yet...do it. It promises to be an awesome event. Finally just booked all of mine and looking forward to being back in Michigan in March.

For some reason, Brian and Chris decided to bring me back for another Red Wings podcast. (By the way, thanks again guys.) It was a great time with the very knowledgeable Andy from Fight Night at the Joe and the always entertaining and thought provoking Michael Petrella from The Production Line. I'll be honest, considering I hate listening to my own voicemail recording, I have avoided downloading any of my podcasts....that is unless I plan on auditioning for the next Alvin and the Chipmunks movie....

During my hiatus, we also learned a little something about Patrick Kane....evidently he likes to scream boom after he scores.....too many jokes there, but the cabby battering king of the mini douches probably likes to use this term during other moments of excitement. You know like when he stops the gas pump on an even dollar amount (his strong aversion to change is well documented), or when the dermatologist tells him his acne should really clear up once he finishes going through puberty, or the day he found Mike Greens self love website and decided to use it as a template for his own...you know the small victories in life people often take for granite. Seriously, what the fuck did you think I meant, take your head out of the gutter...This blog only contains pure and good thoughts. Yes I'm sarcastically shining my halo.

Anyway, speaking of everyones favorite Norris contender, how did I not see his website before. How did no one share it with me? Mike Green has his own personal masturbation website. What a fantastic idea. (Mike "the situation" from the Jersey Shore is kicking his own faux hawked ass right now for not thinking of that idea first). I mean seriously, tell me a guy with a mix of tattoos that contain, the quintessential tribal tattoo, references to faith, and little pretty flowers, did not create that site just for his own personal enjoyment. I mean seriously, too much to pick from for my first post back. I promise to revisit this in the future.

Someone put Ozzie's bra in the freezer again (Babcock we're looking at you) because he decided to throw a bitch fit to the media. I wish they would both keep this shit behind closed doors.

And finally to last nights game. I missed the first 2 periods and most of the 3rd because it decided to rain in Arizona. While the media was sensationalizing the impending storm, I laughed and remembered trekking through feet of snow on my way to class at MSU. But soon I realized that 5 inches of rain the desert can flood my backyard to the point where I needed to dig a drainage ditch. And by me, I mean I asked my husband. So mother nature fucked my hockey night, but I did get to see the shoot out....and yes, when Miller came up, my immediate thought was, this is what the season has fucking come to. And when he scored, I cheered, laughed, annoyed my mud soaked husband, and felt an uncontrollable need to sing the MSU fight song, chipmunk voice and all. Great to see the Wings win. Crossing my fingers and toes they can take that momentum into the game on Saturday.

A Very Merry Christmas Present

2009-12-25T22:15:00.003-07:00

Merry belated Christmas. I Hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday with their family and friends. And a special thank you for stumbling upon this random and often ridiculous blog. Posting has been light as I've been back in Michigan spending the holiday with my family. Ahhh yes I'm back in the motherland. And it was certainly an interesting flight with the usual delays and some creepy old man asking me if I wanted to sit on his lap and tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas....Oh Christmas at the airport....but aside from that a great time with family and friends.

And apparently the Wings have a little belated Christmas present for us as well. Oh yes. Filppula is scheduled to come back tomorrow. Fantastic. Detroit's own N'Sync looking, Sun-in worshiping, center will be back. Tomorrow you can see his golden locks flowing in the pregame warm-up. Finally, they get someone back. It feels weird just typing that.

I'll be at the game tomorrow hoping for a win against the BJs.

The Obstructed View, Episode 2

2009-12-22T20:17:00.002-07:00

Episode two of the Obstructed View is now up. This week it's the Chief from Able to Yzerman, George from Snapshots, and myself. Yes I'm well aware that luck of the draw put me with two of the best. I certainly tried my hardest not to sound like a complete idiot.....hopefully my mission was accomplished.

The NSFW podcast covered a wide range of topics including the Chicago game and 'creatively' finding any and every opportunity to use the word dick. Which was uncomfortable for me since I really hate swearing. If you have virgin ears as well you may have to ear muff it at times.

Definitely a fun experience and the first time that I realized my voice sounds like a prepubescent boy. Really hate to fucking listen to myself ramble on, but anyway check it out.

Hawks 3, Griffins 0

2009-12-20T20:29:00.003-07:00

Yeah, yeah, the Hawks beat a terribly depleted Red Wings team. Congratulations. Enjoy it. Celebrate it, when in reality they should be pissed the fuck off. Instead every Hawks fan should be wondering why they didn't beat the Griffins by 10 goals. Because all we keep hearing is what a powerhouse they are. How much better they are.

And yet with the Wings down 8 starters including their future captain, the only reason the Hawks even won by 3 is because regular season Ozzie was in net. Oh that's right. After last playoffs I promised I wouldn't doubt Osgood, but then he plays like that.

Check out D4L for my full game recap. I wrote it immediately following the game so it may have been a bit harsher than I had intended. In reality I'm mostly just angry with Ozzie and Leino.

Sigh. I'm counting down the days for the Wings to heal. Because when they do, after what they have been through, the fuckers in Chicago and everywhere else will have a pissed off, feisty, hard working Red Wing team to contend with. And I'm not sure anyone will be able to contain them.

Happy Friday Fuckers

2009-12-18T08:34:00.003-07:00

Apparently Zetterberg will be out a minimum of 2 weeks with a "slightly" separated shoulder.

Ohlund has now become the second most hated person in Sweden after the whore fucker Tiger Woods.

The hits keep coming. As I said last night, we are on 3 sets of 3, so it has to be coming to a close. And shut up, I didn't jinx anything because at this point it's just not possible.

On a side note, anyone who thinks Babcock is a sub par coach can suck a dick. The fact that they are even holding on to a playoff position speaks volumes of the players dedication and heart, Babcocks talent, and the fact that Holland is a fucking genius for holding strong on Jimmy, and picking up Miller and Eaves. I tip my hat (not a fedora) to you sir.

Hopefully someone in the media covering the Wings will pull their head out of their ass long enough to give us additional updates on Zetterbergate. You know like will the janitor or the concession stands employee be called up to center the 4th line.

No, No, That Did Not Just Happen

2009-12-17T21:14:00.002-07:00

I feel like screaming to the hockey gods, alright we get it. Alright the Wings and their fans have been tested, can you lay the fuck off. Enough. But I know it would be fruitless. Perhaps they drank the Koolaid that Gary's been passing out. Who knows.

All we know for sure is Zetterberg is injured and Ohlund is persona non grata in Sweden.

The hits just keep coming. They used to say in threes, but for the Wings, their at 9. So that's 3 sets of 3. Can we be done now?

Head over to D4L to see my full game recap.

Well that was entertaining

2009-12-16T17:30:00.005-07:00

I know that everyone and there mother (mine included) has already seen this, but I still feel it warrants posting.

Some man with a Kevin Federline rejected fedora and a sad excuse for a pinky ring decided to attack the Chief completely unprovoked. Not liking the response he received, he then decided to attack the city of Detroit, and the state of Michigan and all those affected by both the auto industry and the down turn of the economy. He seems to feel those working in a factory are simply beneath him and his high level of "intelligence." Perhaps it would be pertinent if he also realized that when the main industry upholding a state begins to collapse, others outside of those plants and that industry may also be affected. So in my opinion he can suck a Richard.

Anyway, the little man with the little pinky ring decided to throw his fedora in with the big boys and he didn't like the response. I equate the situation to the following. Witnessing the ugly girl with a slight mustache and breast envy making fun of the popular girl in school because, well, she's popular. The popular girl didn't do anything to her, never spoke to her, she simply has more friends and greater notoriety, and it chaps the little girls ass. So when the popular girl walks into the locker room, over hears the bitchiness and mindless rants of the mustached one, a battle ensues. And as always, the shit talker decides they don't like the heat and will pretend to be suddenly above it all.

Apparently this all started with Kevin Federline's desire to get credentials for all his fellow bloggers and in the process decided the Chief is the sole reason for this failure. While my opinion doesn't matter I'll share it anyway. There are a number of reasons that the NHL won't give many bloggers credentials, and it's certainly not because some people are biased fans who favor the word bitches. Myself personally, I would have no business walking into the locker room and attempting to whip up a story. None. My lack of training and lack of creativity would essentially turn out the same recap as if I just watched the game at home. Would most bloggers be able to dig deep and find the "real" story, I don't know. I imagine my conversation would go something like this:

Me: So (insert any Red Wing/Griffin player) what do you think of the whole Tiger Woods debacle? (Yes that is how deep I would probably go)

Red Wing/Griffin player: Well I think we played a tough game. We worked on making the simple plays and grinding hard in the corners, it just wasn't going in for us.

Me: No, No, that's not what I asked. We just found out that Tiger Woods is a dirty whore fucker despite the fact that he has a hot Swedish model wife, you're thoughts on what his next move should be?

Red Wing/Griffin player: We just need to keep playing our game. This is both an experienced team with strong veteran's and good energetic kids. Keep grinding hard and the wins will come

Me: Oh fuck it. I'm going to the bar.

Now I'm not saying that all bloggers would be as shallow or unqualified as myself. In the Wings blogosphere there are many who would probably get a fantastic story. The Chief for one, Tyler at the Triple Deke would probably discover something that would leave me embarrassed after wetting my pants, Matt at On the Wings, Animal Drew, and the list of Wings bloggers goes on. I'm sure they would do a fantastic job. But not bloggers across the league. The NHL is at fault for making a blanket policy but don't blame a different writing style or a different opinion on why Jim Bob can't get his credentials. If someone wants press credentials, put in the time and work and show you deserve them.

Stepping off soap box. At the very least, Kevin gave us an interesting day on the internet.

Karma can be a nasty bitch with a long memory

2009-12-15T06:58:00.002-07:00

Or in Shane Doan's case, a short memory.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, I can't decide at this point, I missed most of the first period. I walked in with about 4 minutes left and was shocked to see the score at 2-1, Wings. I rejoiced. I laughed, I smiled, and I frantically tried to get my laptop to cooperate in order to see just who scored, Bertuzzi? Zetterberg? Datsyuk? Draper?

Oh no my friends, imagine my shock when I looked at the box score and saw that Newbury scored the Wings first goal. That tattooed fucker was making a splash just when the Wings needed it most. And the second goal was less surprising, but still another role player, Patrick Eaves. Normally I wouldn't mention this out of fear or a gypsy jinx, but at this point perhaps jinxing the Wings will actually counteract the black magic that is currently taking place. You know a double negative. So here we go, Patrick Eaves seems to be another cast aside reclamation project for the Wings. The guy wasn't even supposed to be playing and look at the impact his energy alone brings, fantastic.

So while basking in the 2-1 lead with the first period coming to an end, I go to the A2Y live blog and see the news that makes me feel as though someone smacked me in the face with a giant dildo. Ericsson is out with a knee injury. Mother fucker. Are you fucking kidding me? Past injuries caused me to experience the typical stages of grief. Oh believe me I begged and bartered with baby Jesus. But this time. Numbness. Nothing. I expected it, just as I expect to see Leino and Lebda play like two eunuchs. Apparently I'm hearing its a sprain and he'll be out a couple of weeks. I'm reserved. Kindle will perhaps be brought up.

The injury was a result of a knee to knee collision with Shane Doan. Not a dirty play, but what was whorish was the laughter apparently Shane had immediately following Ericsson's injury. I always Knew he was a bitch. Living in Phoenix I have seen my fair share of Coyotes games (yes you can pity me later) and I have never understood why people think Doan is such a fantastic player. The term Overrated was created for players just like him. And for fucks sake, he has the most obnoxious fan cheer ever. Say it with me in a deep creepy voice saved for serial killers and Todd Bertuzzi, DOOOOOOOOOAN. Yep. Constantly. At every game. Probably even if he weren't playing. Coyote fans are smart like that. So when he took a random puck to the face soon after his ass whole behavior. I smiled. I giggled. I relished in his pain. Baby Jesus, Santa, and the Easter Bunny all got together to give us a small gift. To let us know they understand that the hockey gods and the Tooth Fairy (I'm convinced that bitch is against us too) are being unjust.

Anyway, below are the defensemen left:

Lidstrom
Rafalski
Stuart
Lebda
Meech
Kindle

In some ways it's easier to list the players still here than it is to remember all of the injuries.

Because look at the fucked up injury list below:

Lilja
Franzen
Filppula
Williams
Kronwall
Cleary
Helm
Ericsson

Previously
Eaves
Rafalski

Holy shit is right. My attention span isn't even long enough to type all of those names.

Sigh. Below are some short random thoughts about the game:

The Wings three goal scorers were Newbury, Eaves, and Meech. And the fact that I was not surprised at all that our top players didn't score, made me a little sad, and yet proud that the Wings can still get it done.
Apparently Matt Stafford likes hockey and showed up to the game. I'm pretty sure no one in attendance knew who the hell he was
Did Leino play in the first two periods? Honestly? The only reason I know he was present in the third was because Babcock had him out in the last minute which I can only assume was to build his confidence. Too bad Leino failed to control the puck multiple times giving the Coyotes even more opportunities
At some point late in the second, a Wing (or a Griffin) went down kinda sorta hard at center ice. Normally, I would not have given it a second thought. This season, I cringed.
Maltby had some good opportunities. Played a solid energy game.
The beginning of the first (so I hear) the second, and the third, the Wings controlled the tempo, had good energy and fought hard against the boards. At the end of each period they seemed to sit back hoping to hold onto the lead. Painful to watch yet still a good effort overall.
The Bertuzzi, Datsyuk, and Homer line looked very good
Where the hell did this Red Wings PK came from? Is it the same place the PP is hiding?
Howard had another great game which earned him the start on Thursday

Overall a solid game by a depleted Wings team. They fought hard, had good energy, and were able to grind out a win. 3 in a row now, and the first in three games without a Bertuzzi goal.

Just a weird, weird season. But you have to admire their drive and effort. What other team could do this?

Oh for Fucks Sake

2009-12-14T10:51:00.002-07:00

Let's see if I can remember all the names. I'm asking someone out there with a little creativity if they can come up with a song or a riddle so we can keep track of everyone. We certainly don't want to leave anyone out. Because in all honesty, there have been a large number of injuries across the league this year, but has any other team sustained the long term injuries to top players like the Wings have?

Lilja
Franzen
Filppula
Williams
Kronwall
Cleary
DARREN HELM

That's right, apparently HELM of all fucking people is out with a wrist injury. And while injury is now my least favorite word, the Helm debacle is accompanied with my second least favorite word, indefinitely.

Wonderful. As if Monday morning isn't reason enough to snap and bitch at people. I can assure you this bit of news will only make my sun shinny personality that much brighter.

Apparently Newbury is being called up. I'll be honest, since most of the Grand Rapids roster is with the Wings this year, I haven't followed the Griffins much. According to Matt at OTW he has tattoos and 19 points. All I know, there is no way in Hell he's faster than Helm, and that makes me feel deflated. When does this shit end? Oh and in case you were concerned, Lebda, still 100%. Yes it works like that. Fuck.

Well of course

2009-12-14T07:03:00.004-07:00

Of course freakin Todd Bertuzzi decides he does in fact remember how to play hockey and has two clutch games on the one weekend where I am unable to watch either. I feel like I missed out and was left out of so much. Similar to missing the first time your grandma called someone a fucking cunt while participating in some serious road rage. You heard it happened, people you trust said it's true, but something just feels weird and dirty about it.

Todd Bertuzzi, 4 goals, in two games, including his two OT game winners?? With the way this weekend turned out, next I'll hear that Brett Lebda isn't a total waste of roster space and Meech scores 3 unassisted goals in one game...curly fries for everyone.

Anyway, it seems as though (knock on wood, rub a lucky rabbits foot) the Wings made it through the weekend with 4 points and no serious injuries. Sure there was a puck to the face, some stitches, but aside from them, it was a Gary nightmare.

Congrats to the Wings on what sounded like a fantastic effort. Tonight they play the Coyotes. A Team that used to make me giggle and the only entertaining factor was trying to guess how many times The Great Ones head would explode like a teenagers raging backne. However, apparently now they're all competitive and shit at the top of the Western Conference. And despite the fact that this next sentence is as weird to write as two Todd Bertuzzi game winners, this will be a good challenge for the Wings. If work permits, hoping to have a pregame some time this afternoon.

Until then, enjoy The Obstructed View. Ahhh yes that's right, Chris Hollis from Motown Wings and Brian Kiernicki are the talented masterminds behind this new weekly Red Wings podcast. Thank them. Repeatedly. As someone who struggles with the 'intricacy's' of the blogger website I can't imagine the time and effort that went into this. Thanks guys.

Each week will be a different set of Wings bloggers. First up is Michael Patrella from The Production Line, Kris from Snipe Snipe Dangle Dangle, and Casey from Winging it in Motown.

Next week is myself, The Chief, and George. Yes it's true, I was scheduled to go next week in order to bring the intelligence and analytical level down by at least 30 percent. I'll try my best not to come off as even more of a jackass.

Anyway, enjoy the podcast and I hope to be back with more this afternoon.

What The Fuck

2009-12-10T10:16:00.002-07:00

Dan Cleary out 4 weeks with a separated shoulder.

Feel like crawling in a whole and telling the world to just fuck off??

Well Leino is back in the lineup despite still deserving to sit on the bench. I'm sure he's all fired up and ready to bring his own special brand of suck back for at least 4 weeks....

I'm too bitchy and shouldn't even be posting at this point.

Hey Tatar is doing well with the Griffins....bring him up. My sister who watches a large number of Griffins games, claims he's been consistent all season. There is no way he could be worse....right?

I'm sure it's a joke

2009-12-10T07:06:00.002-07:00

Alright haha....last night, this season, the injuries, one big fucking joke right? At any moment the essence of douchness, Ashton Kutcher will jump out from behind a snow mound, and let all of us know we've been punked. Sure it will probably be a big joke and a stubby middle finger to the Wings and their fans from Gary, but I'd gladly take that, because if that's not the case, I've run out of things to say.

Posting has been non existent lately thanks to both work and life deciding to simultaneously kick my ass...yes it's delightful. But hopefully things will begin settling down now, and I will be back to regular posting.

In my opinion, last night can be summed up with one thought, Howard played well, fucking Conk block played better, and the rest of the Wings were about as motivated as a jilted housewife. Wonderful. Not a horrible effort but certainly an uninspired one. And to think, I had hopes of them fully clinching the 8th seed of the Western Conference. Damn you cruel cruel world, have you no mercy?

Oh I had thoughts about the game. Quite a few. But their lackluster performance and the Dan Clearly clusterfuck only inspired me enough to note the following:

The Blues are in fact as intelligent as they look. They may even be giving Colin Campbell as serious run for a Mensa spot. Somehow last night they forgot they were supposed to wear white on the rode. (and on a side note I still don't fucking understand why they took white away from the home team. I think Gary just likes to poke and fuck something because he can...you know like the crazy little kid down the road that burns ants with the sun and a magnifying glass) So after the pregame skate the Wings had 10 minutes to fully dress in the white uniforms. Seems kinda shitty. Mick was particularly disappointed as he personally felt blue and red looked pretty together....very sweet
Who the fuck is in charge of the PP...is it the same person who was previously running the the PK. We need names to send the angry mob after.
Mick was in fine form tonight. I'm pretty sure between the officiating, the injuries, and the overall potential for a clusterfucky (yes thats a word) season he is going to shit his pants at some point. Part of Daniels job description should be strapping a diaper on Mick and having some sort of sedative immediately handy...In all honesty that should be a requirement for all Wings fans.
I like Eaves on the PK
With Kronwall out (tears of sadness still falling) Stuart has stepped up his fantastic play even more this season. He seems to work really well with Howard and anticipate exactly where Jimmy is going to aim his rebounds. So when he took a shot off his foot, I cringed and vomited.
It's no secret I was a huge Conklin fan last year. Talented, yet cheap. But all season he seemed reserved and quite. Last night not so much. He was certainly giving it to Bertuzzi all night...and how did Bert answer, he continuously missed the net. He really is a bitch and I hate him.
Speaking of Conklin, while shooting the puck around the net, he high sticked May. Despite May bleeding everywhere, there was no penalty. The ref claimed it was because he was in the process of firing the puck. Ashton you bastard you're fucking with me again aren't you? Since when is that the rule? When? You always have to have control of your stick...well if you play for the Wings you do. Anyway, Murph in a typical drunken stupor decided to attempted to share the refs explanation with Ken and Mick. They were having none of it and engaged into some sort of school girl no, yes, no, yes fight. While a passed out Murph was being escorted home for the night, I hope someone checked around to make sure Mickey wasn't hiding somewhere in the hopes of administering some 'old school' punishment....don't shoot the messanger.
Ericsson, where the fuck did the kid from last year go? The 6'5'' beast that sent terror through other teams....has now become a 4'8'' little boy afraid of his own shadow. I blame Lebda. Lebda did this to him. Hell Lebda's own dog feels inadequate just from living with that fucker. Although in Ericssons defense he did make a nice centering pass in front of his OWN net during the Blues power play. Golf claps and finger snaps.
Desperation kicked in at one point, well that or Ken and Mickey got ahold of Murphy's moonshine flask, and they decided the Wings new strategy for the night should be to make Conklin change out his stick because it had blue tape instead of the required white tape.....yes they even looked up the rule to confirm. It was one of those nights.
Wings got on their collective knees and blew a 5 on 3. Congrats, not everyone can do that.
Abby's line had some good scoring chances.
Lidstrom hit the post...Twice.

But the real news of the night, Dan Cleary sustained an upper body injury (looked like his head to me) thanks to Jackman nearly blind siding him. Wonderful. According to the Chief's post, Holland believes he will be out for some time. Now I'll do a recap of the injuries, just because this gets confusing. Lilja, Franzen, Filppula, Williams, Kronwall, and now Cleary. Throw in Rafalski and Eaves and yeah. Fuck me. I guess Leino will be back in the line up. Sure both Cleary and Leino haven't been producing to the level their talent warrants, but at least Cleary creates opportunities for his linemates. At least he goes hard into the corners. And he doesn't look like a crazed serial killer ready to eat puppies and babies....so my dog is less at ease when Leino is on the ice. Interesting 2 fucking crazy looking bastards on one team and they both play like its the ice capades....