Friday, July 16, 2010

You Must Be 3 and Up to Play With Your Poop

In my last post I mentioned both Todd Bertuzzi's salary as well as Brett Lebda's horribly inflated new pay check. Rob, in the comments section pointed out that if Lebda is making 1.45 million then you have to pay Bertuzzi 1.5. Whether this point was in jest or not, its worth looking into because let's be honest, what else can we possibly discuss. So thank you Rob.

Bertuzzi was signed to 1.5 before anyone even considered paying Lebda with anything more than a Big Mac and industrial sized toe nail clippers. In fact, prior to his signing I was absolutely convinced that anyone willing to sign him for more than 850,000 also probably thought Poopy Time Fun Shapes would be the next big thing.

But then Burke went and overpaid for what the Wings deemed an unnecessary spare part. An inconsistent, defensive liability, coming off a down year, in Toronto is apparently worth 1.45. But in this new cap world, overpaying one player can substantially increase the value of another. For better or worse it's a reasonable point.

In all honesty, 1.5 million for Bertuzzi actually isn't a horrible price. I was hoping for 1.2, but obviously Holland and the rest of the Wings brain trust know exactly what they're doing. I'm just not a fan of Bertuzzi. I'm not a fan of his often inconsistent play and inconsistent effort. And I'm sure as hell sick of him haunting my dreams at night threatening to rape my dog. So on that note, let's take a peek at all the other things we could get for 1.5 million dollars.

1,376,146 McDonald's Double Cheeseburgers (from the dollar menu accounting for the lovely new 9% tax in AZ)

88,495 Chia Pets (Not including shipping and handling)

21,739 Billy The Big Mouth Bass (It's a sad state of affairs when a talking, wall mounted Bass, still costs $69 after all these years on the market)

75,000 Clappers (Not to be confused with the clap)

78,947 Thigh Masters (Suzanne Summers not included)

21,739 Rejuvenique Masks (I honestly have no idea what the fuck that is. I can't listen to the sound at work, but something just seems so wrong)

100,000 Snuggies (Not to be confused with 100,000 Jersey Shore Snookies. We could probably get double the amount of Snookies)

Anyone willing to take one of the above options over Detroit's own unibomber? For fucks sake this off season has been long, slow, and increasingly painful. Mike Modano needs to make a fucking decision so I have something else to write about. Things are slow when Poopy Time Fun Shapes, Snookie, and Rejuvenique are mentioned in the same post.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Holy Shit It's Already July

Where the hell has the summer gone? I turn around and it's July 15th, it's 115 degrees outside, and we've been without hockey since May. I think I nearly forgot I had a blog until my slightly crazed and eccentric coworker asked our manager if she "has a bee in her bonnet." For some very odd reason, that triggered my memory. Don't ask the mind is a mysterious thing and in any event, this encouraged me to try my best to remember my blogger password and sign back on. I then realized my last post was from May 25th and was about Yzerman leaving the Wings....yeah it's been awhile.

But work has slowed down and life is beginning to return to normal, so I figured I'd give this whole blogging thing a go, once again.

During my prolong absence a lot has happened. Good, bad, strange, and in between. Below is my out of order, and as always, random recap of Red Wings news over the last month and a half. Feel free to fill in anything I've missed.

  • Lidstrom signs a one year contract with the Wings. Apparently the reverse psychology I pulled on the universe and the hockey gods by repeatedly claiming he wasn't coming back, has worked. That or the daily pleading and begging. Either way, after Yzerman leaving it was good to have Lidstrom return.
  • Jimmy of course did not win the Calder Trophy. This was either a direct result of pure ageism by the media, or their utter distance for man boobs. Either way, we did learn that Mark Wahlberg is completely devoid of humor both sober and drunk.
  • Patrick Kane looks like an undersized frat boy with or without the vanullet (mullet/vanilla ice hair do)
  • Kirk Maltby is close to a one year deal. He is not close to a one year deal. Kovalchuck is in talks with the Wings, he is not in talk with the Wings. It's like a fucking high school cafeteria on twitter right now. The rumors have been in full force this year.
  • Toronto signs Lebda to a 1.5 million dollar contract AFTER the KHL passes up on him for being too expensive. I've now decided to throw my 6 pound runt of a dog into the free agent mix. If Lebda went for 1.5, I'm sure she could pull in a cool million.
  • We also learned that Gary makes over 7 million a year. The question remains, which GM helped structure that contract? Burke or Tallon or some evil combination of both? They seem to enjoy overpaying for undersized, under performing pompous ass holes.
  • Filppula's brother signed with the Wings. Women and men everywhere are now confused on which golden Finn to root for.
  • Mike Modano may sign with the Wings. And aside from the Internet arguments taking place around this subject, we have learned he may not come to Detroit because of his wife's career. Apparently he's married to Willa Ford. If she were to come to Michigan with him, how would the world survive without more shitastic music like "I Wanna Be Bad?"
  • Bob Probert passed away. I'm still in shock.
  • Bertuzzi, Eaves, Miller and Meech are all signed. Apparently Bertuzzi is worth 1.5 million....yet another sign for those keeping count that the world may in fact be coming to an end.
  • The cap has officially dick slapped Chicago. And I'm enjoying every single minute.
  • There was a "Cooking with Kirk Maltby" extravaganza at Meijer. I miss Meijer. Not many places in Arizona where you can buy bulk gummy candy, lighter fluid, steering wheels, and boxed wine all in one place

What a strange and slightly fucked up off season it's been. But at least we're not forced to grab our ankles and bend over ala Chicago style. We can take solace in that. Hopefully I'll be back to posting semi regularly. And hopefully the Modano nonsense is resolved and Helm and Abby are signed. Not much longer and hockey will be back.