Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Team America, Puppet Sex, Corey Perry is a douche

I had no idea how to title this post, or really what to write about which is why I'm about two days late and a million analogies behind everyone else when it comes to the USA pissing all over Canada's dreams Sunday night.

What a fantastic game. For some reason, after the end of the second period, the Team America World Police theme song kept playing in my head over and over again, followed by fucked up visions of the marionette puppet sex scene and all the questions that come along with the logistics of such a scene.

Top that lovely moment with Corey Perry getting ass raped on the open net goal and it was a glorious night. My parents missed the game as they were taking a late flight back to Michigan from sunny Arizona. However, first things first, when they landed and called to see who won the game, you could hear cheers erupt throughout the plane. For fucks sake I love Michigan.

And apparently Michigan loves hockey. I forgot the number, but something like 12 players on Team USA have ties to Michigan. Particularly Brian Rafalski. Can anyone tell me where he came from? 4 goals in the tournament and dare I say strong defensive play. He's rejuvenated. You know what, I think the Olympics and a little Canadian dream molesting certainly seems to do a Rafalski good.

Oh and as the final verse of Team America Fuck Yeah played in my head, the Michigan State Fight song soon picked up in honor of none other than Ryan Miller. Under normal circumstances the guy scares the shit out of me. Not just because he's fantastic in net, but he has that, I didn't fart look about him. Something seems off, but wow. It's been great watching him play on a regular basis. Amazing performance. And another reason I have dreams of punching Gary in the nuts, so many great East Coast players I hardly get to see.

Speaking of other teams, (and please ignore the fact that this post is all over the place. I am still laughing at Crosby missing the penalty shot in the game tonight.) how weird is it to root for the success of Patrick Kane and Bobby Ryan? It's like trying to tell your body not to throw up when you have the flu. It's tough. I'm one of the rare people who likes seeing the NHL players in the Olympics, purely for my own entertainment, but it will be nice to get back to hating Patrick Kane. It's like everything in the world will fall back into place.

Anyway, let's take a quick look at some of the other Wings in the Olympics:

Pavel Datsyuk: Having a really good strong tournament. His usual Dangle Dangle self. He's been particularly great defensively. He seems to be having fun.

Henrik Zetterberg: eh? He's playing well. Nothing overtly special. (and yes I know saying that is like kicking a sleeping puppy.) I was hoping this would maybe give a boost of energy. Still time I suppose.

Niklas Kronwall: He seems to still be working through the knee injury. Certainly playing well, some big hits, but still getting his timing back. That's fine, work it out now, just please don't twe.....yeah I'll stop.

Johan Franzen: Yep he looks good. Of course the Swedish Mule comes back a mere 3 months after ACL surgery. If he weren't one of my favorite players (aka a Red Wing) I'd certainly be calling him some sort of freak.

Niklas Lidstrom: The Perfect Human nickname has stuck for a reason.

Valterri Filppula: I'll be honest. I haven't watched Finland much. He looked pretty good when they played Sweden, but I only saw a period and a half before finally giving in to sleep.

Brian Rafalski: Please tell me that when you think of Rafalski and Team America, creepy marionette puppets at least begin to pop into your mind. Anyway, fantastic tournament, tied for second in scoring. Please, please bring that back to Detroit.

Mike Babcock: Apparently goalie controversies are following him this year. You know Ozzie is laughing while still working on unbunching his panties....Canada, well the country is beginning to assemble their angry mob, just in case.

Tomorrow USA vs Switzerland (aka Jonas Hiller)

Friday, February 12, 2010

Wings 2, Sharks 3 (SO)

Well the Wings didn't win, they didn't sweep the sharks, but it was a better game, and they did come out of it all with a point. So that's something. Enough, what they needed, no. But at least they didn't play like a bunch for 2 year olds who haven't napped for the day. So yeah, an improvement.

In some ways it was a little deja vu of last year. The Wings had 40 plus shots, the other teams goaltender pulled his pants down and said I'm bigger than you are, and despite long periods of domination, the Wings still lost. Painful yes, but much better than the alternative we've witnessed the rest of this season.

Below are my random thoughts about the game, or other nonsense. It's early, I can't promise anything.

  • While watching Franzen's "pre game interview," I became concerned he had shaved the gigolo mustache fans across North America have become so very fond of. But alas, during the game it reappeared. Since he is Johan Franzen, I'm pretty sure he can grow facial hair on demand. But what's sad, I've taken the time to note this. Never since Apolo Ohno's facial landing strip have I been so convinced a mans hair can affect his game.
  • Ok moving on, Ryan Clowe is an ass licker. But I didn't have to tell you that. Filppula took a nice elbow to the head. Clowe obviously argued the penalty because come on, it was quite clear Filppula's face injured his elbow. Blondie should have been given two for either interference of for roughing up Clowe's money maker, he is a natural beauty.
  • The Wings looked good through the first. The defense was finally making some decent outlet passes, and the forwards were quick through the neutral zone. It was weird.
  • Brett Lebda has been receiving a great deal of flak, some believe rightfully so, others not so much. Well either way, last night the linesmen felt a little bad for Brett, so he hoped on his lap for a little mid game dance. Everyone kept their pants on.
  • Howard had some unbelievable saves, once again. I'm still working on eating all the shit I spewed about him earlier this season....
  • When Homers gone, you really do forget how much that bastard does for the team. After getting stripped searched and a full rectal exam in front of the net, Homer finally drew a penalty. That man certainly works for his money more than a male "escort" working the night shift in Vegas. Meech missed an open net on the delayed penalty. I think it was a delayed tribute to poor Sammy who is still untwisting his bunched up panties over the Olympic "snub."
  • But on that PP, Franzen scores top shelf. Awesome. Beautiful wrister. Nothing more to say but, we missed you Johan Franzen.
  • Well the celebration was short lived as the Sharks scored seconds later.
  • A little out of sequence here, but did I mention yet that Tomas Holmstrom negated an icing? No really, Helm didn't get confused and accidentally put on Homer's sweater. Wouldn't you feel like such an ass if you were the Shark beaten by Homer coming back after missing time due to a bruised knee? Either way, I now feel bad that during the last TOV podcast I compared his skating to that of a drunken monkey...
  • San Jose took the lead late in the first. Really fucking late actually with about 10 seconds left. Ericsson forgot he was playing defense, or really playing hockey at all, and left his man wide open. I've got nothing. He's done it too often this year to even talk about it again.
  • A some point Mickey (I really have missed Ken and Mick during the road trip) noted that Clowe (yes that ass licker again) tried to "make Homer a soprano." Awesome line, and yet it's all very confusing to me. Why do guys, well some guys like Clowe and Crosby, enjoy hitting other guys in the nuts? I don't get it? I played sports growing up and never chose to hit another girl in the boob...seems weird. Anyway Clowe is still a douche.
  • Usually during the FSD broadcasts, Mickey and a drunk Murph are the ones to bring the laughs while Ken Daniels just attemps to make sure everyone gets through the broadcast safely. But last night, he did have the line of the game. During the third period, Jody Shelley (yes he has two girl names) hit the crossbar, cue Ken "Good thing that was Shelley....no offense." Oh I'm sure none would be taken.
  • Is it just me or does Filppula seem so much stronger this season both along the boards and on the puck. It's not as though he was every weak in this area, he just has improved so much.
  • Jason Williams ends up tying the game. However it was reviewed. Well obviously.
  • Ericsson (at an inopportune time) decides to fight Clowe. He got a nice first shot it. But the rest of the fight was a bit unimpressive. Despite his poor play as of late, I would like Holland to issue a proclamation (he's Ken Holland, he does have that kind of power) that no more Swedes are to fight. Ever. And under the signed document would be a giant picture of Lilja.
  • After that there is a little overtime, a little Wings PP during overtime, a shoot out that consists of Dangle, Williams, and Bert...and the Wings lose. I hate the shoot out for so many reasons.

Last night Ken Daniels also insightfully informed us that Ken Holland would be making a roster move today. In other breaking news, Larry Murphy puked after the game and Johan Franzen's teeth are revolting against his mouth.

A much better effort from the Wings last night. But they need more than just the effort, they need 2 points from at least SOME of their games. I suppose it is a step in the right direction.

I wonder what the turn around can be attributed to. Perhaps player leadership? I still don't buy the Babcock scenario. Is he a players coach? Fuck no. Was Scotty Bowman? Yeah he was about as much of a players coach as I am a delicate flower. It's time for the leaders in the dressing room to push their team, and perhaps last night, that's what happened.

Hopefully the momentum carries over into tomorrows game.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I've got 4 reasons to be a homer....

And no I don't mean a Tomas Holmstrom. Turning into a slightly angry Swede who resembles a rabid chipmunk especially when dreaming on a nightly basis of punching both Scotty Bowman and Mike Babcock in the balls it a bit too ambitious of a task for a Wednesday morning. What I mean is a Red Wings homer. A fan who plays pin the tail on the Gary donkey at birthday parties even if it makes the other, non hockey fan adults, question your sanity and remind their kids not to talk to strangers. Apparently last night Darren McCarty said something along these lines. Anyway I think he did. I turned the game off immediately, I couldn't bare to watch the "analysis" but everyones twitters were twatting this...so in some context something was said. And if not, well it still applies. I have about 24 years worth of reasons to be a Wings fan. Since I can remember, my ENTIRE family grew up watching the team. When my parents would go to the games and my poor, poor grandparents were left to watch me, they would sit my little 3 year old hyperactive ass down in front of the game and tell me to see if I can find my parents in the crowd....or maybe there will be a fight...either way, I turned into some crazed fan. A passionate, life long Wings fan.

But with that said, the passion for the Wings seems to have completely dissipated. They were slow, lethargic, and had I not known better, I would have assumed they had played the night before, not St. Louis. Quite frankly, they are damn lucky to walk away with a point. Jimmy deserves a round of drinks and whatever else makes that goofy little bastard happy because he kept them in the game. It easily could have been 6-0, 7-0, or worse. Yes I said zero because the goals the Wings received were flukes, lucky. And good luck hasn't been something they've run into a lot this year. Personally, I think the hockey gods felt bad. They only meant to fuck with the Wings. You know, the old bra in the freezer trick. But instead they broke them. They took their dreams and rubbed their grubby little hands all over.

Below are a few random and quick thoughts about the game:

  • First and foremost, the Mule looked good in his return. Both on the ice and off. He threw a good hit in the first, made some plays (for fucks sake he was the only person taking the puck off the boards and driving through the slot in the middle), and had some solid scoring opportunities. He kept up with play (although at the pace the rest of his teammates was playing there was no way he couldn't keep up). But the highlight would be his newly developed mustache. The only way it could have been better was if it had handle bars. Pure awesomeness. I'm convinced that after his ACL surgery he repeatedly watched Boogie Nights and now fancies himself some sort of American gigolo. Either way, great to have him back.
  • Bertuzzi somehow took a penalty in the first 2 minutes. Fuck you Bert.
  • Johnny Ericsson had a better night. He cleared some rebounds in front of his own net and had an assist on the Draper clusterfuck of a goal. Seriously, how the hell did that go in?
  • According to the Versus announcers, young James is a pitchback. Do they think before they speak, and why do I have the humor of an 11 year old boy.
  • On the Draper goal, Helm apparently was a little quick out of the gate and according to the 10 minutes dedicated to the subject by Versus, he cheated. Draper has taught the young grasshopper well.
  • The Wings were awful the first two periods. Painful to watch. So Versus cut to Datsyuk on the bench dangling his boogers. Nice double snot rocket. Guess he didn't feel like a little dangle dangle on the ice during the first 2 , but boogers, well that he felt like.
  • Howard faced 20 shots in the first. At this point, that probably bored him.
  • On the Wings first pp in the first period, they didn't have a shot on goal...just a fun little fact...
  • It was only a matter of time that the lack of defensive effort came and bit the Wings in their collectively slow ass. 3-1 Blues was hard to see, but the only surprising part, it wasn't worse...
  • Now obviously I'm not a professional athlete, so this next point will probably not be popular. There has been a great deal of talk regarding the teams motivation and how that is probably Babcocks fault. I disagree. These guys are PROFESSIONAL athletes. Sure they don't make as much money as basketball or football players but they still make obscene amounts of cash compared to the average person. Plus they have a job, where they get to play a game they love. Often a childhood dream achieved. And if that's not enough, wouldn't performing your fucking job be all the motivation you need? They aren't peewee players, or even college or junior players. They are in the NHL. Motivation may not be able to be maintained for 82 games a year. Let's face it, no one has their A game on everyday at work. But this seems unacceptable....Alright, stepping off soap box...
  • Somehow the Wings fought back with a little bit of help from lady luck and tied the game up to earn a point in overtime. A point we're happy to take but they didn't deserve.
  • Datsyuk showed up for the latter part of the game. Would have been great to have him for 3 whole periods.
  • I don't know about you, but I would be ok not seeing Zetterberg in any more shootouts. That was painful.

Next game is Thursday. Who honestly knows what team we will see on the ice. There is no way of telling. Either way it's time for the leaders in the dressing room to step up and demand more from themselves and from their team. The talent level is there, the time to make the playoffs is still there....now the players just need to jump on board.

What we do know for sure, Uncle Mike says young James is starting. I'd be interested to know the last Wings goaltender that faced this many shots per game. Just imagine what his save percentage would be with a little solid defense in front of him.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A little podcast with your morning Depends?

So I had every intention of posting a recap of the Wings game against the Kings, but when I drug my tired ass out of bed Sunday morning and forced myself to watch, well watch whatever the fuck that was, I just didn't have the motivation to do it. 3 Wings goals in the first, 3 Kings goals in the second, and 3 Red Wing injuries, well quite frankly the number three can go and fuck itself.

Anyway, after inflicting a little unnecessary torture upon myself, it was time to record another episode of The Obstructed View. Seriously, I'm a little nervous to even entertain the idea of listening to this one....There is a distinct possibility that after my random and possibly incoherent ramblings, Chris may be forced to remove me from future podcasts. But in all seriousness, it was an awesome podcast and a ton of fun. This weeks show consisted of Kris from Snipe Snipe Dangle Dangle with her ever subtle humor and interesting perspective, Rob from The Production Line with his hilarious anecdotes and accurate analysis, and the always popular Chris and Brian. It was a great show. Be sure to check it out. You'll discover what a curling gaggle of drunken Murphs really is, the intricacies of facial landing strips, and possibly an explanation for the Wings struggles....

Tonight the Wings take on the 13th place Blues. And I'm petrified. Quite frankly this is the time when I'm irritate by the social stigma adult diapers would bring a 24 year old. But anyway, the Wings are 1 and 3 against the Blues. Exactly the kind of game that brings fear and irrational superstitions to light.

Speaking of which, the man who still causes Patrick Kane to wet his superman sheets is back in the line up. And in honor of his return, I will FINALLY have the opportunity to wear my "Feed the Mule" t-shirt. I don't have the statistics handy, but in the past this shirt has brought a little luck to our deserving team.

And they will need it. Homer is a game time decision or something, anyway, he's out. Eaves is out, Kronwall is out, but at least Miller is in.

Oh and the third defensive pairing, Lebda and Meech, strap on those depends boys and girls, the puck drops at 8.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Holy Goalie Batman...

Alright we get it. Any team with Getzlaf and Perry can only sanely be classified as a collection of shit licking douchbags. But do their television announcers have to be so fucking annoying as well? Seriously, during the course of that slow motion murder of dreams, us poor bastards forced to endure the Duck's feed, were treated to the gems "holy goalie Batman" and "coast to coast like butter toast" and something about Datsyuk riming the puck or stick, something. I don't know. Even for a late night broadcast, it was inappropriate. But seriously, I'm not 5 (although clearly they believe their core audience has the combined mentality of a 5 year old) and I sure as hell don't appreciate watching a hockey broadcast with a script modeled after a Dr. Seuss book. For fucks sake, give me an incoherent drunken Murph any day. If that weren't bad enough I'm pretty sure the creepy little guy on the left hand side of the screen was attempting to eye fuck us all night long. I woke up feeling used and dirty this morning...we didn't even get a free drink out of it. Bastard. Where are his manners?

Sigh, anyway, sure the broadcast sucked, but I'm really just full of the bitchies this morning for a couple of reasons.

1. The Wings played with the intensity and speed of a drunken and stoned donkey
2. Gary Bettman and his circus of ass clowns

I took notes and points I wanted to make about last nights game. Oh I did. More than a few about the absurdity of Ericsson having to fight to defend himself after a good clean hit. About how I'm not ashamed that I woke up from a night terror out of fear that this morning we would find out another big Swede hurt himself due to a poorly timed fight. I had a whole section about how much I still can't stand Williams and was going to rationally, but probably irrationally suggest the Wings dump his 1.5 million dollar salary. Fuck his right handed shot on the PP.

But instead I'm too irritated to go into details. I'm confused by how the Wings could play so well and with such poise against the top league in the conference, but drop into the fetal position and forfeit a win to Getzlaf and his band of pretty pussys. I don't get it. The emotion as Babcock would say was missing.

But more than anything, I'm confused by how the Gary and his joke of a league can have more goals this season against the Wings alone, than Leino has against 29 other teams? It's pathetic. Please, someone, I am too lazy and pissed to figure this out, but how many goal controversies has there been this season alone? The fact that I cannot name them off the top of my head means there are far too many. Sure, the Wings still lost the game, but a 2-1 game sets a completely different tone than a 3-1 game. George over at Snapshots has a much better write up with video. Perhaps I should create a chart plotting the dates and games the league butt fucked the Wings. I'll even use little pictures of asses....I'll put the effort in.

Sigh, It's time for me to step away from the computer now. All I can say is, Gary suck on a herpes infected dick. Time to readjust and re-enforce my tin foil hat.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Holy Hell That Was a Hockey Game

Ignoring the first period near ass raping, and as the saying goes, close only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades, and anal cavities, the Wings played some fantastic hockey.

I'm racking my short term memory (possibly forever damaged by this season) to remember a time when the Wings played such a complete, game. The PK looked strong, the PP emerged from it's hiding place (conveniently located under Murph's secret stash of bulk size Kirklands vodka), the flying circus was posed and in control. Dare I say that despite the first two softie goals, the Wings took that game by the balls.

Work is kicking my booty today, so this will be short. Below are a few random thoughts about the game:

  • Being on the West Coast, I'm forced to watch the majority of the games on Center Ice. So when I am blessed with the FSD feed, I often serenading the hockey gods. And no unlike Mike Green I choose something a little more appropriate than "I'm so pretty." But last night, the feed appeared to be circa 1997. I half expected to Murph slur "I'm ready, put me in coach."
  • Speaking of FSD, that damn April in the D promotion is back. The only way that it may be tolerable is if the guys from The Triple Deke, Andy from Fight Night and the Joe, and Herm team up for a multinational clusterfuck submission.
  • For fucks sake, Homer was on fire last night. Amazing. It was as if that little butt nugget Lebda never broke his foot. He had two assists and nearly as many goals. I'm pretty sure he's been drinking out of the same fountain of youth that's revived Draper. And no I don't mean Leino's young tears of dispair and anguish.
  • Last night on the A2Y live blog, JJ from Kansas mentioned that Filppula looks like a young Datsyuk. Exactly. The way he held onto the puck along the boards and in tight spaces, while still making huge plays is very Dangle Dangleish in nature. He's much stronger than he looks and a great play maker. Fantastic game for everyones favorite bleach blonde Finn.
  • With the game tied 2-1, I was still in the "please, please don't make me shit my pants quicker than the new inmate" mode. So when the Wings went on the PP, I made some off handed bitchy comment about wishing they would never go on the PP again because they seem more confused and disjointed than a guy attempting to unhook his first bra...and as I was bitching, Zetterberg shut me the hell up. And they ended up converting on 2 of 6 chances. I hope Babcock puts some sort of GPS on the PP. They can't lose it again.
  • Maltby had some nice moves in the second. Hey, did you guys know he was a 50 goal scorer in Juniors?
  • Meech had the winning goal. Yes dammit, I said Meech. Lebda take note you little turd.
  • And Eaves got the forth after brilliant efforts by both Helm and Rafalski. Just a great play. My words won't do it justice. But the hearts of male Red Wing fans across the world are dancing with puppies, rainbows, and unicorns, while swimming in a river of Joe Thornton tears every time they think of Helm and Eaves...

The only downside to last night was the Kronwall incident. In the first my ulcer started bleeding when I saw Kronwall flopping around like a drunken toddler. If there was ever a time where peeing your pants would be cool, that was it. But apparently as everyone, and my grandma has already pointed out, his blade fell off (the jokes write themselves). The MVP of the first period, would definitely be the equipment guys who were handing him a new skate faster than a guy at a bar buys a pretty girl a drink.

Too bad the gods decided to shit on us, and Kronwall tweaked something. Ankle, knee, toe, it doesn't really matter. He's out for AT LEAST the Anaheim game. Who knows for how much longer. What were the fucking chances of that happening.

As a result, the giant Swede will be back in to night and I hope, like Stella, the Wings got their groove back.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Boom, Roasted

Well the Mike Babcock, Ozzie bitch slap/ ball stomping, comment has now made the rounds. I officially saw it for the first time at The Triple Deke. It was subtle right? Very interesting Babcock. I'm not a genius, but I don't have to read between the lines on that one.

None the less this whole public flogging reminds me of Michael Scott's version of an office wide roast. Yes, check out the clip if you need a little giggle on this Monday morning.

For some weird reason I envision Babcock standing in the middle of the dressing room going:

Leino, you suck. Boom, roasted.

Williams, you cry like a little girl. Boom, roasted.

Bertuzzi, your faux/mohawk automatically makes you a douche. Boom, roasted.

May, Lebda could kick your ass. Boom, roasted.

Datsyuk, you speak English bad. Boom, roasted.

Jimmy, you're American and JR said I hate Americans. So Boom, roasted.

Maltby, yeah, enough said. Boom, roasted.

Not that Babcock is in anyway Michael Scott, but I just imagine that his insults are neither clever nor unique, but instead confusing or straight to the point.

Let's wait and see if Ozzie has any response. I imagine it involves a middle finger and a Bingo Bango approved amount of FUCKS.

In good news, Kronwall appears to be ok. So yeah, thank you baby Jesus.