Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Boredom brings out my rage

Ok so this isn't going to be very nice. So if you hate swear words, inappropriate sexual references, or incoherent random bitching, then you probably aren't reading this blog anyway. Growing up as a girl, like or leave, we were always taught to play nice, don't get in physical fights, and handle things through nice conflict resolving conversations. And how did this turn out? Well most girls I grew up with can make you cry in 5 words or less. That's right claim gender stereotypes all you want, but the girls I went to high school never fought, we hit below the belt with a smile and a perfectly timed verbal jab. That's how we roll.

So while waiting for the Wings to play their first game against the Ducks I became bored....and I began to remember the hurt and anguish from 2007 and the pure hatred I hold deep in my heart for many of the Dick's stars........and while none of what I am about to say will be as harsh as the insults hurled through my high school years (I was never as good as the other girls) least it will make me feel better right?

There are some things about the Ducks, and some of their players which stir up a feeling that I can only imagine would be similar to being locked in a dark room with only continuous reruns of the show Roseanne and the new Pussy Cat Dolls CD playing over and over and over again, throw in Rosanne Barr occasionally parading around in person, in a string bikini for good measure to complete the picture. Thinking of this scenario elicits confusion and utter disgust, just like the Ducks. I really don't get them. As a Wings fan I'll always hate them. They could be a team focusing on their skill and winning games by simply playing hockey. But instead they fall back on their all around neanderthal antics and focus on cheap shots, stupid penalties, and general thuggery. It seems like every game turns into a scene from the Gang's of New York with Pronger and his fucking gap toothed smile claiming it is simply "law of physics" to knock someones head off with his elbows from the depths of hell.

And don't get me started on Ryan Getzlaf. Great player can't deny that. And I'm sure a really nice guy. But just like Mike Green he seems as though he may be the prototypical frat boy wannabe. That's right I said wannabe. Because if he weren't a hockey player, let's just say the ladies would not be banging down his door or anything else for that matter. He seems exactly like the guy you see hanging around your local college bar, he balds at the age of 19, grows a fucked up circa 1970s douche bag love patch to compensate and then uses pick up lines like this classic "God broke the mold when he made you." Something about this kid just bugs the hell out of me. He seems to want to be a blend of Avery's fashion sense, Ovie's skill (cough* not going to happen), and Mike Green's 20 something self centered misogynistic persona. Maybe we could throw him and Green in a room together where they can plan their next hair style, tribal tattoo, and health clinic tests.....Honestly, for someone so clearly concerned with his appearance, he may want to wear his helmet during warm ups, interviews, and well all extra curricular activities. My utter dislike for this King of Tools will make it even more enjoyable to watch Zetterberg and Lidstrom shut him down. Ahhh Getzlaf, take note of Crosby and Malkin last year, watch how Zetterberg made them his bitches over and over...and this year, ask Nash how it felt going pointless the first two games....oh yeah, bend over pull the pants down and get ready to experience Zetterberg and Lidstrom in the playoffs...I promise it won't feel very good.

Speaking of nasty feelings, this brings me to the shit stain in the bottom of the toilet, the cum rag under the bed, and the all around king of the douche bags Chris Pronger. Now over the years there have been a 'few' players I have said I hate...and while I dislike those players and their usual ass hole antics, I save my deep burning unflinching hate for the likes of Patrick Roy, Claude Lemieux, and yes Chris Pronger. There have always been dirty players in the league but something about Prongers passe attitude regarding his cheap shots has always chapped my ass. That and the fact that evolution does not seem to be complete in that one....a chromosome and a few brain cells certainly seem to be missing.... Here's what Homer had to say about this ball sack:

"I don't think he's a guy who wants to get hit out there. He protects himself pretty good with his stick a lot. He likes to do cheap shots a lot, too.'' '

Really Homer, I think that's a bit of an understatement....a lot, how about all the time. I think he has an ass hole quota at the beginning of the game and either his skate, elbow, or stick will be used to achieve it. This is why I cannot wait for Datsyuk, Helm, Homer and Franzen to expose Pronger for the utter joke he is. Helm and Datsyuk will show everyone that when Pronger can't catch someone and elbow their fucking head off, his defensive game is pretty much non existent. Homer and Franzen, well try to push them out of Hiller's face, try to get them into a fight....not going to happen. But thanks, the Wings will take the power plays from the penalties you are sure to get in the process.

Congratulations Ducks, you beat the perennial choke artists. You beat a few players without the heart or drive to make it to the next you face the Wings, and this will be different.

Let's see how Jonas handles the ass of Homer and the relentless net crashing of the tank that is Dan Cleary. It's going to be different this round. But it's alright, keep bringing on the hate like this from

This isn't exactly responsible Ducks staffer language, but I'll say it: I hate the Red Wings. I hate their confusing team name and winged tire logo. I hate the fact they call their city "Hockeytown." I hate their rickety old arena. I hate that stupid
octopus tradition.

It's ok we hate the Ducks too. The difference is, the Wings have the skill to win with without low ball and back alley thuggery.

It's sure to be quite a more day.....and yes I realize this post was incredibly petty and bitchy. I will be back to myself once the Wings are done with the Ducks and are able to remove the skate from their throat. I will then continue to try and avoid this behavior to a certain degree...but when it's a team like the Ducks, it's gloves off, all hands on deck....just imagine if Colorado was still a relevant team....


  1. "Speaking of nasty feelings, this brings me to the shit stain in the bottom of the toilet, the cum rag under the bed, and the all around king of the douche bags Chris Pronger."

    That one's got legs. Outfuckingstanding.

  2. I don't know what it is -- total and abject classlessness and wanton idiocy perhaps -- but something about those goddamn waterfoul really brings out the top-tier hatred in Red Wings fans.

    If you offered me a first-class, all-expenses-paid trip around the world with week-long stops in any ten cities of my choice ... or a one-way, economy-class flight to Anaheim (with the understanding that I would have to find my own way home) and the opportunity to punch Chris Pronger in his fucking mouth ... I wouldn't even have to think before I chose the latter.

    God I hate that assshole. Nice job here. Very nice.

  3. Degenerate.And that's why we love you.

    Don't hold anything back when it comes to the 'tards in that ugly, generic Sucks uniform.

  4. I also hate Pronger. And like you, am a Michigan transplant in Arizona. Also like you, I went to a crappy state school... Arizona State...Go Devils!

    Also, Go Blue!

    Also also

  5. why do you wings fans get so butt hurt about how my beloved ducks play? this is hockey not figure skating. Your just pissed you we cost you 2 cups and your team doesnt play with that edge. If pronger was on your team you would be sucking his cock. Yea getzlaf is bald and that is funny. Im surprised you didnt mention perry? What is the red wing world coming too?

  6. This post absolutely made my day. Oh god, do I hate that bastard. Go floss with a bungee cord, dipshit.

  7. I love it. Well said. Cuz I hate Pronger and every other damn Duck.

  8. Fantastic post. I really enjoyed that!

  9. Wow. How have I not found this blog before now.

    Very, very well said. Though Perry deserves some hate as well, if for nothing more than what he did to Drake early last year. They were getting ready to fight, Perry didn't have his helmet on. Drake went to take his off because he has a visor and taking it off would make it a fair fight. While he's taking his helmet off, Perry sucker-punched him. He's a punk-ass chump and I wish Ozzie would castrate him with an Ed Belfour stick to the nut-sack.

  10. I can feel the hate within you Cuz. I think its a Sliwka talent. :)